Should i have kept quiet?

[Joseph Michael]

I live in a condo on the same floor as one of our lectors and his wife who is a Eucharistic minister and their little 5 year old daughter. I noticed that he doesn't come to Mass when he is not reading. Now my understanding is that it is a mortal sin to miss Sunday Mass intentionally. We live right across the street from out Parish Church, which is very convenient. [I love it!] He and she work at home so, i assume their schedules are flexible.

This sort of has been bothering me that i don't see him or his wife at Mass most of the time and it is habitual. I thought i should encourage him, but i lack tact. I saw them going out Sunday and said "I didn't see you at the 5:15 pm. Mass last night or the 9 am. this morning either." He said "i don't see you for a year at a time." and i replied "That is because i was living in sin at the time."

I have gone off on my own a number of times, when i found temptation to a sinful lifestyle to much to handle. Let's face it; sometimes our flesh gets the better [or worst] of us. At those times the last place i wanted to be was in Church. Those periods could last all spring, summer and fall.

Now that i am living a faith filled life, i attend Mass every day and try to avoid all sinful living. I am concerned with this family's spiritual wellbeing. He seemed a little upset that i would question him about it. I'm also concerned with the example he is giving to his daughter. He is responsible for her as well as to himself. The wife goes to Mass less often than he does, even thought the daughter is very well behaved at Mass.

A friend told me i was wrong to bring this up to my neighbor. Am i being condemning? I know i am being judgmental. This has been on my mind since our encounter Sunday. I just wanted to encourage them away from obvious sin. I find the Mass so wonderful, i just think they are also missing out on great blessings.

Sincerely,
Joseph

PS. When i have been missing church, the Pastor never even contacted me to see what was wrong. What ever became of Pastoral care?

[debraran]

I would be very careful about this. It is between him and God and the pastor. Pastors don't call or check up much anymore, they are too busy and you never know what is going on in someone elses life. Just know you are doing the right thing and pray for him.

I was very upset when someone had the gall to think I wasn't going to church because they didn't see me. There are many masses and I wasn't going to the same one or two she was.....that didn't mean I wasn't going. Also, I started going to 2 churches (and didn't want to advertise it) because I found the other church more reverent and holy, BUT my children went to the school connected to the other church and wanted to see their friends and have sacraments there. We would alternate weeks for Sunday mass and I would attend daily mass at the new church. I also saw quite a few others from our parish at the other church because they offered a 5pm Sunday mass that was more convenient for many. So when people didn't see them at their church, they were attending elsewhere. You shouldn't judge what someone might be doing, just in case you are wrong.

[Katie1723]

We need to be more concerned why WE are at Mass and less concerned why OTHERS aren't.
Kathy

[ArAnMike]

I don't think you are wrong for saying something to them. Maybe the way you said it came over the wrong way with him. Remember to always converse with love and charity. The thing that concerns me is that this couple is a lector and an extraordinary Eucharistic minister, which makes missing Mass scandalous. If the gentleman admitted to missing Mass frequently, I would suggest talking to the pastor. People in visible positions in the Church should take extra care to avoid sinful situations that could and probably will lead others to think that what they are doing is OK. And like I said before, always approach this situation with charity.

[Joseph Michael]

debraran,
You have some good points. We have 4 Masses - 5:15 pm Saturday, 9 am & 11 am Sunday and 7 pm Sunday. I go to the 5:15 pm Saturday and 9 am Sunday every week. The 11 am Sunday is mostly Pilipino; they even sing the Lord's prayer in Tagalog. The 7 pm on Sunday is very youth oriented - mostly college and just about that age group. I only attended the 11 am & 7 pm Masses a couple of times and never saw them there. My friend suggested that they might have been attending another church on the weeks they were not doing readings and Eucharistic ministering.

I just felt if there was an explanation they would have offered it. Now i feel bad i ever brought it up to my neighbor. But i did feel that God was prompting me to encourage them.

I did pray the rosary for them yesterday. I will continue to pray for them.
--------------
Katie1723.
I go for grace to live and to worship God. That is why i go every day. I have been an awful sinner in my past life and i need the graces to avoid the sins i was involved in.

[mercygate]

Originally Posted by Joseph Michael

I live in a condo on the same floor as one of our lectors and his wife who is a Eucharistic minister and their little 5 year old daughter. I noticed that he doesn't come to Mass when he is not reading. Now my understanding is that it is a mortal sin to miss Sunday Mass intentionally. We live right across the street from out Parish Church, which is very convenient. [I love it!] He and she work at home so, i assume their schedules are flexible.

This sort of has been bothering me that i don't see him or his wife at Mass most of the time and it is habitual. I thought i should encourage him, but i lack tact. I saw them going out Sunday and said "I didn't see you at the 5:15 pm. Mass last night or the 9 am. this morning either." He said "i don't see you for a year at a time." and i replied "That is because i was living in sin at the time."

