PLEASE help!

terrilee23 · #1 Feb 21, '06, 8:19 am

HELP!
I just found out my daughter is having sex!
And worst yet it's unprotected!
I don't know what to do.
Has anyone delt with this that can offer advice?
She had always said she was not having sex until she got married! I am so disapointed.
My husband (her dad) and I are going through a divorce and he has never beed good at showing love I wonder if she looking for love?
Please pray for us. I am taking her to the doctor this afternoon

Scott Waddell · #2 Feb 21, '06, 8:23 am

First off, I will pray for you.
Secondly, do you realize that our Church teaches against the use of all contraceptives? If you are going to the doctor to get these, please don't because all you are doing is approving of fornication and the "protective" aspect of them is in the final analysis an illusion.

The answer is yes, she is looking for love like we all are. But unfortunately some of us become so starved for love we are willing to eat out of the sewer which is what sex outside of marriage is. Have you seen the Pure Love pamphlet this site offers? Here: http://www.catholic.com/chastity/pure_love.asp

God bless you.

Scott

**1ke** · #3 Feb 21, '06, 8:43 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by terrilee23

I just found out my daughter is having sex!

Visit www.pureloveclub.com and also get the book by Jason Evert called Pure Love, or Mary Beth Bonacci's book on chastity.

Quote:

Originally Posted by terrilee23

And worst yet it's unprotected!

Contraception is always a sin. Do not encourage your daughter to sin! Do not have the attitude of "if you are going to do it... be 'safe'". This sends a mixed message, and it also tells your daughter that contraception is ok.

It is *Not* OK to have sex, period.

Quote:

Originally Posted by terrilee23

I don't know what to do.

Talk to her about why she would be having sex when she knows it is a grave sin and bad for her emotionally and physically.

Quote:

Originally Posted by terrilee23

She had always said she was not having sex until she got married!

Then ask her what has changed. She obviously knows it's wrong, so what has happened to make her change her behavior?

Quote:

Originally Posted by terrilee23

I am so disapointed.

Tell her that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by terrilee23

My husband (her dad) and I are going through a divorce and he has never beed good at showing love I wonder if she looking for love?

This is likely a factor. She needs counseling from a Catholic counselor.

Quote:

Originally Posted by terrilee23

I am taking her to the doctor this afternoon

Please be aware that a doctor can put her on contraceptives without your knowledge or consent. Why are you taking her to a doctor? To put her on the Pill? This is not the answer. It condones her behavior, it condones contraception use that will follow her into adulthood. Encouraging her to sin is not the right answer, encourage her NOT to sin.

I, personally, would stay away from the doctor and take her to a priest and a counselor instead.

sadie2723 · #4 Feb 21, '06, 8:57 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by terrilee23

HELP!
I just found out my daughter is having sex!
And worst yet it's unprotected!
I don't know what to do.
Has anyone delt with this that can offer advice?
She had always said she was not having sex until she got married! I am so disapointed.
My husband (her dad) and I are going through a divorce and he has never beed good at showing love I wonder if she looking for love?
Please pray for us. I am taking her to the doctor this afternoon

Ok, first I am not going to go off on you about contraception. I personally disagree with it, but that is another matter.

What I think you should do here is sit down and have a long chat with your daughter. You need to explain to her that the divorce is not about her. You also need to explain to her the consequences of her actions. She is headed down the wrong path and it is our duty to set her right again. But, you have got to be firm with her. If you are disappointed in her, let her know that. Kids hate to hear that they have disappointed their parents...really.

The other thing that I am going to suggest is that you pray. There is no substitute for the way that God can get involved in things like this.

You are in my prayers.

Brad

terrilee23 · #5 Feb 21, '06, 9:08 am

I do not want to put her on any kind of birth control! I want to take her to the doctor to make sure she is safe. That she does not have any kind of stds especially aids.

I'm just scared

vluvski · #6 Feb 21, '06, 9:15 am

Hey, at least you know so you can do something about it. Some girls can keep it a total secret.

It is prudent to take her to the doctor to have her tested for STDs and pregnancy. I understand you want your daughter protected, but I would strongly discourage you from suggesting condoms, and certainly not contraceptives. I am quite certain she's already heard all that rhetoric anyway and there are countless sources that she can get them if she feels so inclined on her own. Just let someone else be the one to tell her that. Instead, remind her of the worldly consequences (STD, unwed pregnancy, etc) of fornication and of the risk associated with even protected sex.

While you're taking her to the medical doctor (and I would recommend looking at the One More Soul website for a pro-life, non-contraceptive doc), take her to Reconcilliation for spiritual healing as well.

