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  #1  
Old Jun 25, '12, 4:48 pm
lovedance4ever lovedance4ever is offline
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Default Praying for a Miracle

Hello all.

I cannot remember if I have ever posted anything about this situation before, so I do apologize if any of this sounds familiar. However, new and disturbing happenings have given me the need to write about it, as my family and myself are despairing.

I have never had a decent relationship with my sister. First of all, she is 23 years older than I am, which already presents the obstacle of an age difference. Now I have three nieces, and while I realize (more than many know) that she was a busy mother by the time I was two, I still think she could have found some time to be a big sister to me. But she did not. From the time I can remember, she was vicious to me; not just indifferent. There were times when she slapped me hard on the arm. It is difficult to say whether or not it was a joke or not, but the red mark left on my skin made me think it was done with more malice than anything else.

She also let my young nieces abuse me (they are all younger than me). One particular time, my oldest niece was chasing me around, hitting me with a broom and I ran up and told my sister (mind you, I was five at the time and my niece was two or three). She told me I was a horrible tattle-tale, and I was a bad aunt for telling on my niece.

There are many more instances that I can write about (such as her never returning my calls, telling me that I was a bad influences on my nieces as we got older, letting her children put down the Catholic Church and making me apologize for defending it, etc.), but I will move on to more current events.

In 2008, I had had about enough, but STILL wanted a better relationship with my sister. And so I took it upon myself to write a kind letter, explaining my feelings and how I hoped our relationship would improve. She responded almost immediately saying that she did not know I felt that way and would have to wait a day or two to compose a response. Fair enough. Well, three weeks went by and I still had not heard from her. My heart was breaking and I insisted to my mother that my sister did not care deep down. My mom felt bad, and decided to call her and ask what was going on. So she did, and got the answer, "My non-response is my response."

I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown after that; I felt so abandoned and betrayed by my sister. However, about a week later, several things happened that led us to believe (or rather, just confirmed our suspicions) that her husband was abusing her, both emotionally and physically. Now, he is a Methodist "minister" in the airforce, so the whole time this was taking place, they were on the West Coast of the US, while we resided on the East Coast. Also, her husband had previous hateful behavior toward my parents and myself (he shoved my father one day for no particular reason, and liked to pretend to be my sister while IMing my mother). In other words, he is a miserable, vindictive human being who hides behind the image of a pure and caring minister.

After hearing about the abuse, I felt horrible for further complicating her life, and so I immediately called her up and apologized profusely for horrible behavior that I had not committed. She said "I forgive you," and everything was fine and dandy for a year.

Then they got the news that they were moving to Japan. We went down to visit them, and her husband was again, miserable to all of us, but I was enjoying the close bond I had formed with my nieces (who were 13, 11, and 9 at the time). They had begun calling/IMing me daily, and the love I had for them was beyond description. Our relationship was incredible. As moving day grew closer for them, they stopped writing, answering messages, calling, etc. My sister even went so far as to call my mom and rub in that my youngest niece was heartbroken that she could not get ahold of her friend to say goodbye - the whole time, I had left many messages on their answering machine trying to say goodbye. The hurtful behavior had begun again, and I had had about enough. The anger grew, and even though I could have worded it differently, I wrote a harsh letter telling her that nothing had changed, and that I was a human being who deserved respect. Basically, I cut it off with her. She never responded.

A year went by without ANY contact what-so-ever with any of them. I wrote to my nieces, and I suspect that my e-mails were discarded by their hateful father. Finally, I wrote to my sister begging her to let me talk to her girls again, and she responded saying that I was a hateful, vicious human being, who made up lies about her, her husband, and her girls.

I was stunned, but I responded, and tried the best I could to defend myself. She told me that unless I gave her an apology, she would never let me speak to her daughters again. It was a difficult decision, but I told her that I would do no such thing and that I deserved an apology first, for being treated so harshly by her all my life. Again, she never responded.