I have gone off on my own a number of times, when i found temptation to a sinful lifestyle to much to handle. Let's face it; sometimes our flesh gets the better [or worst] of us. At those times the last place i wanted to be was in Church. Those periods could last all spring, summer and fall.

Now that i am living a faith filled life, i attend Mass every day and try to avoid all sinful living. I am concerned with this family's spiritual wellbeing. He seemed a little upset that i would question him about it. I'm also concerned with the example he is giving to his daughter. He is responsible for her as well as to himself. The wife goes to Mass less often than he does, even thought the daughter is very well behaved at Mass.

A friend told me i was wrong to bring this up to my neighbor. Am i being condemning? I know i am being judgmental. This has been on my mind since our encounter Sunday. I just wanted to encourage them away from obvious sin. I find the Mass so wonderful, i just think they are also missing out on great blessings.

Sincerely,
Joseph

PS. When i have been missing church, the Pastor never even contacted me to see what was wrong. What ever became of Pastoral care?

As others have mentioned, Catholic Churches have more than one Mass.

If someone said to me, "I haven't seen you in Church lately. Is everything OK?" I would take it as a sign of concern. A person who had something to be ashamed of might get testy.

If someone said to me, "Why haven't you been coming to Mass?" I would take it as a rash judgment. I would ask them why they thought I wasn't coming to Mass.

As for the pastor not calling when you haven't shown up in a while:

How many Masses does he personally celebrate on a weekend? He could very likely not miss you because you very likely could have been at another Mass. Also, with the average suburban Catholic parish entertaining about 3000 people on Sundays, your presence or absence might not be the first thing he would notice.

[MrS]

Originally Posted by Joseph Michael

I live in a condo on the same floor as one of our lectors and his wife who is a Eucharistic minister and their little 5 year old daughter.

minor points, but he is most likely only a reader, not a lector

and his wife is at most an Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion, not an Eucharistic minister.

Thus both positions are held by simple laity in the Church, and are not ordained positions. That being said, they are on a "level playing field" with you. So perhaps you need to find a way to dialogue.

Perhaps a simple question, like ".... do you think someone like me could be a reader or an EMHC?" would open the door of conversation. But.... keep your cool and don't be judgemental...


.

[mercygate]

Originally Posted by MrS

Perhaps a simple question, like ".... do you think someone like me could be a reader or an EMHC?" would open the door of conversation. But.... keep your cool and don't be judgemental...

I like this approach.

But -- to use your prhase -- "minor point" -- a reader or EMHC is commissioned by the diocese to perform a ministry in the Church. Part of the drill is that you are supposed to be "in good standing": attending Mass every Sunday and on HDOs, marriage in order, not using contraception, supportive of the Magisterium. Bishop Vasa of Baker, Oregon created a stir a couple of years ago when he had the temerity (the NERVE!) to ask EMHCs and readers to sign a statement affirming that they were meeting these conditions in their own lives.

That said, our OP has a legitimate concern, but he is scarcely in a position to do much about it.

[Joseph Michael]

Originally Posted by mercygate

As others have mentioned, Catholic Churches have more than one Mass.

If someone said to me, "I haven't seen you in Church lately. Is everything OK?" I would take it as a sign of concern. A person who had something to be ashamed of might get testy.

If someone said to me, "Why haven't you been coming to Mass?" I would take it as a rash judgment. I would ask them why they thought I wasn't coming to Mass.

I lack tact. I said "I didn't see you at the 5:15 or 9 am Masses." There are only 4 Masses on Saturday and Sunday. It was in passing at the door down stairs at our condo building. It wasn't a deliberate conversation, just in passing. I know i didn't handle it well.

Originally Posted by mercygate

As for the pastor not calling when you haven't shown up in a while:

How many Masses does he personally celebrate on a weekend? He could very likely not miss you because you very likely could have been at another Mass. Also, with the average suburban Catholic parish entertaining about 3000 people on Sundays, your presence or absence might not be the first thing he would notice.

As i said, we only have 4 Masses and the last two weeks in a row we have had 407 and 409 attendees. It is a city Church. The Pastor knows me well and i have disappeared for months at a time. Even my neighbor noticed that, as he used it as his comeback to my inquiry. I just think the Pastor is a hands off pastor, [meaning he doesn't want to pry in our personal affairs.]

[marybee]

You might consider getting a new hobby. Peeping Toms are very annoying!

[lak611]

Originally Posted by mercygate

As others have mentioned, Catholic Churches have more than one Mass.

If someone said to me, "I haven't seen you in Church lately. Is everything OK?" I would take it as a sign of concern. A person who had something to be ashamed of might get testy.

If someone said to me, "Why haven't you been coming to Mass?" I would take it as a rash judgment. I would ask them why they thought I wasn't coming to Mass.

