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  #1  
Old Aug 25, '08, 12:01 am
Liberanosamalo Liberanosamalo is offline
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Default I SEVERELY DISLIKE my daughter's boyfriend

Gaah! He causes nothing but strife with us. Long story short, she wasn't supposed to date till she was 16. Soon after her 15th birthday she began hanging out with him on her father's street more exclusively than before, when the whole group would gather. He turned 17 (age of consent here. ) and got a truck and before I knew it, they were in fact dating though she said they were "just friends." Soon it was all BF all the time. I am angry and feel manipulated.

Daddy never says no to her. He lets her go over to that house way too often. His parents don't care. Mom and stepdad have no rules, no religion, nothing. My daughter thinks his mother is normal since she never yells, never says anything negative and never makes her feel unwelcome there. (Maybe because she's relieved her son is doing something besides sitting in his room alone with the computer or wearing Goth or hippie clothes or whatever the obsession of the moment is.) Unfortunately now my daughter is his obsession of the moment.

She says his mother is a much better person than I am. (His mother had him when she was a teenager, had another kid by the father, married the father, divorced him and got married again and had another girl all before she was 24). So that family seems to have a very different attitude towards things than I do. He and his brother are allowed to roam around at night at 2 am. Parents don't know or care where they are. My daughter thinks that is normal parenting. She thinks I'm unreasonable because I finally had to draw a line she kept pushing because I didn't want someone else's teenage son in my all-female household at midnight every night!

He USED to be welcome at my house. But then 8 months ago they started going together. I let him know she wasn't supposed to date. That didn't deter him. I tried not to create a Romeo/Juliet drama. He repeatedly violated my house rules/curfews. My daughter's grades fell somewhat.

I have talked to him three times. Each time he did something where he was banished from the house. The last time was the final time. No more!

No, this isn't my first go-round with young love. My older daughter had a boyfriend I took a while to warm up to. But they were both mature and it was a sweet friendship that didn't go too far or result in sneaking and lying and disobedience. When they broke up before graduation, they're still friends and he still calls me to chat. He's a dear guy and I really care what happens to him.

So I don't think I'm the problem here.

I don't like pipsqueak 17 year old boys informing me that if they were me, they wouldn't be so strict with their children. And he has shown me repeatedly that he is either too stupid to follow rules, thinks rules aren't meant for him, or has no integrity at all. I told my daughter that any of these made him unworthy of her. She told me she'd decide what was worthy of her.

I did tell him that if he touches her and I find out about it, I'm calling the police because she is underage. I told him I was having to say that because her own father will never say anything like that.

She doesn't want to hear that no one I know is still with the person they thought was great at 15. She believes they are going to be together forever. She plans to marry him (outside the church) when she is 18.

I can't really talk to the mother. I don't know her that well. I've been told if I try to talk to her, I'll sound like the nut. Parents like that can't have a conversation and reach an agreement because they aren't even on the same page. My daughter tells me his mother is NORMAL. I told her maybe his mother likes her because I did a better job of raising my child to respect the rules in someone else's house, or of course if there are no rules, there is no conflict.

Daddy lets her go over there. No real supervision.

My oldest tells me the teenagers have totally flipped the roles around and the guys have turned into the girls... clingy, possessive and eager for immediate commitments, and the girls are commitmentphobes. I'm worried that my daughter is getting in way over her head. I don't know what to do so this doesn't end badly. I'm furious that these two children bring out the worst in each other. It causes nothing but arguments between us. Curfews, him coming by, it's all defiance. I can't stand him anymore because he says one thing and then does what he pleases. And he's convinced my daughter he will marry her and they will live happily ever after. He couldn't take care of a goldfish!

I didn't do this when I was a teen. My oldest didn't do this. I have NO backup with her father, because that might involve being a parent and not her best buddy. Jerk BF never goes over to his house, and I doubt he'd try the same stunts with xh because xh can be a scary man.

Anyone in this position, been there done that? Any advice? I'm watching my relationship with my daughter go down the tubes. I'm sick of being told how much better a person a parent is who doesn't parent than I am. I'm apparently the only adult in her life who is watching out for her.

