Good clean Laughs thread.

[Christina009]

A well known business man wanted to open a store near the wailing wall in Jeruselum.When asked the name of this little market. He said,"
I think I'll call it,"Wall Mart".

[OurLady01]

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
Jimmy Durante

[bwhite06517]

Some plane jokes:

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'

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Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'

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Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the left wing -and if you can light 'em, -then you can smoke 'em.'

[stbruno]

Tiger Woods has a new nickname, it's not Tiger anymore.
He's known as Cheetah!

[KyivAndrew]

Which country has the worst stadiums for watching sports events?

Poland, because no matter where you sit, you're behind a pole.

[OurLady01]

"Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!"
Short Funny Quote by, Rita Rudner.

[LRThunder]

Three men were scheduled to be executed by firing squad. The first man was led out, placed against the wall, and the guards took aim. The condemned man yelled, "Tornado!" The guards took cover, and in the confusion the man escaped.

The next man was led out shortly afterward, and was placed against the wall. As the guards took aim, the second man yelled, "Lightning!" The guards took cover, and like the first man, the second man used the confusion to escape.

Finally, the third man was led out and placed against the wall. As the guards took aim, he yelled out, "FIRE!"

[OurLady01]

If you can't afford a doctor, go to an airport - you'll get a free x-ray and a breast exam, and; if you mention Al Qaeda, you'll get a free colonoscopy.

[fieldsparrow]

Originally Posted by Zundrah

Knock, knock.,

Who's there?

Doctor!

Doctor who?
......

Originally Posted by DonLeon

An elderly husband and wife couple strode into a McDonalds one day. The husband ordered a hamburger meal, recieved it and, with his wife, sat down at a table. He then
proceded to cut the hamburger in half, giving one half to his wife. He then counted out the french fries and gave exactly half to his wife, They both shared the drink. He then proceeded to eat his half of the hamburger and fries while his wife sat there watching.
Meanwhile, a young man watched the whole procedure. Feeling sorry for the couple he offered to buy them another meal. "No, thank you" said the old man, "we're fine", and
continued eating. The young man, looking at the wife, asked "Is anything wrong,ma'm?
You're not eating. "Everything's fine, young man", said the woman,." I'm just waiting for the teeth!!"


(OK, so it's a groaner. What do you want, Red Skelton?)


PAX DOMINI

Shalom Aleichem

Originally Posted by Ghoti

Discovered in the ruins of the Parthenon, the world's oldest joke:

A man walks into a tailor shop with his robes.

Tailor: Euripides?

Man: [nods] Eumenides?

Originally Posted by bwhite06517

...

GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you are in charge of the Arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: 'Dumb and Dumber', Lord, it's a story about...

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis. "

So Phineas Gage walks into a bar....

[OurLady01]

There is a Wisdom of the Heart and a Wisdom of the Brain**Combine the two and you will achieve Harmony

[OurLady01]

Priests and monks: If TSA asks you what you have in your carry on, don’t tell them “a missal.”

[Joe Kelley]

Originally Posted by OurLady01

Priests and monks: If TSA asks you what you have in your carry on, don’t tell them “a missal.”

I once worked in an area where no electronic transmissions were allowed. One morning we came in to find the guard surrounded by the morning newspapers. When asked, he didn't know why but someone told him to collect all the pages; so he was taking all the newspapers. Further investigation showed that he had been told to collect pagers, not pages.

[OurLady01]

“A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.”