I have a Mental Illness

[Cordelil]

Hello! I have major depression and (OCD) obsessive compulisve disorder. Eleven years ago after several hospitalizations I received a federal disability. I lived in board and care homes for the mentally ill for 7 years and have had my own apartment for 4 years.

I am a lapsed Catholic. I spend too much time alone and am at a loss on how to make friends and get a social network. Being an introvert and loner does not help my situation.

Catholic churches in large cities like I live seem to be impersonal and cold.

I do like to read and have studied apologetics and like the subject of theology. Head smart but not heart smart.

Well, that's my rant for now.

John

[BarbaraTherese]

Originally Posted by Cordelil

Hello! I have major depression and (OCD) obsessive compulisve disorder. Eleven years ago after several hospitalizations I received a federal disability. I lived in board and care homes for the mentally ill for 7 years and have had my own apartment for 4 years.

I am a lapsed Catholic. I spend too much time alone and am at a loss on how to make friends and get a social network. Being an introvert and loner does not help my situation.

Catholic churches in large cities like I live seem to be impersonal and cold.

I do like to read and have studied apologetics and like the subject of theology. Head smart but not heart smart.

Well, that's my rant for now.

John

Welcome to CAF, John! I hope that perhaps through posting into CAF it will be a stepping stone to making a social network for yourself. I dont think that introversion and being a loner is necessarily a negative matter providing it does not make oneself miserable and one does not beat oneself up because if it.

Anyway I hope through CAF you will be able to find real light in your life.

I suffer Bipolar, and a slight inclination to OCD.
Blessings and my regards - Barb

[onetimeposter]

I went through a depression 6 years ago and recovered with medication.

I have problems with anxiety and or OCD and hid it for years. I started medication about 3 months ago and it has helped immensely.

As I am getting better, I am finding that I am beginning to drift away from my faith. I'm starting to question things and am clearly coming to a cross roads.

Part of my problem was too frequent confessions, doubled with awful anxiety...I'd go to confession as many as 16 times in a two week period, some times 3 times within a half hour....it was awful.

Things are much much better now!

[Cordelil]

Originally Posted by BarbaraTherese

Welcome to CAF, John! I hope that perhaps through posting into CAF it will be a stepping stone to making a social network for yourself. I dont think that introversion and being a loner is necessarily a negative matter providing it does not make oneself miserable and one does not beat oneself up because if it.

Anyway I hope through CAF you will be able to find real light in your life.

I suffer Bipolar, and a slight inclination to OCD.
Blessings and my regards - Barb

Barb,

Thank you for your considerate response.

Yes, I have come to terms with my lonerish behavior to a degree. I was once married and that was train wreck from the beginning. I do have a wonderful daughter though.

Since I got my own place 4 years ago I have made considerable progress and it has helped my self esteem immensely.

Take care,

John

[BarbaraTherese]

Originally Posted by Cordelil

Barb,

Thank you for your considerate response.

Yes, I have come to terms with my lonerish behavior to a degree. I was once married and that was train wreck from the beginning. I do have a wonderful daughter though.

Since I got my own place 4 years ago I have made considerable progress and it has helped my self esteem immensely.

Take care,

John

Hi againJohn! ............I tend to be the loner and somewhat introverted although very much found myself here on CAF and probably because back when I first joined, CAF did not ask the face to face, though over time I have got to feel I know some CAF members quite well. Although when I first joined it was very scarey for me and it was a while before I adjusted and felt a sense of freedom of expression and some confidence. There are quite a few of us here on CAF who do suffer mental illness and it is a subject quite freely discussed as you may have noticed.

While I do have face to face contact with quite a few people, these are not what I would call quite personal relationships.......although they are relationships of real friendship. And of course having been a student now for 6 years this does ask much face to face interaction also and at times intensively so, though I remain aware of my intrinsic preference to be alone and I live alone most happily. Over the years I think it has journeyed from a fear based matter (loner and introverted) to one simply of preference.