She doesn't want to hear that everyone thinks their first love is perfect and endless and special. 8 months is easy. We know that. It's the rest of the 50 years that poses the problems. But she can't/won't see that there is a risk to being too involved at this stage with someone who does not make her a better person for being with him.

I can't forbid her to see him. They go to the same school and live on the same block half the time. What's the trajectory for these stupid teen romances? My oldest said her advice would be not to date in high school because there is no future to it. (Gee... just what I told her before she went ahead and got involved in a 2-year relationship that she had to hurt a sweet boy to get out of in the end.)

But Daughter 2 thinks this disrespectful boy from a family with no restrictions is a prince. I've tried to just let go and let them burn themselves out, but it's getting way too close. (Youngest daughter is friends with his little sister and has reported some things that make me angry that go on over there. I HATE parents of sons who have no rules when other people's daughters go over there!) No, I can't stop it. I've tried to talk to her useless father. But again, he won't stop her.

And daughter makes disparaging comments about religion because BF never goes, so she thinks that's not important for a life together. But he does admire the Nazis and german stuff a little too much and I heard comments out of her mouth to the extent I took my kids to the Holocaust Museum in DC to shut her up.

I see him as a clear and present danger to her. I used to like him but the more I get to know him the more I despise him and the effect he is having on my daughter.

So please... opinions. (Yes, I know, attacking him only pushes her further into his slimy arms). And yes, I pray.
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  #2  
Old Aug 25, '08, 12:29 am
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Trishie Trishie is offline
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Default Re: I SEVERELY DISLIKE my daughter's boyfriend

I can see you're very scared and that you know that no strategies, and no one else, is at hand to help in this situation. I know that you also see that your actions and words are not only failing to do good but in fact are only alienating your daughter from you and what you hold important...and that is the situation here.

The only thing I see as of any possible use for me to do is to pray. I realise you'll get wise advice from experienced and kind parents....things which you have already considered.

I'll pray for your daughter, and also for your peace and hope, as you are finding all this is tearing you up. A priest once wrote to me, "free-will is a two edged sword pointing directly at the heart of God." I add, "and of parents".

There is no easy answer and maybe not even any effective answer.

There is a promise from God, probably one that takes time to fulfil...in the meantime you're scared to death about your daughter, I know. God comfort you, and keep your girls, in the end, safe.
“Stop your crying and wipe away your tears. All that you have done for your children will not go unrewarded; they will return from the enemy’s land. There is hope for your future; your children will come back home. I, the Lord, have spoken.” [Jeremiah 31:16-17]
__________________
JESUS who died once for all persons
who gives Yourself wholly in Communion to billions throughout time
please pray in me for every person
as if each person is the only loved one.
JESUS please welcome each person with love, healing, and great joy!
Thank You JESUS


Mother Mary at the wedding feast of Cana (John 2:1-12)
though JESUS protested it was not yet time for miracles
you successfully interceded with Him for a family's temporal need
please now intercede with your divine Son
for each person's temporal and spiritual needs.
Thank you Mother


JESUS please grant our prayer for this person


Catechism of the Catholic Church http://www.vatican.va/archive/ENG0015/_INDEX.HTM
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  #3  
Old Aug 25, '08, 12:39 am
Liberanosamalo Liberanosamalo is offline
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Default Re: I SEVERELY DISLIKE my daughter's boyfriend

Trishie, your words are beautiful and make me cry. You can't imagine what I have given up for these children and what I have gone through to set a good example for them. I don't even date myself so that I won't accidentally bring anyone into their lives who might harm them. I've been alone for ten years, and quite alone long before that. So it seems ironic that I'm going through this. Nothing in my behavior ever led them to believe that treating some teenage boy like he's the Forever Husband is a smart or right thing to do. I don't want to speculate on if she has been stupid enough to sleep with him. The thought makes me sick. I'd never get an honest answer. I don't want to judge her, or make her think "If I have the name, I might as well have the game." I have been told I am putting my head in the sand by people. But I don't want to assume the worst and really make her mad if she is innocent. Having been accused of things I never did, I know that is maddening.

