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  #1  
Old Feb 12, '08, 10:01 am
lstevens393 lstevens393 is offline
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Unhappy how to deal with son's girlfriend

I am a 37 yr old mom my son is 20 he has a girlfriend that is 17 will be 18 this august. i feel she is pulling our son away from use. we had a very close relationship but now things have change. I have tried to get along with her but than she starts to say mean things about us behind our backs with her family. My son seems to believe her and not us. what should i do he is going to marry her.
  #2  
Old Feb 12, '08, 12:00 pm
Feanaro's Wife Feanaro's Wife is offline
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Default Re: how to deal with son's girlfriend

Quote:
Originally Posted by lstevens393 View Post
I am a 37 yr old mom my son is 20 he has a girlfriend that is 17 will be 18 this august.

So she is the age you were when you had your son?


i feel she is pulling our son away from use. we had a very close relationship but now things have change.

All parents will have their children pull away from them. It is what we are supposed to raise them to do. But it can be very hard. But this is not the girlfriend's doing. Your son has a mind of his own and free will. She can't make him do anything. You can still have a close relationship with him...but not if you bash the girl he professes to love.

I have tried to get along with her but than she starts to say mean things about us behind our backs with her family.

How do you know what she says behind your back?

My son seems to believe her and not us. what should i do he is going to marry her.

You need to calm down first of all. IF he does decide this is the girl he wants to marry there isn't a thing you can do about it. You can offer guidance and support but that's it. Hopefully you two can sit down and have a heart to heart and figure some stuff out.

malia

  #3  
Old Feb 12, '08, 12:09 pm
bunnynessuk bunnynessuk is offline
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Default Re: how to deal with son's girlfriend

Hi!

From the viewpoint of the 'girlfriend' - she is probably not as bad as you think and it is more than likely that you are upset that your son is getting semi-serious with another woman (thus replacing you). My h2bs mother took an instant dislike to me (although im sure she will deny it) and caused nothing but problems for two years - i got called every name under the sun, i was a liar, i was stealing her baby boy, I was evil, spoiled, a sl#t etc etc - you will note that I say she caused problems for two years - well we are now engaged have been together for 5 and a bi years (since we were 16) and she no longer causes problems because I refuse point blank to step in her house and my h2b sees her every other month.

Boys/ young men like a bit of rebbelion and they fall in love easily and quickly and whilst they dont want to upset their mothers when picking a partner they dont go for someone who you will like they go for who they will like.

I no that me and my future mil will NEVER get on and I cant be bothered to try anymore I will never be good enough in HER eyes but to be honest I can list many things that she has done to her son, me and others that make me think I dont want to be! Try to remain civil to stop the problems we have had because (and this is what i tell my h2b) you only have one mom and if your lucky shes a good one so your son will want to hold on to you - but never make him choose!!

Anyhow thats just my opinion!

J
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  #4  
Old Feb 12, '08, 12:11 pm
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jmcrae jmcrae is offline
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Default Re: how to deal with son's girlfriend

Your son is now an adult. He must leave his parents and cleave to his wife. (Genesis 2:20-25) This is normal and natural.

When an adult child leaves his parents, it is an emotional rollercoaster - on the one hand, you are happy that he is a successful adult; you did your job and you did it well, since he is no longer tied to Mamma's apron strings. On the other hand, your little boy is gone forever, and you are in mourning for that little boy that you will never see again.

It is also very natural to be jealous of his girlfriend, since she is about to take your place in his heart, but this is the way of things - it is the circle of life, and without it - if he stayed yours forever - your family would come to an end and cease to exist.
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  #5  
Old Feb 12, '08, 12:19 pm
strngrnrth strngrnrth is offline
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Default Re: how to deal with son's girlfriend

What does she say behind your backs? is there any rational reason she would believe the things she says? If your son (an adult relative) is going to marry a lying backbiter, you should warn him that people like that can't be trusted and if she is his wife she will be alone with his children sometimes; he needs someone who isn't like that. If your daughter-in-law-to-be has the wrong impression of your family, explain things to her.
Then let him do what adults do: They leave their parents. Even if they don't get married.
He will never be your little child again. Adult men who pretend to be children and cling to their parents tend to be sad people.
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Ár n-athair, atá ar neamh, Go naofar d'ainm. Go tdaga do riocht.Go ndéantar do thoil ar an talamh, Mar dhéantar ar neamh. Ár n-arán lathiúl tabhair dúinn inniú, Agus maith dúinn ár bhfiacha, Mar mhaithimid dár bhfeichiúnaithe féin. Agus n'a lig sinn I gcathú, ach saor sinn ó olc. Amen.
  #6  
Old Feb 12, '08, 12:23 pm
DJgang DJgang is offline
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Default Re: how to deal with son's girlfriend

