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  #1  
Old Nov 7, '07, 6:15 pm
whatevergirl whatevergirl is offline
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Default Kids & apologies

In reading through some threads on disciplining...do you make it a point to have your child apologize to you/your spouse, their siblings...friends...whoever it is that they hurt or upset? My husband and I have been asking this of them, as all part of the resolution process, we like to call it, for about the past three years. If my daughter raises her voice to me, she is sent to her room, no tv for a prescribed period (or whatever the punishment is for the deed), and then when she is permitted to come out...she must apologize (heartfelt ) to me...or if it my husband, same thing. She finds it the hardest to apologize (heartfelt) to her brother.

<<-----that's the face she does when she mouthes...'sorry!' (that's not heartfelt...do it again)

The whole apology thing works very well...it's worse than the punishment, for them both, but it teaches them to face up to the person they hurt or upset, and ask for forgiveness. It's a good thing in our house. Of all the things I'm not vigilant about (for those of you who know my discipline skills or lack there of) my husband marvels that I'm vigilant about this, when reprimanding my kids.

Do you have something similiar that you follow with your own kids? Do u ask them to apologize for the wrongs they do? Look forward to your replies.
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  #2  
Old Nov 8, '07, 4:32 am
dranzal dranzal is offline
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Default Re: Kids & apologies

We require apologies.
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  #3  
Old Nov 8, '07, 7:00 am
OutinChgoburbs OutinChgoburbs is offline
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Default Re: Kids & apologies

We require apologies of the girls, and of ourselves.
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  #4  
Old Nov 8, '07, 7:24 am
BlestOne BlestOne is offline
 
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Default Re: Kids & apologies

Not only did I require apologies, but they had to be in full sentence format:

I am sorry I hit you, or I am sorry I hurt your feelings. and then another sentence: Please forgive me, I will try not to XXXXXXX (hurt your feelings, hit you, disrespect you) again.

Then the offended had to say:

Apology accepted (or denied), please don't XXXXXX again. If they denied, they had to explain what the other could do to have their apology accepted ... but it had to match the deed. Like if they threw the others toys around the room, they might be required to pick them up before the apology was accepted.

It worked very well for us because I totally hate the sarcastic "Sorry" thing and I wanted them to use full sentences so they acknowledged what they did that was wrong. I let them say accepted or denied to give them choice and to teach about forgiveness.....

See, I am not quite as stupid as my kids think I am!
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  #5  
Old Nov 8, '07, 8:44 am
whatevergirl whatevergirl is offline
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Default Re: Kids & apologies

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlestOne View Post
Not only did I require apologies, but they had to be in full sentence format:

I am sorry I hit you, or I am sorry I hurt your feelings. and then another sentence: Please forgive me, I will try not to XXXXXXX (hurt your feelings, hit you, disrespect you) again.

Then the offended had to say:

Apology accepted (or denied), please don't XXXXXX again. If they denied, they had to explain what the other could do to have their apology accepted ... but it had to match the deed. Like if they threw the others toys around the room, they might be required to pick them up before the apology was accepted.

It worked very well for us because I totally hate the sarcastic "Sorry" thing and I wanted them to use full sentences so they acknowledged what they did that was wrong. I let them say accepted or denied to give them choice and to teach about forgiveness.....

See, I am not quite as stupid as my kids think I am!
excellent! I like the full sentences. Some may say that this 'technique' is just having kids go through the motions...they don't really mean it. Well, in part that could be true. But, I started this when my son was around 11, and now that he is a teenager, he freely says sorry on his own--and it's typically heartfelt. So, if something positive is done enough times...it will become a habit...

Thanks for sharing.
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  #6  
Old Nov 8, '07, 11:16 am
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Convert in 99 Convert in 99 is offline
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Default Re: Kids & apologies

While this is all very good I just need to bring up two extra points.

They should learn to not only tell the person they are sorry, but also God. Especially if they are older they need to realize that when we hurt another we hurt God and God in that person too. If they are younger, this might be a little much, but certainly around first communion time they are ready for this.

Also, if saying sorry is stressed too much, the kid (and I have seen this before) will start saying sorry for EVERYTHING. Even things that aren't wrong, or a fault. Every little word that comes out wrong like saying "fro" instead of "throw" will be followed by a sorry. Or making a mistake on a homework assignment might be followed with a sorry. Or putting on sandals when you told the kid shoes. I have seen this and it is so sad. So stressing it too much, especially if they are small, can affect them negatively too.

Good luck finding the balance!


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  #7  
Old Nov 8, '07, 11:28 am
whatevergirl whatevergirl is offline
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Default Re: Kids & apologies

Quote:
Originally Posted by Convert in 99 View Post
While this is all very good I just need to bring up two extra points.