I've spent a whole lifetime talking about morality, foolish choices, stories about other people who chose badly... I don't know how much has sunk in, and I don't want her to have to learn the hard way. Because nobody ever wants my advice until it's time to clean up the mess. Then they demand I fix it.
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  #4  
Old Aug 25, '08, 12:39 am
aggiecatholic05 aggiecatholic05 is offline
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Default Re: I SEVERELY DISLIKE my daughter's boyfriend

i'm sorry but the story sounds very one sided and biased. honestly im not sure where you found the time to type it what whith all the preaching against his family. personally i think youre overreacting.

this comes from the guy who was the boyfriend mom hated. largely because of her preconcieved notions about my background/upbringing, friends, and whatnot. and with all due respect if they love each other(and it is possible at that age, not likely but possible) you wont stop them. you will tick them off and alienate yourself from them.

maybe that doesnt seem so bad why enouurage it? well what if they get married? have kids? do you really want to be doing this now. how would you like to be banned from the home of someone you love, like your future grandkids?

and i admit my own experiences are highly reflected in my reply. my MIL hated me, might still(see other posts). but a couple years of marriage a kid and soon doctor is what i have done. its amazing how people can suprise you. wheter its the teen you dont like or the farm boy who isnt sophistacated enough. and while i have done my best to move one i can assure you that all it will take is one negative word about me in front of one of my kids and she is done in our lives.

i will pray that never happens to her, or you.
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  #5  
Old Aug 25, '08, 1:24 am
Liberanosamalo Liberanosamalo is offline
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Default Re: I SEVERELY DISLIKE my daughter's boyfriend

Quote:
i'm sorry but the story sounds very one sided and biased. honestly im not sure where you found the time to type it what whith all the preaching against his family. personally i think youre overreacting."
Okay, I'll try to take this in a good way. By the way, I type 75 wpm. I was a professional typist. You obviously don't have a 15-year-old daughter. Or you wouldn't say I was overreacting.

Just for fun, let's give BF side of the story:

My GF mom hates me. Gosh, what's a guy to do! She used to let me in her house all the time. But ever since I started dating her daughter and keeping her from her homework, and texting her all the time and talking for hours on the phone when we weren't sitting on the front step together, she gives me the hairy eyeball. And when my GF was told she couldn't have me over one day and she brought me in anyway and I sat there and saw her mom was mad and didn't leave, and had to be asked to leave, gosh, how mean! Who is that woman to punish her daughter for calling her mother a rude ***** just because her mother had to clean her room and she was mad mommy threw away notebooks from 7th grade. But I digress.

And every time I came over and was told to leave at 9:30 on school nights and her mother had to come down and tell me at 9:45 that I was supposed to leave, what nerve! Couldn't she see we didn't know what time it was even though the digital clock over the tv said 9 4 and 5? And when I'd take GF out in my truck and not come back by curfew, how dare she be annoyed! I mean, GF is MINE now! I'm going to take care of her the rest of her life and she will have my babies and I'll pay for them if I ever get a job. Because I'm going to be a senior in high school. That's like being an adult. But I didn't go to my junior prom, and my GF wanted to go, but she convinced herself she didn't want to anyway when I didn't want to go. She does that a lot now. See how much she loves me!

And then that silly restriction her mom said about us being on the sofa and how we had to keep all four feet on the floor. That horrible mother seems annoyed that when she came downstairs repeatedly into the kitchen, one time I was lying on top of her daughter in her own house! Well, two times. Each time she warned me. Who is she to tell me I can't lie on top of her daughter! Who is she to tell me to leave! After the second time she won't let me back in! Witch!

And when GF comes over to my house, it's nobody's business if we defy her family's restrictions about being alone in my bedroom. It's MY bedroom. We can close the door and climb under the covers together and lie together or whatever. Or so little birds tell her. It's none of their business. And no matter how many times her mother tried to talk to me and treat me like an adult, I just told her when I was with her daughter I had no self control and I needed to be yelled at every few weeks. She told me that wasn't her job because she wasn't my parent. So the nerve of her to lose patience with me. I can do whatever I want with my GF.