Don't shut out your son or his girlfriend. Keep the doors of communication open. And whatever you do...don't say anything about her...if she is saying bad things about you and your family, etc...you will only be stooping to her level.
  #7  
Old Feb 12, '08, 12:27 pm
lstevens393 lstevens393 is offline
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Default Re: how to deal with son's girlfriend

I am not upset that my son has left the house I am proud of him he has a good job and just got a new truck. This is what I want for him. The girl friend on the other hand witch don't get me wrong I want him to find the women that was made for him. See she in December of last year she wanted to break up with him and date a guy in school with her. But after Christmas she decided not to leave my son do to the gifts he got for her. Her family moved out of state and left her here with sisters they did not want to support her so my son started to and has for the past year and a half. My husband and I have tried to make her feel like part of the family. But she just doesn't respect us and our home. We are not able to finasily support them. They lived here on our property for almost a year but all of a sudden the rent stop and they stop buying food for them selfs. I try to ask her about the things she says about me and my husband and daughter but she lies to me my own son has told me things.
  #8  
Old Feb 12, '08, 12:34 pm
strngrnrth strngrnrth is offline
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Default Re: how to deal with son's girlfriend

Don't support her. If she isn't even married to him she shouldn't be living there. She is an adult too, if she is getting married, and if not, she ought to go home until she is old enough. Be careful supporting people who have suddenly turned for the worse, especially if they suddenly become financially dependent and lack respect for tehrs tha they once had. it could be (no new rumors intended) possibly related to alcohol or drugs. You can't always tell. Or the two of them are fighting and she is thinking of leaving. Either way, she shouldn't be living there. She has to leave. He is a man and should really be on his own as well. Men his age can earn a living almost anywhere.
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Ár n-athair, atá ar neamh, Go naofar d'ainm. Go tdaga do riocht.Go ndéantar do thoil ar an talamh, Mar dhéantar ar neamh. Ár n-arán lathiúl tabhair dúinn inniú, Agus maith dúinn ár bhfiacha, Mar mhaithimid dár bhfeichiúnaithe féin. Agus n'a lig sinn I gcathú, ach saor sinn ó olc. Amen.
  #9  
Old Feb 12, '08, 12:57 pm
JustAnotherThou JustAnotherThou is offline
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Default Re: how to deal with son's girlfriend

Quote:
Originally Posted by lstevens393 View Post
I am not upset that my son has left the house I am proud of him he has a good job and just got a new truck. This is what I want for him. The girl friend on the other hand witch don't get me wrong I want him to find the women that was made for him. See she in December of last year she wanted to break up with him and date a guy in school with her. But after Christmas she decided not to leave my son do to the gifts he got for her. Her family moved out of state and left her here with sisters they did not want to support her so my son started to and has for the past year and a half. My husband and I have tried to make her feel like part of the family. But she just doesn't respect us and our home. We are not able to finasily support them. They lived here on our property for almost a year but all of a sudden the rent stop and they stop buying food for them selfs. I try to ask her about the things she says about me and my husband and daughter but she lies to me my own son has told me things.
OK, I am going to be the harsh one here. I will say sorry now if I hurt your feelings. For a bit background, I am 36 and have a 20yo son.

1) Your son can buy a new truck and not pay rent?????? You need to talk to HIM!!!
2) I am sure it was lapse of judgment at the time, but you let her move onto your property with your son???? Can't kick her out now!! From your post I am guessing they live in a different house on your property.? Well I would say it is time to sit SON down and talk about living with a woman he is NOT married to. He can move back in your house with you and your husband and she can live in the other house. If they don't like it, they can move off your property!
3) Does your son go to Church? Is he Catholic? Does he go to Mass?

YOU need to talk to your SON, not her. She is a minor and you should have never let her move onto your property. Sorry to sound harsh about it, although we HAVE to set rules for our homes. If you don't do it NOW they will still be living on your property in 10 years with 3.5 kids and still not be paying rent.

The part of her talking bad behind your back:
1) That is gossip, don't get drug into it
2) That is a teenage girl for you, don't get drug into it
3) DO NOT get dragged into a pulling match over your adult son, you will lose. Be nice, and smile.

Sorry to sound so harsh.
  #10  
Old Feb 12, '08, 1:01 pm
JustAnotherThou JustAnotherThou is offline
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Default Re: how to deal with son's girlfriend

I just noticed that you are new here. Welcome!!! Please do not let our advice scare you away, there are GREAT people on here that are good to use as a sounding board, shoulder to cry on, etc.

