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  #1  
Old Oct 9, '08, 11:33 am
dcrunner1999 dcrunner1999 is offline
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Default adultery forgiveness

I was wondering if one had to ask for forgiveness from the spouse he/she committed adultery against before full forgiveness from God is granted? Or.. is going to confession and asking God for forgiveness and repenting enough? If divorce was sure to follow after telling the spouse what should the adulterer do?
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  #2  
Old Oct 9, '08, 12:39 pm
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Default Re: adultery forgiveness

Don't make pain for the cheated spouse, keep it to yourself and go to confession and be the best spouse you can be to her/him.
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  #3  
Old Oct 9, '08, 1:48 pm
scott1228 scott1228 is offline
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Post Re: adultery forgiveness

This question really has many parts to it.

Is confessing to the spouse required in order to be forgiven by God? No.

Does a spouse that is cheated on deserve to know the truth? Yes.

Will the revelation of that truth lead to divorce? Statistically, yes. But just because it will doesn't mean that revealing it is wrong. A person deserves to know whether or not they are married to a cheater, and then they can decide to stay with them or not.

Why did the person cheat? Just because they went to confession doesn't mean that they won't do it again. If it is a character flaw, then most likely they will do it again. The injured spouse needs to know who they are married to, because I think that cheaters tend to cheat, and more than once.

My advice? If you want to avoid divorce, don't cheat, not even once. If you did cheat, don't be surprised if the person you cheated on wants to divorce you.

Can a couple get through a situation like this? Yes, with God's help, it's possible. But the injured person still deserves the truth. At a very minumum, the injured person may have been exposed to an STD, and may choose to abstain from relations with the adulterer until proven clean of disease.

JMHO.
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  #4  
Old Oct 9, '08, 3:45 pm
kage_ar kage_ar is offline
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Default Re: adultery forgiveness

Ask your priest for guidance. He has seen others down this road.
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  #5  
Old Oct 9, '08, 3:50 pm
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Default Re: adultery forgiveness

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Originally Posted by kage_ar View Post
Ask your priest for guidance. He has seen others down this road.
And find a good Catholic marriage counsellor as well.
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  #6  
Old Oct 9, '08, 5:01 pm
M249 M249 is offline
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Default Re: adultery forgiveness

Quote:
Don't make pain for the cheated spouse, keep it to yourself and go to confession and be the best spouse you can be to her/him.
WHAT! I'm so dissapointed yuo said this...

THE SPOUSE NEEDS TO KNOW.
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  #7  
Old Oct 9, '08, 8:52 pm
grandfather grandfather is offline
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Default Re: adultery forgiveness

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Originally Posted by M249 View Post
WHAT! I'm so dissapointed yuo said this...

THE SPOUSE NEEDS TO KNOW.
Others might disagree. Follow the advice of your confessor.
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  #8  
Old Oct 9, '08, 9:58 pm
thistle thistle is offline
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Default Re: adultery forgiveness

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Originally Posted by M249 View Post
WHAT! I'm so dissapointed yuo said this...

THE SPOUSE NEEDS TO KNOW.
I don't necessarily agree with that.
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  #9  
Old Oct 10, '08, 3:56 am
TLM08 TLM08 is offline
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Default Re: adultery forgiveness

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Originally Posted by dcrunner1999 View Post
I was wondering if one had to ask for forgiveness from the spouse he/she committed adultery against before full forgiveness from God is granted? Or.. is going to confession and asking God for forgiveness and repenting enough? If divorce was sure to follow after telling the spouse what should the adulterer do?
Absolutely under NO circumstances should the wife/husband be told about an affair. Extramarital affairs are evil, but a greater evil is committed when a spouse is told about the offense, especially where children are involved. The offender should get tested immediately for sexually transmitted disease if unprotected sexual activity took place and avoid relations with spouse until results are known. Ask the doc to put a "rush" on the results! Confessing this to a spouse is marital suicide and just plain stupid. This is nothing more than another manifestation of all that 1960s "openness" insanity that has destroyed millions of marriages. If you've had an affair, find out what is going on in your soul that made you do this. Then fix the problem and just shut up about it!

However, If the spouse has discovered the affair on his/her own, you must admit the offense and beg for forgiveness and vow complete repentance. But NEVER admit this just to "get it off your chest". The pain the straying spouse will cause by admitting this is immeasurable!

Get thee to a confessional ASAP! One must beg God Almighty for forgiveness and the grace not to fall into this again, make ammends to your spouse through good deeds and prayer.
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  #10  
Old Oct 10, '08, 4:09 am
TLM08 TLM08 is offline
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Default Re: adultery forgiveness

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Originally Posted by M249 View Post
WHAT! I'm so dissapointed yuo said this...