Gosh, her mother doesn't like me. I know I am causing problems between them, but that lets me see how much my GF loves me, that she will choose me over the mother who raised her. And how dare she threaten to call the police on me. If I want to have sex with an underage girl, it's my business! And even though I complain about the comments at school when my peers see my hot young mom, I wouldn't mind putting this girl I love so much in the same circumstances where she is the mother of two and married and divorced by the time she is 21 and has to get a degree years later. Who is to quibble with that? It was good enough for my mom! Unreasonable witch! When we have kids she'll never see them!

I love my GF. So much I even call her by the nickname I called my first girlfriend. I know I told her I loved her too. But this time it's for real! And so what if I have shut my brother out and he complains to GF sister about how we mock him when he's in the truck with us. That's how I deal with people. GF is a great new tool to use to avoid my family. Better than the Goth fixation!


Okay? Sorry to be sarcastic, but eight months of this arrogance... would you want your daughter to be involved with someone who didn't respect your rightful authority over a minor child? At this age, the other side of the story really doesn't matter. They're not in any position to responsibly date or marry. So they shouldn't be so exclusive.

Quote:
this comes from the guy who was the boyfriend mom hated. largely because of her preconcieved notions about my background/upbringing, friends, and whatnot. and with all due respect if they love each other(and it is possible at that age, not likely but possible) you wont stop them. you will tick them off and alienate yourself from them.
Umm... older daughter's BF came from a much worse setup and he even got to the point he was sending me mother's day cards. I know love is possible at that age. But so is obedience and respect?

Quote:
maybe that doesnt seem so bad why enouurage it? well what if they get married? have kids? do you really want to be doing this now. how would you like to be banned from the home of someone you love, like your future grandkids?
I have asked him out of respect for my daughter's reputation to behave differently. If he can't see later on that I was right, and is petty enough to ban me from his wife's life, then he will live down to my present opinion of him.

Quote:
and i admit my own experiences are highly reflected in my reply. my MIL hated me, might still(see other posts). but a couple years of marriage a kid and soon doctor is what i have done. its amazing how people can suprise you. wheter its the teen you dont like or the farm boy who isnt sophistacated enough. and while i have done my best to move one i can assure you that all it will take is one negative word about me in front of one of my kids and she is done in our lives.
If your MIL's attitude came from your flagrant disregard of her rules concerning an underage child and your refusal to act with self control, then there isn't much discussion here if you defend that behavior. You have a degree and all that. It's not about being sophisticated. My dad was a farm boy. It's about integrity. And this boy shows none. I don't want my daughter to be used.

Quote:
i will pray that never happens to her, or you.

Well, thanks for that. So do I. Because that would indicate he was very controlling and he already sounds way too similar to my daughter's own father in his behavior. By the way, Aggies rock. Gig 'em.
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  #6  
Old Aug 25, '08, 1:32 am
KCtheMommy KCtheMommy is offline
 
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Default Re: I SEVERELY DISLIKE my daughter's boyfriend

WOW. Just WOW.

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  #7  
Old Aug 25, '08, 1:50 am
aggiecatholic05 aggiecatholic05 is offline
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Default Re: I SEVERELY DISLIKE my daughter's boyfriend

i'd quote and go step by step but there was an awful lot there so im just going off one readings memory and paraphrasing so bare with me.

first and formost WHOOP! yes, yes we do rock and thank you.

by the way im sure much of this will be out of the order you posted it so once again, bare with me.

as to your idea of his side, well i dont know. you didnt give one and i do like to hear both. odds are hes a creep and your right, but if this information of goings on at his house is coming from a little brother well id take them with a grain of salt.

oh and for the record shes not 15(cant say i look forward to those days as opposed to now) but i have a daughter.

breaking your rules in yor house honestly i dont care boyfriend, friendfriend or stranger id have done more than you did.

to the issue of my MIL i met my wife when we were in college and her reputation was as good the day we got married as the day we met. her problem was preconcieved class notitions.

