I need your help in my discernment for my vocation!!!!
You see I feel that God wants me to marry someone. However once I sent her a myspace saying that I loved her (don't ask why that's a whole another story) but anyways ever since then she got mad at me. I think the worst thing I did was I lied to her and said yeah my friend hijacked my myspace account. I'm sorry. But either way she is still very mad at me. I tried to stop talking to her but I remember a preacher said we have to talk to people who we might have offended. And so I tried to add her as a facebook friend but she blocked me. I tried to apolgolize to a girl I think is her (on the facebook she had a different last name but the same first name) and she looked like her i didn't get a response. Although she later put on her facebook. "I want to find a nice facebook fling
" then she linked to a phony website "hornywifeaffairs.net" which doesnt exist. Then again maybe I'm just confusing this girl with the girl i'm talking about.
Anyways, I feel God has been calling me to do this vocation. Funny thing is God revealed me to go to NYC on a specific date in June I remember it. Before going there I already knew what section in NYC it would be in, and what expression she would have---anger. And so I went, I stood in a corner that I felt God was telling me to be in. And so I looked at school aged students and I saw her. But unfortuantely she noticed me first. It was unfortuante because I could have talked to her. But she stared at me for some seconds then she flung her arm very disgruntled and started to leave. A similar thing happened when God told me to stand on the corner and see the same thing this time she was really mad staring me really dirty and I said nothing.
I can't believe for just I loved her she would get so mad.
But then again I remember a younger guy passing by the other direction and said my first name in a joyful voice when he saw me. Also there was a also a younger lady who said in a joyful tone of voice "Mike is here!!" Although Mike is not my first name I'll replace mine with it in this thread.
However i still do feel this has to be an obsession.
Don't get me wrong I could get over an obsession like that. If I were to marry some other girl or if my vocation is to be a priest than I would be more than glad to and forget about the girl I so offended.
But it feels like when I'm praying, reading the bible, going to eucharistic adoration it feels God is telling me it will work, put faith in this matrimony with her, it will work. And everytime I accept her as my "soul mate" (I use the term loosely) I feel joy and peace and prosperity. But every time I reject her it feels like I'm going against God's will. This really hurts.
I feel that this cannot come from God. I just want to be strong enough to say this doesn't come from God. And I've tried for so many years but I cant. I wish I could just say this girl wasnt for me and just drop it altogether.
I hope God doesn't punish me for saying no to this vocation even if it does. which is really hard for me to believe at this point.
Im also confused because I went to visit Eucharistic adoration and I feel God is telling me she's still in love with me however I don't whehter that's just my head going on or whether that's an attack from the Devil to try to trick me.