Two months later, my nana's stomach cancer had gone into remission, and she asked me if I would write to my sister to let her know what was going on (I know that she was secretly trying to get us back together). I obeyed, and was surprised when my very cheery sister responded to me as if nothing happened. Several exchanges later, she told me that my nieces were free to speak with me. Looking back, I realize that free meant "allowed, but unwilling." My oldest niece began IMing me for a short period of time, but eventually, all messages ceased. My sister would go three months at a time without speaking with me, as well. Hurt began to build up again, and I decided to simply stop responding. Letter writing was not working, and so I thought I would do the opposite. I must admit that a part, if not all of me did that to get even for all of the pain she caused me. And so she wrote (very rarely, mind you), and I ignored.
Well, several months ago, we got the news that they are moving back to the States; about a day’s drive from where we live. My aunt even went so far as to create a big party for them, so that those who wanted to visit with them would be able to come to their home to visit. I was seething, because in the first place, my family (outside of my parents) does not give a flying fig about me, and thinks that I am imagining a majority of what has happening with my sister. I was invited, but declined the invitation, knowing that I would be talked about.
My mom then composed a kind letter to my sister just a few days ago, saying that my father did not want to have her husband in his home (which he had stated to her before, but my mom wanted to make sure that my sister did not think that my father had a change of heart). She said that she loved my sister, and did not want them to come into an unpleasant situation without reason. She also stated that my father, nor I, would come to the party.
My sister responded, yet again, with a mean letter, not admitting a word of guilt and blaming all on me and my father. She said that we lied and our anger was “unfounded.” She also said she was not surprised that my father and I would not show up for the party.
My mom received this yesterday. I cried; I think we all did. Then I got so angry, I felt as if I could hurt someone (her husband), which surprised me, as I am generally not a violent person.
Well, we are friends with a kind, compassionate Eastern Orthodox monk who was supposed to come to dinner the same day. And I’m glad he did. He said my feelings were valid, and that they will continue playing the game until I took control of it. I needed to hand them something “greasy.” And I did. I responded, instead of my mother, to my sister. I was kind. I told her that I was sorry that she misinterpreted my letters and that they caused her pain. I ended it (using a line given to me by the Eastern Orthodox monk) by saying, “You are absolutely correct when you say that reconciliation will happen when two parties are willing, and until we are both adults, all attempts at a relationship, if necessary, should come to a halt.”

So here I am, proud of the letter I sent, but frightened that I will receive just another painful letter. I pray for a miracle every day, but I feel hopeless and like things will never change. It seems like a crumpled piece of paper that will never be the same after it has been damaged.
I know my letters were not perfect. I know that I am not perfect. But I feel as though she owes me more than what she has given. She cannot even tell me what year I am in college…sometimes, not even my age.
I apologize for the length of this. Prayers are greatly appreciated, and advice if you have the time to sift through all of my blathering. My heart hurts so much. Please pray for a miracle, I do not know how much more of this I can take without breaking down. I want my nieces back.
Thank you so much for listening. You guys are always amazing with your responses, and they are so very appreciated and welcomed. Please feel free to tell me what I have done wrong, as I know I need to hear it.
May it be blessed,
Christa
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  #2  
Old Jun 25, '12, 7:04 pm
ChibiViolet's Avatar
ChibiViolet ChibiViolet is offline
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Join Date: July 20, 2011
Posts: 2,850
Religion: Roman Catholic
Default Re: Praying for a Miracle

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovedance4ever View Post
Hello all.

I cannot remember if I have ever posted anything about this situation before, so I do apologize if any of this sounds familiar. However, new and disturbing happenings have given me the need to write about it, as my family and myself are despairing.

I have never had a decent relationship with my sister. First of all, she is 23 years older than I am, which already presents the obstacle of an age difference. Now I have three nieces, and while I realize (more than many know) that she was a busy mother by the time I was two, I still think she could have found some time to be a big sister to me. But she did not. From the time I can remember, she was vicious to me; not just indifferent. There were times when she slapped me hard on the arm. It is difficult to say whether or not it was a joke or not, but the red mark left on my skin made me think it was done with more malice than anything else.