to the boys mom finishing a degree later on or the idea that your daughter migh(wasnt real sure where that one was going) lots of people do. i drove my dad(cause i had just bought my first car) to his college graduation. standard timeframes arent what matters its more about what you do than when.

my info on me was just to show that your ideas about people can and will change over time, not that you may be wrong about him now. but that you probably dont have a crystal ball so who know whats down the road.

prom? not everybody goes to prom. maybe he listens to dave ramsey(he doesnt i know) and knows that going into hock for a dance is a bad idea.

as a parent a child and a sibling i have to hope you dont use one of your arguments in front of your daughter....'well her older sister' so what about her older sister? they are two seperate people. sure they may have had the same upbringing but they arent the same. forcing that issue wont work and it could damage their relationship. not that id think youd do it intentionally, but itd be a shame.

and as to the banning you from their lives theoretically. just say they did get married and had kids and he tried his best to put all this bad blood aside for families sake. if you wouldnt do the same and continued to run him down would you blame him for reacting the exact same way you have. if so he wouldnt be living down to your ideas, rather youd be slummy way past where you think he is.


still all in all its good that youre concerned, but how about a little prayer and faith. faith will move mountains much faster than yelling at them will.
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  #8  
Old Aug 25, '08, 1:55 am
Nino Nino is offline
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Default Re: I SEVERELY DISLIKE my daughter's boyfriend

Hello,As a daddy of seven I know how you feel..first being a parent in this day and age is the most difficult job in the world..we have the entire media,movies,teevee,books ,mags,hollyweird ,textbooks all against us so we are up to here with enemies. By fighting the way you do you need nave no fear of having to say..gee if I had only spoken up more..no way,good for you!!!!Write down each time you have a 'chat' with each of them..this will be your diary,your record of what you went thru and also proof you really love her...The diary of Mom.....remember you have a life also...these kids like it when you whin to them that you are losing sleep over the problem etc etc..jog,go out to dinner,leave her room a mess and cold shoulder her once in a while..start to 'forget'things about her so that she wont be so sure you have nothing else on your mind..etc etc...this is a war and you must be a good soldier...takes immense self-discipline ..go for it...
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  #9  
Old Aug 25, '08, 2:04 am
Liberanosamalo Liberanosamalo is offline
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Default Re: I SEVERELY DISLIKE my daughter's boyfriend

Aggie, I want my daughters to get college degrees before they marry. So if they end up dumped by a husband like I was, they will be able to fend for themselves. If this boy insists on staying in her life and doesn't change his approach, no, I'll never like him. I'm just at a loss as to what to do. It's hard to have faith in the goodwill of others when I have been slammed before.

As for the prom, here the girls go in groups even if they don't have dates. My daughter had a dress and a sister going in the group, and juniors and seniors have one prom. She could have gone, but because BF didn't want to, she decided not to. I don't want her at this age to be changing her life and views to fit his views. Later she will regret the things she didn't do in order to please him.

If they got married and had kids, he might finally see that I was not unreasonable, if he is any kind of father. And he'd apologize, and I'd accept it.

But I don't see them as making each other better people. I don't compare children, because that wasn't how I was raised. They're all individuals. But I'm trying to hold her to Christ's standards of behavior. And now she is refusing to go to CCD class. She was confirmed last May. I know the real reason. Not just that she finds it boring, but any time there with other kids is time away from BF. Everything revolves around BF. If we have family plans and he comes walking up to the door, we have a conundrum. Either we stop what we were going to do and let her control the whole family, or we tell him to go away and then she pouts and ruins the day. Yes, daddy spoiled her rotten.

There is no good solution. A smart boy would do whatever it took to spend as much time as possible with her. This one ticked me off repeatedly since December and now he can't come in my house.

And her grades suffer because of this. What kind of person plans to marry a girl and talks her out of her idea of a dream wedding so they can run off and marry as soon as she is 18 outside of her religion with no family present? (Well, her father would attend like a moron. Then again, marriage means little to him. He's been engaged at least 5 times.)

So then she thinks daddy is wonderful and loving. When that isn't really love.

This is a boy whose own family sets no boundaries with him. And my daughter thinks that's good parenting and hates me.

