Catholic FAQ


Latest Threads
newest posts



Go Back   Catholic Answers Forums > Forums > Catholic Living > Family Life > Parenting
 

Welcome to Catholic Answers Forums, the largest Catholic Community on the Web.

Here you can join over 400,000 members from around the world discussing all things Catholic. Membership is open to all, Catholic and non-Catholic alike, who seek the Truth with Charity.

To gain full access, you must register for a FREE account. Registered members are able to:
  • Submit questions about the faith to experts from Catholic Answers
  • Participate in all forum discussions
  • Communicate privately with Catholics from around the world
  • Plus join a prayer group, read with the Book Club, and much more.
Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free. So join our community today!

Have a question about registration or your account log-in? Just contact our Support Hotline.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Search Thread Display
  #1  
Old Apr 10, '06, 5:53 pm
whatevergirl whatevergirl is offline
Forum Elder
Greeter
Prayer Warrior
 
Join Date: April 7, 2006
Posts: 23,255
Religion: Roman Catholic
Question Do you ever argue over kids' chores, etc...w/spouse?

We do! Ugh...It's really the only thing (I mean there's little things here and there that bug me) that we truly argue over. Sometimes, my husband starts yelling and stomping around. *sigh*

He was raised in a huge family--one of nine kids. Had to share everything...pitch in....do chores...help out...bla bla bla. I grew up one of two kids...we had a cleaning lady, but I had some chores to do...but for an allowance. My husband somewhat believes in allowance, but feels that everyone needs to pitch in, and that's that. No one should have to be bribed or paid to help with chores.

So, we argue. I just was wondering if someone could shed some light on 'proper' chores for a 9 yr old girl and a 13 yr old boy? He currently empties trash, takes it out for the garbage pick up, and helps to fold laundry. My daughter doesn't do much of anything--my fault I know...but I don't recall doing chores when I was 9? I have no clue how to get her to help out. (I'm not the greatest disciplinarian on earth)

So--please help me to understand my husband better. I don't want to argue with him, and I know he just wants them to be ready for life when they grow up...but, I just think he asks a lot of them sometimes.

Like spring break is coming up, and he's like...'ok kids, we're cleaning the garage this week.' Oh brother....here we go. I already said "this is their vacation...they're not cleaning the whole time!!" UGH! And that is way too much to ask of kids--to clean a garage...puuulease.

Help--I don't want these arguments to get worse!

Thanks for listening!!
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old Apr 11, '06, 5:26 am
Rob's Wife Rob's Wife is offline
Regular Member
 
Join Date: February 23, 2005
Posts: 3,102
Religion: Catholic
Smile Re: Do you ever argue over kids' chores, etc...w/spouse?

Listen to your dh.
He's right.
You're wrong.
Both of those kids are more than old enough to handle chores and more chores than they have.
They are part of a family and that means everyone helps everyone. Period. Free of charge.

Your dh is being very reasonable and I think you will be very glad in the future if you listen to him and back him 100% in this now.
__________________
Martha mom of 7 boys & 3 girls so far
Yes, they're all ours!
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old Apr 11, '06, 5:29 am
puzzleannie puzzleannie is offline
Forum Elder
 
Join Date: September 7, 2004
Posts: 37,470
Religion: Catholic no adjectives
Default Re: Do you ever argue over kids' chores, etc...w/spouse?

at 9 and 13 they should be cooking dinner and cleaning up, doing laundry, taking care of the yard and the pets while you and your husband watch TV or take a stroll in the park. That way they can screech "you just had us so you would have slaves to do all the work" to which you can heartily agree as you open another beer.

Parenting tip: have these discussions out of earshot of the k-i-d-s. Do not ever let a 13 yr old think she has a prayer of getting between you and your husband in an argument. If you do, it's over, might as well look into convent schools or military schools.
__________________
Whatever the Lord pleases He does, on heaven and on earth, in the seas and all deeps. Ps. 135
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old Apr 11, '06, 6:44 am
whatevergirl whatevergirl is offline
Forum Elder
Greeter
Prayer Warrior
 
Join Date: April 7, 2006
Posts: 23,255
Religion: Roman Catholic
Default Re: Do you ever argue over kids' chores, etc...w/spouse?