She also let my young nieces abuse me (they are all younger than me). One particular time, my oldest niece was chasing me around, hitting me with a broom and I ran up and told my sister (mind you, I was five at the time and my niece was two or three). She told me I was a horrible tattle-tale, and I was a bad aunt for telling on my niece.

There are many more instances that I can write about (such as her never returning my calls, telling me that I was a bad influences on my nieces as we got older, letting her children put down the Catholic Church and making me apologize for defending it, etc.), but I will move on to more current events.

In 2008, I had had about enough, but STILL wanted a better relationship with my sister. And so I took it upon myself to write a kind letter, explaining my feelings and how I hoped our relationship would improve. She responded almost immediately saying that she did not know I felt that way and would have to wait a day or two to compose a response. Fair enough. Well, three weeks went by and I still had not heard from her. My heart was breaking and I insisted to my mother that my sister did not care deep down. My mom felt bad, and decided to call her and ask what was going on. So she did, and got the answer, "My non-response is my response."

I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown after that; I felt so abandoned and betrayed by my sister. However, about a week later, several things happened that led us to believe (or rather, just confirmed our suspicions) that her husband was abusing her, both emotionally and physically. Now, he is a Methodist "minister" in the airforce, so the whole time this was taking place, they were on the West Coast of the US, while we resided on the East Coast. Also, her husband had previous hateful behavior toward my parents and myself (he shoved my father one day for no particular reason, and liked to pretend to be my sister while IMing my mother). In other words, he is a miserable, vindictive human being who hides behind the image of a pure and caring minister.

After hearing about the abuse, I felt horrible for further complicating her life, and so I immediately called her up and apologized profusely for horrible behavior that I had not committed. She said "I forgive you," and everything was fine and dandy for a year.

Then they got the news that they were moving to Japan. We went down to visit them, and her husband was again, miserable to all of us, but I was enjoying the close bond I had formed with my nieces (who were 13, 11, and 9 at the time). They had begun calling/IMing me daily, and the love I had for them was beyond description. Our relationship was incredible. As moving day grew closer for them, they stopped writing, answering messages, calling, etc. My sister even went so far as to call my mom and rub in that my youngest niece was heartbroken that she could not get ahold of her friend to say goodbye - the whole time, I had left many messages on their answering machine trying to say goodbye. The hurtful behavior had begun again, and I had had about enough. The anger grew, and even though I could have worded it differently, I wrote a harsh letter telling her that nothing had changed, and that I was a human being who deserved respect. Basically, I cut it off with her. She never responded.

A year went by without ANY contact what-so-ever with any of them. I wrote to my nieces, and I suspect that my e-mails were discarded by their hateful father. Finally, I wrote to my sister begging her to let me talk to her girls again, and she responded saying that I was a hateful, vicious human being, who made up lies about her, her husband, and her girls.

I was stunned, but I responded, and tried the best I could to defend myself. She told me that unless I gave her an apology, she would never let me speak to her daughters again. It was a difficult decision, but I told her that I would do no such thing and that I deserved an apology first, for being treated so harshly by her all my life. Again, she never responded.

