Should This Friendship Be Over?

[David Treadman]

Hi,

A couple weeks ago I got mad at a friend of mine and I haven't talked to her since. She doesn't respect me and she doesn't care for my feelings. I have been questioning though if I miss her being around or not. I have come to the conclusion that I miss her being around not for what she is and gives me, but that I have the illusion of control. I know it's the sin of pride that is fueling this and that it isn't coming from a good place, but I am curious about things. There's a part of me that says I need to talk to her, but that I don't miss her. While the other side says, that it will be better for the both of us to just leave things the way things are. We have been friends for almost five years, by the way and only did it become a project of control in the last couple.

I guess I already know the answer, but staying away from her - actually it's more like staying away from wanting to mettle and control is eating at me. I feel like I need to control something, but not another person. It all probably sounds crazy, yet I need some place productive to put this negative devil energy. I know in my heart of hearts that nothing good will come of us being back together.

Thanks.

[Trishie]

Hi David. You're very honest!
It wasn't a healthy friendship if the desire to control is the main component of the relationship...in fact wanting to control anyone doesn't make for healthy relationships now or for the future. It actually sounds that you didn't really respect who she is and her feelings either. If she's co-dependent enough to allow you to control her the relationship isn't good for either of you!

You sound honest and intelligent enough to be able to examine why you chose to respond in the way you have in the last couple of years.

Perhaps you're being overly tough on yourself, and your intentions towards her were good, but where 'fixing' someone replaces an attitude of allowing each other to grow in mutual respectful freedom...I guess you need to look at how you view Jesus command to "love others as yourself" Luke 10:27] Sometimes in a good relationship guidance or surpport is needed, but not control. If you feel you need to control your partner, something is very wrong, and if it escalates, can result in a emotionally or mentally abusive relationship that blesses neither partner.

But I suspect you know al this, and as I said, I think you're self aware and intelligent enough to be able to channel your strength and desire to control in healthy and profitable ways.

I don't know if you both require a mutual apology of some sort before you go separate ways...unless you believe you can create a better platform for your relationship...but as you say, you don't miss her, so don't really need her as an intimate part of your life.

God bless you both.
Regards, Trishie

[David Treadman]

Hi Trishie,

There is a lot of truth in what you say. I didn't in fact respect her or really accept her for being different than me...there I said it... Don't get me wrong in the beginning I did and I loved her, but something changed and I guess I got bored with my life. I started school soon after that and she didn't like me moving on with my life. So it became strained and I began to disdain her company. I tried to stay supportive more because I thought that was my role, more than that I really wanted to. I felt like we had reached a gap in our friendship that it was not going to bridge.

She grew distant, and I became disillusioned by our time together. It was like if I did even the slightest thing wrong she would turn against me and want to disappear. She even said insulting things around me like "if I something better to do, do you think I would be hanging around you?" We knew that if we both had something better to do we wouldn't miss each other's company, but it was still insulting to hear. In actuality we were too different and I wondered some time ago what it is that we liked about each other when we met? I agree there is some co-dependency going on here on both parts, but I was always the one to be left by the wayside and I never had to do it before. Yet here I had to be proactive because I am molting so to speak and I'm leaving the old skin behind. I am trying to improve my relationships with religion, philosophy, my family and myself.

I grew up dysfunctional and I see the reasons that it happened, but I am 30 years old and I need to fix those problems now. Most people are used to making self-concerning adult decisions except it's new to me. Riding her of her negative influence was maybe the first in straightening my compass and setting me on the right track. By the way thinking positively wasn't always my strong suit. I need that hope more than anything as I leave my spirit being a drab moth and become a brilliant butterfly.

So in turn maybe I answered my own question, but thank you for your blessings, Trishie.

[Trishie]

Wow! You did answer your own question, but it was clear to me that you could, and had already more than half done so in your first post. Even though in your first post you portrayed yourself in a manner that could have attracted criticism, I could already see that you are an an intelligent, impressive and good person.

Your friend's limitations, both in understanding and in her incapacity to genuinely love your true self as you began to emerge, has been helpful in that this has given you an enhanced understanding of who you are and wish to be.

I pray that God will continue to guide you continued growth as a fine human being and a fine Christian. I pray also that your friend will receive grace to grow in her own life.

David means "beloved". That's a great motto in itself. I've lost a brother named David, in a fatal car accident in 2002. And I have a fondness for King David, because he was noble and good, but also at times fallible...in other words, human.

Jesus make me who I am

Dear Jesus, the Father dreamed and loved me into existence. Please be merciful to my Creator by ensuring that I fully live God’s dream of me.

Occasionally, in others’ eyes, I glimpse a loving, delightful person whom God created out of love. Please help me to become truly that person, so that others can experience Your love, goodness, and beauty in me, and can receive the blessings You intend for them through me.

Let me delight You, by being an open doorway into You for others. Let me be a living tabernacle of Your love, an overflowing crystal chalice of Your love, a powerhouse of prayer and an instrument of Your love and healing to others.

Please Jesus, make me who I am in the dream God always had of me. 2003

Take care of yourself, David.
I look forward to meeting you in heaven...Trishie

[David Treadman]

I thought I had resolved this, but since I have been stressed over...well, I have one last test in my intermediate algebra class week after next, then a final and then a computer test over 3 classes of material - so I've been under a lot of stress. Thus I am looking for that friend to talk to, but all the channels for that are now gone. Leaving me few to talk to, and I found that she has been saying to my other friends that she, "is relieved I'm gone" and that I was "excess baggage" for her. Even though I had stepped away from her and I did without any hard feelings, I feel hurt by what she said about me. I manned up and tried to be diplomatic about it and step away and now I feel like she got the last straw on making me feel bad.

I don't know what I need to resolve this, but I know that I need to be spending less time on this and more on my studies. I keep thinking that it will get better each day, but as I find that when I am procrastinating my studies away, that I think more about her. I guess, I just need to get busy and stay busy to keep my mind occupied. What isn't good is that I don't have a lot of friends that I open too much about myself, because I fear the situation happening. To open up and be warm and supportive, but then out in the cold again. This is when I turn my attention to God and hope that he can carve out a plan for me to make something happen. For now I am suffering and struggling to keep my mind focused on what I know I have to get done for the future.

I guess I would feel better if I thought that her reaction with just a defense mechanism that this is what women say to save face; rather than a personal attack on me. I guess I just need to relax and let tomorrow comes when it does and try to not put undue pressure on myself to be at 100%. I am too hard on myself I know, and that is something that I have to improve on, but not right now. I have enough to juggle right now that I don't need one other thing.