THE SPOUSE NEEDS TO KNOW.

Having an affair is is like pointing a loaded gun at your marriage. Admitting it to a spouse is pulling the trigger. The spouse does NOT NEED TO KNOW!
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  #11  
Old Oct 10, '08, 4:16 am
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Default Re: adultery forgiveness

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Originally Posted by TLM08 View Post
Having an affair is is like pointing a loaded gun at your marriage. Admitting it to a spouse is pulling the trigger. The spouse does NOT NEED TO KNOW!
And then what happens when the spouse finds out later, and it is years later? Secrets often have a way of coming out.
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  #12  
Old Oct 10, '08, 4:28 am
TLM08 TLM08 is offline
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Default Re: adultery forgiveness

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Originally Posted by kyria View Post
And then what happens when the spouse finds out later, and it is years later? Secrets often have a way of coming out.

There's an even better chance that if you act prudently in the future, the secret will not come out. The affair is dead, it needs to be burried deep into the dark cold ground of one's past. If the spouse finds out years later, at that time, you owe the spouse the truth and will have to deal with the consequences.
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  #13  
Old Oct 10, '08, 4:45 am
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Default Re: adultery forgiveness

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Originally Posted by TLM08 View Post
There's an even better chance that if you act prudently in the future, the secret will not come out. The affair is dead, it needs to be burried deep into the dark cold ground of one's past. If the spouse finds out years later, at that time, you owe the spouse the truth and will have to deal with the consequences.
It is much worse finding out later. And for some to keep such a secret can hold themselves back, for it is never buried. It cannot be forgotten. One can confess to a priest, but the one that you promised to remain faithful too has a right to know, otherwise it is a marriage lived on a lie, and not true love. For true love would not be unfaithful.

I'd rather find out if my spouse was weak at the time, then find out years later he was really a coward who didn't have the guts to confess to me at the time.

Sure an adulturous spouse can take a chance the affair won't be found out, but it will always be a chance.
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  #14  
Old Oct 10, '08, 5:43 am
grandfather grandfather is offline
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Default Re: adultery forgiveness

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Originally Posted by kyria View Post
It is much worse finding out later. And for some to keep such a secret can hold themselves back, for it is never buried. It cannot be forgotten. One can confess to a priest, but the one that you promised to remain faithful too has a right to know, otherwise it is a marriage lived on a lie, and not true love. For true love would not be unfaithful.

I'd rather find out if my spouse was weak at the time, then find out years later he was really a coward who didn't have the guts to confess to me at the time.

Sure an adulturous spouse can take a chance the affair won't be found out, but it will always be a chance.
There seems to be a two edged sword. I don't know the right answer or if there is one size that fits all.

Unburdening one's conscience makes the guilty person feel better, but hurts the innocent. That pain might cause additional pain to children, other innocents, if there is a divorce and the offended spouse can not accept the situation and forgive.

If the guilty person keeps the secret then he or she has to bear the burden of guilt alone. There will probably always be the possibility of discovery later on that haunts the guilty.

I discussed this thread with my wife. She thinks the person should confess and the offended party has a right to know the marriage has been betrayed. I am not sure.

Generally when a person falls into any sin it is not a one time event. The devil exploits our weaknesses. When we try to withstand temptation alone we generally fail, again and again. So maybe if the secret came out and the sinner had help from a spouse and was held accountable there would be a better chance of remaining free from the sin.

There are obviously strong opinions on both sides of this one. God help us all.
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  #15  
Old Oct 10, '08, 7:43 am
TLM08 TLM08 is offline
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Default Re: adultery forgiveness

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Originally Posted by grandfather View Post

Unburdening one's conscience makes the guilty person feel better, but hurts the innocent. That pain might cause additional pain to children, other innocents, if there is a divorce and the offended spouse can not accept the situation and forgive.
I agree....What is the purpose of crushing the heart of the innocent spouse and destroying the lives of the children? This is almost as selfish as the affair itself. PENANCE is the medicine for the burdened conscience, not ripping your wife's or husband's beating heart out and crushing it under your heel.... just to make yourself feel better. What you owe your husband/wife is a Godly and loving spouse. Find out what made you act like this and fix it.

Make ammends by donating time and (or) money worthy charities and thank God every day for the blessings in your life and pray for insight and increased gratitude to appreciate your family. For the sake of your spouse and children, keep your mouth shut! Bury this sin so deep that it never sees the light of day again........On the other hand, if you WANT a divorce, then go ahead and tell all!
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