Sprituality Witness

[nicolep]

I gave a witness in February for a Christ Renews His Parish retreat. I thought it would be a good post to start our forums.

Christ Renews His Parish Witness – Spirituality


Jeremiah 1:5 - "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you”

I was born in the winter of 1981. I was the second child, the first girl. My brother and father wanted a girl for Christmas. I didn’t arrive until about a month after Christmas. I started my life much like I would go on to live it…in my own time.

My mom was raised Baptist. My dad believed in God, but I don’t recall him ever going to church. My brother and I went with mom on Easter. I was in the Christmas pageant at the Baptist church once or twice. My parents didn’t raise me to have a strong faith. They planted the seed for the future. It would grow in time. I always believed in God, but He wasn’t someone I talked to or thought about often.

Matthew 10:38 “and whoever does not take up his cross and follow after me is not worthy of me.”

My parents worked hard to make my life easy. They tried to make things as easy as possible when my grandpa died when I was eleven. They held me when my uncle Lores died in a car accident six months later. My dad clung to me as he moved his belongings out of our house when my parents divorced not even two months after my uncle died.

I grew up so fast that summer. My world changed drastically. A seemly fulfilled life was empty. Where were all of the people I loved? Where is this God that is supposed to be so wonderful? If he was so wonderful, this wouldn’t be happening to my family.

Time continues without regard to feelings. I got used to my new life. I stayed with my mom for two years after the divorce. During this time, I became closer and closer to my dad. He was a completely different person. It never occurred to me that my relationship with him could be the good that God made from bad.

I moved into my dad’s house the summer before I started high school. My mom didn’t want me around any more. Taking care of a teenager with so much baggage wasn’t on her list of things she wanted to do. She had a new husband. My dad had a new wife.

For me, something was missing. A friend from school took me to her church’s youth group one evening. Maybe this is what my life needed. I needed a relationship with God. However, I was not ready to have a relationship with Him or Jesus yet. I went to that church a few times. I attended the youth group. I still didn’t have any feelings toward God. Where was the comfort He provided to so many people? Why wasn’t I being comforted? My mom didn’t love me. My dad was never around. God apparently wasn’t around either.

My life continued. I was a normal teenager on the outside. I experienced all of the things I should and some things I wished I could forget. I graduated from high school. I went to college. I got my first real job. I settled into a life I didn’t particularly want, but didn’t dislike it either. The entire time I went on searching. It’s hard to find something one doesn’t even know they’ve lost.

[nicolep]

During this time, I was in love with a man that made me cry more than he made me smile. "This must be how love feels,” I thought to myself. It could have been worse. He never hit me. He was not verbally abusive in anyway. I didn’t see how much damage he was actually doing. Nor could I foresee the amount of time it would take to recover from that relationship.

One night, I couldn’t sleep. “Could I really be pregnant?” I thought to myself. I drove to the pharmacy on the corner. The pregnancy test had two pink lines almost immediately. “I’m pregnant.” I was no longer living for myself. I had a child to nurture. The father didn’t want to be around. He would check his e-mail though to see how things were going.

It was a rough pregnancy at first. I had bleeding off and on for a few weeks. Every time I went to the doctor or the hospital, I expected to hear that the baby was gone. Each time, I was so happy that the baby was healthy. Then, the pregnancy became normal. The baby had a good heartbeat. The baby was growing just how it should. I found out I was having the boy I so desperately wanted. I prepared for this new life as well as possible.

Psalms 23:2 – 6 The LORD is my shepherd; there is nothing I lack.
In green pastures you let me graze; to safe waters you lead me;
you restore my strength. You guide me along the right path for the sake of your name.
Even when I walk through a dark valley, I fear no harm for you are at my side; your rod and staff give me courage.
You set a table before me as my enemies watch; You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Only goodness and love will pursue me all the days of my life; I will dwell in the house of the LORD for years to come


At 3:45 in the morning on August 29th, I woke up with labor pains. It was too early to have contractions. I wasn’t even 26 weeks yet. I called my mom and asked her to come over. She called the doctor and he said to get to the hospital as soon as possible. The on-call doctor checked my cervix. There was a lot of blood, but I wasn’t dilated. I was hooked up to machines. The baby and I were both fine. My contractions didn’t even register on the machines.



My doctor arrived a few hours later. He checked my cervix. I will never forget the look on his face. He looked at me and said, “You’re dilated to 4 ½ centimeters and your membranes are bulging.” Nurses and doctors came into the room. They did everything they could, but the labor could not be stopped.

