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  #1  
Old Sep 25, '08, 4:22 am
luth0110 luth0110 is offline
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Default My daughter is a bully!

I have been getting a few complaints from other parents at school lately. The first time it happened I had a little talk with dd and she acted like the other person was blowing things out of proportion. Then a few days later another parent approached me....NOW the teacher has come to me. My dd is 6 what do I so, what do I say to her to make her understand what she is doing is hurting others??

Oh, before you ask. She isn't hitting or punching worse yet she is using words to get her way. For example, If you don't sit by me I won't ever be your friend again.

HELP!!!!!

What should the punishment be for this type of behavior??????????

Last edited by luth0110; Sep 25, '08 at 4:24 am. Reason: Forgot something!!
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  #2  
Old Sep 25, '08, 4:33 am
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FightingFat FightingFat is offline
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Default Re: My daughter is a bully!

This goes on an awful lot in my experience, especially with little girls, so I wouldn't beat myself up about it too badly. It does need to be addressed however. All I can think is to sit down and give her a serious talking to about how this hurts other people's feelings and how she wouldn't like other people to hurt her feelings that way. I would make it very stern and see if you can get her to apologise to the kids involved. If she understands that it is painful for others and ultimately you'll be furious, she may well avoid similar behaviour in the future!

Good luck & God bless!
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  #3  
Old Sep 25, '08, 6:30 am
Brenda V. Brenda V. is offline
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Default Re: My daughter is a bully!

If this is all she is doing:

Quote:
Oh, before you ask. She isn't hitting or punching worse yet she is using words to get her way. For example, If you don't sit by me I won't ever be your friend again.
this is not bullying. Sheesh, there we go labeling typical yet not acceptable behavior worse than it is. Ask her why she says these things, maybe she is trying the wrong way to get a friend or be friends. Talk to the teacher and see if you can find out from her the situation surrounding why she does this.

Could be that your daughter is just socially behind (not to worry, so was I and yet academically I was close to genius). This is just a matter of maturity for her and guidance from you and her teacher to move her from this behavior to acceptable behavior.

Yes, talk to her about how it hurts when someone says such things, the part "I will never be your friend again". Also, tell her that she most likely doesn't mean it and if she is hurt because the others won't sit with her then perhaps she needs to talk to the teacher about it - "Teacher, why won't Suzy sit by me?" Give her tools to be around other people, teach her to smile at others no matter what, if little Suzy won't sit with her then tell her to just smile at her (trust me, I was the child no one wanted to sit next to at times yet here I am all growed up and as stable as the next person.)

Hope this helps you.

Brenda V.
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  #4  
Old Sep 25, '08, 6:34 am
mommamia mommamia is offline
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Default Re: My daughter is a bully!

Quote:
Originally Posted by luth0110 View Post
I have been getting a few complaints from other parents at school lately. The first time it happened I had a little talk with dd and she acted like the other person was blowing things out of proportion. Then a few days later another parent approached me....NOW the teacher has come to me. My dd is 6 what do I so, what do I say to her to make her understand what she is doing is hurting others??

Oh, before you ask. She isn't hitting or punching worse yet she is using words to get her way. For example, If you don't sit by me I won't ever be your friend again.

HELP!!!!!

What should the punishment be for this type of behavior??????????
Hmm, I am not sure that punishment is the right answer. Maybe at first at least trying to talk with her not only about how bad this makes others feel, but the fact that people do not really like bullies. It may seem like they have friends, but what good is a friend who is only there because you threatened. This may not be the case of your dd, but usually bullying stems from lack of self esteem. Does she feel if she doesn't keep the "upper hand" she won't have any friends? Is she afraid they may find someone else they want to befriend and won't like her anymore? Or maybe she is just one of those who likes to have things done her way.

I would definantly address this issue. I see too much of this going on between the girls in my own dd's class (there are only7 girls in her classs of 16). It breaks my heart when she comes home and tells me that girlA isn't going to be her friend anymore because she sat next to friendB at lunch. I know it really hurts her, of course she is quite sensitive. But the teachers and the principal have been trying to work this little problem out in her class since K. And honestly the other parents don't look very kindly on that girl or her parents. I have heard some very uncharitable things said.

Maybe try some role playing with her. And of course talk to her about how Jesus would treat others. Remind her that eventually no one will choose to play with her. I think that having her apologize could be a good way to start.

If I did decide to punish her in any way, I would take away some choices. Since that is basically what she is doing to the other girls.
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  #5  
Old Sep 25, '08, 6:53 am
gelsbern gelsbern is offline
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Default Re: My daughter is a bully!

Also be very careful, just because multiple parents have approached you still doesn't mean it's true. Kids understand the power of the rumor, and know how to use it.
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  #6  
Old Sep 25, '08, 7:07 am
jrabs jrabs is offline
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Default Re: My daughter is a bully!

