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  #46  
Old Jul 1, '12, 11:57 pm
MidnightSun12 MidnightSun12 is offline
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Default Re: Kissing Before Marriage?

Quote:
Originally Posted by VeritasLuxMea View Post
Is there ever a point at which we've taken it too far? Ever?

How about:

-Don't touch your future spouse (e.g., no hand holding, no pat on the back, etc.)
-Don't look at your future spouse.
-Don't be alone with your future spouse.
-Try to avoid all conversations with your future spouse.
-It's best not to meet your future spouse before you marry them.

At *some* point, isn't it fair to say it's gone too far?

And if it gets to the point where we're avoiding all closeness, intimacy, touch, everything with our future spouse, how does that not carry over into marriage?

How can you fight so hard against even the slightest bit of intimacy without the negative effects carrying over into marriage?

During marriage, will it be hard to train your conscience to suddenly, overnight accept marital intimacy when you have been telling yourself that even these very minor acts are shameful?
With regards to not kissing before marriage: the graces bestowed by God on a couple who so devoutly follow His commandments prior to marriage would actually enhance the marriage tremendously (there would be no negative effects).

I heard a story about a couple who saved their first kiss for the altar and their marriage ceremony was so magnetic with the presence of the Holy Spirit that it had a forceful effect on everybody who was attending. There was absolutely no awkwardness from a so-called "lack of experience" and the bride was so overwhelmed with joy that after the first kiss she even grabbed her husband and gave him another one!
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  #47  
Old Jul 2, '12, 12:10 am
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benjammin benjammin is offline
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Default Re: Kissing Before Marriage?

While I commend people who do this, I can't help but think of the virgin diaries kiss. I know it's a horrible show and in a backhanded way makes fun of those of us who are virgins, but kissing is something that's just part of a relationship, although for me it seems wrong to use tongue or even try it on the lips unless i'm considering marriage with the person.
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  #48  
Old Jul 2, '12, 12:44 am
Carina20 Carina20 is offline
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Default Re: Kissing Before Marriage?

Yay! Finally someone else that has the same belief as me. I wish I hadn't made a big deal with never being kissed as a teen, because I realize how little it matters now. I had my first kiss at 17. ( Practically an old maid!) The guy said hi to me at school and hugged me but never asked me out or to prom. I kissed a couple other guys after that & just it never felt right. It only made my emotions get stirred up over nothing. Now I am committed to waiting till marriage to kiss my husband because he'll be 'my' husband. No one else's.
No one can take him from me after that. I know he won't just dump me or start ignoring me. Also, I don't think kissing really enhanced the relationship in a positive way. It felt nice, but it didn't help me learn the guy's character better or if he was serious about his faith or even wanted to get married at all. I was too distracted by the wrong things. Also, I never want to get too comfortable in a dating relationship to where we stop focusing on discernment of marriage. Limited physical intimacy can help move the relationship forward. Plus, if he dumps me because I won't kiss him, it's his loss. I'll know he's not the one God has for me because God wouldn't ask me to compromise my own morals.
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  #49  
Old Jul 2, '12, 1:48 am
SusanneT SusanneT is offline
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Default Re: Kissing Before Marriage?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Carina20 View Post
Yay! Finally someone else that has the same belief as me. I wish I hadn't made a big deal with never being kissed as a teen, because I realize how little it matters now. I had my first kiss at 17. ( Practically an old maid!) The guy said hi to me at school and hugged me but never asked me out or to prom. I kissed a couple other guys after that & just it never felt right. It only made my emotions get stirred up over nothing. Now I am committed to waiting till marriage to kiss my husband because he'll be 'my' husband. No one else's.
No one can take him from me after that. I know he won't just dump me or start ignoring me. Also, I don't think kissing really enhanced the relationship in a positive way. It felt nice, but it didn't help me learn the guy's character better or if he was serious about his faith or even wanted to get married at all. I was too distracted by the wrong things. Also, I never want to get too comfortable in a dating relationship to where we stop focusing on discernment of marriage. Limited physical intimacy can help move the relationship forward. Plus, if he dumps me because I won't kiss him, it's his loss. I'll know he's not the one God has for me because God wouldn't ask me to compromise my own morals.
For what it's worth my husband & I didn't go past a peck on the cheek before marriage at HIS instigation - I was despirate to kiss him but he said it was 'going too far'. In terms of arousing him and tempting both of us to sin.

I don't think its a strictly religious thing - we just very much wanted to wait and he wanted me respect my purity - so he had the sense to know when we should stop. I can now see he was right, it would have been a mistake to go further - but that's a personal thing, I'm sure it's fine for some people.
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  #50  
Old Jul 2, '12, 6:00 am
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The Bucket The Bucket is offline
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Default Re: Kissing Before Marriage?