My marraige of 15 years (annulled 20 years ago or more) was not a train wreck from the first but certainly developed into one once I fell very ill with Bipolar. My then 'husband' was a "social climber" and could not tolerate a wife with a mental illness and very ill to boot at that. After our marriage broke up, I made private vows to poverty, chastity and obedience many years ago that are now perpetual vows and under the direction of a priest who is also my Confessor. Certainly I found that my Faith and Catholicism has been my major support and even my psychiatrist acknowledges this....although it has been a very rocky road indeed in the past with many challenges and crises. I do realize, however, that all do not have this happy experience with Catholicism........although I must admit it has never been due to any welcome I received within Catholicism, other than on CAF here. CAF has been very instrumental in me loosing my sense of alienation from The Church.

I am quite friendly with my ex husband and his now wife of quite a few years and I have two adult sons, both happily working and living independantly. They are still single (42 and 44 yrs of age).
My ex husband is not Catholic and my two sons are totally disgusted with The Church and the treatment we all received from The Church when I fell ill and want nothing to do with Catholicism. Frankly, I don't blame them one bit as they were only children when it all began, although I have been able to come to terms with it all. I was very active in The Church prior to illness and they were in a Catholic boys' College - Dominican.

Although I belong not to a large city parish but a large urban one I find my parish community, who know I suffer mental illness, are not at all supportive or even friendly in any way and I have been in the same parish for 27 years. They very obviously to even any quite casual observor, I am quite confident, go out of their way to avoid me. I was literally starving to death for Catholic companionship when I was given this computer as a gift, and quite accidentally fell over CAF and have never looked back really. I found that it filled a vacuum in my life and provided sustenance for my 'starving' state of existence.

Again, I welcome you to CAF. We are a quite motley crew as we were from the first twelve.......and wherever humans gather into a community no matter mode of communication, there will be differences of opinion and differences of personality - simply the way life and humans are. Sometimes one can find that a Poster or two may have just got out on the wrong side of the bed .........most however are truly wonderful people who have managed to climb out of bed on the right side . And one tries to ensure oneself that one gets out of bed right side! ........altho now and then I find on reflecting on my day that I have indeed got out on the wrong side

I hope and pray that you time on CAF will be rewarding in every way.

Great to meecha............Barb

[Cordelil]

Barb,

Hello! I was married for 11 years and my wife divorced me mostly due to my erratic behavior and mental illness. I have been single now for 16 years.

When that occurred I was in bad shape in every department imaginable. Luckily, through the Veterans Hospital and help from my family I have been rehabilitated.

I, too, took private vows of chastity and celibacy. It wasn't difficult due to my social situation and a lack of interest in being intimate.

My wife is a Catholic and that is how I was exposed to religion since my family is not religious. I did go through baptism and confirmation and later studied Catholic apologetics. After the divorce I fell away from the church.

Previous to CAF I have participated voraciously to Yahoo Mental Health Group chatrooms. I feel it's time to move on to a website like this one.

About a month ago I read one of the pope's books "Introduction To Christianity" or a title similar to that and it awakened an interest in spirituality..

Living in Los Angeles, California has been a tumultuous time for the Catholic church. The sex, pedophilia scandal has been divestating. I don't think it's reputation and fall out from this self imposed disaster will repair itself in my lifetime. That said combined with the awkwardness I feel in a church setting I plan on returning to services and try to tough it out so I can avail myself to the graces of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Again, thank you for your reply.

John

[CarmelG]

Originally Posted by onetimeposter

I went through a depression 6 years ago and recovered with medication.

I have problems with anxiety and or OCD and hid it for years. I started medication about 3 months ago and it has helped immensely.

As I am getting better, I am finding that I am beginning to drift away from my faith. I'm starting to question things and am clearly coming to a cross roads.

Part of my problem was too frequent confessions, doubled with awful anxiety...I'd go to confession as many as 16 times in a two week period, some times 3 times within a half hour....it was awful.

Things are much much better now!