It's a form of manipulation. Don't ignore it.....and yes, it is a form of bullying at that age.
Bullying comes is several forms - not just pinching and fighting. Just as abuse can take on different forms - so can bullying.

I applaud you for wanting to get a grip and understand what is going on. You are being an advocate for your daughter in trying to figure out ways to help her cope without being manipulative.

What a great parent you are for wanting to at least understand the situation and ways to address it.

Have another chat with the teacher on ways that maybe she can pair your daughter with some girls at lunch or have a special buddy for the day. The teacher should have some ideas on how to curb the behavior in the classroom.
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  #7  
Old Sep 25, '08, 7:15 am
Shiann Shiann is offline
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Default Re: My daughter is a bully!

I agree with jrabs.

And sue me, but I'd pick a time when she'd least expect it and act the same way to HER. Or ask an adult friend of the family or an uncle/aunt to do it.

Talking about how it makes others feel to her is prolly going right over the top of her head. Obviously she can see from their faces that she's hurting their feelings.

A little quid pro quo never hurt.
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  #8  
Old Sep 25, '08, 9:10 am
duskyjewel duskyjewel is offline
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Default Re: My daughter is a bully!

Explain to her what the natural consequences of her nasty behavior will be, in that no one will like her because she is being so mean, and then let her live through them! When the teacher and other parents approach you, tell them that you are sorry for the hurt feelings, and you wish it wasn't happening. Then explain to them that you talked to her, and have determined that the best way for her to learn the lesson she needs to learn is to finally be so awful to so many people that she is isolated and has no friends. That you think eventually the message will sink in, and that their kids are free and even should be encouraged to ignore her and avoid her.

I had to do this with my kindergartener this year, who thought she needed to boss people around and get right up in their faces to do it. (Think of the Seinfeld "close talker.") She was also being a tattle tale. I told her that no one was going to like her if she kept it up. I have been reminding her once a week of what she needs to work on, but no more than that. She has to take responsibility for behaving appropriately on her own.

Good news, she has greatly improved! It took a couple of weeks for her to really get on board and start reminding herself, but she did it, and there have been no more negative incidents at school nor any more calls from the teacher.

So maybe consider that tactic.... natural consequences can be really powerful. If this doesn't work, you may have to look for deeper emotional problems.
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  #9  
Old Sep 25, '08, 9:19 am
jrabs jrabs is offline
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Default Re: My daughter is a bully!

Quote:
Originally Posted by duskyjewel View Post
I had to do this with my kindergartener this year, who thought she needed to boss people around and get right up in their faces to do it. (Think of the Seinfeld "close talker.") She was also being a tattle tale. I told her that no one was going to like her if she kept it up. I have been reminding her once a week of what she needs to work on, but no more than that. She has to take responsibility for behaving appropriately on her own.

Good news, she has greatly improved! It took a couple of weeks for her to really get on board and start reminding herself, but she did it, and there have been no more negative incidents at school nor any more calls from the teacher.

So maybe consider that tactic.... natural consequences can be really powerful. If this doesn't work, you may have to look for deeper emotional problems.
Wow - good job MOM!!!! I am proud of you too for embracing a potential issue.

I also have a bit of a bully in my teen son. We do a disservice to our children when we look the other way, think it's every one else's kid, and gloss over thinking some behavior should just be tolerated by others.

After that, we can focus on the wonderful children they are.
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  #10  
Old Sep 25, '08, 9:27 am
duskyjewel duskyjewel is offline
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Default Re: My daughter is a bully!

Thanks, jrabs.

Funny thing, the whole thing started because I thought *she* was being bullied! She was getting poked with pencils, her hair pulled, her stuff taken..... I wondered why the other kids kept reacting to her that way. So I wrote a note to the teacher asking if she was doing things that upset the other kids. I love her to death, but she can be teeth-grinding annoying when she wants to be. The teacher confirmed my suspicions and has been working with me on it, giving me feedback and updates on how she's doing in the behavior department.

It's a terrible day for every mom when she realizes that her little angel is the monster she dreads! And really, what my little girl was doing was not really awful, but it was irritating and based in a desire to look superior. So she paid a price for it. And I figure, I could fight tooth and nail to try to make the world accomodate her, or I could let her learn that sometimes we have to smooth out our rough edges a little in order to make social situations smoother. She's not losing anything of who she really is, and she's learning to negotiate the larger world in a healthy way.

Now she saves her annoyingness for us.....
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  #11  
Old Sep 25, '08, 9:46 am
Brenda V. Brenda V. is offline
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Default Re: My daughter is a bully!

