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  #31  
Old May 26, '09, 7:13 pm
quiet52 quiet52 is offline
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Default Re: Confronting my husband and his girlfriend

Your husband is playing you with his pity parties. He's manipulating you. It's likely he has similar pity parties with his girlfriend. That she wants to meet with you may indicate she has a firm belief that the marriage is irreconcilable, and that it's inevitable that she and your husband will eventually marry -- so, she wants to be "friends" with you from the get go to make it easier on herself and your husband. Ignore her at this time. You need to protect your interests and your children's interests for now.

I hope you have a separation and maintenance agreement in place. I hope you've met with an attorney, to protect all assets, not just for your sake, but for your children's. Do NOT trust anything your husband says. Feigned penitence, feigned self-recrimination, feigned assurance that he'll never harm you and the children, are useful tools for cheating spouses, to keep the innocent spouses at bay. Protect your assets before he hides them from you. I may be 100% wrong, but do this anyway, just in case.

Keep praying for yourself, your children, AND for your spouse. But don't enable his sinful behaviors. If you're able to, see a counselor to help you be assertive and to deal with your grief.

Perhaps he will come around and seek sincere reconciliation with you. But that should completely be his doing, without you making any compromises in the process. Do not give your husband the benefit of any doubt at this point. You should not let him return to the family home until you know with certainty that he has completely broken off the relationship with his girlfriend that that he has undergone a lengthy course of therapy. You must safeguard your emotional and material needs for the sake of your children.
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  #32  
Old May 26, '09, 8:41 pm
Ailina Ailina is offline
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Default Re: Confronting my husband and his girlfriend

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Originally Posted by HazelEyes View Post
I am recently separated from my husband of 12 years. We have a been separate a little over a year. We have three children. The separation is the result of an ongoing affair. I was informed right before Easter that he has a new girlfriend, she called to introduce herself and to invite me to lunch. I was shocked and floored by her boldness. She thought it was time that we meet. I have avoided meeting the girlfriend and have informed my husband that I have no intention of meeting her, and asked that she never call me again. She has continued to contact me. I have complete custody of the children. The only time he spends time with them is when he comes to my home. The girlfriend recently called me again saying that is time that we meet and that she had a gift for my daughter and she let me know that they are now living together. I have become outraged by the way both of them are handeling this. Despite our separation my husband and I have been very cordial in the co-parenting of our children. The girlfriend is ready to be a part of my children's life. We have filed for divorce. We have not yet talked with the children about the finality of our relationship. Because I have to learn of my husband's tantics from his girlfriend and I feel as though they have no regard for my feelings and the well being of our children, I no longer what to ever see my husband. It is too painful. I don't know what to do about the kids and how to handle visitation with their dad. I'm not ready for them to meet his girlfriend and I am sure it would be too much of a shock for them too. My children's ages are 12,10 and 5. I don't know what to do. Any advice?
Ouch. My ex has a girlfriend too, and I have absolutely no desire to meet her. Or any of his other girlfriends (yes, he probably does have others, and his girlfriend #1 is okay with that). I would either: A) Want to punch the girlfriend in the face (yes, I know, not Catholic of me, but that is my gut instinct, and I am not a violent person at all, normally) ; or B) Become a complete emotional mess, and completely humiliate myself (more than I have been already, because this whole business is so flipping humiliating).

The nerve of her to ask you to meet. Eek! You have every right to refuse until you are ready emotionally. You have the right to get a restraining order if she continues to insist on contacting you. I would keep the kids away from her as long as possible, espeically considering their ages.
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  #33  
Old May 26, '09, 8:42 pm
HazelEyes HazelEyes is offline
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Default Re: Confronting my husband and his girlfriend

Look at it from his point of view, he's got the best of it, here. He gets to do AS LITTLE as possible and reap all the "benefits". He's got the history w/you to use to manipulate you into "keeping him from falling", like you said; he's got her to lust after, and he's got his children, whom he can see whenever he wants, and he gets to be the "good guy" with them. I mean, I'm getting this visual, fair or not, of him sitting back in the 'ol lazy boy just watchin' the show....heh-heh..let them (you and the g/f) fight it out....At what point did you dealing with "the other woman" become YOUR wifely responsibility?!


You are seeing this very clearly. This is exactly what the situation has turned into. All for me trying to keep whatever form of normal in tack. She doesn't like the fact that we still do things as a family. She is upset that she gets left out of the event. So she then contacts me before a major event to throw me off my rocker. Like the day my kids were baptisted. Before my daughter's birthday party. He definitely needs to grow up.
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  #34  
Old May 26, '09, 8:50 pm
whatevergirl whatevergirl is offline
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Default Re: Confronting my husband and his girlfriend

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Originally Posted by HazelEyes View Post
Look at it from his point of view, he's got the best of it, here. He gets to do AS LITTLE as possible and reap all the "benefits". He's got the history w/you to use to manipulate you into "keeping him from falling", like you said; he's got her to lust after, and he's got his children, whom he can see whenever he wants, and he gets to be the "good guy" with them. I mean, I'm getting this visual, fair or not, of him sitting back in the 'ol lazy boy just watchin' the show....heh-heh..let them (you and the g/f) fight it out....At what point did you dealing with "the other woman" become YOUR wifely responsibility?!


