Suffering in Silence from School Bullying

[Don Schneider]

I have a website devoted to the subject of school bullying, among other topics. Prior to that, I had written a thinly-veiled personal childhood memoir of my days in parochial school which is set at age twelve just after sixth grade. It was originally written on an impulse as a personal catharsis. However, after I read a wire service news story of a thirteen-year-old boy who had taken his own life after years of suffering bullying in school, I decided I had to try to have it published.

It was eventually accepted on a free access internet publication. Recently, a professional Hollywood screenwriter said he seriously considered adapting it into a TV production, but decided against it for various potential casting and production problems. He did, however, kindly forward it to a friend of his who is a reader/editor at a major publishing house which publishes short stories anthologies. I do not mention this to “brag,” only to let it be known that it is not junk because it was published on the internet, even it never gets published in print.

The story takes an hour to read, and I realize that not everyone, particularly parents of school age kids, has that kind of time right now. Although you are certainly welcome to read it, I just wanted to share its message with you now.

I was the victim of severe school bullying (and yes, in a “Christian” school) as a kid. To the day they died, my parents never had a clue about my problems. They actually thought I had been popular. (We all know how unbiased parents are.) For many years, I had actually thought that the reason why I never told my parents had been some personal idiosyncratic response on my part. It never occurred to me that other kids in my situation then might react the same way now and always.

Therefore, after reading the wire service story about the child suicide, I began investigating the matter online. I was amazed to find that according to statistics cited by a state anti-bullying program, 54% of all kids do not tell anyone about their plights in school, and for the same reason I had not. That reason is not, as one might expect, fear of retaliation. Rather, it is pride. Kids are often simply too ashamed to acknowledge that they have been singled out for such abuse and that nothing they have tried has worked to stop it.

Times have changed greatly from my day when the phenomenon of child suicide seemed unthinkable; the days before the term “bullycide” was ever formulated. Thus, this characteristic of kids unnecessarily suffering in silence is outright dangerous.

Parents, please do not just assume that because your kids never mention any problems regarding bullying in school that such problems can’t exist. In most cases, they won’t. But in the minority of cases where they do, acting preemptively might just avert a tragedy.

You might well be astonished to learn what an accomplished child actor your son or daughter has learned to become; how the instant smile appears right on cue the moment he or she comes through the door after school.

On my website, I have links to lots of sites dealing with the subject of school bullying, and I have reviewed the inexpensive book Bullyproof Your Child for Life, by Dr. Joel Haber, a clinical psychologist. It’s important to learn to look for warning signs, and within Dr. Haber’s book, he suggests ways to tactfully approach your youngsters with such concerns to get them to open up to you and to avoid their pat answer of “Fine” whenever you ask about school.

I have no association with Dr. Haber and do not benefit from recommending his book. Both my short story and personal website are free access.

Don Schneider

[smallcat]

I haven't read your work yet, but thank you for your post. I was bullied as a child (not physically, thank God, but verbally/emotionally) and, just like you, my parents had no idea what was going on. Because I was getting good grades and did have a few friends, they thought I enjoyed school. I didn't tell them because I was embarrassed to talk about it and because I knew they would go to the teachers and principal, which I feared would make me even more a target of the bullies. It's one of the reasons my DH and I decided to homeschool our kids!

[Don Schneider]

Dear Smallcat:

Thank you.

In my case, it pains me to now think in retrospect that had I only told my parents then all that would have been necessary would have been to ask the school to change my room from the one I was in for three years to another room (there were four for each grade) in which all my neighborhood friends were in. It almost seems like a conspiracy (not really) that I had always been the odd kid out; that I alone was put into a different room than all my friends.

I have an article about home schooling on my website, if you are interested. It links to a site for parents interested in the subject. I’m sure that you are probably already aware of it, though.

Home schooling is just one option of many available for parents with such kids. In any event, do something! No kid should ever have to come to dread and despise the very sound of the voice of the one he or she is closest to in the entire world—his or her own mother—because it signals the beginning of another day in school; another day in his or her personal Purgatory.

[Ed Montgomery]

God Bless you Don Schneider; God Bless you indeed.
I have witnessed bullying among all of my peers and of myself. I am a Sophomore at a catholic local high school. In all honesty, my high school really doesn't have much bullying what so ever being there are only about 500 kids if that. BUT, the high school right next door that holds 5000 kids sure have a lot of bullying. I used to get bullied about my weight all grades 3 - 6. I finally got sick of it and got to the weights and turned my excess weight into muscle; but I am still a big kid. I turned around and bullied the bullies. I would not allow a bully in my sight to ridicule any innocent kid. Of course in the end I should have never fought fire with fire, but still my anger gets the best of me. I agree 100% with the pride. Kids these days just will not admit to their parents they are being bullied. I STRONGLY STRONGLY urge you to find your local YGD (Youth Group Director) and ask to give a speech to your parish's youth. I'm sure all those kids would benefit knowing there is someone to talk to and it's okay to admit it. I am so glad that you yourself were willing to put your story out there.
God Bless
Ed

[Don Schneider]

Dear Ed,

I must say that that is the nicest and most meaningful post I have ever had directed towards me from anyone in all my many years of posting on forums. Thank you very much, young man!

