The Joke Thread

bacon man · #1 Jun 15, '09, 10:16 pm

This thread is for jokes. (of course) Heres some.

You know what sucks? A vaccum.

Two Peanuts walk into a bar, One was assaulted.

"Im gonna punch you in the face! Right nnnever."

Thats all i've got, i'm sure you all have better ones.

Eucharisted · #2 Jun 16, '09, 1:49 am

What do you get when you cross a dragon and a wolf?
A wagon!

Why did the sucker cross the road?
Because it was stuck to the chicken!

How many licks dose it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?
As many as it takes!

What's the difference between a vacuum and primordial creation?
Nothing!

churchsecretary · #3 Jun 17, '09, 9:48 am

Three priests were driving down the road when they missed a turn and the car ended up in a ditch. As they pulled themselves together, an inebriated man was staggering by and asked if they were all right. "Oh, yes, Jesus is with us," one of the priests replied. The man thought for a moment, and said, "Well, you'd better let him come with me. He's not safe with you!"

**LRThunder** · #4 Jun 17, '09, 10:53 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by churchsecretary

Three priests were driving down the road when they missed a turn and the car ended up in a ditch. As they pulled themselves together, an inebriated man was staggering by and asked if they were all right. "Oh, yes, Jesus is with us," one of the priests replied. The man thought for a moment, and said, "Well, you'd better let him come with me. He's not safe with you!"

mslanatv · #5 Jun 18, '09, 9:28 pm

An athiest is walking in the woods when a giant grizzly bear attacks him. The bear is on top of him when the man cries out " God help me". Time stops and a voice booms down from the heavens " My son, you denied me all these years and now when you are most in need you cry out to me for help". The man replies " You are right, but could you at least make the bear a Christian?". Time resumes and the bear pauses, puts his paws together and says "Lord bless this food which I am about to eat".

RDJ · #6 Jun 18, '09, 10:09 pm

:

Quote:

Originally Posted by mslanatv

An athiest is walking in the woods when a giant grizzly bear attacks him. The bear is on top of him when the man cries out " God help me". Time stops and a voice booms down from the heavens " My son, you denied me all these years and now when you are most in need you cry out to me for help". The man replies " You are right, but could you at least make the bear a Christian?". Time resumes and the bear pauses, puts his paws together and says "Lord bless this food which I am about to eat".

I've heard this joke before, but it makes me crack up every time.

churchsecretary · #7 Jun 22, '09, 12:21 pm

Another oldie but goodie:

After the baptism of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys."

**Catherine S.** · #8 Jun 22, '09, 12:26 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by churchsecretary

Another oldie but goodie:

After the baptism of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys."

!! !!

churchsecretary · #9 Jun 24, '09, 10:36 am

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son

John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

SHW · #10 Jun 30, '09, 2:59 am

With the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, being so high, Texas is planning to do one entitled, "Survivor, Texas Style."

The contestants will all start in Dallas , then drive to Waco , Austin , San Antonio , over to Houston and down to Brownsville . They will then proceed up to Del Rio , El Paso , Midland , Odessa , Lubbock and Amarillo . From there they will go on to Abilene , Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas .

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read: "I'm Gay," "I Love the Dixie Chicks," "Boycott Beef," "I Voted for Obama," "George Strait Sucks," "Hillary in 2012" and "I'm here to confiscate your guns."

The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

SHW · #11 Jun 30, '09, 3:53 pm

Strange Statistics - Guns vs. Doctors

Doctors

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.

(B) The number of accidental deaths caused by physicians per year are 120,000.

(C) The number of accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

Guns

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million.)

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.

(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188.

Statistics courtesy of FBI

SO, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'

Fact: Not everyone has a gun, but almost everyone has at least one doctor.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.

We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand.

Out of concern for the public at large, we withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.

SHW · #12 Jun 30, '09, 4:21 pm

Sort-of-patriotic Groaners

Use at your 4th of July party at your own risk.

Q. What would you get if you crossed the first signer of the Declaration of Independence with a rooster?
A. John Hancock-a-doodle-doo!

Q. What quacks, has webbed feet, and betrays his country?
A. Beneduck Arnold!

Q. What protest by a group of dogs occurred in 1773?
A. The Boston Flea Party!

Q. What happened as a result of the Stamp Act?
A. The Americans licked the British!

Q. Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
A. Because the horse was too heavy to carry!

Q. Why did the British cross the Atlantic?
A. To get to the other tide!

Q. What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small curly-haired dog?
A. Yankee Poodle!

Q. Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
A. Yeah, it cracked me up!

Q. What did one flag say to the other flag?
A. Nothing. It just waved!

Q. What's red, white, blue, and gross?
A. Uncle Spam!

Q. What's red, white, black and blue?
A. Uncle Sam falling down the steps!

Q. Where did George Washington buy his hatchet?
A. At the chopping mall!

Q. What kind of tea did the American colonists like most?
A. Liberty!

Q. Which colonists told the most jokes?
A. Punsylvanians!

Q. What would you get if you crossed Washington's home with nasty insects?
A. Mt. Vermin!

Q. Which one of Washington's officers had the best sense of humour?
A. Laughayette!

Q. What did King George think of the American colonists?
A. He thought they were revolting!

Q. Why were the early American settlers like ants?
A. Because they lived in colonies.

Jacobus · #13 Jun 30, '09, 4:37 pm

As a special favor to the founders of the Dominican, Franciscan, and Jesuit orders, God brought St Dominic, St Francis, and St Ignatius Loyola back in time to the Nativity in the stable in Bethlehem.

When St Dominic and St Francis beheld the Christ Child in the manger, they fell to their knees in ecstasy and joyfully adored the Baby Jesus.

St Ignatius took St Joseph aside and asked him, "Have you given any thought to the Boy's education?"

Don Schneider · #14 Jul 2, '09, 10:41 am

In case any object to ethnic humor, I first heard this from a Jewish comedian. I thought it was hysterical…

Mrs. Rosenblum is distraught because her son is going to marry a Christian and become one himself. She tells her tale of woe to a friend who responds, “Funny you should come to me. My Abby too! He married a goya and became a Christian. I don’t know what to do either. Go see Rabbi Shapiro. “

Rabbi Shapiro commiserates with Mrs. Rosenbum, but alas can offer no comfort. He advises her, “Funny you should come to me. My Bernie too! He converted to Christianity. I don’t know what to tell you but to pray to God.”

Finally, Mrs. Rosenblum goes to the synagogue and pours her heart out to the Lord. “Oh, Lord,” she cries, “my son is becoming a Christian!”

Suddenly, she hears a booming, distraught voice from overhead:

“Funny you should come to me.”