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  #1  
Old Dec 14, '07, 11:02 am
tmeier45 tmeier45 is offline
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Default Tubal ligation question.

Hello to everyone, and this being my 1st post I'll just cut right to the chase regarding why I just signed up.

My wife and I have had some heated debates regarding tubal ligation. She has already signed the papers to receive this procedure after our 4th child is born in 8 weeks. This is completely against my wishes, however there is nothing I can do to stop this (legally). She has the state covering all costs, and therefor I have no rights as a husband to stop this from occurring. So now I've turned to our Blessed Mother and JPII for a miracle in that this procedure will not be able to take place.

We had used condoms for 6 months earlier in our marriage, but I put a quick end to that once I finally listened to the Lord telling me to stop. We've practiced NFP since, but our most recent child was conceived on the safest day of the month, which must be why NFP isn't 100% when used properly. So now she has absolutely no faith in NFP.

If the procedure does occur, I do have some concerns for our life afterwards:
1. Sexual relations: I can't help but think that I'm somehow condoning the ligation if I have marital relations with my wife after the procedure takes place. I've asked St. Joseph for the strength to endure that decision, after all....who better to ask for chastity prayers than him. Sex doesn't occur often anyway, so I'm praying that if this is the answer the transition to full chastity will be relatively painless.
2. Her participation at Mass: We both know it is a grave sin to commit this, but she's going to do it anyway as she does not want anymore children, period. I know it's my duty as a husband to get her to confession, but will she truly be sorry for this. I know it's eventually possible, but she shouldn't be receiving until that time.....and I know she will still receive regardless (I blame this on her upbringing and lack of religious discipline in her faith formation).

Any words of encouragement, or information would be much appreciated. I do have other concerns and quesitons, but I may wait to post them.
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  #2  
Old Dec 14, '07, 11:07 am
DJgang DJgang is offline
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Default Re: Tubal ligation question.

Is there anyway that you can get her to agree to wait until this child is at least one year old? That might just be a way to buy some time and maybe let her heart work...get people praying, etc.
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  #3  
Old Dec 14, '07, 12:24 pm
tmeier45 tmeier45 is offline
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Default Re: Tubal ligation question.

Then she wouldn't be able to get the procedure paid for, and she knows that not a dime of the money I earn can go towards it. I exhausted almost every plee or possibility. Now it's up to prayer.

Do you know of any resources I can look at for some insight?
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  #4  
Old Dec 14, '07, 12:31 pm
puzzleannie puzzleannie is offline
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Default Re: Tubal ligation question.

as far as any matter your wife might have for confession, that is up to her and between her and her priest. as far as your responsibility, in general when one spouse contracepts against the will of the other, the other is not responsible and does not incur sin, although of course will suffer to some extent the very bad effects that occur in the marriage relationship due to contraception. that being said you must also discuss the matter with your priest in confession and get his advice, and not rely on spiritual advice from strangers.

as an old married lady, my next advice, since you ask, would be work on the entire relationship, the reasons for fear, aversion, or refusal to have more children, including the reasons you used NFP in the first place. that involves both of you discerning God's will for you as a couple, as a family, as parents, and as individuals, and should go better with some spiritual direction, and marital counselling if that is indicated.
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Whatever the Lord pleases He does, on heaven and on earth, in the seas and all deeps. Ps. 135
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  #5  
Old Dec 14, '07, 2:12 pm
1ke 1ke is offline
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Default Re: Tubal ligation question.

Quote:
Originally Posted by tmeier45 View Post
Then she wouldn't be able to get the procedure paid for, and she knows that not a dime of the money I earn can go towards it. I exhausted almost every plee or possibility. Now it's up to prayer.

Do you know of any resources I can look at for some insight?
www.omsoul.com has some resources on sterilization-- and testimony of those who have regretted sterilization-- that might be helpful.

You do not sin in having relations with her if you are unable to stop her from committing this act.

I am sorry this is happening to you.
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Pax, ke

ke's universal disclaimer: In my posts, when I post about marriage, canon law, or sacraments I am talking about Latin Rite only, not the Orthodox and Eastern Rites. These are exceptions that confuse the issue and I am not talking about those.
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  #6  
Old Dec 14, '07, 2:41 pm
vocatio vocatio is offline
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Default Re: Tubal ligation question.