Two months later, my nana's stomach cancer had gone into remission, and she asked me if I would write to my sister to let her know what was going on (I know that she was secretly trying to get us back together). I obeyed, and was surprised when my very cheery sister responded to me as if nothing happened. Several exchanges later, she told me that my nieces were free to speak with me. Looking back, I realize that free meant "allowed, but unwilling." My oldest niece began IMing me for a short period of time, but eventually, all messages ceased. My sister would go three months at a time without speaking with me, as well. Hurt began to build up again, and I decided to simply stop responding. Letter writing was not working, and so I thought I would do the opposite. I must admit that a part, if not all of me did that to get even for all of the pain she caused me. And so she wrote (very rarely, mind you), and I ignored.
Well, several months ago, we got the news that they are moving back to the States; about a day’s drive from where we live. My aunt even went so far as to create a big party for them, so that those who wanted to visit with them would be able to come to their home to visit. I was seething, because in the first place, my family (outside of my parents) does not give a flying fig about me, and thinks that I am imagining a majority of what has happening with my sister. I was invited, but declined the invitation, knowing that I would be talked about.
My mom then composed a kind letter to my sister just a few days ago, saying that my father did not want to have her husband in his home (which he had stated to her before, but my mom wanted to make sure that my sister did not think that my father had a change of heart). She said that she loved my sister, and did not want them to come into an unpleasant situation without reason. She also stated that my father, nor I, would come to the party.
My sister responded, yet again, with a mean letter, not admitting a word of guilt and blaming all on me and my father. She said that we lied and our anger was “unfounded.” She also said she was not surprised that my father and I would not show up for the party.
My mom received this yesterday. I cried; I think we all did. Then I got so angry, I felt as if I could hurt someone (her husband), which surprised me, as I am generally not a violent person.
Well, we are friends with a kind, compassionate Eastern Orthodox monk who was supposed to come to dinner the same day. And I’m glad he did. He said my feelings were valid, and that they will continue playing the game until I took control of it. I needed to hand them something “greasy.” And I did. I responded, instead of my mother, to my sister. I was kind. I told her that I was sorry that she misinterpreted my letters and that they caused her pain. I ended it (using a line given to me by the Eastern Orthodox monk) by saying, “You are absolutely correct when you say that reconciliation will happen when two parties are willing, and until we are both adults, all attempts at a relationship, if necessary, should come to a halt.”

So here I am, proud of the letter I sent, but frightened that I will receive just another painful letter. I pray for a miracle every day, but I feel hopeless and like things will never change. It seems like a crumpled piece of paper that will never be the same after it has been damaged.
I know my letters were not perfect. I know that I am not perfect. But I feel as though she owes me more than what she has given. She cannot even tell me what year I am in college…sometimes, not even my age.
I apologize for the length of this. Prayers are greatly appreciated, and advice if you have the time to sift through all of my blathering. My heart hurts so much. Please pray for a miracle, I do not know how much more of this I can take without breaking down. I want my nieces back.
Thank you so much for listening. You guys are always amazing with your responses, and they are so very appreciated and welcomed. Please feel free to tell me what I have done wrong, as I know I need to hear it.
May it be blessed,
Christa
You've done nothing wrong (aside from apologizing for defending the Church) and you have been acting like an adult. Your sister sounds like a horrible person. All you can do is pray for her, her awful husband and your nieces. Try praying to St. Jude and the Effacious Novena to the Sacred Heart of Jesus. I will prary for you as well.
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"If I'm not in a state of Grace, I pray the Lord to put me there, and if I am in a state of Grace, I pray the Lord to keep me there."--St. Joan of Arc

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  #3  
Old Jun 25, '12, 7:44 pm
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sacred_words sacred_words is offline
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Join Date: May 16, 2012
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Default Re: Praying for a Miracle

I'm so sorry your sister's treated you this way for so long. None of her behavior is your fault, and she had no right to do what she did all those years. She oughta be ashamed of herself, and so should your brother-in-law for his role in all this. As far as i'm concerned, you've done all you can. You've done nothing wrong in my book. You're making the effort to have a relationship with her, and still she finds something to say about it. It saddens me that she's willing to sabotage your relationship with your nieces, but it unfortunately comes as no surprise to me based on what you've written. That's beyond petty of her, and it's nuts on her part. I've dealt with people like her in the past myself, so i can understand how it feels to constantly wonder where you went wrong, wonder if maybe it was the way you said something, or if it was something else that made the other person act the way they did.

As for the letter, maybe that could be your last one to her until the time comes when she realizes what she's caused? Don't be surprised if she sends you nastiness in response. It won't be any less upsetting, but you're not dealing with someone who's interested in a healthy relationship with you if she can't be bothered to remember your age or your year in college. If she throws a huge hissy fit and threatens to never speak to you again or whatever, call her bluff. She needs to know she can't treat you this way anymore. Until she realizes she had a good thing going, keep the lines of communication off, and when she comes to her senses for real, you'll be there. There is also the possibility she may not change, and it will hurt to entertain that idea, but it will be something you need to know so you can deal with her accordingly.