I will keep you in my prayers!!!
  #11  
Old Feb 12, '08, 3:01 pm
lstevens393 lstevens393 is offline
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Default Re: how to deal with son's girlfriend

Well as for my son they moved off the property last month because my husband and I told him she could not stay here any more. Do to the disrespect on my home. He said fine and he moved as well. We told him he could stay but choose to go with here. Things were ok for a week he asked if he could come talk with us do to he want all of us to get along because he is going to married her. I said ok. Than I used his truck to go to town my car is down at this time. His sister drove. His girl friend told him that his sister drove the truck he was mad she has a license. He called me upset I said I was sorry would not happen again. Than he told me I could not use his truck anymore. Because I don't receipt his things. I told him about when he used my car with out asking and he got into a car wrack. He did not reply.
  #12  
Old Feb 12, '08, 5:12 pm
OutinChgoburbs OutinChgoburbs is offline
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Default Re: how to deal with son's girlfriend

Welcome! I also live in the older lane; in this case, about 14 years older than you.

1.) He is well over 18. If he isn't aware that 17 could get him 10-15, as in years, then there is nothing you can do at this point but pray for him.
2.) If he doesn't want his stuff touched, fine. But he should not expect to be able to use your stuff when he is in a pinch (And truly, you should have asked him first).
3.) The louder you scream or carry on or say anything about his girlfriend, the closer you push him toward marrying her. So you are correct when you say things like, "OK" and "That's nice" and other stuff along those lines.

I highly recommend as much as possible a 30-day break from your son. Unless you have business to transact with him or work at the same place, why don't you give him 30 days where you don't seek him out, esp. since he is no longer living on your property? Don't see him without your husband if possible, or a reliable witness if DH is unavailable (Not your daughter). Give him a treat of silence on the whole subject, and give yourself a break from his activities. In that time frame, try giving him the gift of unknown prayer, preferably a decade of the rosary a day? Let your husband deal with him. After 20 years, you deserve a rest from somebody old enough to take care of himself.
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  #13  
Old Feb 13, '08, 11:01 am
whatevergirl whatevergirl is offline
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Default Re: how to deal with son's girlfriend

Quote:
Originally Posted by lstevens393 View Post
Well as for my son they moved off the property last month because my husband and I told him she could not stay here any more. Do to the disrespect on my home. He said fine and he moved as well. We told him he could stay but choose to go with here. Things were ok for a week he asked if he could come talk with us do to he want all of us to get along because he is going to married her. I said ok. Than I used his truck to go to town my car is down at this time. His sister drove. His girl friend told him that his sister drove the truck he was mad she has a license. He called me upset I said I was sorry would not happen again. Than he told me I could not use his truck anymore. Because I don't receipt his things. I told him about when he used my car with out asking and he got into a car wrack. He did not reply.
Your son has an incredible lack of respect for you and your husband. I will keep you all in my prayers. Of course I don't know all of the details, but he has used you--his gf sounds very disrespectful (and frankly too young to be in a serious relationship with a 20 yr old--I would go ape crazy if my dd wanted to date a 20 yr old man while being in high school but you explained that her parents sound like they don't care much for her) It is what it is--but I would not encourage the relationship, nor discourage it. HOWEVER. I would make it very clear to your son that if he wants to bring her around--they BOTH need to respect you and your husband. You need to apologize for borrowing his truck? Yet, he lived there with his gf and stopped paying rent? I cannot tell you how to handle this, only offer advice. I would not walk on egg shells for your son, or this girl. I would be polite, but would definitely state that they are welcome to come over, but they both need to respect you and your husband. I guess my question is...why is your son treating you both like this, and willing to become so serious with clearly someone who is hurtful to his very own family?
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  #14  
Old Sep 27, '11, 3:44 am
Louisegeorgina Louisegeorgina is offline
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Default Re: how to deal with son's girlfriend

I would like to ask the question of anyone out there, what would you do if your son is 16 and dating a 15 year old girl, who turned out to be pregnant by another boy and intends to have a termination?
  #15  
Old Sep 27, '11, 4:58 am
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rayne89 rayne89 is offline
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Default Re: how to deal with son's girlfriend

Quote:
Originally Posted by Louisegeorgina View Post
I would like to ask the question of anyone out there, what would you do if your son is 16 and dating a 15 year old girl, who turned out to be pregnant by another boy and intends to have a termination?
You need to start a separate new thread on this topic. This one is 3 years old and does not address what you are asking.
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