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  #1  
Old Jul 23, '07, 6:23 am
leonie leonie is offline
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Default How do you deal with chronic liars?

My sister has been married to J. for three and a half years. He has a lot of problems. He's not very smart. He has adult attention disorder. He doesn't have very good people skills. But, all that is okay. My sister has her own problems with anxiety, common sense, etc. I think some people are put on this earth so we can help them. I see my sister and her husband as one of the reasons that Jesus said we shall always have the poor among us. They just aren't gifted with the type of skills and talents that help us to succeed in the world.

But......my BIL has some moral problems that really causes a lot of difficulties and anguish in our family. For one thing, he steals. It's petty stuff--like the change off my parent's dresser. Once, he stole $180 from my grandmother's drawer. And, he is a chronic liar. Because he isn't very smart, it's pretty easy to spot his lies. He lies about things that don't even matter. He lies to make other people look bad.

I could give lots of examples. Yesterday, he told a false story about my mother to make her look bad that was an obvious lie. He tells my 97 year old grandmother-- who is starting to get dementia and anxiety-- lies about my mother.

but, what do you do when someone is defaming another or telling an obvious lie. Do you call them on it? Do you walk away?

The most tiresome aspect of this is that my brother was involved with a girl for ten years that was a pathological liar. But, she was clever and manipulative, so we didn't catch on for many years that she was lying. It was ridiculous. She'd lie about things that didn't even matter.

Why are my siblings attracted to these personality types?!?
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  #2  
Old Jul 23, '07, 6:28 am
b_justb b_justb is offline
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Default Re: How do you deal with chronic liars?

Quote:
Originally Posted by leonie
... what do you do when someone is defaming another or telling an obvious lie. Do you call them on it? Do you walk away?
You call them on it with much charity. Not to enables the behavior. You're in a difficult position. Much prayer is needed.
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The Epistle of St. Paul to the Churches of Galatia 5:25, 26
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  #3  
Old Jul 23, '07, 7:33 am
luvmykids luvmykids is offline
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Default Re: How do you deal with chronic liars?

Quote:
Originally Posted by leonie View Post
My sister has been married to J. for three and a half years. He has a lot of problems. He's not very smart. He has adult attention disorder. He doesn't have very good people skills. But, all that is okay. My sister has her own problems with anxiety, common sense, etc. I think some people are put on this earth so we can help them. I see my sister and her husband as one of the reasons that Jesus said we shall always have the poor among us. They just aren't gifted with the type of skills and talents that help us to succeed in the world.

But......my BIL has some moral problems that really causes a lot of difficulties and anguish in our family. For one thing, he steals. It's petty stuff--like the change off my parent's dresser. Once, he stole $180 from my grandmother's drawer. And, he is a chronic liar. Because he isn't very smart, it's pretty easy to spot his lies. He lies about things that don't even matter. He lies to make other people look bad.

I could give lots of examples. Yesterday, he told a false story about my mother to make her look bad that was an obvious lie. He tells my 97 year old grandmother-- who is starting to get dementia and anxiety-- lies about my mother.

but, what do you do when someone is defaming another or telling an obvious lie. Do you call them on it? Do you walk away?

The most tiresome aspect of this is that my brother was involved with a girl for ten years that was a pathological liar. But, she was clever and manipulative, so we didn't catch on for many years that she was lying. It was ridiculous. She'd lie about things that didn't even matter.

Why are my siblings attracted to these personality types?!?

I could be writing this very post about my sibling. She sounds just like the clever pathological liar that your brother was involved with for ten years. She even lies about things that don't matter....would never know unless you caught her in it and knew her well. I don't get it and don't understand if it's a mental problem or just manipulation.

I wish I could give you some advise, but I'm actually seeking the same advice, as I don't know how to deal with it myself. I just realized that maybe it is more common than I thought and I'm not the only one dealing with this. Lying becomes so much a part of their life, that they begin to convince themselves that it isn't really a lie I guess.
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  #4  
Old Jul 23, '07, 8:03 am
BlestOne BlestOne is offline
 
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Default Re: How do you deal with chronic liars?

Actually I don't think it is a "type" that attracts your brother and sister per se, I think it is the liar that is attracted to them because of their trusting nature. Habitual liars look for trusting people to be in a relationship with because they naturally trust. I was married to one of these types. When I finally started confronting him, he left after dropping the lie bomb of the century.... he denied he had a child from another woman I knew nothing about. He tried to say the woman was a liar and was never pregnant. After he left, I found out he was married to her and they did have a child together! Part of me mourns that I lost my trust in people. I will never be as trusting as I was, but I can still try to be as loving.
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  #5  
Old Jul 23, '07, 8:10 am
dulcissima dulcissima is offline
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Default Re: How do you deal with chronic liars?

Quote:
Originally Posted by b_justb View Post
You call them on it with much charity. Not to enables the behavior. You're in a difficult position. Much prayer is needed.
I agree. I think it is important to call him on it, especially since you say he isn't all that bright. He needs to know that people know when he is lying and that it isn't a good choice to lie. I also would not get involved in a back and forth debate in which you have to prove to him that he is lying. When he is lying you both know it and you don't have to prove anything.
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  #6  
Old Jul 23, '07, 8:16 am
KCT KCT is offline
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Default Re: How do you deal with chronic liars?