You deserved respect all along, and last i checked, respect is a two-way street. I don't blame you for wanting a relationship with your nieces like you had in those brief moments. I'd want the same thing if i were in your shoes. Maybe you could pray for your sister to have a change of heart, and pray for your nieces as well. I don't know, just an idea i'd throw out there.

if you want it. If you wanna talk, i'm just a PM away. I'll be thinking of you.
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  #4  
Old Jun 25, '12, 7:45 pm
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DianeMLynch1 DianeMLynch1 is offline
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Join Date: June 7, 2012
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Religion: Catholic
Default Re: Praying for a Miracle

I would say you have done all that is humanly possible to reconcile with your sister - above and beyond. God didn't create you as a doormat - this woman has serious problems that are hers, not yours.

You need to hand them all - sister, husband, nieces, etc. to Jesus Mercy. There are miracles - we both know that. Divine intervention is always possible and I do not wish to suggest you lose hope. These people in your life also have free will to choose a christian path or the hateful and cruel path they have seemed to embraced.

Pray for their healing - Let Go and Let God!!! There are others out there looking for the kind of love you have to give -- You are blessed. I will pray for you and your desire.

Divine Mercy is unfathomable and endless - May the Blood and Water that gushed Forth from His Sacred heart, wash over and through you bringing you Peace. God Bless, Diane
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  #5  
Old Jun 25, '12, 8:06 pm
Mummsie Mummsie is offline
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Posts: 114
Religion: Catholic
Default Re: Praying for a Miracle

Christa,

I have 3 sisters and can't imagine the kind of struggles you've endured. We (my sisters and I) have had some bumpy roads; but, we eventually find our way back to each other. I remember one incident with my oldest sister. I'd said something to her daughter that neither of them liked. Nothing terrible, but my sister was insulted none the less. Once a month for 3 months I tried calling my sister, each time she hung up on me without speaking. Each time I picked up the phone I knew she might not talk to me. But, I had to keep trying. Eventually, she was ready to talk to me and we got through it.

One of my favorite quotes from my priest is "Love thy neighbor as yourself and this especially means family". Isn't it amazing how we can be nicer to neighbors than to those closest to us?

In my opinion, you should let the past go. Remembering and nurturing hurts from the past (20 years ago?) will not help you. It can only continue to tear you apart. It may be time to let it all go.

Remember to pray for your sister. You have no idea what crosses she may be carrying. And when you have any communications with her, show her God's Love. Don't expect anything from her. Your reward will be in heaven.

Praying for you and your family.
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  #6  
Old Jun 25, '12, 8:11 pm
padrepio_2012 padrepio_2012 is offline
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Religion: Latin Rite Catholic
Default Re: Praying for a Miracle

Praying for you in my prayers tnite. Pray to St Padre Pio too, he is a miracle worker and has done several miraculous healings, spiritual, physical, ect for loved ones of mine.
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  #7  
Old Jul 24, '12, 8:44 pm
lovedance4ever lovedance4ever is offline
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Join Date: February 25, 2012
Posts: 265
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Default Re: Praying for a Miracle: UPDATE - A MIRACLE!!!

Hello all!

I am sorry I have not responded to all of your wonderful replies. However, I am writing now with absolutely fantastic news.

My sister came in from Japan like I had mentioned. Before that, she had also responded with a very decent letter expressing how excited she was to see me. However, I was still skeptical.

I was able to suck it up and went to the family gathering. My nieces seemed cold, but my sister was warm and I couldn't help but feel as though she was just putting an act on for all of our relatives. But I was wrong.