I commend you for not only taking measures (the Charles Atlas approach—before your time, so you probably won’t recognize the reference) to defend yourself from bullying, but also for using your strength (both physical and moral!) to watch out for other kids as well. You are an inspiration and a credit to your parents. Thank you very much on behalf of all of us, past, present and future.

Also, as I mentioned in passing to another young poster around your age, it’s great that such a young Catholic as you would have a sufficient interest in our faith to read and post here. That too is most commendable.

In regard to your kind suggestion, I’m afraid I’m not much of a public speaker. However, there is a great man named John Halligan who does precisely that. He feels so strongly about this issue that he recently left his position as an executive with IBM for many years in order to travel North America giving lectures at schools during the school year. He also lobbies for anti-bullying legislation on the state level and has met with a measure of success. He has also made several major media appearances.

He too warns about the danger of kids keeping quiet about being bullied, as you can read just from the introduction on his website. You see, Ed, such measures are tragically too late for his own son Ryan, who took his own life about six years ago after having suffered years of bullying in school. He is just one of several kids with similar stories.

I posted this on another note, but if you (and all, especially parents) didn’t see this please take a few minutes to read his story and view the short video his dad created. It is truly heart wrenching.

Ryan Patrick Halligan (one of us, as one would guess by his name), was all of thirteen:

http://www.ryanpatrickhalligan.org/

If any reading this note are teachers, school administrators or active in PTA, please urge your school to invite Mr. Halligan to speak. You can consult his schedule for the 2009-2010 school year at his website and contact him there as well. Please note that I have no association with him and this recommendation is gratuitous on my part.

Thanks again, Ed. Your post was encouraging and inspirational. If only more kids had your brains, courage and, most of all, heart!

Very best regards...and may God bless your family and you mightily as well!

Don Schneider

[Ed Montgomery]

Dear Don:
No problem my good friend! Thank you for the compliments! Also -being my "social butterfly" kind of self- I still encourage you to talk to your youth. Now of course meeting up with some young kids coming right out of school would be total sketch (sketch is slang for shady/stalkerish) I will still try to tell you to get together with your parish's YGD. A lot of times the youth group meetings have a backbone or "theme" to them, then there is the main talk.
You could get together with your YGD and have him give the talk, inform him with what you are all about! I'm almost positive he would gladly accept (and if he doesn't give me his number and I will shoot him a call. ) You could just be in the back of the meeting there to offer answers to questions after the meeting, or even a little one on one if a youth asks for it. Please consider it, for your community sake. I'll be praying for you.
Ed

[Don Schneider]

I just wanted to thank the many here who visited my website to investigate my (free) short story “Pride’s Prison,” regarding the effects of school bullying upon youngsters, especially middle school aged ones. I have recently commissioned an artist to draw some pencil sketches as illustrations (four at first) which I hope to have up either at my website or his within a month or so.

The purpose of the story is to warn parents that they might have no idea that their youngsters are suffering (sometimes grievously) bullying in school and to answer the question why they don’t know. It is, of course, not necessary to read my story for me to tell you that the reason is that kids often feel so ashamed that the desperately seek to hide it from others, including, and especially, their families.

However, reading my story will give the reader an intimate account of one such youngster and hopefully enable one to fully understand the depth of the anguish such kids feel. It is that very degree of anguish and resulting despair that has prompted kids like Ryan Halligan (age 13) to have taken his own life rather than having been willing to have asked his (very good and loving) parents for help.

Always remember this: Time is not the same for kids as it is for us. To them, time seems to “flow” much more slowly. They can’t emotionally grasp that their present troubles are transient. To them, it seems like their own personal Purgatories will endure for eternity. Thus, their sometimes desperate and most tragic reactions.

As Ed Montgomery, one of the most thoughtful and considerate youngsters I have yet encountered anyway, noted here on this forum, this phenomenon of kids seeking to hide bullying is timeless. It is as present now as it had been in my day. Thus, the warning to parents. You do not and cannot see your children objectively. You cannot fully see them as others do, especially as other kids do. The reason for that is obvious.

Thanks to all again.

[mesurman]

School sucks for most kids (even private Catholic Schools). You must teach your kids to be strong and resilient. You must teach them not to take **** from anybody and to stand up for themselves, physicaly if necessary. My Dad, a career Marine, taught me to never start a fight but to finish one if I had to. I carry that to this day. I do not give any guff to anyone and I do not take any guff from anyone and I teach my kids the same.