Hi, OneTimePoster --

I hope things are better for you. I know of what you speak about having trouble with the Sacrament of Reconciliation. With OCD, it is a difficult thing. I try very hard not to frequent confession too much because that is abusing the sacrament, although I feel I should go every other day or so. I don't; I set myself to go every two weeks and I trust in God's mercy the rest of the time. I set myself to not commit any mortal sins and I make a good act of contrition for the venial sins. Or at least that's the ideal. Last week I went to confession on Friday, then on Wednesday, and then on Saturday -- I was having a problem with the same venial sin. I don't advise that, but I couldn't control myself. The two week rule has been good for me. You might want to try a one-week rule. That is not unusual in the Church. You might find after a while that you may not need to go so frequently. It also helps to go to the same priest and explain that you have OCD. My confessor helps me sort out what is true sin in my life and what is merely anxiety-related OCD symptoms. It has helped a lot. Also, my medication has helped to. It mainly stops or slows down the ruminating thoughts and helps me put aside the behaviors.

I wish you the best with your depression; I hope you are through it completely. It can be terrible; I have schizoaffective disorder whichis bipolar and psychotic symptoms together. It's not much fun.

Have you every had this with you OCD? Frequently when I get anxious I concentrate on everything around me -- like little black specks everywhere I flit from one thing to the next with my eyes afraid I'm not going to see something important and all that stands out to me is black things. I hate this because I see every speck of dirt in my house and feel overwhelmed. And it is very scary when I am driving as I am afraid I'm not going to see something I'm suppose to. My doctor has never heard of it and can't figure out whether it is OCD or psychosis. It has plagued me for the past 5 years.

Keep up the good work and try not to get frustrated with the Church. Now is the time you must cling to your faith more than ever. Questioning is good and permissible, but go to a really good authority like a good and trusted priest for your answers. You can also get great answers here at CAF. Go through their database and find answers to your questions by the apologists. They have helped me on several occasions.\
Take care.
Carmel

[Cordelil]

CarmelG,

Hello! I have had OCD for years. Admittedly, the symptons have lessened over the past 7 years. I think it's due to medications and the aging process. After so many years I got tired of being sick and tired which precipitated my recovery.

I lived in board and care homes for 7 years which I did not care for. So, 4 years ago I decided to take control of my life, got an apartment, and have not looked back.

Sometimes the depression can be disconcerting but it's manageable now.

Well, I enjoyed reading your reply to the newcomer of which I am one, too.

John

[Nickkname]

Originally Posted by mslizzie

Hi everyone, sorry if this post is lengthy. I am new here and I want to let you know that I do suffer from a mental illness (Schizoaffective disorder) I was deiagnosed in 2005 after being hospitalized. I have had 2 suicide attempts in the past which I truly regret.

I am a wife and a mother to three beautiful girls.

To start of, I was not spiritual or religious in the past eventhough I was raised Catholic and received all the Sacraments.

It was only last year (July), that I found the Lord. I called on Him during the most difficult stages of my pregnancy. I almost fell into severe depression and psychosis that time and was almost hospitalized. But fortunately, with God's grace, I was able to go into full term and I had delivered a healthy baby girl.

I am currently taking medications for my illness and there are still times when I would be paranoid about certain things. It is like a roller coaster ride as far as my emotions are concerned.

Each day, I pray to God that I am hoping that He will heal me of my illness. It has not happened and I am not losing hope.

I would like to know from the other people who post here if they think that God is still with me inspite of my mental illness. I don't want to think that I am being possessed by the devil because I do have emotions.

I love my family so much and I am doing all my best to get better.

I regularly take my doctor's advice, I go to therapy and never stops taking my meds.

Is there hope that I may recover from this illness with my strong faith in Him?

Thank you all for listening!

Continue to love God and love neighbor, and you will be cured. No, not on earth - God dose not promise us happiness on earth. He promises us happiness in the next world - he promises to cure you in heaven. So don't give up hope, and remember, God's ways are so far above our ways as the heavens are above the earth. God bless!

[BarbaraTherese]

Originally Posted by Cordelil

Barb,

Hello! I was married for 11 years and my wife divorced me mostly due to my erratic behavior and mental illness. I have been single now for 16 years.