I left that day with tears, still thinking I had lost my nieces for good, but I continued to pray and ask St. Padre Pio (a wonderful user on here told me that he was known to help with family issues) to help with our situation. This past Monday (after I had knee surgery, mind you), I asked my mom if she would take me to see my nieces, sister, and brother-in-law again. In her amazing, loving way, she agreed and I am glad she did because everything was different. My nieces were hesitant at first, but quickly warmed up to me, sitting close and remembering old times with me. It was as if nothing ever changed.

Then they came over to our house today, which was an absolute miracle, as my sister had sworn in a previous letter that they were not going to set foot in our house. My nieces brought me flowers for my knee, and again, everything was amazing. We then went back to my aunt and uncle's house where they are staying, and we got to spend their last evening in the area with them. It was beautiful.

Finally, when my mom and I got up to leave, my sister cried as she took a final picture with me. I grabbed and hugged her, and whispered in her ear, "I am sorry, and I love you," to which she responded, "I forgive you, I love you, and I'm sorry."

My brother-in-law is changing, as well. He was so decent to all of us, and even said as we left, "It's not goodbye, it's I'll see you later."

I feel that God has blessed my family with a miracle. My nieces have exchanged contact information again with me. My sister is closer with me than she ever used to be. And my brother-in-law was decent to all of us.

I now ask you to pray for my aunt and uncle, who I know set all of this up in order to help fix this situation. They were smiling ear to ear as they watched our families interact. Please pray that God blesses them in everything they do, as they have been instruments to this miracle.

And finally, I ask you to pray for my father, who is still struggling to forgive my sister and brother-in-law. He is still furious at all of them, and swears that he does not want them near him. Please pray that God will open his eyes and heart, so that we all may be happy again.

These forums have been so helpful and reassuring to me in times of difficulty, and I thank all of you for the time you take to help comfort me. May God bless all of you...

Thank you, Lord!

Thank you, St. Pio!
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  #8  
Old Jul 24, '12, 9:03 pm
DianeMLynch1's Avatar
DianeMLynch1 DianeMLynch1 is offline
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Default Re: Praying for a Miracle

At a point in my life that is quite stressful and hurtful, your e-mail was a bright light!!!

Don't stop praying, you have 1 miracle == Jesus may need more time with your father.

Thank you for letting us know -- don't try to understand or wonder how, just spread His word of Love and healing. Diane
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  #9  
Old Jul 24, '12, 10:42 pm
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Marc Anthony Marc Anthony is offline
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Default Re: Praying for a Miracle

This is absolutely wonderful news!

BUT-and I hate to burst the bubble-what about your sister's abusive husband?

Your Dad may have a legitimate point with his ultimatum-if she's with somebody abusive, she needs to get OUT of that relationship. It's not unreasonable, to me, for him to tell your sister that. It's an extremely serious matter.

I think it's important for you to stand firm that you do not support your sister's abusive relationship.

BUT-I'm 18 and have no wisdom or experience on my side. So just chalk it up as "Stuff I've heard from older adults and stuff." .
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"But he was undoubtedly a moron to begin with. Illiterate, superstitious, murderous....Look at him, and tell me if you see the progeny of a once-mighty civilization? What do you see?"

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  #10  
Old Jul 24, '12, 11:42 pm
Blue Horizon Blue Horizon is offline
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Default Re: Praying for a Miracle

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovedance4ever View Post
Hello all.

I cannot remember if I have ever posted anything about this situation before, so I do apologize if any of this sounds familiar. However, new and disturbing happenings have given me the need to write about it, as my family and myself are despairing.

I have never had a decent relationship with my sister. First of all, she is 23 years older than I am, which already presents the obstacle of an age difference. Now I have three nieces, and while I realize (more than many know) that she was a busy mother by the time I was two, I still think she could have found some time to be a big sister to me. But she did not. From the time I can remember, she was vicious to me; not just indifferent. There were times when she slapped me hard on the arm. It is difficult to say whether or not it was a joke or not, but the red mark left on my skin made me think it was done with more malice than anything else.

She also let my young nieces abuse me (they are all younger than me). One particular time, my oldest niece was chasing me around, hitting me with a broom and I ran up and told my sister (mind you, I was five at the time and my niece was two or three). She told me I was a horrible tattle-tale, and I was a bad aunt for telling on my niece.