I really don't want to wait till she's 29 and a single mother and heartbroken to hear that she understands what I was doing.
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Old Aug 25, '08, 2:11 am
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Danuska Danuska is offline
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Default Re: I SEVERELY DISLIKE my daughter's boyfriend

Trishie has already given you some wise advice, which means that there is no easy solution...

I think that the harder you try to push the two apart, the more they will cling to each other, seeing you as their common 'enemy''. you are actually pushing them towards each other. which does not mean that you should just accept the boy and all he does. the thing is that your daughter grew up without her father for most of her life, if i recall correctly - that means that she will look for love and protection in males, and she is more likely to get involved in not too good relationships, simply, she lacks a good male role model.

So i would add to what Trishie said, pray not only for your daughter, but also for that boy, and try to understand him a bit - i do not believe that he does not have any issues with his own family. hopefully, with time your daughter will begin to see him in the true light (if he is really like you say he is) and they will part, but for now, you are really creating a Romeo/Juliet situation...

And I also get a sense that there is too much control from your part - although I agree, there have to be rules, and they need to be followed, your daughter is not an adult yet, and as long as she lives in your house and is supported by you, she should follow your rules. but maybe try a little bit of less control, and more of duties at home?
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Old Aug 25, '08, 2:26 am
Liberanosamalo Liberanosamalo is offline
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Default Re: I SEVERELY DISLIKE my daughter's boyfriend

Nino, I notice when I give her the cold shoulder she tries to make up with me. I'm not usually combative like that. I like there to be peace. When I try to assert boundaries she accuses me of starting a fight. So if I want her "fake peace" I have to let her have her way. I didn't let them get away with tantrums when they were two. But now they think they are adults.

I think it makes sense not to be available for them. I'm too dependable. I can't depend on anyone, but boy they always rely on me to do the right thing. It makes me mad.

You are right. This IS war. And I've been at war for years with their father. I'm really tired.

Danuska, I've really tried NOT to create a Romeo and Juliet thing with them. I thought this would wind down and they'd get bored with each other. My oldest says that them being together all the time is good and bad because the more they're with each other the sooner they'll get sick of each other. Hopefully. But the more they're with each other, the more time to fall into sin.

I've tried to understand the boy. I've tried to talk to him with respect and tell him WHY I have the rules I do. But he does not respect rules. When I found them on the sofa in my house, I asked him if he'd ever try to pull that little stunt in her father's house? Was he playing me for a fool? He said no, he wouldn't have tried that in her father's house. I asked him if her father walked in on that little scene, how would it have gone? He said, Not very well.

But they think they can get away with it in my house? Daddy has a dim view of guys because of his own behavior. Yet it's perplexing that he has let my daughter spend too much time alone with this boy.

Her father is involved daily in her life, but to the extent he is Mr. Popular and left the chores, diapers, dirty work, discipline to me, all the while undercutting my authority. It's a long sordid story that involves a lot of guilt on his part because his own negligence led to serious injury to this child. So he lets her get away with murder. And now if you give her an inch, she takes two miles.

Which accounts for why I appear to be a control freak with her. Because I have found over the years that anything less ends up with her doing whatever she wants.

Duties at home? I can barely get her to make her bed. Screaming? Asking nicely? Ordering? No good. She goes over to daddy's house where he doesn't make her do anything. Computer restriction? She goes to daddy's house and uses it during her visitation. He bought her the cell phone. He pays for it. So I can't take it away. I try to discipline her and he hugs her and turns it into a US against Mommy routine.

Control? I really wish I had some in this situation! And to make matters worse, daddy lives with his aged mother who has all the responsibility in that house, but no authority. So when daddy is out partying on his night with the kids, and grandma calls at 11:30 on a school night for daughter to come home from BF house, daughter says she doesn't have to. BF doesn't send her home. Grandma hates BF too. Grandma is a lot of the problem because if she wasn't there, daddy couldn't be partying.