Quote:
Originally Posted by puzzleannie
at 9 and 13 they should be cooking dinner and cleaning up, doing laundry, taking care of the yard and the pets while you and your husband watch TV or take a stroll in the park. That way they can screech "you just had us so you would have slaves to do all the work" to which you can heartily agree as you open another beer.

Parenting tip: have these discussions out of earshot of the k-i-d-s. Do not ever let a 13 yr old think she has a prayer of getting between you and your husband in an argument. If you do, it's over, might as well look into convent schools or military schools.
Hmmm...I could get into some of these new responsibilites for the kids...LOL Wow...cooking dinner?? No way. WOW. I guess I want to raise them how I grew up, and he wants to raise them how he grew up. There has to be a balance. I can't imagine my kids taking care of the yard and cooking...although, it sounds relaxing for ME. LOL

I thank you for your candor. I needed a woman's perspective, because I always hear my husband's, and never get a feel for another opinion. My kids really grumble about this though...whine and carry on...perhaps, I just want to keep peace, but then my husband ends up mad at me.

I will try to let go of my feelings that they will resent me if I make them do all these chores. (that's why I allow them the slack I do) I hate to admit that, though--ugh. I don't want them to look back and say that I never stood up for them...ya know?

....At the risk of sounding like a wimpy mom....hee hee

Thanks for your advice!! Have a blessed day!
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old Apr 11, '06, 6:51 am
TridentineFan TridentineFan is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: September 1, 2005
Posts: 216
Religion: Catholic (convert May 2005)
Default Re: Do you ever argue over kids' chores, etc...w/spouse?

I totally agree with the DH here. Pitching in is part of contributing to the family. Daddies work hard for a living and work hard around the home. Mommies either do the same, or stay-at-home and work very hard around the home. Children should not be exempt from the natural laws of making a household run. I cannot remember an age before which I was responsible for making my own bed and could not leave the house in the morning till that was done. Well before nine, I was responsible for all my own laundry. By nine, I was assigned planning dinner for the family, putting the food items on the grocery list the week prior, then cooking it and cleaning it up one night per week. By that age, I could dust the house, vacuum, wash the car, and mow the lawn (manual mower, not gasoline).

You might enjoy reading fiction and biographies about farm children . . . basically any children before the last 70 years or so. Those kids had what we now consider "adult" chores by five years old. Yet those kids did not even have the benefit of much better nutrition, housing, warmth, sanitation, and education that we have now. How is it that those kids were so much more competent?
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old Apr 11, '06, 7:33 am
stayathomemom stayathomemom is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: November 17, 2005
Posts: 271
Religion: Catholic
Default Re: Do you ever argue over kids' chores, etc...w/spouse?

Quote:
Originally Posted by puzzleannie
. That way they can screech "you just had us so you would have slaves to do all the work" to which you can heartily agree as you open another beer.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old Apr 11, '06, 8:33 am
All4Him All4Him is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: April 9, 2006
Posts: 17
Religion: Catholic
Default Re: Do you ever argue over kids' chores, etc...w/spouse?

My 14 year old daughter has become an amazing cook. She can and does make an entire meal alone. In fact, when we bring meals to other families her recipes are often the first that come to mind!

With that said, I still have a lot of work to do in this area. My youngest are 3 year old twins and after a complicated pregnancy and moving into a new house I really lost my routine and schedule and never really adjusted for the family expansion. Now that I have my feet on the ground (although I hit the ground running!) I am working hard on establishing some new chore and responsibliltie routines.

When I think about the fact that my 14 year old will be in college in just four quick years I am overwhelmed by the fact that I still have a lot of preparing to do to get her ready to be on her own.