There are many more instances that I can write about (such as her never returning my calls, telling me that I was a bad influences on my nieces as we got older, letting her children put down the Catholic Church and making me apologize for defending it, etc.), but I will move on to more current events.

In 2008, I had had about enough, but STILL wanted a better relationship with my sister. And so I took it upon myself to write a kind letter, explaining my feelings and how I hoped our relationship would improve. She responded almost immediately saying that she did not know I felt that way and would have to wait a day or two to compose a response. Fair enough. Well, three weeks went by and I still had not heard from her. My heart was breaking and I insisted to my mother that my sister did not care deep down. My mom felt bad, and decided to call her and ask what was going on. So she did, and got the answer, "My non-response is my response."

I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown after that; I felt so abandoned and betrayed by my sister. However, about a week later, several things happened that led us to believe (or rather, just confirmed our suspicions) that her husband was abusing her, both emotionally and physically. Now, he is a Methodist "minister" in the airforce, so the whole time this was taking place, they were on the West Coast of the US, while we resided on the East Coast. Also, her husband had previous hateful behavior toward my parents and myself (he shoved my father one day for no particular reason, and liked to pretend to be my sister while IMing my mother). In other words, he is a miserable, vindictive human being who hides behind the image of a pure and caring minister.

After hearing about the abuse, I felt horrible for further complicating her life, and so I immediately called her up and apologized profusely for horrible behavior that I had not committed. She said "I forgive you," and everything was fine and dandy for a year.

Then they got the news that they were moving to Japan. We went down to visit them, and her husband was again, miserable to all of us, but I was enjoying the close bond I had formed with my nieces (who were 13, 11, and 9 at the time). They had begun calling/IMing me daily, and the love I had for them was beyond description. Our relationship was incredible. As moving day grew closer for them, they stopped writing, answering messages, calling, etc. My sister even went so far as to call my mom and rub in that my youngest niece was heartbroken that she could not get ahold of her friend to say goodbye - the whole time, I had left many messages on their answering machine trying to say goodbye. The hurtful behavior had begun again, and I had had about enough. The anger grew, and even though I could have worded it differently, I wrote a harsh letter telling her that nothing had changed, and that I was a human being who deserved respect. Basically, I cut it off with her. She never responded.

A year went by without ANY contact what-so-ever with any of them. I wrote to my nieces, and I suspect that my e-mails were discarded by their hateful father. Finally, I wrote to my sister begging her to let me talk to her girls again, and she responded saying that I was a hateful, vicious human being, who made up lies about her, her husband, and her girls.

I was stunned, but I responded, and tried the best I could to defend myself. She told me that unless I gave her an apology, she would never let me speak to her daughters again. It was a difficult decision, but I told her that I would do no such thing and that I deserved an apology first, for being treated so harshly by her all my life. Again, she never responded.