This is probably more of a personal preference or a figuring out where your "line" is in terms of going too far down the arousal path more than a defined Church teaching. Obviously you want to remain chaste and not put yourselves or your significant others into temptation. But where the line is for everyone is probably different.

I think the most obvious line is the "don't touch what you don't have" and don't start pawing at one another like you're getting revved up for sex. Beyond that? Seems like not a gray area but one that's more undefined or defined differently for different people based on their history, tendencies and preferences.

Just like I don't buy the "you have to have sex before marriage to find out if there is chemistry" line from the rest of the world, I also don't buy the "you have to kiss and possibly passionately to know if there is chemistry" line by anyone else. Did I kiss with my wife with some level of passion before we were married? Yeah. Was it over the line? I don't know. But I do know that it was probably too close and I regretted it. Not deeply, not beating myself up type of regretting, but I realize looking back that it was unnecessary and didn't help me or her at the time.

I knew I was attracted (though I am to this day still shocked SHE was and is attracted) and I definitely knew there would be chemistry on our wedding night. So the rest of the world can jump off a bridge with its rationale because I assure you and them the chemistry was indeed there. Big time.
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  #51  
Old Jul 2, '12, 7:41 am
Mangaartist Mangaartist is offline
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Default Re: Kissing Before Marriage?

I really, really like kissing. Imagine when my current SO told me on our second date that he had an aversion to the idea of kissing on the lips! He said the idea sounded disgusting... I used to say I'd happily give up kissing for cuddling, and, well, God took me up on that, he sent me a super-cuddly anti-kissing young man =)
At first I was just waiting for him to change his mind, but when he did, he decided he wants to wait until marriage with kissing. I came to really like this idea, and am now very happy with it, wouldn't have it any other way. He kisses me on the cheek plenty of times, and cuddling definitely takes care of the chemistry-evaluation. In fact, I think we'd have trouble not slipping into inappropriateness if we did kiss on the lips.
Just my two cents, I know it's hard to believe but giving up kissing was an awesome thing, for me at least. Before, my tendency has been to fill awkward silences in a relationship with kissing, now we had to actually work on our communication instead. Now I kind of wish I could have saved my very first kiss for marriage, like he did.
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  #52  
Old Jul 3, '12, 9:22 pm
1cor1313 1cor1313 is offline
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Default Re: Kissing Before Marriage?

Thank you all so much for your input. I had no idea this would invoke so many replies. Just want to say that I respect everyone's input.

I'm especially touched by those of you who gave me some encouraging words regarding my own story!

God bless.
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  #53  
Old Jul 4, '12, 6:00 am
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SeekNFind SeekNFind is offline
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Default Re: Kissing Before Marriage?

It has been a really long time since I kissed a guy so my opinion is based on convictions that I have not had a chance to test. I don't think kissing before marriage is wrong per se, but for me, French kissing is totally out. It lights a fire that is difficult to extinguish so I'd rather not go there. I think brief closed mouth kisses are probably okay but only in the courtship phase. That being said, if a guy I was in a courtship with said he felt strongly about not kissing until marriage, I would submit to his wishes on that. If he felt God was calling him to save that moment then I would honor that.
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  #54  
Old Jul 4, '12, 6:07 am
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Bklynguy Bklynguy is offline
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Default Re: Kissing Before Marriage?

Quote:
Originally Posted by triumphguy View Post
In my opinion, there has to be some chemistry - it's a marriage not a friendship. Kissing is a way of exploring the passion.
I agree with this. How do you know if there is chemistry if you don't kiss the person? Of course, kissing isn't the ONLY way, but it is a physical and emotional contact that triggers the synapses in the brain. How do you know someone is right for you if you don't have that extra physical contact (which, by the way, the Church does not forbid).

OP, I think your intentions are admirable; however, I think you are sort of being overly scrupulous. Remember.....

A kiss is just a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh....
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  #55  
Old Jul 4, '12, 10:52 am
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Irishmom2 Irishmom2 is offline
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Default Re: Kissing Before Marriage?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MariaGoretti88 View Post

And parents should choose their childrens' spouses; it would take out half the stress of marriage and there wouldn't be the problem of dating and kissing.
I honestly don't think that parents can know more about a "potential" spouse and whether they would be appropriate, than the person looking to get married... Wouldn't have wanted my parents to choose, but would have wanted their approval. I don't want to choose my children's spouses, but I would like to know them and to actually approve of them.
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