No matter what I do, I can't win. She told me I don't know anything. Ummm. I was married and had three children. I know one thing leads to another! And I know how quickly.
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Old Aug 25, '08, 5:47 am
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Default Re: I SEVERELY DISLIKE my daughter's boyfriend

Oh my, your situation really looks hard, can't you talk to someone, some therapist, maybe there is someone at the Church who would help you? Because it is really many issues. and as for your daughter, it starts with parents, It is pretty bad for a child when the parents do not speak in one voice, and I see that you do not get any help from your husband, but maybe you could get him to see a therapist with you? He sounds totally irresponsible, maybe someone should open his eyes?

Btw, cant you talk to the boy's parents?

Anyways, someone once at my prayer group recommended St Monica's (mother of St Augustine) prayer - to pray the sorrowful mysteries of the rosary for the whole year - but that is on spiritual level. It seems like you need human support too.
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  #13  
Old Aug 25, '08, 6:56 am
Em_in_FL Em_in_FL is offline
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Default Re: I SEVERELY DISLIKE my daughter's boyfriend

Okay... I don't have teenagers yet... so forgive my lack of direct experience...

First, take the boyfriend out of the picture... deal with your daughter first. You keep mentioning that you dislike HIM and HIS PARENTS, when really you dislike the choices your daughter is making in choosing to spend time with him, right?

You obviously LOVE your daughter... but do you HAVE TO love the choices she's making? She is a unique person... with personal likes and dislikes...

How do you know that SHE wasn't the one who didn't want to go to the prom, vs "just following HIS lead"?
How do you know that she isn't struggling with her faith, vs her lack of interest in CCD is "just because she isn't with her BF"?
How do you know she isn't struggling academically vs just "letting her grades fall behind"?

Do you KNOW for CERTAIN that your views on these things are correct? Maybe she's really having some personal struggles. You COULD be pushing her away when she NEEDS you most! This BF may not be the best one for her to turn to, but at this point it sounds like he may be the only one listening to her. And deep down she may realize he isn't *ideal* for her, but when he's the only one who will listen who else could she share things with?

It's time to mend things with your daughter. Take the BF out of the picture and take him out of all discussions. Don't blame her decisions on him. They're HER decisions and maybe she has a reason for them... and maybe she really needs someone to LISTEN to her rather than beat down the questions she could be truly struggling with.

I read a parenting book called "Parent Effectiveness Training" by Dr. Thomas Gordon that I think may be very useful in your situation... may be worth picking up a copy.

Many prayers for you and your family.
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~Emily
Happy wife and mom to 2 boys and 2 girls!

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  #14  
Old Aug 25, '08, 9:24 am
Liberanosamalo Liberanosamalo is offline
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Default Re: I SEVERELY DISLIKE my daughter's boyfriend

Quote:
How do you know that SHE wasn't the one who didn't want to go to the prom, vs "just following HIS lead"?
How do you know that she isn't struggling with her faith, vs her lack of interest in CCD is "just because she isn't with her BF"?
How do you know she isn't struggling academically vs just "letting her grades fall behind"?
Danuska, thank you for your comments. xh was an abusive man. I can't even get him to agree on anything and back me up on anything. It's been years of him undermining me. No, he won't go to a counselor. And neither will my daughter. (She has told me so.) I told xh some of the things that were going on, hoping to scare him into taking some paternal action. He instead wanted to get into an academic debate about the fact that a 17 year old doing anything with a 15 year old isn't that serious because they're so close in age. I have about 3 minutes to tell him about anything medical, social, school-related or moral before he ends a conversation with me. Some of the posters on this forum have heard the horror stories about him. He's not a help. Which is part of daughter's problem.

Em....
As for the prom... .she was gung ho, wanting to shop for a dress, until he didn't want to go. Then she didn't want to go. Then he might go, so she wanted to go again. Then he decided not to go and all of a sudden she didn't want to go again. I've watched this happen and it is really annoying to see her tailor everything to him.

Yes, she was struggling with her faith. And it all went downhill and got worse when she started going with him. And any activity we do that keeps her from him or takes away time with him makes her furious. That has happened over at her father's also.