Two months later, my nana's stomach cancer had gone into remission, and she asked me if I would write to my sister to let her know what was going on (I know that she was secretly trying to get us back together). I obeyed, and was surprised when my very cheery sister responded to me as if nothing happened. Several exchanges later, she told me that my nieces were free to speak with me. Looking back, I realize that free meant "allowed, but unwilling." My oldest niece began IMing me for a short period of time, but eventually, all messages ceased. My sister would go three months at a time without speaking with me, as well. Hurt began to build up again, and I decided to simply stop responding. Letter writing was not working, and so I thought I would do the opposite. I must admit that a part, if not all of me did that to get even for all of the pain she caused me. And so she wrote (very rarely, mind you), and I ignored.
Well, several months ago, we got the news that they are moving back to the States; about a day’s drive from where we live. My aunt even went so far as to create a big party for them, so that those who wanted to visit with them would be able to come to their home to visit. I was seething, because in the first place, my family (outside of my parents) does not give a flying fig about me, and thinks that I am imagining a majority of what has happening with my sister. I was invited, but declined the invitation, knowing that I would be talked about.
My mom then composed a kind letter to my sister just a few days ago, saying that my father did not want to have her husband in his home (which he had stated to her before, but my mom wanted to make sure that my sister did not think that my father had a change of heart). She said that she loved my sister, and did not want them to come into an unpleasant situation without reason. She also stated that my father, nor I, would come to the party.
My sister responded, yet again, with a mean letter, not admitting a word of guilt and blaming all on me and my father. She said that we lied and our anger was “unfounded.” She also said she was not surprised that my father and I would not show up for the party.
My mom received this yesterday. I cried; I think we all did. Then I got so angry, I felt as if I could hurt someone (her husband), which surprised me, as I am generally not a violent person.
Well, we are friends with a kind, compassionate Eastern Orthodox monk who was supposed to come to dinner the same day. And I’m glad he did. He said my feelings were valid, and that they will continue playing the game until I took control of it. I needed to hand them something “greasy.” And I did. I responded, instead of my mother, to my sister. I was kind. I told her that I was sorry that she misinterpreted my letters and that they caused her pain. I ended it (using a line given to me by the Eastern Orthodox monk) by saying, “You are absolutely correct when you say that reconciliation will happen when two parties are willing, and until we are both adults, all attempts at a relationship, if necessary, should come to a halt.”

So here I am, proud of the letter I sent, but frightened that I will receive just another painful letter. I pray for a miracle every day, but I feel hopeless and like things will never change. It seems like a crumpled piece of paper that will never be the same after it has been damaged.
I know my letters were not perfect. I know that I am not perfect. But I feel as though she owes me more than what she has given. She cannot even tell me what year I am in college…sometimes, not even my age.
I apologize for the length of this. Prayers are greatly appreciated, and advice if you have the time to sift through all of my blathering. My heart hurts so much. Please pray for a miracle, I do not know how much more of this I can take without breaking down. I want my nieces back.
Thank you so much for listening. You guys are always amazing with your responses, and they are so very appreciated and welcomed. Please feel free to tell me what I have done wrong, as I know I need to hear it.
May it be blessed,
Christa
LD4E
If your sister (who has never consistently acted as a sister) has the power to give you, an independent adult who doesn't live with her, a nervous breakdown then I think you have to ask the obvious question of yourself...why have you given her that power and continue to do so? The real problem is not her (she obviously has problems) but you and your terribly excessive emotional need in this area.

I think you have been feeding this monster for a long time and it is time to stop feeding it - then the monster will weaken and your happiness will return. It will take time and you will need to turn your affections elsewhere. But don't do the same thing to your other signicant relationships - turn to God to take up the slack.
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  #11  
Old Jul 25, '12, 12:50 am
JaneGrey JaneGrey is offline
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Join Date: July 27, 2009
Posts: 867
Default Re: Praying for a Miracle

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marc Anthony View Post
This is absolutely wonderful news!

BUT-and I hate to burst the bubble-what about your sister's abusive husband?

Your Dad may have a legitimate point with his ultimatum-if she's with somebody abusive, she needs to get OUT of that relationship. It's not unreasonable, to me, for him to tell your sister that. It's an extremely serious matter.

I think it's important for you to stand firm that you do not support your sister's abusive relationship.

BUT-I'm 18 and have no wisdom or experience on my side. So just chalk it up as "Stuff I've heard from older adults and stuff." .
Good post. OP, that is great news, and you should enjoy it, but for your own sake and heart I would just advise you to continue being a little cautious. As another poster has mentioned, one of the only consistent things here is that your sister has never been consistent.

I think you;ve been great and there is no way you could have handled things better, or more maturely. So good on you. I dont know all the details, obviously, but it does not seem as though you have been in the wrong here.

So continue loving your sister, and praying for her. Forgive, but IMO, don't forget. Know where you stand, so that your sister will not be able to hurt you again, if she chooses to do so. If she doesn't, then great!

It is unfortunate but a fact of life that the only behaviours we can control in life are our own.

God bless and
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