I think it is healthy and a gift to our children to teach them about living in a home that they contribute to the care and upkeep of. It is after all their home too.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old Apr 11, '06, 8:35 am
whatevergirl whatevergirl is offline
Forum Elder
Greeter
Prayer Warrior
 
Join Date: April 7, 2006
Posts: 23,255
Religion: Roman Catholic
Default Re: Do you ever argue over kids' chores, etc...w/spouse?

Quote:
Originally Posted by TridentineFan
I totally agree with the DH here. Pitching in is part of contributing to the family. Daddies work hard for a living and work hard around the home. Mommies either do the same, or stay-at-home and work very hard around the home. Children should not be exempt from the natural laws of making a household run. I cannot remember an age before which I was responsible for making my own bed and could not leave the house in the morning till that was done. Well before nine, I was responsible for all my own laundry. By nine, I was assigned planning dinner for the family, putting the food items on the grocery list the week prior, then cooking it and cleaning it up one night per week. By that age, I could dust the house, vacuum, wash the car, and mow the lawn (manual mower, not gasoline).

You might enjoy reading fiction and biographies about farm children . . . basically any children before the last 70 years or so. Those kids had what we now consider "adult" chores by five years old. Yet those kids did not even have the benefit of much better nutrition, housing, warmth, sanitation, and education that we have now. How is it that those kids were so much more competent?
I can't write much now, but will come back to this, later--but here's my reaction when I read about all those chores you did as a kid! LOL

WOW!

I will be back later to comment more....God bless all--
WG
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old Apr 11, '06, 8:37 am
Krisy Krisy is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: March 7, 2006
Posts: 159
Religion: Roman Catholic
Default Re: Do you ever argue over kids' chores, etc...w/spouse?

I also agree with your DH. My children are 5 and 3 and they have some basic tasks around our home (putting their clothes in the hamper, taking the recycling items to the garage, getting the trash from the bathrooms, picking up, etc.). They need to learn responsibility, and I believe in instilling that at a young age. My 5 year old son now feels very proud when he does something to help out around the house. In fact, one of my favorite memories of my son when he was just walking is finding him in the laundry room taking the clothes out of the dryer and putting them into the laundry basket. My DH and I found him standing in his diaper with this huge grin, and boy did we ever praise him! I feel that it is very important for everyone to appreciate being a part of the family and that includes helping out. It builds a sense of family unity and really helps with self-esteem. Please don't see "chores" as a bad thing. They are necessary to teach children the many responsibilities that they will face later in life.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old Apr 11, '06, 11:34 am
Ana's Avatar
Ana Ana is offline
Regular Member
 
Join Date: June 23, 2004
Posts: 1,821
Religion: Roman Catholic
Default Re: Do you ever argue over kids' chores, etc...w/spouse?

My 8 and 6 yr olds, tidy their rooms every day. My dd (6) also cleans the guinea pig cage once a week and feeds and waters the cat. My ds (8) feeds and waters the dog, as well as give her meds twice daily, and brings in the trash cans from the sidewalk. They both clean the back yard weekly, and dust and clean the windows in their rooms on Fridays. They are expected to clean up after themselves, clothes in hamper, towels off floor, bring dishes to the sink etc. They both receive a weekly allowance. I am in the minority that I do believe they should receive allowance. Life pays when you work. It is good for them to know that. When they don't work they don't get paid. They get a bonus dollar for doing their chores promptly and cheerfully. My daughter "earned" her guinea pig because she shows a tremendous amount of responsibility for her age. They both enjoy earning their money and feeling "needed." The household runs much more smoothly now, and I don't mind paying for the extra help. They also benefit because it frees up my time to spend time doing more "fun stuff" with them.

They also know how to do laundry, which is not part of their chore list. But if needed, comes in handy during those more difficult times ... I am sick ... new baby etc.

Back your husband. It is better for them to see you to united.