I definitely second the suggestion for Jason Evert's books, and also suggest Christopher West's Naked Without Shame. PM me if you need help finding where to buy these. Couple to Couple League (www.ccli.org) is a good place to start.

auroraj42 · #7 Feb 21, '06, 9:15 am

okay, take a deep breath and collect yourself...

yes, getting a doctor to talk to her about STDs and getting tested for them is probably a good idea...make sure your doctor talks to her about the importance of abstinence and that he is clear that this is not an opportunity where he should be encouraging anything other than abstinence otherwise he'll undermine anything else you have to say to her...

She is probably looking for love and feeling a lot of things she can't quite express because of the divorce, you need to talk to her and let her know that she can come to you. Talk to your priest, and encourage her to do the same.

I know what you are facing seems overwhelming, but take a moment to take a deep breath, and say a prayer...it only takes a moment, and can help change the whole approach you take to everything...

Jamie

kage_ar · #8 Feb 21, '06, 9:27 am

Call the Parish - make an appointment to speak with your Priest, an appointment for Confession right after the doctor and take her!

How old is your daughter?

terrilee23 · #9 Feb 21, '06, 10:18 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by vluvski

I would strongly discourage you from suggesting condoms, and certainly not contraceptives. I am quite certain she's already heard all that rhetoric anyway and there are countless sources that she can get them if she feels so inclined on her own. Just let someone else be the one to tell her that..

I agree with you,
My daughter is 17.

terrilee23 · #10 Feb 21, '06, 10:22 am

she refuses to go to the doctor

so I'll give her some time but I will make her go.
I just found this out this morning and just finished talking to her about it. She said it was a week ago and she won't be doing it again. (I know)
I will pray the rosary and say the st Jude novna for her purity.

ThyKingdomCome · #11 Feb 21, '06, 11:56 am

While I agree you should not encourage condom use, you might want to find out if she has used them. And especially since there are many untrustworthy sources out there telling kids about them, you might want to have a talk with her about the high failure rates. I don't know the stats, but what I've heard is pretty scary.

I don't know how much control you have over her comings and goings, but I'd be inclined to "keep a short leash" so to speak. Not having teens, I don't know how that would work, but I'm sure there's a way. I'd probably be calling Dr. Ray for advice

.

God Bless!
TKC

**1ke** · #12 Feb 21, '06, 1:54 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by terrilee23

I do not want to put her on any kind of birth control! I want to take her to the doctor to make sure she is safe. That she does not have any kind of stds especially aids.

I'm just scared

I understand you are concerned, and am glad to hear you are not wanting to put her on birth control. Please be aware that a doctor can do this without your permission. If you take her in for testing, just be aware that the doctor might take it out of your hands. You need to be very confident in the doctor and the doctor's moral character.

vluvski · #13 Feb 21, '06, 2:05 pm

Perhaps this time while she is refusing to go to the doctor is a good chance for you to research some solid doctors who won't push birth control etc...

I'd also get her to a counselor who has experience with rape since you say she has before said she would wait for marriage. Let him or her handle deciding if your daughter might have been pushed into it, as she may feel inclined to protect the other person if he is/was a friend.

Veritas41 · #14 Feb 21, '06, 2:13 pm

Have you asked her why she's having sex? How does she feel about it? Very often young girls don't feel right about it, but for various reasons, they will have sex. Jason Evert has a very good book, If You Really Loved Me and a DVD, Romance Without Regret that I got through Catholic Answers (I'm not sure if it's available anywhere else, but you can check). I would recommend watching/reading that together with your daughter and talking through it.

Pray for your daughter regularly, and watch the kinds of TV shows/movies she watches. I read somewhere that over 85% of sexual encounters portrayed on TV and in movies are between unmarried partners. Becoming saturated with that kind of programming can be desensitizing and make premarital or extramarital sex seem glamorous.

Another recommendation: if you have a crisis pregnancy center in your area, you can take your daughter there for free pregnancy testing (and some offer STD testing). Since crisis pregnancy centers are usually Christian, they can provide your daughter with counseling and information on chastity, etc.

MariaG · #15 Feb 21, '06, 2:30 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by terrilee23

I do not want to put her on any kind of birth control! I want to take her to the doctor to make sure she is safe. That she does not have any kind of stds especially aids.

I'm just scared

Take her! Take her! There are STD's that can cause absolutely no symptoms yet cause infertility. Talk to her about risking future children by refusing to go to the doctor and get tested.

But do discuss with her many things, including the Church's position on birth control. Educate her as to the arbortifacient nature of the pill. You have to take her to the doctor to get tested for HIV and other STD's, but you want to try to educate her before hand since the doctor will probably try to put her on BC and does not need your permission or even need to tell you.

Or better yet, as someone suggested, find a doctor that does not prescribe BC.

And hug her alot. She really needs her Dad to do it, but we all crave physical touch and if children do not get it appropriately, they will seek it inappropriately.

God Bless,
Maria