Physical abuse around children

FinalRepentance · #1 Jun 13, '12, 12:51 am

I have a main account here and I decided it's best not to post this while logged in it in case my sister sees it. Please don't mention my username in this thread.

I need to be short about this, if at all possible. Basically my sister has been with a partner now for some 6 years. He is psychotically violent and both kids have had to go through 2 years therapy because of it. He is only violent towards my sister and has never hit the kids. He use to take crack cocaine. Anyway she has had the children taken from her twice now yet every time she gets them back she lets him come back too and the chaos continues.

Last time my mother actually was responsible for the kids going back into foster care since she reported it, and the reason I'm too worried about reporting this happening again myself is that the social worker actually told my sister that it was my mother. I'm thinking that if I report this and the same thing happens, I then have to have the worry of her partner coming after me for doing this. And I know he will do something about it.

I can't leave the kids in this situation and I wont. But how do I go about reporting this safely?

horselvr · #2 Jun 13, '12, 4:08 am

Many years ago during summer break, my sister and I reported the next door neighbor for tying her 2 little boys up and not feeding them---they told us through the opened windows one day al;though we could hear her screaming at them all the time. She was hauled off and the last image I have of them was of the 2 boys walking hand and hand down the street with their father, I often wonder what ever became of them.

The police never told that we made the call. Is the social worker required by law to say who made the call?? I can't imagine.

Have you tried talking with the police department?

How sad this is for you and your Mom to know that the kids are witnessing abuse. Not only does he have your sister children in a hellish situation but you and your Mom also. He must be one heck of a guy to make you this afraid of him. I worry that eventually he will grab one of the kids as this sort of thing does excalate.

How can your sister allow this to go on especially when she has children to raise? But I'm sure you have asked this question over and over again.

Do you live close enough to hear the abuse or to know when it is going on? If so call the police as they are very proactive about "domestic violence" nowadays.

Can you or your Mom just take the kids? I know in a perfect world probably yes. In this world probably not. I wish I had better answers for you. Do know that I will pray for this situation.

I am also wondering if the biological father might step up to the plate and have the children in his custody if he was made aware of the situation. Or does he know and not care?

RiverTam · #3 Jun 13, '12, 4:30 am

If the social worker / investigator / case worker actually told your sister who made the complaint, then they broke the law. The complainant is kept confidential so as to encourage reporting of abuse.

What I would suggest is that you make an anonymous report - do not give them your name. They can take the report and open an investigation. They may prefer to have your contact information so they can follow up, but you are not required to give it to them, especially if you are concerned for your own safety.

Why were the children placed in foster care rather than family? CPS' first choice would always be to place children in the home of appropriate family members before placing them with strangers, especially given how thinly stretched the foster care system is. So if you, your mom, or another safe family member is willing to take the kids in, let that be known when you make the report. Being taken away from their mom is traumatic, and living with strangers makes it more so. They need the love, care, and support of their family.

Good luck, and I will keep your family in my prayers.

Mary Gail 36 · #4 Jun 13, '12, 5:09 am

I would go find a family law attorney, get the consultation, tell them the scenario and find out if YOU can gain custody of these children, so they don't end up in the foster care system. If you are not able to care for them, perhaps your mother or another stable family member?

I know of grandparents gaining custody of grandchildren especially when the parents being incompetent.

Praying.

TheRealJuliane · #5 Jun 13, '12, 5:32 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by FinalRepentance

I have a main account here and I decided it's best not to post this while logged in it in case my sister sees it. Please don't mention my username in this thread.

I need to be short about this, if at all possible. Basically my sister has been with a partner now for some 6 years. He is psychotically violent and both kids have had to go through 2 years therapy because of it. He is only violent towards my sister and has never hit the kids. He use to take crack cocaine. Anyway she has had the children taken from her twice now yet every time she gets them back she lets him come back too and the chaos continues.

