Irish Humor -- You've Got To Love The Irish

[Irish Kathy]

My sister sent me some wonderful Irish jokes recently. I figured I could add one of them a day. Feel free to add your own jokes and comments as well. I know you're going to like them as much as I have. The more fun we have with this the better!!!

The Errand

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini,
each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed,
the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me", said a customer,
who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done,
"what was that all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman,
"me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

[Irish Kathy]

Originally Posted by Irish Kathy

My sister sent me some wonderful Irish jokes recently. I figured I could add one of them a day. Feel free to add your own jokes and comments as well. I know you're going to like them as much as I have. The more fun we have with this the better!!!

The Errand

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini,
each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed,
the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me", said a customer,
who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done,
"what was that all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman,
"me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

Here's another joke, in case anyone is interested.

[

B]The Lost Luggage [/b]

An Irishman arrived at JFK and soon was walking
around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.
An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman.
"I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

[Stephentlig]

Those were hilarious
thanks for sharing them with us.

Stephen

[Irish Kathy]

Originally Posted by Stephentlig

Those were hilarious
thanks for sharing them with us.

Stephen

Hi Stephen Here's another one from the ones she sent me:

Water to Wine

An Irish priest is driving down to New York
and gets stopped for speeding.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath
and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"

[Voradin]

Where's all the Scots?

I've descended from the Scottish and I haven't found a single Scotsman!

[Irish Kathy]

Originally Posted by Voradin

Where's all the Scots?

I've descended from the Scottish and I haven't found a single Scotsman!

Hi Voradin The Scots are OK in my book. Unfortunately, the jokes my sister sent me are all about the Irish. With that in mind, here's another one, there may not be any Scots, but there are a few Protestants for those of you who happen to be Protestants.

The Brothel

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer
and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel,
and one of them said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel,
and the other Irishman said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews
are falling' victim to temptation."
Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel,
and one of the Irishmen said,
"What a terrible pity...
one of the girls must be quite ill."

[Voradin]

Originally Posted by Irish Kathy

Hi Voradin The Scots are OK in my book. Unfortunately, the jokes my sister sent me are all about the Irish. With that in mind, here's another one, there may not be any Scots, but there are a few Protestants for those of you who happen to be Protestants.

The Brothel

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer
and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel,
and one of them said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel,
and the other Irishman said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews
are falling' victim to temptation."
Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel,
and one of the Irishmen said,
"What a terrible pity...
one of the girls must be quite ill."

Hilarious! BTW I'm Catholic...

[Irish Kathy]

Originally Posted by Voradin

Hilarious! BTW I'm Catholic...

Hi Voradin I DID do a bit of a web search and found a pretty good Scottish joke for ye. Here it goes, I hope it fits the bill.

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand
on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well,noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first
three pennies?"

[Voradin]

Originally Posted by Irish Kathy

Hi Voradin I DID do a bit of a web search and found a pretty good Scottish joke for ye. Here it goes, I hope it fits the bill.

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand
on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well,noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first
three pennies?"

Haha....Aye like it

[Irish Kathy]

Originally Posted by Voradin

Haha....Aye like it

Hi Voradin here's another from the same site:

Jock finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone into foreclosure and he's in serious financial problems. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. "God, please help me. Ah've lost ma wee store and if Ah dinna get some money, Ah'm going to lose my hoose too. Please let me win the lottery!" Lottery night! Someone else wins... Jock prays again. "God, please let me win the lottery! Ah've lost my wee store, ma hoose and Ah'm going to lose ma car as weel!" Lottery night again! Still no luck... Jock prays again.
"Ah've lost ma business, ma hoose and ma car. Ma bairns are starving. Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and Ah have always been a good servant to Ye. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so Ah can get back on ma feet!"
Suddenly there is a blinding flash as the heavens open and the voice of God Himself thunders:
"Jock at least meet Me half way and buy a ticket!"

[tee_eff_em]

Q: D'ya hear about the Scots vegetarian who died?

A: Aye, the was a great turrrrrrrrrnip for the funeral.


tee

[mhuff1]

Originally Posted by Irish Kathy

Hi Stephen Here's another one from the ones she sent me:

Water to Wine

An Irish priest is driving down to New York
and gets stopped for speeding.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath
and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"

LOL I love this one Kathy!

[Irish Kathy]

Originally Posted by tee_eff_em

Q: D'ya hear about the Scots vegetarian who died?

A: Aye, the was a great turrrrrrrrrnip for the funeral.


tee

Hi Tee That was truely a good joke. Thanks for the laugh.

[Irish Kathy]

Originally Posted by mhuff1

LOL I love this one Kathy!

Here's another one for you Maria and everyone else here.

Lost at Sea

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape
from a burning freighter.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.
This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:
"Nice going Patrick!
Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!

[tee_eff_em]

From the immortal Jack Burns and Avery Schreiber:

Burns: "You want to hear a funny joke about these two Jewish guys?"

Schreiber: "Wait a minute, why is it always Jewish guys? Can't you tell about some other guys? How 'bout you tell about Irish guys?"

Burns: "Sure it could be Irish guys. It don't have to be Jewish guys. All right, these two Irish guys are standing in a synagogue, and the guy says, 'Hey Izzy, how come....'"

tee