And struggling academically... well, we can go online and see all the grades here. And I can tell that at her father's house, he doesn't make her come in and do homework. The day after her time there, NO homework is done. She has missing assignments and poorly done ones. When she does the work, she gets 90s and 100s. She has a photographic memory. But when she is around BF she doesn't even open the book and her grades went downhill once she started going with him. She isn't struggling. She isn't even trying. Then at the last minute she runs to play catchup and gets lower marks for being late, or teachers refuse to take late assignments so she has zeros to pull her grades down.

No, I NEVER had to check the online grades with my other two daughters. The oldest took so many AP courses and got a 5.2 GPA and has 39 credits for college going into the door. The last kid has all As. This one used to. She just sees anything that prevents her from hanging with him as not worthwhile.

I even tried to suggest they do homework at the kitchen table. But they'd goof off and get nothing done. So that ended.

Yes, I am angry at her choice. I used to think he was a good choice because he doesn't drink or do drugs. But he is a problem in other areas.

He doesn't bring out the best in her.

I try to listen to her. But this kid never talked much. NEVER. But she'll talk to him. She'd talk to me if I only told her what she wanted to hear. But I'm not going to contribute to her fantasy by taking her shopping for wedding dresses and acting like this boy is a good choice.

Her choice in female friends was horrendous. I used to be happy she was hanging around BF because he seemed more stable than her female friends. But he causes his own set of problems.

I dislike his parents because in this day and age, I think it's irresponsible for parents to give their son approval to have someone else's underage daughter in his bedroom for hours with the door closed. I think it's irresponsible for them to let him roam free, leaving ME as the one who has to slam the door in HIS face or kick him out at all hours. My older daughter's BF had a curfew, so he couldn't be around 24/7. It made it easier and took all the onus off me.

My youngest tells me the daughter there was saying they were making comments that it wasn't any of our business what went on in that house. Well, it will be my business if my daughter gets pregnant. I'm NOT going to raise a grandkid and watch my daughter's future go down the tubes. And I fear that's where this is headed. And I feel like I'm the only one in the room seeing it's on fire and I'm trying to tell everyone there is a problem and they're all staring at me as if I'm the problem.

She is absolutely sure this is the magical one instance where the first boy to ever tell her he loves her is Mr. Right for the rest of her life. Yeah, we've all been teenage girls. I don't want her to act on that movie she's playing in her head. How many of you are still with the guy you thought was super when you were 16?

Em, I really try to avoid talking about him at all. But she sticks him into everything. For a while she would bring him into the house and he would be sitting there as I'd walk into the room not knowing he was in the house, watching everything, all the drama that goes on in a house with three teenage females. Her sisters began to resent his omnipresence. Last night the fight started because at 9:45 she announced he was coming over and they were going out for ice cream. Well, that used to be her sister's curfew for coming HOME! She never asks. She tells me what they're going to do, and I can either say Okay, dear and have peace, or say Ummm. no you're not. And then it's war.

He is at the center of just about every fight we've had in the last 8 months.

Again, it's a situation of no one wants to hear what I have to say. But I'll be the one everyone expects to fix it when the problems start.
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Old Aug 25, '08, 9:58 am
Feanaro's Wife Feanaro's Wife is offline
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Default Re: I SEVERELY DISLIKE my daughter's boyfriend

Quote:
Originally Posted by Em_in_FL View Post
I read a parenting book called "Parent Effectiveness Training" by Dr. Thomas Gordon that I think may be very useful in your situation... may be worth picking up a copy.

Many prayers for you and your family.

Hey Em, someone here suggested that book to me (maybe it was you) so I borrowed it from the library.... turns out I forgot about it and ended up reading through a few chapters in a mad rush the night before it was due back, lol, but it makes a whole lot of sense! I mean, why pay for some stranger to listen to your kids and help them solve their own problems when you can learn to do it for free?

Liberanosamalo, just from reading your posts I would agree that your daughter is not being heard. You are missing the underlying issue. I think this book could be a great help to you figuring out exactly what is going on in the relationship between you and your daughter..... it really has NOTHING to do with the boyfriend. He is a symptom of a deeper problem, not the problem.
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