At 2:02 pm the same day, I had a beautiful little boy. I named him Xavier Ian. He was very early, but was doing well. He was taken off the ventilator and put on a CPAP after a couple of hours. I had a c-section and wasn’t able to spend much time with him. I was in my room when the NICU doctor said he needed a blood transfusion. Something happened. He was put back on the ventilator. They didn’t know what was wrong yet.

The next morning, the doctor took me into a room away from the other families. Xavier had a massive brain hemorrhage. It is common with extremely premature babies. I asked the doctor if he would ever be normal. The doctor replied, “No. This was catastrophic.” I put a do not resuscitate order in place immediately. I did not want him to suffer.

I spent the day next to his bed. Time goes by so fast when one wants to savor every moment. The next few hours were gone in a blink of an eye. The doctor told me that nothing else may happen. I was waiting for something to happen. I told everyone that I wanted to take him off life support. My baby boy was already gone. Immediate family was invited to see him. I finally got to hold him. I was holding him when the ventilator came out on its own. The doctor asked if I wanted it put back in. I said, “No.” He asked again. Again, I said, “No.” He asked a third time and I said, “No, let him go.” He was given morphine so he would be comfortable and placed back into my arms.
I was given the extraordinary opportunity of being present when his life began. I was given the awesome responsibility of handing him over to his next life. While I held my dying son, for the first time in my life, I felt Jesus holding me. Peace and love surrounded us. I told the nurse, “I can’t let him go.” She said, “I’ll take him from you so you never have to let go.”

How quickly life had changed again! I went from planning a new life to planning a funeral. All of the arrangements were made. I prayed that it didn’t rain. “Please God, I’ve lost everything. Make it a nice day.” The morning of his funeral, it was raining. Figures…I’m all alone in this anyway. While in the funeral home, the rain stopped. By the time I walked out, it was a gorgeous, clear day. My dad later told me he thought the angels were crying in the morning and then rejoiced that afternoon.

I talked to God more during the year following Xavier’s death than I had in my entire life. I couldn’t do this. I didn’t want a life without my son. “Please, God, make the pain stop. Please, God, I can’t do this alone”. I was so angry. I was angry with God for not taking me instead. I was angry God didn’t take me, too. I was angry that he made me keep living. I was angry that Xavier died.



“He’s in a better place”, they said. “I don’t care. I want him with me.” “He’s not suffering anymore”, they said. “I don’t care. I’m suffering terribly.” “God, you have never been there for me. Why don’t you make this better? Why can’t you make it all stop? Have I been such a terrible person?”

Life continued this way for two years. I wasn’t as depressed, but I was still very angry. The only time I talked to God was when I begged for death. Eventually, I stopped asking.

[nicolep]

Matthew 25:45 Then He will answer them, 'Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me

My strong desire to care for children continued. I was a mother without a child. I cannot imagine a worse feeling in the world. After a lot of consideration, I decided to become a foster parent. I had so much love to share…so much nurturing to do.

Becoming a foster parent was an extremely stressful and long process. People came into my home and scrutinized everything. I was asked very personal questions. I persevered through it all. After a long wait, I picked up my first two foster children. They were brothers. One was four years old and the other two. What a joy they were to have around. They became members of my family in an instant. I knew it wasn’t forever, but right then was enough.

I had the two boys for about three months. They left a few weeks before the third anniversary of my son’s death. In a way, it was divine intervention. They were ready to go back to biological family. I needed to deal with my grief for Xavier. With a heavy heart, I grieved for all of my boys that summer. I missed them all terribly.

It must have been the Holy Spirit that drove my car to St. Luke Catholic Church one Sunday. I didn’t know why I was there. There were no Catholics in my family. Why this Church? Why this day? It was perfect. I had come home. This was exactly where I needed to be at exactly the right time.

I decided to participate in RCIA. I was finding my way in the world. It was close to Christmas. I sat a table peeling apples with my best friend. Somehow, we got on the subject of me joining the Catholic Church. We agreed that it was the right move for me. I was happy again. She said, “You’re not angry about being alive anymore.”

After I started RCIA, I received another foster child. I got a call one evening after I got home from work. I was given details about a 13-month old little boy. I told them I was leaving then to pick him up. I got to the department of child services and told them my name. The social worker at the door said, “Are you here to pick up Xeavier?” “What is his name, “I asked? She replied, “Xeavier.” What an unexpected surprise!


I loved foster Xeavier almost immediately. He was truly a sweet boy. The state decided to terminate parental rights. I was asked if I wanted to adopt him. I said, “Absolutely” without hesitation. Things were really coming together for me. The court date was set. I was going to have another son of my own. I waited anxiously for the court date to arrive.

