How do i keep him satified?

[jellie89]

I am a virgin. My boyfriend knows and respects this, and would never pressure me into anything. But he has recently made it known to me that he is very frustrated. To the point where he doesn't want to see me that often because if he kisses me he gets excited. What can i do? What can he do?

[BamaRider]

You don't need to do anything sweetie, if he leaves it will be his loss. In fact if he keeps fussing about it, he won't have to do anything, you will.

I'll let the ladies here guide you, but that's what I'd tell my little girl.

[jellie89]

I'm not worried that he'll leave. I just want to make his life a little easier. And I don't want him to worry about spending time with me

[kage_ar]

A few questions.

Are you both practicing Catholics?

What is your age in general (early high school, college, etc.)

How long have you been dating?

What are your plans for the future?

[jellie89]

I'm 19 and a practicing Catholic; he's 21, Catholic, but in name only. We're both in college. We've been together since March, but we broke up recently because of communication problems, and we're trying to fix things. I have no idea what our future holds

[vocatio]

My assessment of any guy that claims to be frustrated and needs to leave is that he is already trying to coerce you. Don't listen to me. I just know the types. I'm a guy. And I too will allow the women to guide you. But if that was my boy I'd have a man to boy [doesn't deserve to be called a man until he acts like one] talk with him about how to treat a lady.

[jellie89]

Let me clear something up. He's not threatening to leave. He's not complaining. He's not trying to get me to do anything. We've just been talking more lately, trying to communicate, and he mentioned it. At this point it is not a big deal, and it's not something he will leave me for.

He's frustrated, not because i wont have sex with him, but because he doesn't want to want to when he's around me. That's the problem.

And I do want to hear from the guys because ya'll know better what he's going through

[ChristinaM]

Originally Posted by jellie89

He's frustrated, not because i wont have sex with him, but because he doesn't want to want to when he's around me. That's the problem.

You said he's a Catholic "in name only" - maybe he needs to consider improving his spiritual life and relationship with God. In my experience the grace of chastity is something that comes through prayer, Mass attendance and regular confession. Abstaining from sex is one thing, growing in holiness ("not wanting to want to") is another. God bless.

[BamaRider]

To the point where he doesn't want to see me that often because if he kisses me he gets excited

Oh ok, I was a little confused by the title of the thread and this statement.

He's frustrated, not because i wont have sex with him, but because he doesn't want to want to when he's around me. That's the problem.

Ok so he's being aroused when he doesn't want to be? Is this the problem?

A 21 year old guy is bascially aroused when the wind blows. Its nature. What makes us different from the rest of the biological world is we have a choice.

My wife was a 19 year old virgin when we met and up to the day we were married. We dated almost 2 years, and had a 6 month engagement. She was going through RCIA during our engagement, and it was important to her to be chaste.

I was the first serious relationship in her life. Was it hard to stay the course? YES. Was it frustrating YES. Did we argue about it? Sometimes. Did we fool around? Yes. And it was not always me doing the fussing. Sometimes I had to be the one to cut things off, because I knew she would be upset the next morning if we caved. At the nuptial mass, we agreed it was important for us to be chaste. We talked about that numerous times.

Both of us are/were the physical type, and in the last few months we basically avoided all occasions to be alone, because it was getting harder and harder. Six weeks from our wedding day we were fixing up the apt we were going to call home, we were alone, and I told her to get her purse because instead of cleaning bathrooms we were fooling around LOL.

She didn't say a word to me all the way home. She was hacked, but the next day she was apologetic and thankful we didn't blow it that close to the wedding.

The next time we went to clean the apt her mother and sister came with us (talk about a drag)

I suggest y'all try the same approach. Just avoid being alone in places you think no one is watching. He doesnt' want to come see you because he doesn't want to have sex, but when you're near he fears he will get out of line?

Did ya ask him how he propose to advance the relationship, when he fears being with you even in a casual settings?

I get it he respects your wishes, but I suggest he show a little maturity, which might be in short supply at 21.

I know what he's going through, but that didn't mean I didn't want to see Debbie. Heck, I just had to deal with it.

[TLDenmark]

Dear jellie89

Originally Posted by jellie89

To the point where he doesn't want to see me that often because if he kisses me he gets excited. What can i do? What can he do?

If the problem is the kissing, you might consider stopping or altering that activity. Anyway good for both of you, that you are determined to stay pure .

God bless you
TL

[HOPEFUL_IN_UK]

Bama Rider's post is really good.

I know a guy who is dating a girl who doesn't "get" that long smooching sessions upset him. He really wants to be chaste and it's hard for him to control his desires.

So, the thing to do is to avoid being alone with him and keep kissing to a minimum.

[puzzleannie]

you need to get married, or get a new boyfriend, one who realizes "sexual satisfaction" is a privilege reserved for marriage, and such activity has no place and no legitimate purpose outside marriage. I predict a grim future for any marriage based solely on the concept of one person being regarding as a mechanical object to "satisfy the needs" of the other party.

If you really want to make his life easier, suggest he grow up and leave off the sophmoric attitude toward sex and first learn how to be a friend with a girl without demanding sexual services as the price of maintaining a relationship.

Of course you have communication problems, because he is at a level that reduces interaction to the purely physical. that is why I say young people have to first learn the art of friendship, sharing in such a way that is not merely physical, before they are able to enter into a mature romantic relationship. You will not be able to develop intimacy, which is the desired end of true communication, if the only contact with which he is satisfied is the physical. Again, a very poor basis for marriage.

[jellie89]

When I said satisfied i meant emotionally not physically. How can I ease his burden without endangering my purity. Again our relationship is solid and not based on the physical, and he hasn't asked for anything.

Thank you BamaRider; if avoiding alone time is our only option i'll have to start suggesting group time. I just wish there was another way. I miss him holding me.

[Feanaro's Wife]

Originally Posted by jellie89

Thank you BamaRider; if avoiding alone time is our only option i'll have to start suggesting group time. I just wish there was another way. I miss him holding me.

I believe avoiding alone time would be a great option. As for him not holding you....this can be a great lesson in sacrificial love. You would be giving up something you need to meet a greater need of his.

[kage_ar]

Originally Posted by jellie89

I just wish there was another way. I miss him holding me.

If he is holding you in a way that cannot be done in front of other people, he needs to find a new way to hold you. Unmarried people need to keep physical interaction to what is proper to do in front of other people. The things that you cannot do in public are reserved for marriage.

He can put his arm around your shoulders, give you a hug, dance with you, hold your hand, no intimate contact.