They also could be going to Mass at a different parish.

As for the pastor not calling when you haven't shown up in a while:

How many Masses does he personally celebrate on a weekend? He could very likely not miss you because you very likely could have been at another Mass. Also, with the average suburban Catholic parish entertaining about 3000 people on Sundays, your presence or absence might not be the first thing he would notice.

My parish is large. I was away from the Church for 5 years before I returned. They sent me envelopes every month when I was away and never called or sent a letter even though none of the envelopes were ever returned. At the time, the pastor and the other priests did not know me. Before I left, I just went to Mass and confession, but never talked to anybody in the church. Since I have returned, I have joined several groups in the parish and all the priests know me. Prior to that, I was just an unknown face in the crowd, so they had no way of connecting a name with a face.

[maryalene]

I don't know that you were wrong to say anything to them, but as you have admitted and others have stated, it probably could have been handled better. If you feel bad about it, the next time you see him, you could say something like "I'm sorry if I put you on the spot about going to church - I was just worried about you" and depending on his response, take it from there. Best wishes!

[LilyM]

Originally Posted by Joseph Michael

I just felt if there was an explanation they would have offered it.

Don't feel bad for asking. Just remember that they don't have to give you any explanation or tell you anything - it's between them, their confessors and pastors, and God.

And there can be all sorts of valid reasons why they don't go every Sunday - maybe one or other of them is ill or they have to look after children or relatives. Maybe they simply don't want anyone at your church to know that they go somewhere else?

[baltobetsy]

Originally Posted by Joseph Michael

I lack tact.

This is something you'll really need to work on if you intend to bring others to Christ. Here are some practical suggestions:

Always listen more than you talk. Draw out the other person - in this one step you'll gain valuable information and make the person feel valued and respected.

It is your duty in charity to assume the best about other people. Not to do so is rash judgment. Mentally make excuses for them, if you have to. As St. Josemaria Escriva taught, if you cannot help concluding that they have done something wrong, at least think, the temptation must have been very strong.

In the same vein, some thoughts of Mark Shea from Catholic Exchange:

Cover Sin With Love!
by Mark Shea

1 Peter 4:8
Above all hold unfailing your love for one another, since love covers a multitude of sins.

This is a verse that is understood by every healthy family in the world. Love covers sins in different way than lies and deception cover sins. It covers them because love knows that sin is not the essence of who we are, but a distortion and a deformity of who we are. When we sin, God walks in backwards and covers us as Shem and Japheth covered the drunken Noah. Love covers sin gently, so as to heal it like a bandage. Hatred exposes sin violently, so as to rip the wound open and rub in the salted words: "This is who you really are!" Today, cover sin with love.

Betsy

[Lucania]

Originally Posted by Joseph Michael

I live in a condo on the same floor as one of our lectors and his wife who is a Eucharistic minister and their little 5 year old daughter. I noticed that he doesn't come to Mass when he is not reading. Now my understanding is that it is a mortal sin to miss Sunday Mass intentionally. We live right across the street from out Parish Church, which is very convenient. [I love it!] He and she work at home so, i assume their schedules are flexible.

This sort of has been bothering me that i don't see him or his wife at Mass most of the time and it is habitual. I thought i should encourage him, but i lack tact. I saw them going out Sunday and said "I didn't see you at the 5:15 pm. Mass last night or the 9 am. this morning either." He said "i don't see you for a year at a time." and i replied "That is because i was living in sin at the time."

I have gone off on my own a number of times, when i found temptation to a sinful lifestyle to much to handle. Let's face it; sometimes our flesh gets the better [or worst] of us. At those times the last place i wanted to be was in Church. Those periods could last all spring, summer and fall.

Now that i am living a faith filled life, i attend Mass every day and try to avoid all sinful living. I am concerned with this family's spiritual wellbeing. He seemed a little upset that i would question him about it. I'm also concerned with the example he is giving to his daughter. He is responsible for her as well as to himself. The wife goes to Mass less often than he does, even thought the daughter is very well behaved at Mass.

A friend told me i was wrong to bring this up to my neighbor. Am i being condemning? I know i am being judgmental. This has been on my mind since our encounter Sunday. I just wanted to encourage them away from obvious sin. I find the Mass so wonderful, i just think they are also missing out on great blessings.

Sincerely,
Joseph

PS. When i have been missing church, the Pastor never even contacted me to see what was wrong. What ever became of Pastoral care?

Unless this person is a good friend, I would caution making any mention of him and his Mass attendance. If he was a good friend, you could say " Hey, missed you at Mass this morning, is everything alright?" But really it is of no concern of yours, IMO. That is between him & God. Maybe you could offer some prayers for him & whatever is going on in his life that makes him miss Mass regularly. Sometimes we can become lukewarm in our faith, as it has happened to me more than once .