You are seeing this very clearly. This is exactly what the situation has turned into. All for me trying to keep whatever form of normal in tack. She doesn't like the fact that we still do things as a family. She is upset that she gets left out of the event. So she then contacts me before a major event to throw me off my rocker. Like the day my kids were baptisted. Before my daughter's birthday party. He definitely needs to grow up.

Maybe disconnect your phone, and get your own cell phone, if nothing else. Truthfully, she sounds scary. Creepy scary, like Fatal Attraction scary. Be careful. Protect yourself. If she keeps it up, I'd get the restraining order. Your husband has to make a choice. Can't have it both ways...can't be married, and date other women. You have been more than patient, and I will be praying for you.
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  #35  
Old May 26, '09, 8:52 pm
HazelEyes HazelEyes is offline
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Default Re: Confronting my husband and his girlfriend

This is the umpteenth time I am hearing stories like this. This is where too much freedom becomes a nuisance. Everything seen on media just has to become acceptable…, oh my foot, it does! I can’t understand how these home-wreckers do this, and not think there will ever be repercussion for their actions. Do unto others as you want done to yourself, right? Does she want the same thing to happen to her? Idiot![/quote]

I am right there with you. It saddens my heart the level of moral neglect that goes on in our society. There is such a lack of a moral conscience. The younger generation has become desenitized to their own actions. They feel as if they are better. I know she thinks she is better than me and that she can do things better than me. The funny and sad part in the little 20% of what she is able to do better, she can only do that because she has no kids, and very little responsiblity. I have gotten advice on retailiation. I always say no way. I don't want it coming back at me. When it comes back at them, it will be just what they need for a wake up call. In the meantime, everyone is right, I have my kids to worry about. They are my jewels and my gems. They are some great kids.
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  #36  
Old May 26, '09, 8:52 pm
Liberanosamalo Liberanosamalo is offline
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Default Re: Confronting my husband and his girlfriend

Ooh, this is new information. Puts a whole new light on things.

Sounds like he's found himself a real winner.

Don't worry. She'll end up making him miss you! She sounds like she's one sandwich shy of a full picnic basket. Two words: Caller ID.
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  #37  
Old May 27, '09, 5:31 am
hurtandhealing hurtandhealing is offline
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Default Re: Confronting my husband and his girlfriend

HazelEyes,

God is and will bless you in all of this. I am not taking anything away from the advice you've been given here - it is all wonderful. I do, though, have a different perspective.

I am at the one year anniversary of finding out about my husband's affair (of 7 months) and his ending the affair. The first week and a half after he ended it was the most difficult. We learned a lot through it and since then. He entered the affair while in the midst of severe depression, and she became his anti-depressant. When he ended it, he had horrible withdrawal symptoms. He couldn't stand the woman, but he couldn't get her out of his mind. I have learned that, on average, involved spouses return to the affair partner 3 times. It was after his third attempt to contact her that he came to his senses.

I say this because, it is possible that your husband is addicted to this woman. Is he willing to go to counseling? I highly recommend contacting www.affairrecovery.com. They have a weekend course that is supposed to be wonderful. And their program for the betrayed spouses is excellent (no matter what happends in your marriage).

This, of course, doesn't mean that you do not need to protect yourself and your children. Some of my worst memories are the ones of the times that my daughter and I spent with my husband's whore. It is much too involved to go into here, but he was afraid to tell her "no" when she wanted to do things with us. I am disgusted and sick over the contact she had with us. I truly had no idea (at the time) what she was about.

Please, do not take her calls or have any contact with her. And definitely don't allow her to contact your children. You can definitely put in your separation agreement that she is to have no contact with the children. She obviously doesn't care a fig about them. If she did, she would leave their father alone. Your lawyer can also advise you to how you should handle further contacts.

I am curious about what your husband has to say about her calls. I can't imagine that he thinks it is good. I wonder why he is allowing it. Might she be threatening him in some way?

I don't know if this is helpful in any way. Please feel free to PM me at any time.
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  #38  
Old May 27, '09, 6:26 am
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tampagrl tampagrl is offline
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Default Re: Confronting my husband and his girlfriend

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Originally Posted by hurtandhealing View Post
.... Some of my worst memories are the ones of the times that my daughter and I spent with my husband's whore. ..... but he was afraid to tell her "no" when she wanted to do things with us. I am disgusted and sick over the contact she had with us.
That is sickening. I'm so sorry you and your daughter endured that. And just like you, HazelEyes should never have to go through that. As if the affair wasn't enough to deal with...

HazelEyes, it sounds like your' "husband" is either afraid of putting his foot down regarding this woman's behavior -OR- what I suspect is more likely, is that he doesn't care. Why should he have to do that work when it's clear the g/f is taking the lead? Like I mentioned b/f - he's getting the benefit of doing as little as possible in all of this. I mean, if he's gonna carry on like this and rip his family apart, he should at least MAN UP and own it. He's letting this woman do this to your family, and I wouldn't put up with it for another nano-second.