Googled Bully and found this http://pbskids.org/itsmylife/friends/bullies/

According to their definition you could say this behavior is relationship bullying:

Quote:
Relationship bullying means:

* Refusing to talk to someone
* Spreading lies or rumors about someone
* Making someone do things he or she doesn't want to do
It goes on to further define what else needs to be present for an action to be bullying:

Quote:
What do all these things have in common? They're examples of ways one person can make another person feel hurt, afraid, or uncomfortable. When these are done to someone more than once, and usually over and over again for a long period of time, that's bullying.
So, has this been going on for a long period of time? If not then it hasn't become bullying yet - that is why this needs to be addressed now. We don't need to be labeling a 6 year old a bully if she is simply socially inept, and this behavior can be a sign of just that! Children by the time they are six tend to stop using the "I won't be your friend" types of talk yet I have seen this happen in many a first grade class among girls and the girl this is done to changes almost daily! So, question is, is the OP's daughter the only one who does this or does it just not bother her when someone tells her this so the teacher doesn't know it happens in reverse too?

The other question is why does she say this? Is she trying to make friends and just going about it all wrong or is she really trying to hurt them? My advise stands, talk to her and find out what she was thinking when she said this, what in her little mind was happening around her to make her think she should be mean to someone? Does she know it was mean? Did she know she hurt someones feelings (just because someones face falls doesn't mean a socially immature child recognizes it) ? Does she need to be frequently reminded what is appropriate behavior around others, are there other signs of social immaturity?


Brenda V.
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  #12  
Old Sep 25, '08, 9:47 am
jrabs jrabs is offline
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Default Re: My daughter is a bully!

Quote:
Originally Posted by duskyjewel View Post
Thanks, crabs.

Funny thing, the whole thing started because I thought *she* was being bullied! She was getting poked with pencils, her hair pulled, her stuff taken..... I wondered why the other kids kept reacting to her that way. So I wrote a note to the teacher asking if she was doing things that upset the other kids. I love her to death, but she can be teeth-grinding annoying when she wants to be. The teacher confirmed my suspicions and has been working with me on it, giving me feedback and updates on how she's doing in the behavior department.

It's a terrible day for every mom when she realizes that her little angel is the monster she dreads! And really, what my little girl was doing was not really awful, but it was irritating and based in a desire to look superior. So she paid a price for it. And I figure, I could fight tooth and nail to try to make the world accomodate her, or I could let her learn that sometimes we have to smooth out our rough edges a little in order to make social situations smoother. She's not losing anything of who she really is, and she's learning to negotiate the larger world in a healthy way.

Now she saves her annoyingness for us.....
I could not have written a better and more accurate account of truthiness (love that Stephen Colbert word).

It's all part of embracing who are children are, then working with them to mold them as Christians. Not making excuses for them.

I bet your daughter is going to be a leader some day and will be able to use her skills that mom taught her.

That is how I see these children that have a tendency to be a bit aggressive. I see them as future leaders. We just need to harness their nature and help them use it in a positive way to be GREAT leaders.

I am betting that the OP's child has leadership tendencies as well.
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  #13  
Old Sep 25, '08, 12:37 pm
petitfleur petitfleur is offline
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Default Re: My daughter is a bully!

Besides letting them expierience the natural consequences of thier behavior, the only thing I would add is that I make my kid apologise usually with a note to say sorry I made you feel bad written nicely with a picture or something.
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  #14  
Old Sep 30, '08, 9:45 am
ecp007 ecp007 is offline
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Default Re: My daughter is a bully!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brenda V. View Post
...:this is not bullying.



This is actually quite normal behavior for 6 year old girls, in my experience.

One thing you might want to do is get a video like the Dancing Barbie princes, or Cinderella...

Talk about how princesses behave, and how evil step sisters behave. Then ask her who she would rather be friends with? She will say that Cinderella is so nice, and she wants to be friends with her. So then you say, well, then you need to behave like Cinderella, speaking softly, and being nice and inclusive, or no one will want to be friends with you.

At this age, they are still too young to be empathetic. Discussing the other person's hurt feelings is nice, but they are not emotionally mature to be able to internalize that yet. You need to put things in terms of the "WIIIFT" What's In It For Them!
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  #15  
Old Sep 30, '08, 9:52 am
rpp rpp is offline
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Default Re: My daughter is a bully!

There now exists a hypersensitivity to "bullying" that frankly did not exist when I was in school. It is very unhealthy.

Bullies exist everywhere and are all ages. Failure to learn how to deal with bullies will only lead to an inability to deal with them as an adult. Failure to recognize true "bullying" behavior, which is different that merely being assertive, in yourself will result in a society consisting ONLY of utter wimps controlled by the violent and selfish.

What the OP described as "bullying" behavior seems pretty normal to me for an assertive 6 year old.
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