I understand your pain. My wife was not Catholic and neither was I acting Catholic when she did this. However, I was against it and cringed at it when she brought it up. I feel wounded from it, but have taken on the responsiblity of knowing that somehow I wasn't providing for her what she needed to feel less fear. My heart still hurts from it, but I can not change it. She's converted and confessed it so that's between her and God now. If you only knew how much I'd love to have more children.

She contracepted in the beginning and I really didn't have much of a say. But practicing Protestantism just doesn't cover this like Catholicism. So I made my bed and dealt with it in prayer. There is almost 7 years between our first and second child. It really hurt because it was like killing her love for me. It hurt our relationship for many years until she finally opened up again feeling less fear from family and financial security. However, our third child came by surprized to our delight and drove her more into fear because our daughter was born with a very large vascular malformation. She had the tubal ligation in the same setting the next moring while I was still not there. After arriving to the hospital I nearly went into tears and still to this day have moments of sadness attached to this issue. But allowing her to see my pain is just not acceptable because it's done and reversing it is costly and even a little scary knowing how simple operations can end up killing someone. Our 3 children have a mom and dad that love them. I give it to the Lord and PRAY like heck that the tubal will just undo itself each time we have relations.

Pray and hope for the best. But be happy you have 4 children. If people, including myself, would only trust in God more fully we'd live in such a better state of mind

Rosary for you tonight. Let her see my post. Maybe it will show her the effects it has on our psyche.
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  #7  
Old Dec 14, '07, 5:36 pm
kage_ar kage_ar is offline
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Default Re: Tubal ligation question.

You might also point out that tubals are not 100% perfect. There are many people walking around who were born to moms who'd been "fixed". Google will bring up articles that show a failure rate of around 2%.

Prayers.
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  #8  
Old Dec 14, '07, 11:00 pm
Adam41 Adam41 is offline
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Default Re: Tubal ligation question.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kage_ar View Post
Google will bring up articles that show a failure rate of around 2%..
Also show your wife the many articles that show that dangers associated with a surgery like this: research ‘post-tubal ligation syndrome’

http://www.health24.com/sex/Contrace...1266,12670.asp

.... and to think about all the negative "side effects":
  • Possibly longer or heavier menstrual bleeding and more cramping, which may be dependent upon previous bleeding and menstrual cycle patterns, and birth control methods used.
  • Menstrual irregularities and prolonged bleeding. It is not fully understood why there are bleeding disorders, but two theories are:
    *Reduced levels of serum progesterone or
    *Interruption of the blood supply from the uterus to the ovaries due to scar tissue formation.
  • Increased risk of ectopic (tubal) pregnancy. Chances of pregnancy after tubal ligation are about 2.5 in 1,000 women after four years post-surgery. Out of these, approximately one half will result in ectopic pregnancy. Therefore, pregnancies occurring after tubal ligation must be carefully evaluated to determine if they are intrauterine or ectopic pregnancies.
  • Failure to close the tubes that can result in a pregnancy. A round ligament, for example, may be mistaken for the tube. Also, crushed or severed tubes may heal themselves over time and grow back together naturally.
  • In rare cases, premature menopause.
  • Increased need for surgeries to control excessive bleeding.
  • Injuries to other internal organs from cauterization.
  • Regret over loss of fertility.
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  #9  
Old Dec 19, '07, 4:28 pm
tmeier45 tmeier45 is offline
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Default Re: Tubal ligation question.

Thank you all for your input/answers/prayers. My wife has informed me that she does not want to go through with the operation and is open to me getting her more info.

I'm not out of the tunnel yet, but am beginning to see a light in the distance. I just pray my wife and I arrive there together, at the same time.

VOCATIO, thank you for your testimony.
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  #10  
Old Dec 19, '07, 9:13 pm
Huiou Theou's Avatar
Huiou Theou Huiou Theou is offline
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Default Re: Tubal ligation question.

Tmeir,

On the subject of NFP :

You might consider getting fertility monitoring (ovulation predictor) sticks (the OPK ones, but not pregnancy test sticks) -- eg: the same ones used by people trying to become pregnant.