I would have a hard time doing things as a family w/him, but that's a way more complicated issue, and one that only you can make that determination for your family. I had to laugh at her "not liking it" when you do things together as family....I mean, really.

Another thought I had is that is it possible that your husband is using you and your family time as a way of manipulating the g/f? Let's say they have a fight, and trust me, they're having fights about this, isn't it plausible that he could tell her, "oh yeah, well, I'll just go spend time w/my family!" How ticked would she be then? There's gonna come a point where someone's gonna have to be the grown up here. Sadly, that person is probably going to be you. But at this point, it sounds like you're the only one that's thinking about the effects of all of this on your children. I would keep her waaaay far away from your children and again, you should have ZERO contact w/her. Eventually, though, You're going to have to draw the line in the sand. He shouldn't be allowed to continue in this fashion - NO way.
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  #39  
Old May 27, '09, 6:46 am
HazelEyes HazelEyes is offline
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Default Re: Confronting my husband and his girlfriend

I say this because, it is possible that your husband is addicted to this woman. Is he willing to go to counseling? I highly recommend contacting www.affairrecovery.com. They have a weekend course that is supposed to be wonderful. And their program for the betrayed spouses is excellent (no matter what happends in your marriage).

Hurtandhealing,
Thank you for the website. I will definitely check it out. He refusing counseling. I will approach him again with it. No matter which way this goes we as a family will need it for further growth and development. The addiction is real. He probably instigates the fights for the make up. Part of the pattern. Part of the manipulation.
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  #40  
Old May 27, '09, 7:07 am
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Default Re: Confronting my husband and his girlfriend

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Originally Posted by Liberanosamalo View Post
Don't worry. She'll end up making him miss you! She sounds like she's one sandwich shy of a full picnic basket. Two words: Caller ID.

Her "hubands girlfriend" should keep in mind the old adage "When a man leaves his wife to marry his mistress he creates an opening in both positions".
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  #41  
Old May 27, '09, 7:11 am
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graceandglory graceandglory is offline
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Default Re: Confronting my husband and his girlfriend

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Originally Posted by HazelEyes View Post
I am recently separated from my husband of 12 years. We have a been separate a little over a year. We have three children. The separation is the result of an ongoing affair. I was informed right before Easter that he has a new girlfriend, she called to introduce herself and to invite me to lunch. ...

My children's ages are 12,10 and 5. I don't know what to do. Any advice?
Check these good people out.

www.beginningexperience.org
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  #42  
Old May 27, '09, 7:41 am
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Norseman82 Norseman82 is offline
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Default Re: Confronting my husband and his girlfriend

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Too bad we all don't live closer...we could ALL meet her for lunch.
You ladies can meet for lunch....us men will bring the 16 oz gloves and take the adultering husband to the ring to have a "conversation" with him and see if he can see the "light".
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  #43  
Old May 27, '09, 8:24 am
whatevergirl whatevergirl is offline
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Default Re: Confronting my husband and his girlfriend

norseman!
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  #44  
Old May 27, '09, 11:29 am
stringbeanduck stringbeanduck is offline
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Default Re: Confronting my husband and his girlfriend

Tell you what, I told my dad he had to choose between his family and the woman. Personally I don't think you should let him have both his kids and the woman.He should decide what is more important in life. My dad tried to do that I said, no, never going to happen.
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  #45  
Old May 27, '09, 11:59 am
daeve daeve is offline
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Default Re: Confronting my husband and his girlfriend

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You absolutely must get a divorce lawyer immediately. Most judges will not tolerate letting the children see an adulterous affair in the works. All other things being equal, this could lead to you getting primary physical custody, with some sort of order to the effect that she not be present during his visitation with the kids.

That will change, of course, once the divorce is final, because the civil law recognizes divorce and remarriage. But the primary physical custody might remain with you.

It's all hypothetical, of course, but a lawyer could really help out here.

As for the mistress calling you, if you don't want to go the legal route with her, you might consider asking the telephone company to block her calls. Their tariffs prohibit harassing phone calls, and this is one situation that might invoke their procedures.

But, please, get a lawyer. The majority of most lawyers' time is taken up by cases that would've been a lot less expensive and a lot more predictable (and probably more favorable, too) if only the client had gone to the lawyer before anything happened. If you're going through a divorce, you need a lawyer. Now.

That was not my experience. When he wanted to take the boys (8 and 9 1/2) to Disney World with the girlfriend along before anyone even filed for divorce, I said no. He was in the process of getting a court order, when my lawyer convinced me that fighting it would only cost me money I didn't have and he'd win. He did take them, but she didn't go. That may have been the only time in the 30 some years I've known him that he gave in on anything and I'm still in shock.

I would, however, get a lawyer right away even if you're still considering reconsiliation. You need to protect your assets and get a court to define his responsibilities when it comes to support. I'll pray for you and your kids, and even for "them". Best wishes for you all.
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