God bless!
__________________
Ana

I am she who is not. He is He who is.

Lord, save me from sourpuss Saints.
St. Teresa de Avila

ADOPTION ... A CHOICE that BOTHcan LIVE with.
Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old Apr 11, '06, 2:41 pm
whatevergirl whatevergirl is offline
Forum Elder
Greeter
Prayer Warrior
 
Join Date: April 7, 2006
Posts: 23,255
Religion: Roman Catholic
Default Re: Do you ever argue over kids' chores, etc...w/spouse?

Thanks ana....that makes sense, and I too believe they should receive an allowance.

It's not that I baby my kids, but they get excellent grades...are 'good' kids, very respectful, etc...my daughter is very active in our church. My son has a good head on his shoulders, so in a weird kind of way, I guess I feel like if I 'over-chore' them, it might appear that I'm punishing them. I know, this sounds crazy....but, that's how I feel.

The other part of it all is...my car is a mess, our bedroom is a mess...bla bla bla. I try to keep the living room, kitchen..."seeable" areas, LOL, clean, but if I can shut a door when company is coming, I just do that. *I try, but I hate cleaning!!!*

I mean...I clean the bathroom, kitchen, living room--but my bedroom and car are messes....My husband said he'd like to buy me a garbage truck to drive, and just have the kids hang on to the back. haha We bought a new car a few years ago, and I had it trashed in a week.

My husband quotes the Bible...'get your house in order.' (eye roll) One of the few times he quotes it LOL
But, maybe it is wrong to be messy....???

Anyways....how do I transition my kids into this??...seriously, they are not used to doing a whole lot around the house, so I will have to ease them into more chores...I'm willing, though, to listen to you guys. Thanks!
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old Apr 11, '06, 5:23 pm
Hawthorne Hawthorne is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: January 3, 2006
Posts: 63
Religion: Catholic.
Default Re: Do you ever argue over kids' chores, etc...w/spouse?

We tell our kids that we are a team and we all take care of the house and things we use. If they can't clean the play room, they can't use it. (TV is there). Our friends do the opposite. If the kids don't clean the play room, all of their free time is spent there, without tv, until they clean it. We give allowances, but only if five days worth of chores are done in the week. This allows them to double up. That said, we also let them, sometimes, choose which chore of a list they want. They see this as a reward. My wife and I are in agreement on all this, as well. We just emphasize the team aspect. If they complain, we offer to switch duties. (as we do ALL other chores, and not just one or two) They have yet to take us up on the offer. The kid who does something extra is the one who "gets" first pick of the chores. . .

As for us, we both worked around the house. I could and can and do cook since about age ten and did laundry from age 12. I am not trying to brag. Kids can master complicated video games and sports, so it is not out of thier abilities to follow a guideline for cleaning the bath or kitchen. Our kids are still little, but we want the habits formed before they get good at arguing.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old Apr 11, '06, 5:28 pm
whatevergirl whatevergirl is offline
Forum Elder
Greeter
Prayer Warrior
 
Join Date: April 7, 2006
Posts: 23,255
Religion: Roman Catholic
Default Re: Do you ever argue over kids' chores, etc...w/spouse?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hawthorne
We tell our kids that we are a team and we all take care of the house and things we use. If they can't clean the play room, they can't use it. (TV is there). Our friends do the opposite. If the kids don't clean the play room, all of their free time is spent there, without tv, until they clean it. We give allowances, but only if five days worth of chores are done in the week. This allows them to double up. That said, we also let them, sometimes, choose which chore of a list they want. They see this as a reward. My wife and I are in agreement on all this, as well. We just emphasize the team aspect. If they complain, we offer to switch duties. (as we do ALL other chores, and not just one or two) They have yet to take us up on the offer. The kid who does something extra is the one who "gets" first pick of the chores. . .