When that occurred I was in bad shape in every department imaginable. Luckily, through the Veterans Hospital and help from my family I have been rehabilitated.

I, too, took private vows of chastity and celibacy. It wasn't difficult due to my social situation and a lack of interest in being intimate.

My wife is a Catholic and that is how I was exposed to religion since my family is not religious. I did go through baptism and confirmation and later studied Catholic apologetics. After the divorce I fell away from the church.

Previous to CAF I have participated voraciously to Yahoo Mental Health Group chatrooms. I feel it's time to move on to a website like this one.

About a month ago I read one of the pope's books "Introduction To Christianity" or a title similar to that and it awakened an interest in spirituality..

Living in Los Angeles, California has been a tumultuous time for the Catholic church. The sex, pedophilia scandal has been divestating. I don't think it's reputation and fall out from this self imposed disaster will repair itself in my lifetime. That said combined with the awkwardness I feel in a church setting I plan on returning to services and try to tough it out so I can avail myself to the graces of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Again, thank you for your reply.

John

God be with you, John..........and thank you for sharing your story I hope your time here on CAF will be rewarding..............regards - Barb

[GoldenArrow]

Originally posted by mslizzie: Please bear with me. I know this sounds really crazy but believe it or not, I had felt this way. I don't like to feel that way but I just couldn't control my emotion at times.

I may sound pathetic at the moment, but can someone please assure me that I am really not in that place of everlasting punishment and that I still have a chance to enter the Kingdom of Heaven?

I apologize for the bizarre thoughts.

I've never "come out" on this forum, but I have Type II, Borderline Type-I, Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder. Surprise!

Don't feel bad for bizarre thoughts. I have them regularly, in fact, every day. Life for a bipolar is half fantasy, half reality.

Though we have separate illnesses, there are areas where Schizophrenia and Bipolar Disorder overlap, such as auditory and visual hallucinations.

For instance, I once saw a six-foot demon dressed in a black feather boa standing in my living room after being given an anti-psychotic (as an experiment). We were trying to find an alternative to Lithium. I can't take anti-psychotics apparently.

I also saw the Devil that same evening. Nice, huh? I flipped him off! ROFLOL!!!!!!!

I take Lithium and it gives me 50 to 80% control, but I still see-saw, especially after two friends of mine committed suicide this past year.

Before the suicides, I was only taking Omega-3 Fatty Acids to control the BP. (Yes, I went off the LIthium). You can control mild BP with a special formula of Omega-3's. But, what they don't tell you is that Omega-3's aren't strong enough to block an acute attack and they also don't control Type I's. The shock of my friend's suicides nearly put me over the edge.

I went back on Lithium over Christmas.

But now, after the last attack, (after the suicides) the illness has gotten worse. The mood swings now bleed through the medication. (BP is a progressive illness).

I went through a huge purgation in my spiritual life about 5 years ago. Learning to control sin has given me the mental training to control the Bipolar Disorder.

The medications take care of 50 to 80 percent. I do the rest.

For instance, right now, I'm dipping into a bad depression. I cried myself to sleep last night for no reason. I feel angry. I feel deep inner despair. Example: I presently have thoughts that no matter what I do, I'm going to Hell anyway and that Mass, Confession and all of the sacraments are probably a waste of time. God doesn't love me. No mercy exists for those borne damned.

Yes. I agree. Such thoughts are unhealthy.

I've had enough mental training to recognize that the thoughts in italics are generated by the illness (which I have named LIZARD). I can choose to embrace what Lizard tells me, or I can tell Lizard to go back into his cave (which is somewhere in my hippocampus) and crochet something large.

I choose the latter.

And yeah, once upon a time, eons ago, I poured 90 Xanax pills into my hand and stared at them, contemplating swallowing them all at once. The only thing that stopped me was my love for Jesus.

This will sound strange, but I like being Bipolar. How do you think Catholic Digital Studio (my website) got assembled so fast? I was MANIC (technically hypomanic) when writing most of the original HTML code! I actually don't recall putting the library section together. (Memory loss can occur with manias).

