Funny religious jokes (clean)

[latingirl]

One day a Baptist minister and a Catholic priest get into an argument about who is a better Pastor. They couldn’t settle this so their friend intervened saying, “Let them have a contest to see who’s really the best Pastor.”
The contest is to take place at a church with a simple podium and alter.
First they see who has the best prayer. The priest takes out incense prays elaborately and says some Latin. The preacher gets on his knees, throws his hands in the air and cries out to God.
-It’s a tie.
Next is the sermon. The priest takes out his Bible, kisses it and talks about the life of Christ. The minister takes out his Bible, reads verses and tells a fiery sermon.
- Again they decide it’s a tie.
Lastly, the friend says “Okay for the tie-breaker: the Lord’s Supper.”
The minister looks up and says, “…I’m screwed.”

[Blade and Blood]

Oh, that is funny.

Here's one--I posted this before, but I just can't get enough of it!

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.

However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good- natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked:

"Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

And a great voice was heard from above:

"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

Well, I thought it was funny.

Ironically Yours, Blade and Blood

[rhutch1981]

Originally Posted by latingirl

One day a Baptist minister and a Catholic priest get into an argument about who is a better Pastor. They couldn’t settle this so their friend intervened saying, “Let them have a contest to see who’s really the best Pastor.”
The contest is to take place at a church with a simple podium and alter.
First they see who has the best prayer. The priest takes out incense prays elaborately and says some Latin. The preacher gets on his knees, throws his hands in the air and cries out to God.
-It’s a tie.
Next is the sermon. The priest takes out his Bible, kisses it and talks about the life of Christ. The minister takes out his Bible, reads verses and tells a fiery sermon.
- Again they decide it’s a tie.
Lastly, the friend says “Okay for the tie-breaker: the Lord’s Supper.”
The minister looks up and says, “…I’m screwed.”

baby that one is funny, I love your jokes!

[latingirl]

I have a couple more:

- One day a priest went up to the Pope's office and found a set of large keys. He takes them and proceeds to dance around saying "I've got the keys to Heaven!"
Five minutes later the Pope is walking to the pope-mobile, feels in his pockets and asks, "Where are my keys."


- A North American cardinal decides he's going to migrate to Europe over the winter. When the time comes, he flies all the way to Italy. Upon getting there he lands next to a dove who says "You're all red and puffy, what kind of bird are you?"
"I'm from America and I'm a cardinal"
The dove replies, "Silly Americans, always thinking they're someone important.

- There was a lady judge who had the reputation of being very mean. One day at court she says to the lawyers, " I want you to say something in Latin before I call you up."
The first lawyer says "Habeas corpus".
The judge gives him a look and says" I said that a minute ago"
The second lawyer pulls a quarter out of his pocket and says
"E pluribus unum"
The judge yells, "You just read that- it doesn't count!"
The third lawyer right next to them crosses himself and says "Sancta Maria- ora pro nobis..."
The judge calls him up and looking confused he asks "What...I was just very afraid."

[jakobsprenger]

A very pious and wealthy lady dies and goes to heaven, an angel meets her and conducts her to her heavenly home. As they walk through the avenues of Heaven, they pass huge mansions; looking like English stately homes, she asks the angel "Is this where I'm going to live?" The angel replies "No". They walk on further and the houses don't look as grand; they are now single storey and sprawling, like a nice middle-class suburb. The lady recognises a few people. "Is this where I am to live?" "No." replies the angel.

They walk on further and the heavenly suburbs are deteriorating to tenement-type apartments; folk are still blissfully happy because they are in Heaven, but the accommodation is not the mansions the lady was expecting. "Surely you don't expect me to live here?" asks the lady. "No", replied the angel.

After more miles the pair eventually come to a slum; folk are blissfully happy because they are in Heaven, but now the houses are corrugated-iron humpys; three sheets of tin making two walls and a roof. "I cannot possibly be expected to live here!!" exclaims the recently deceased lady. The angel turns to her with a sad look in his eyes. "My dear lady, you deserved to come to Heaven, but you sent us so little work with....."

[Trishie]

Originally Posted by jakobsprenger

A very pious and wealthy lady dies and goes to heaven, an angel meets her and conducts her to her heavenly home. As they walk through the avenues of Heaven, they pass huge mansions; looking like English stately homes, she asks the angel "Is this where I'm going to live?" The angel replies "No". They walk on further and the houses don't look as grand; they are now single storey and sprawling, like a nice middle-class suburb. The lady recognises a few people. "Is this where I am to live?" "No." replies the angel.

They walk on further and the heavenly suburbs are deteriorating to tenement-type apartments; folk are still blissfully happy because they are in Heaven, but the accommodation is not the mansions the lady was expecting. "Surely you don't expect me to live here?" asks the lady. "No", replied the angel.