As for us, we both worked around the house. I could and can and do cook since about age ten and did laundry from age 12. I am not trying to brag. Kids can master complicated video games and sports, so it is not out of thier abilities to follow a guideline for cleaning the bath or kitchen. Our kids are still little, but we want the habits formed before they get good at arguing.
You're soooo right--yeah, they "master" these tricky video games...y can't they help out more? LOL Too funny.
I need to just stand back (and not get in his way) and let my husband take over with it--he's the one who wants them doing more chores...(to build character, he said...and so they don't end up like spoiled brats...like me, he says. ) He's right--I guess I needed to see what you all think, too....now I can tell him he's not crazy! LOL

You all agree with him!
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old Apr 11, '06, 5:56 pm
otm otm is offline
Regular Member
 
Join Date: May 19, 2004
Posts: 3,140
Religion: Catholic, Roman Rite
Default Re: Do you ever argue over kids' chores, etc...w/spouse?

This may not be polite: your kids whine? Tell them to put it in a bottle and put a cork in it; if you need wine you'll order a Chardonet...

They whine because you let them whine; which has taught them that if they whine enough, you'll give in.

My kids whined. I had twins, and they could play off each other.

The solution was fairly simple. I told them once to quit whining. Once was enough, they were not deaf, and I made sure I had their attention and they heard me. One more word of whining, and they lost a privilege, right then and there. No warning, no pleading, no threatening ("If you don't stop, I'm going to..."). It just happened.

Amazing what smart kids I had; they figured it out really quickly.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old Apr 11, '06, 6:13 pm
whatevergirl whatevergirl is offline
Forum Elder
Greeter
Prayer Warrior
 
Join Date: April 7, 2006
Posts: 23,255
Religion: Roman Catholic
Default Re: Do you ever argue over kids' chores, etc...w/spouse?

Quote:
Originally Posted by otm
This may not be polite: your kids whine? Tell them to put it in a bottle and put a cork in it; if you need wine you'll order a Chardonet...

They whine because you let them whine; which has taught them that if they whine enough, you'll give in.

My kids whined. I had twins, and they could play off each other.

The solution was fairly simple. I told them once to quit whining. Once was enough, they were not deaf, and I made sure I had their attention and they heard me. One more word of whining, and they lost a privilege, right then and there. No warning, no pleading, no threatening ("If you don't stop, I'm going to..."). It just happened.

Amazing what smart kids I had; they figured it out really quickly.
Meanie!

LOL--just teasing...I agree...I go round and round with my husband on this...he says I give in too easily...don't let them whine you out of something...etc...so, I know. When all these chores take place on the weekend, and they start their whining with my husband, he simply says...'whine again, and you're doing MORE chores.' LOL It seems to work, but they look angry....sad....and they start begging me to intervene.

I guess I need not to intervene, because then my husband gets mad at all of us, then. (and he's a pretty calm guy) So--starting this weekend, I will stop being a wimp about it all...and won't give in.

It really looks like we're divided when I intervene....and it might send them a mixed message that if they don't like something, they'll just come to me. So....

Thanks for your candor.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Go Back   Catholic Answers Forums > Forums > Catholic Living > Family Life > Parenting

Bookmarks

Thread Tools Search Thread
Search Thread:

Advanced Search
Display

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


Prayer Intentions

Most Active Groups
8306Meet and talk,talk talk
Last by: Amdelos
5071CAF Prayer Warriors Support Group
Last by: mountee
4359Devotion to the Sorrowful Mother
Last by: DesertSister62
4035OCD/Scrupulosity Group
Last by: 3DOCTORS
3853SOLITUDE
Last by: Prairie Rose
3617Let's empty Purgatory
Last by: RJB
3264Poems and Reflections
Last by: PathWalker
3212Catholic Vegetarians & Vegans
Last by: Rifester
3204Petitions Before the Blessed Sacrament
Last by: grateful_child
3071For seniors and shut- ins
Last by: tammany



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 7:21 pm.

Home RSS Feeds - Home - Archive - Top

Copyright © 2004-2014, Catholic Answers.