Lizard gives me great inspirations. He's artistic. He can write. He thinks up wild stories.He can paint. He has a near-photographic memory. During my hypomanic swings, my IQ increases by at least 20 points. If people knew the positive side of this illness, I think everyone would pray to be Bipolar.

And don't ask me why he is male. I am female.

On the same note though, I really hate the depressions. I'm just riding this one out, hoping no one notices. In fact, I got a compliment while shopping at Staples the other day. One of the store associates told me, "Oh, I didn't see you back here. You just blend right in with the surroundings. May I help you?" I thought blending in was cool.

Anyway, my Lizard is a gekko/iguana dressed in tye-dye, donned in Tom Cruise sunglasses who lives in the middle of my brain. He is the webmaster of my emotions and controls a huge switchboard. Lizard is naughty though. He gets bored and turns on sinful music (such as Def Leppard or Metallica) and dances around, toying with my emotional switchboard for his own amusement.

Lizard is a personification of my bipolar disorder. He's not actually real. Don't misunderstand.

There is no "why" with regard to Lizard. Everything he generates: the wierd thoughts, the manias and the depressions is done only because he's bored and he's trying to amuse himself.

My solution many times has been to give Lizard something to do. Catholic Digital Studio was one of Lizard's projects. Another project is my autobiography, which I'll resume writing once I'm manic again. (I'm one of the rare cases of someone being Bipolar from infancy. The book is about bipolar disorder and my conversion). I also am in the middle of two paintings. Have a huge garden. Again, I stay busy.

Being bipolar feels like having two human wills. That's probably heresy. HA!

But seriously. A Bipolar person is born with one human will and over time, with environmental triggers, the will seems to move apart from itself, until one day it is two wills. Those wills are antagonistic or synergistic or not interacting (baseline). Again, I emphasize, this is what it feels like. It is, like Lizard, a conception to help me understand myself. The reality is ... who knows? It's probably heretical.

There is even an old psychology theory that Bipolar disorder is a splitting of the ego. I'll have to read more on that though. I'm unsure.

That said, I am Lizard. Lizard and I are one. How can we be separate but one? I dunno! Am I still responsible for stuff done by Lizard. You betcha!!!

Anyway, you're not alone.

God bless you for being so brave! Hang in there.

-- Mary Ann

[Cordelil]

Hello! Mental illness took away much of my life. I have been hospitalized several times, lived in board and care homes for the mentally ill, experienced homelessness on more than one occasion, and wanted to die.

Six years ago while languishing in a less than desirable group home I made a decision to change my lifestyle. I started saving money in order to buy furniture and to rent an apartment. In 2 years I had accomplished my goal and was living in an apartment.

At the age of 56 I started to live the life God meant for me to have. For this I am grateful.

John

[tessi]

I'm dipping into a bad depression. I cried myself to sleep last night for no reason. I feel angry. I feel deep inner despair. Example: I presently have thoughts that no matter what I do, I'm going to Hell anyway and that Mass, Confession and all of the sacraments are probably a waste of time. God doesn't love me. No mercy exists for those borne damned

I feel like that many times. Is there any way to know if it's a temptation or a desease?
Does anybody know if there is any way to be cured or you just go on taking antidepresives all your life?

[GoldenArrow]

Originally Posted by Tessi: I feel like that many times. Is there any way to know if it's a temptation or a desease?
Does anybody know if there is any way to be cured or you just go on taking antidepresives all your life?

That is the conundrum.

Whenever I get strange thoughts, I break them down as being from one of 4 sources:
1. Me.
2. Lizard (Bipolar Disorder).
3. The devil.
4. The Holy Spirit.

The key is knowing yourself well enough and knowing God well enough to be able to identify the source of the strange thought.

I am never to act on category 3.
I am always to act on category 4.
It is optional to act on thoughts from category 1 or 2, depending on if I think such thoughts or inspirations are in conformity to God's Will.