Last time my mother actually was responsible for the kids going back into foster care since she reported it, and the reason I'm too worried about reporting this happening again myself is that the social worker actually told my sister that it was my mother. I'm thinking that if I report this and the same thing happens, I then have to have the worry of her partner coming after me for doing this. And I know he will do something about it.

I can't leave the kids in this situation and I wont. But how do I go about reporting this safely?

This is so horrible! I don't know what to offer you except my prayers.

But as another poster said, if the social worker really did reveal who called in the report, she broke the law and possibly put your mother at risk of recrimination. You do not need to give your name, you can remain anonymous. Your sister's husband may act out against you or your mother anyway, so even if you are anonymous you could still be at risk.

If there is anyone in your family who can take the kids, contact them before making the call to CPS. Make sure they contact CPS and keep the kids from the foster system. They can be abused by that system as well, and loving family is always a better solution if it's possible.

Your sister needs help to get away from her abuser. It would be good if she would go into a battered women's shelter with the kids. Would she possibly leave the state to do that? Does she see that she is in danger and that her kids are being damaged even if they aren't being hit directly?

This is so tragic and sad. Your whole family will be in my prayers.

FinalRepentance · #6 Jun 13, '12, 5:41 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by horselvr

Many years ago during summer break, my sister and I reported the next door neighbor for tying her 2 little boys up and not feeding them---they told us through the opened windows one day al;though we could hear her screaming at them all the time. She was hauled off and the last image I have of them was of the 2 boys walking hand and hand down the street with their father, I often wonder what ever became of them.

The police never told that we made the call. Is the social worker required by law to say who made the call?? I can't imagine.

Have you tried talking with the police department?

How sad this is for you and your Mom to know that the kids are witnessing abuse. Not only does he have your sister children in a hellish situation but you and your Mom also. He must be one heck of a guy to make you this afraid of him. I worry that eventually he will grab one of the kids as this sort of thing does excalate.

How can your sister allow this to go on especially when she has children to raise? But I'm sure you have asked this question over and over again.

Do you live close enough to hear the abuse or to know when it is going on? If so call the police as they are very proactive about "domestic violence" nowadays.

Can you or your Mom just take the kids? I know in a perfect world probably yes. In this world probably not. I wish I had better answers for you. Do know that I will pray for this situation.

I am also wondering if the biological father might step up to the plate and have the children in his custody if he was made aware of the situation. Or does he know and not care?

He is the biological father, but only of one.

I'm reading all of your messages and thinking about what to do now.

It's no use for any family member to take the children, because he has done and will again simply break in and do what ever he fancies on the occasion. He is a complete thug.

FinalRepentance · #7 Jun 13, '12, 5:43 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheRealJuliane

This is so horrible! I don't know what to offer you except my prayers.

But as another poster said, if the social worker really did reveal who called in the report, she broke the law and possibly put your mother at risk of recrimination. You do not need to give your name, you can remain anonymous. Your sister's husband may act out against you or your mother anyway, so even if you are anonymous you could still be at risk.

If there is anyone in your family who can take the kids, contact them before making the call to CPS. Make sure they contact CPS and keep the kids from the foster system. They can be abused by that system as well, and loving family is always a better solution if it's possible.

Your sister needs help to get away from her abuser. It would be good if she would go into a battered women's shelter with the kids. Would she possibly leave the state to do that? Does she see that she is in danger and that her kids are being damaged even if they aren't being hit directly?

This is so tragic and sad. Your whole family will be in my prayers.

She has had help on multiple occasions, she has even been re homed again and again but she just invites him back after the social workers stop keeping contact with her. I think she is mentally unstable.

FinalRepentance · #8 Jun 13, '12, 5:46 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mary Gail 36

I would go find a family law attorney, get the consultation, tell them the scenario and find out if YOU can gain custody of these children, so they don't end up in the foster care system. If you are not able to care for them, perhaps your mother or another stable family member?