They will give a backup indicator of when ovulation occurs -- and unless your wife is taking fertility drugs ( ! ) they are quite accurate. Waiting a minimum of three days after the stick first shows (or the standard NFP six days is *very* safe), and can be compared against other NFP information to prove what is going on. (The sticks should go pink for one to three days in a row, but never pink stop-being-pink and pink again in the same cycle -- or else your wife could be experiencing related medical problems which should be addressed for her health. )

Perhaps monitoring the ovulation this way will allow you to find out non-invasively why NFP failed for you and your wife, and they are very reassuring -- a little pink bar is easy to see, without extra information about the "conditions" being paraded to increase the spark of the marriage at a difficult time.

more info:
http://www.peeonastick.com/

Best wishes.
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  #11  
Old Dec 19, '07, 9:33 pm
Pax Pax is offline
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Default Re: Tubal ligation question.

There was a time when my wife and I looked upon contraception as okay and the norm. After four children my wife had her tubes tied with my full support and consent. Much later I was slapped with the realiazation that all that we had done was horribly wrong. Further down the road my wife came to the same conclusion.

The sorrow and remorse for what we have done is difficult to convey. At one time we thought we knew better than the church. We went our own way only to discover later that we were wrong. It was only then that I finally realized the extent of my willfullness and arrogance.

Let your wife know of our experience and regrets.
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  #12  
Old Dec 19, '07, 9:41 pm
dulcissima dulcissima is offline
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Default Re: Tubal ligation question.

I had this done after the birth of my 4th child and it is the biggest regret of my life.

While insurance companies are eager to pay for sterilation, they don't pay for reversals which cost $6-7K.

Have your wife look at all the women who were so sure that they wanted that tubal ligation and did not hesitate to sign their name on that line, but now are regretting it and may even be trying to conceive:

http://forums.tubal-reversal.net/

I will be praying that your wife changes her mind....I really don't think that this is something that one can truly be sure that they want. Doing this in no way puts her in control of her future.
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  #13  
Old Dec 26, '07, 6:50 pm
TinaJ2 TinaJ2 is offline
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Unhappy Re: Tubal ligation question.

I am a 28 year old mother who had her tubes tied after my third child five years ago. Though i am very blessed to have three beautiful daughters i long to have another child. I have never regret anyting more in my life than gettin my tubes tied. There are so many more options out there that last for years without being permant, I only wish I would have known then what I know now. I hope and pray every month I will be pregnant, I know the chance is not that high but it is there, and I do not have the money to pay to have the surgery reversed. So I guess my point to all this is I strongly urge you not to make the decision to have your tubes tied without thinking twice and weighing all your options. I would hate for anyone to feel the way I feel inside right now its like something is missing from my life. Also I want to say if you do decide to have it done make sure it is your decision and not someone elses because I listened to other people and let them make my decisions for me instead of following my heart and I could not regret it more.
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  #14  
Old Dec 26, '07, 7:24 pm
rlg94086 rlg94086 is offline
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Default Re: Tubal ligation question.

Quote:
Originally Posted by tmeier45 View Post
Thank you all for your input/answers/prayers. My wife has informed me that she does not want to go through with the operation and is open to me getting her more info.

I'm not out of the tunnel yet, but am beginning to see a light in the distance. I just pray my wife and I arrive there together, at the same time.

VOCATIO, thank you for your testimony.
Hi tmeier45,

I just stumbled onto this thread, and I am so happy to see that the initial hopelessness lessened. It is a sad situation, and while neither my wife nor I have considered tubal ligation/vasectomy, we went through some difficulty in the decision to use NFP. I know the stress it can bring to a relationship. I will pray for you and your wife.
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  #15  
Old Dec 26, '07, 11:55 pm
blessedtoo blessedtoo is offline
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Default Re: Tubal ligation question.

Quote:
Originally Posted by tmeier45 View Post
Thank you all for your input/answers/prayers. My wife has informed me that she does not want to go through with the operation and is open to me getting her more info.

I'm not out of the tunnel yet, but am beginning to see a light in the distance. I just pray my wife and I arrive there together, at the same time.

VOCATIO, thank you for your testimony.
Oh my! That is encouraging! We will all continue to pray for her conversion! God bless you!
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