Not all the thoughts and inspirations generated by Lizard (my Bipolar Disorder) are bad. After all, Lizard thought up my doctoral thesis! (It was one of those Bipolar moments where I got struck by lightning. Lizard wrote my thesis in my brain in 30 seconds. I wrote it up (over two months) and my thesis adviser approved it).

To answer your question: How do you know it's the disease or temptation? The answer is, you really have to understand your illness, understand yourself and understand God. Pray to know the difference.

But hey, I make it sound so simple, right? The truth is that it took me ten years (after my diagnosis) to be able to control some of this illness using willpower. I worked very, very hard -- not only to get control of the illness, but also to get control of the sinful addictions that fed it.

That is, actual sin is not the cause of the illness, but actual sin feeds it.

Also, you really can't start this process until your meds are stable. That's step one. Just be patient with yourself.

And to answer question two: Is there a cure for Bipolar Disorder? No. But I consider Lithium to be a gift from God. If you can't tolerate Lithium, there are antipsychotics, some antidepressants and some new drugs. There's also some naturopathic remedies and some behavior modification therapies. Good to talk to a counselor if there is a good one in your area.

God bless!

-- Mary Ann

[GODSSPOILEDONE]

Hi, I'm new! My name is Lucy, and I am from Hawaii. I apologize if someone has already posted this info, but I did not read all the pages as of yet and would like to respond in the hopes of helping some of you. I know GoldenArrow from a previous board and it was that many years ago that we were already discussing our health problems. Hi Mary ann!

So, after years of research (books, internet, message boards) I have found the answers to my illness, and I believe that my illness is more than likely what some of you are suffering from. For some strange reason, the medical community is not up-to-date with the information so they give our illness different names. BiPolar is one of them, so is OCD and mine, Chronic Fatigue and Fibromyalgia. It is the Naturalpathic Drs. who are making the most advancements in all the new and some old illnesses that so many people have these days.

Many of these illnesses are related to your thyroid or your adrenal glands. Two days after I started Armour Thyroid my fibromyalgia went away. There is so much information and so much to learn. Conventional docs use the TSH test as the basis for diagnosing thryoid but it's useless. I had to convince my doctor to give me thyroid meds even though my results were only 2 points off the range. My frees, however, were very low. Free T3 and Free T4 is what you need to look at and sometimes, your bloodtest won't even show anything but an ultrasound will show a goiter or enlarged nodule. My point is, many, many people are suffering from hypo or hyperthyroidism and not getting the help they need because of the TSH test. Bipolar is a sign of thyroid, and I was told by one doc that I had it.

The adrenals are also connected to thyroid. They are all hormones that our bodies need to function on many levels. When I tested my Cortisol, I was one number away from Addisons Disease and my endocrinologist sent me away. There aren't many docs who are knowledable regarding adrenal glands. My internist knew I needed to be on meds. So, I am feeling better than I have in years. I have hypothryoidism, Secondary Adrenal Insuffiency (different from Addisons/No ACTH secretion) and Aldosteronism (low salt and potassium). There is so much to tell and so much research, and I am still researching while I tweak my meds. I will help in any way I can. To begin, go get tested. Well, actually, go do the research first. Then, check your TSH,
Free T3's and Free T4s, your morning Cortisol, your vitamins like B-12, Vit D, Magnesium, Sodium, Potassium and whatever else the website (see below) tells you too.

Vitamins are also very, very important. Multivitamin, fish oils,
B-12, Vit D if you don't get sun and most of all, Magnesium. You can find most of your information at stopthethyroidmadness.com. (Sorry, I'm not good at links so you have to cut and paste that.)

They even have a book out now. They explain about thyroid, about using natural thyroid, the adrenals, and much more. Go and see if you have the symptoms for thyroid and/or adrenals. It hurts me that so many of you are suffering because I was there not long ago. It took me years of drs and research to get better. But, I always knew I would get better and I thank GOD from the bottom of my heart for that.

I'm not much of a typer so I'll end here. Let me know if you have any questions. Again, go research your symptoms and see if it fits. During my research, I would go to other illnesses but would always return to the symptoms of thyroid. That was my first clue. Good luck and God bless you all!