After more miles the pair eventually come to a slum; folk are blissfully happy because they are in Heaven, but now the houses are corrugated-iron humpys; three sheets of tin making two walls and a roof. "I cannot possibly be expected to live here!!" exclaims the recently deceased lady. The angel turns to her with a sad look in his eyes. "My dear lady, you deserved to come to Heaven, but you sent us so little work with....."

A well thought out joke, and ...ouch...a parable!

[JFT]

Originally Posted by Blade and Blood

Oh, that is funny.

Here's one--I posted this before, but I just can't get enough of it!

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.

However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good- natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked:

"Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

And a great voice was heard from above:

"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

Well, I thought it was funny.

Ironically Yours, Blade and Blood

Give it time, Blade and Blood, give it time. It may become as funny as this one that I'd heard from a Catholic priest who passed away some time ago:

A priest, a rabbi and a taxicab driver appear before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. The priest is up first.

Saint Peter asks the priest, "Did you follow all the teachings of Jesus and the Church?" "Yes, I did," says the priest. Saint Peter tells him, "Very well, then, go and sit in row ten."

When the rabbi approaches, Saint Peter asks him, "Did you follow all the Commandments spelled out in the Torah and in your faith-tradition?" "Yes, I did," says the rabbi. "Very well, then," says Saint Peter, "go and sit by the priest in row ten."

The taxicab driver comes up last and, after a few words between him and Saint Peter, the priest and the rabbi hear Saint Peter tell him, "Go and sit in the from row, by God, if you please."

Later, the priest and the rabbi corner Saint Peter and demand, "Hey, what's the big idea of putting us in row ten, and then putting that spitwad of a taxicab driver up with God?!" Saint Peter smiles and politely replies, "It's because he scared the Hell out of more people in one week than you two did in one lifetime."

Please note that this does NOT contain a single obscenity, vulgarity and/or profanity.

[latingirl]

Warning, this is political:

Every time a Pope dies, he has to turn in his duplicate keys to Heaven. So one Pope dies, turns in his set of keys to St. Peter and gets let in the gates. The next Pope dies, gives St. Peter his set of keys and goes in. The next Pope after that dies, meets St. Peter who asks for the keys and says , "Sorry I lost them."
St Peter gets angry and replies, "You can't misplace the keys to Heaven lest they fall into wrong hands!"
Down on Earth, President Obama picks up a glowing set of keys and cries out, "Yes, I'm infallible!"

[JFT]

Originally Posted by latingirl

Warning, this is political:

Every time a Pope dies, he has to turn in his duplicate keys to Heaven. So one Pope dies, turns in his set of keys to St. Peter and gets let in the gates. The next Pope dies, gives St. Peter his set of keys and goes in. The next Pope after that dies, meets St. Peter who asks for the keys and says , "Sorry I lost them."
St Peter gets angry and replies, "You can't misplace the keys to Heaven lest they fall into wrong hands!"
Down on Earth, President Obama picks up a glowing set of keys and cries out, "Yes, I'm infallible!"

Yes, that certainly had a political element to it. I just hope that now-President B. Hussein Obama won't let all that power go to his head. It just might give him a headache.

[sillyfuzz]

The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?"

The driver is understandably hesitant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that."

But the Pope persists, "Please?"

The driver finally lets up, "Oh, alright, I can't really say no to the Pope."

So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to wind the window down. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: Chief, I have a problem.

Chief: What sort of problem?

Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but it's someone really important.

Chief: Important like the mayor?

Cop: No, no, much more important than that.

Chief: Important like the governor?

Cop: Way more important than that.

Chief: Like the president?

Cop: Much more important.

Chief: "Who's more important than the president?"

Cop: "I don't know but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!"

[latingirl]

Sillyfuzz, I've heard that one and it gets better every time!

[mark a]

What's the difference between a Methodist and a Baptist?

A Methodist will speak to you at the liquor store.





Why should yoy always take two Baptists fishing with you?

Because if you take only one, he'll drink all your beer!

[LRThunder]

What did a priest say to his new bishop?

Long time no See.

[GilChrist77]

There was a painter that had fallen on some really hard times and was running out of paint. He started thinning his paint with water so it would go farther. One day he was commissioned to paint a church so he starts working and when he gets done he hears a loud voice that says "Repaint and thin no more."

JMJ+
~Betsy

[latingirl]

There was a painter that had fallen on some really hard times and was running out of paint. He started thinning his paint with water so it would go farther. One day he was commissioned to paint a church so he starts working and when he gets done he hears a loud voice that says "Repaint and thin no more."


heehee