They should learn to not only tell the person they are sorry, but also God. Especially if they are older they need to realize that when we hurt another we hurt God and God in that person too. If they are younger, this might be a little much, but certainly around first communion time they are ready for this.

Also, if saying sorry is stressed too much, the kid (and I have seen this before) will start saying sorry for EVERYTHING. Even things that aren't wrong, or a fault. Every little word that comes out wrong like saying "fro" instead of "throw" will be followed by a sorry. Or making a mistake on a homework assignment might be followed with a sorry. Or putting on sandals when you told the kid shoes. I have seen this and it is so sad. So stressing it too much, especially if they are small, can affect them negatively too.

Good luck finding the balance!


Good points! For our family, it's really when there is a punishment involved...so, my husband and I feel at that point, like there really has been harm done to another...such as name calling your brother or sister or yelling at him/her...or talking back to my dh and me. So, that's where our boundaries are set. Now, of course, we teach if you hurt people's feelings...out in the world, same 'rules' apply. I have always taught to treat others the way you would want to be treated. So far, it has been working. I think that for little little kids, it might not work as well. Not sure...I didn't use this method when they were very little.
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  #8  
Old Nov 9, '07, 10:58 am
ThyKingdomCome ThyKingdomCome is offline
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Default Re: Kids & apologies

I agree with a PP, the one word "Sorry" answer usually sounds disrespectful and insincere. It is a big peeve of mine that Supernanny has the kids say "sorry" and most of the time their apology is just as snotty as their initial attitude. We require the kids to say "I'm sorry." or "I'm sorry for ___" depending on the age of the child and the situation. The person who is being apologized to, says "I forgive you" in response. It's another (smaller) peeve to hear people respond "It's ok" to an apology. That tells the offender that they didn't need to apologize, and what they did was ok. I know it is probably said becuase the person is uncomfortable and doesn't know what else to say. But we are really called to forgive, so I prefer to use that as a response (honestly of course - I don't force the forgiveness statement, but do want to hear the child acknowledge the apology. Most of the time, the kids really do forgive each other right away - what an example!).
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Old Nov 9, '07, 11:24 am
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kristacecilia kristacecilia is offline
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Default Re: Kids & apologies

I require my 3 year old to apologize in full form:

"Name, I am sorry that I ______. Will you please forgive me?"

Whomever he is apologizing to then usually replies:

"Yes, DS1, I forgive you. Please do not ______ again."

This usually goes hand-in-hand with time-outs for more serious offences (hitting, biting, repetitive not listening to mom....)

DS2 is only 21 months and just starting to form sentances. We're working on getting him to say "Sorry, Please forgive me?" right now, but when he is able, he'll have to do the same as big brother.

It is very endearing to see my boys apologize to one another. They always hug and kiss at the end of the apology. It's a lot more refreshing to see that than to see the hitting that caused the apology to be necessary in the first place.

Oh, and I am in complete agreement with the PP who said they found the "It's okay" to be a pet peeve. I take teaching my children very seriously, and I want them to understand that what they have done is wrong and affected someone else. Please don't tell them that it's okay. It's not okay.
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  #10  
Old Nov 9, '07, 12:52 pm
MCL MCL is offline
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Default Re: Kids & apologies

We also use the full format apology.

Sometimes, depending on the offense and age of the child, a written apology may be required. I sign and date them then keep in a file. If the child repeats the same offense, he reads the first apology and we try to discuss with him in more detail the reasons for the repeat and how he may handle it differently.

I have also used the "write 10 times: I will always treat my brother with kindness and respect." Or some other lesson appropriate to the offense. I also keep these. For subsequent offenses, the number increases. It has never gotten too high!

I believe the verbal exchange, when done properly, stresses a few things:

Accurate expression of feelings for both parties in both words and tone. It is important for the offender to hear how his/her actions affected someone else. It is also important for the person offended to learn how to express themselves.

Reconciliation is an action, not just a thought or feeling. Jesus would not have given us the Sacrament of Reconciliation if He thought we didn't need it! Modeling the action in the home reinforces the Sacrament.
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  #11  
Old Nov 9, '07, 12:55 pm
mercygate mercygate is offline
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Default Re: Kids & apologies

Requiring an apology is one thing.

Requiring that it be expressed respectfully is one thing.

Requiring that it be "sincere" or "heartfelt" is not possible. All you can do is teach the kids what it MEANS to hurt someone and to apologize. You can teach them that it is important to take responsbility for their actions. But it's not possible to force their hearts.
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