I know of grandparents gaining custody of grandchildren especially when the parents being incompetent.

Praying.

It's not really an option for me to take them. He will just come knocking on the door even if I threaten to call the police. He did this at my mothers house.

This is really stressful, but I'm thinking of making sure I do something about the situation at least before this coming weekend. I want to make a deadline for myself to make sure I do it.

TheRealJuliane · #9 Jun 13, '12, 5:47 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by FinalRepentance

She has had help on multiple occasions, she has even been re homed again and again but she just invites him back after the social workers stop keeping contact with her. I think she is mentally unstable.

Then, as hard as it might be, her children need to be removed and placed with other family members. Are there any? I pray that there are.

She doesn't have to be mentally unstable in order to invite her abuser back. It can be simple denial. But you'd think she'd try to keep him away, if not for her, for the childrens' sake.

FinalRepentance · #10 Jun 13, '12, 5:48 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by RiverTam

If the social worker / investigator / case worker actually told your sister who made the complaint, then they broke the law. The complainant is kept confidential so as to encourage reporting of abuse.

What I would suggest is that you make an anonymous report - do not give them your name. They can take the report and open an investigation. They may prefer to have your contact information so they can follow up, but you are not required to give it to them, especially if you are concerned for your own safety.

Why were the children placed in foster care rather than family? CPS' first choice would always be to place children in the home of appropriate family members before placing them with strangers, especially given how thinly stretched the foster care system is. So if you, your mom, or another safe family member is willing to take the kids in, let that be known when you make the report. Being taken away from their mom is traumatic, and living with strangers makes it more so. They need the love, care, and support of their family.

Good luck, and I will keep your family in my prayers.

He has a huge long criminal record for burglary, assault, stabbing someone at a cash point, growing cannabis etc etc etc. Because of his behavior, it's not good for any family member to have the children.He is very warped. He has pulled the kids into a car before.

FinalRepentance · #11 Jun 13, '12, 5:50 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheRealJuliane

Then, as hard as it might be, her children need to be removed and placed with other family members. Are there any? I pray that there are.

She doesn't have to be mentally unstable in order to invite her abuser back. It can be simple denial. But you'd think she'd try to keep him away, if not for her, for the childrens' sake.

There aren't, they will have to go into care. Our aunts and uncles live far away and have never really had any contact with us all our lives. But anything is better than what they are going through now, I suppose.

TheRealJuliane · #12 Jun 13, '12, 5:56 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by FinalRepentance

There aren't, they will have to go into care. Our aunts and uncles live far away and have never really had any contact with us all our lives. But anything is better than what they are going through now, I suppose.

In reality, yes. From their perspective, the authorities will be taking them away from their mother as well as their (scary) father, so no, not better in their minds. They will likely need therapy to deal with what they've gone through and will still go through.

The problem is that the foster care system is overloaded. And there are many great foster homes, but there are also bad ones. Not to be Debbie Downer, but that's reality.

I wish there were some magic solution.

FinalRepentance · #13 Jun 13, '12, 6:04 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheRealJuliane

In reality, yes. From their perspective, the authorities will be taking them away from their mother as well as their (scary) father, so no, not better in their minds. They will likely need therapy to deal with what they've gone through and will still go through.

The problem is that the foster care system is overloaded. And there are many great foster homes, but there are also bad ones. Not to be Debbie Downer, but that's reality.

I wish there were some magic solution.

Most foster parents don't actually like children, they do it for the money. It's a shame, but we'll see how things go.

horselvr · #14 Jun 13, '12, 7:47 pm

It must be terribly difficult for good foster parents to be forced to have the kids go right back into an abusive situation. I have always wanted to be a foster parent but it is exactly situations like this that change my mind. Emotionally, I would not be able to handle the children being sent back to a violent home.

OP: I am so very sorry you are going through this and understand how very worried you are for the kids. I am keeping you all in my prayers. I'm sorry that I do not have a solution.