Two weeks before signing the papers to make foster Xeavier legally my son, I received a phone call. His grandparents decided to fight for custody. I was devastated. How could they take my son away from me? I was told he wasn’t my son yet. I went to court anyway in hopes that the grandparents would be found unfit. However, custody was granted to them. That would be the last night I ever spent with him.

As you might imagine, I had some depression set in after foster Xeavier left. How many sons can one person lose in a lifetime? Both named Xavier. Both so much loved that it physically hurt to be separated from them. After losing foster Xeavier though, I had God. He was there and my new faith taught me that for whatever reason, this is what needed to happen. It still hurt more than I can describe, but this what Jesus meant when he told us to pick up our cross and follow him.

Without my sons, I threw myself into the Catholic Church. In order to make a proper decision about joining the Church, I needed to participate in everything I could. About a month after starting classes, I was going to Mass everyday. It was a crash course in how to be Catholic. I learned the responses. I learned the prayers. I knew exactly when to kneel and when to stand. It felt so right.

The time in RCIA seemed to last a long time. I wanted to join the Church already! Finally, it was Holy Week. Easter took on a completely new meaning for me. I realized that Jesus died for me. It wasn’t just for all of those other people in the world. He died on the cross for me, too. God sent His only son so that 2000 years later, we can hope and work to have an eternity in happiness with him.

I enjoyed participating in all of the events during that week. The Holy Thursday Mass was truly beautiful. I went with a group of St. Luke parishioners to Altars of Repose set up throughout downtown Indianapolis. It was an amazing experience that Jesus provided for me. Good Friday was just as beautiful in an entirely different way. The Church was dark that afternoon. It was somber. I couldn’t help but think of what it was like at the foot of the cross the fateful day Jesus gave his life for us. If Mary could watch her son die such a violent death and still live a life dedicated to God, I could at least try a little harder.

Easter Vigil arrived the following evening. I was finally to the night for which my entire life had been lived. I was going to be Catholic. My family and loved ones were there to witness my new birth. I was baptized. Despite all of my mistakes, I was sin free. Granted, it didn’t last long. Thank God for confession! I was confirmed and received our Lord in the Holy Eucharist. I was a member of the one body of Christ.

I longed for Easter Vigil so I could be done becoming Catholic. It took going through that evening and the next few weeks to realize that I would not be done in this lifetime. Being Catholic is a lot of work. It’s more work than becoming Catholic. Thankfully, God has provided all of the tools I need to be the best person I can.

[nicolep]

I thank God everyday that he knows what is best for me. He knew that even one changed event in my life would have lead me to be a different person. At the end of the day, I’m very happy with the person I am. Given the opportunity, I wouldn’t change anything. Everything that happened, lead me to Christ….lead me to this day. It all nurtured a seed planted long ago. I would be nothing if it weren’t for God’s constant presence. It was always there even when I couldn’t see. I felt as though I walked alone, but God with his infinite love was there guiding me. No matter what trials await me, I will have Him and I will be loved.

Luke 22:42 – saying, "Father, if you are willing, take this cup away from me; still, not my will but yours be done."

[Dominicsmom]

Dear Nicole,

What an inspirational story to say the least...I am in awe. So sorry your little Saint Xavier is not here in your arms. Our sons are together in heaven and are being taken care of. I hope that this forum becomes more active. I'm on another online support group and am tentative to talk about my Catholic faith. I've been praying for a place for me to share my story of how losing my son has brought me closer to God and to the Blessed Mother.

Thank you for sharing your story,
Donna

[nicolep]

Originally Posted by Dominicsmom

Dear Nicole,

What an inspirational story to say the least...I am in awe. So sorry your little Saint Xavier is not here in your arms. Our sons are together in heaven and are being taken care of. I hope that this forum becomes more active. I'm on another online support group and am tentative to talk about my Catholic faith. I've been praying for a place for me to share my story of how losing my son has brought me closer to God and to the Blessed Mother.

Thank you for sharing your story,
Donna

Thank you.

I also hope that this forum picks up. I agree that having a place to share our grief and our faith would be a God-send. I pray you're having a peaceful day.

[Dominicsmom]

Originally Posted by nicolep

Thank you.

I also hope that this forum picks up. I agree that having a place to share our grief and our faith would be a God-send. I pray you're having a peaceful day.

I am also a member of MISS Foundation and posted the link to this site so hopefully more people will post messages.

Take care,
Donna

[wanner47]

nicole, your story made me cry. Thank you for sharing it.

[nicolep]

Thank you all for your kind words.