I think they live in their own little world and will find a way to get around whatever you confront them about.

I'd keep conversations to harmless, benign topics or avoid the person. They think they're right no matter what. ---KCT
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  #7  
Old Jul 23, '07, 8:30 am
Jeanette L Jeanette L is offline
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Default Re: How do you deal with chronic liars?

I think that calling him on it whenever possible is a way of holding him to some form of accountability, whether he ever changes his behavior or not. So far, no one has had the gumption to do it, so he's always gotten away with it. I'd put an end to that.

Even if he doesn't stop, you and he and anyone else around, will know that it's not ok to endlessly try to deceive people. And you're letting him know that neither you, nor anyone else he's attempted to deceive, are not fools, that's basically what he thinks of all of you, because he's always gotten away with it. The jig is up!

And you might get lucky, maybe he'll stop coming around!
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  #8  
Old Jul 23, '07, 9:08 am
Nechasin Nechasin is offline
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Default Re: How do you deal with chronic liars?

Quote:
Originally Posted by KCT View Post
I think they live in their own little world and will find a way to get around whatever you confront them about.

I'd keep conversations to harmless, benign topics or avoid the person. They think they're right no matter what. ---KCT
I will agree with this advice and I use it when I deal with a particular person oin my family. It has kept my sanity and kept the peace. And if you know they are a liar, you can just discount everything they say off the top and know not to believe them. If it is something important, you should be able to find verification of what they are telling you.
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  #9  
Old Jul 23, '07, 10:43 am
leonie leonie is offline
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Default Re: How do you deal with chronic liars?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeanette L View Post

And you might get lucky, maybe he'll stop coming around!
Ah, he and my sister live adjacent to my parent's house, so when I visit my parents and my grandmother, they are there. I try to go when he shouldn't be home.
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  #10  
Old Jul 23, '07, 10:46 am
leonie leonie is offline
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Default Re: How do you deal with chronic liars?

So far, it's split between, avoid 'em and ignore 'em and confront 'em.

I've been doing the ignore and avoid. I just wonder if it's the right thing to do.

He says his lies with so much conviction. It's like as soon as he says it, it's become true (for him).

I wonder if Judas was like this.
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  #11  
Old Jul 23, '07, 10:48 am
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chevalier chevalier is offline
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Default Re: How do you deal with chronic liars?

I try to call liars on their lies, although I suppose in some situations, it would be better to confront them privately than contest a lie in public as it is spoken.

If I had to deal with a habitual liar, I would strenously call any lies ever heard, presenting the correct information. Perhaps the habitual liar would then learn that it doesn't pay to lie.

However, I'd rather not have to judge habitual liars since while some lie for profit and gain, some lie to avoid embarrassment and some are deeply embedded in their fantasies. Others may have a blurred sense of truth. The intention to cause harm by distorting the truth is not always present. Perhaps not very often, actually.

Some liars are difficult to catch since they will go to great lengths asserting that they speak the truth. They will make you look bad if you don't believe them. Sometimes you will give them the benefit of doubt in spite of overwhelming odds of probability.

Well, there's always the possibility that asking him directly will work. "Why do you lie?" Sometimes simple solutions work the best. Who knows, maybe he will actually answer and give you some insight in the situation.

I would think lying in unimportant matter suggests a blurred distinction of truth and falsehood, which probably means that empirical facts are not so important to the person. I would say it's possible such an attitude comes from very bad experience with the real word. It must be very sad for the person. It should be better to approach him with care and love rather than a justice-based confrontation. At the same time, the lies should never be "bought", I think. But this might be just my reluctance to tolerate such things. At any rate, I would approach the person with care, but never allow the lies to pass unchallenged. Also, perhaps the experience with the habitual liar of a girlfriend has changed him. That must have been quite traumatising for him. I can imagine... I had a kind of relationship like that some time ago.
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  #12  
Old Jul 23, '07, 11:14 am
KCT KCT is offline
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Default Re: How do you deal with chronic liars?

Quote:
Originally Posted by leonie View Post
So far, it's split between, avoid 'em and ignore 'em and confront 'em. He says his lies with so much conviction. It's like as soon as he says it, it's become true (for him).
I think that's the key. If he believes it, it doesn't matter what 'proof' you have. In his reality, he's right and you're wrong.
---KCT
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  #13  
Old Jul 23, '07, 4:48 pm
xmydreamsfadex xmydreamsfadex is offline
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Default Re: How do you deal with chronic liars?

he's lying on your mom. call him out and poke him in the chest!
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  #14  
Old Jul 24, '07, 5:30 am
leonie leonie is offline
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Default Re: How do you deal with chronic liars?

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Originally Posted by xmydreamsfadex View Post
he's lying on your mom. call him out and poke him in the chest!
That's my natural inclination

But, if it's not going to do any good, I want to be able to see my nephews.

Errrrrr, it makes me so mad It's like dealing with a mean little nine year old neighbor boy.
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  #15  
Old Jul 24, '07, 7:39 am
ridesawhitehors ridesawhitehors is offline
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Default Re: How do you deal with chronic liars?

ooooo! I just HATE lying! I would have a really hard time with this one.
If it were just an aquaintance I would never talk to them again. (In fact, I have done that) But ME, being the buttinski that I am, I would be defending my Mom and granny like a mad doberman!
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