Sorry for your suffering. Hope all is well.

[petitfleur]

I wasnt bullied only by students but by teachers too! This was at a Catholic school too. I think its a miricle that I am a convert at all. I never told my parents becuase it never occured to me to say anything about what my teachers and fellow students said to me. I think a great advantage to public school is that in most cases the school is big enough to move the kid who is being bullied aroun and away from thier abusers. A neighbor kid was bullied and he was separated from the kids and is thriving now.
Will read you story when I have a chance.

[estesbob]

Originally Posted by Don Schneider

Dear Smallcat:

Thank you.

In my case, it pains me to now think in retrospect that had I only told my parents then all that would have been necessary would have been to ask the school to change my room from the one I was in for three years to another room (there were four for each grade) in which all my neighborhood friends were in. It almost seems like a conspiracy (not really) that I had always been the odd kid out; that I alone was put into a different room than all my friends.

I have an article about home schooling on my website, if you are interested. It links to a site for parents interested in the subject. I’m sure that you are probably already aware of it, though.

Home schooling is just one option of many available for parents with such kids. In any event, do something! No kid should ever have to come to dread and despise the very sound of the voice of the one he or she is closest to in the entire world—his or her own mother—because it signals the beginning of another day in school; another day in his or her personal Purgatory.

I was not bullied in School but my youngest duaghter was. When she finally told me I was at the principals office the next day and it stopped immediately.

[Don Schneider]

Originally Posted by mesurman

School sucks for most kids (even private Catholic Schools). You must teach your kids to be strong and resilient. You must teach them not to take **** from anybody and to stand up for themselves, physicaly if necessary. My Dad, a career Marine, taught me to never start a fight but to finish one if I had to. I carry that to this day. I do not give any guff to anyone and I do not take any guff from anyone and I teach my kids the same.

Sorry for your suffering. Hope all is well.

My anti-bullying website might be termed the “right wing” of the anti-bullying movement. I have no tolerance for whining along the lines of: “They won’t let me play with them.” It is up to each person to navigate his or her way through the social world as children and adults. Kids have the same right to free association as do adults. I only argue for the right to be left alone so that a youngster might have the benefit of the education that his or her parents are paying for with tuition or taxes. I can appreciate your father’s point of view. Sadly, in life one has to sometimes fight for his or her right to even that.

If the entire damned class in that "Christian” (Catholic) school I was forced to attend had “Sent me to Coventry” (ostracized me), I would have been ecstatic! I had plenty of good friends in my neighborhood. If that had not been the case, then I would have learned to enjoy my own company. One's sense of self-esteem must never be pegged to what others think of him or her. That is the height of folly, pegging one’s sense of happiness and worth on that which one cannot control.

This does not mean that adults can’t work with a child to improve his or her social skills, a technique I advocate at my site. This includes (among other things) teaching youngsters self-defense, which I’m certain would have met with your Marine Corps dad’s approval. Unfortunately, such is not always possible and, even when possible and practical, such is usually a longer term solution. The immediate problem must be dealt with first.

[Don Schneider]

Originally Posted by petitfleur

I wasnt bullied only by students but by teachers too! This was at a Catholic school too. I think its a miricle that I am a convert at all. I never told my parents becuase it never occured to me to say anything about what my teachers and fellow students said to me. I think a great advantage to public school is that in most cases the school is big enough to move the kid who is being bullied aroun and away from thier abusers. A neighbor kid was bullied and he was separated from the kids and is thriving now.
Will read you story when I have a chance.

I can empathize with you. Within my story a “Sister Mary Peter” (named changed) is mentioned. She is the only person I have met in my life who I would call a true sadist.

When I was growing up in a largely Catholic neighborhood at the height of the baby boom era, our school was large enough for exactly that solution, and I can kick myself now for simply having been too ashamed to have told my parents. All they would have had to have done to largely end it was asking that I be transferred to the room (there were four to each grade) in which all my neighborhood friends had been in. For three years, by the luck of the draw (it seemed like a conspiracy to me then!), I alone had been placed in a room separate from all the other kids from my immediate neighborhood who I got along well with and who had been my playmates and friends.

This is what hurts me so: that so many kids suffer needlessly from bullying. If only they would say something! John Halligan makes this same point in his school lectures. At his website for his late son Ryan (who hung himself at age thirteen), he begins with: “If We Only Knew, If He Only Told Us.” For someone who has never been in that situation for any length of time, it is impossible to explain the feeling of helplessness and despair such kids feel. They just can’t bring themselves to ask for help because of the unwarranted sense of shame that it engenders. To admit to others that one is the object of such is not an easy thing to do. According to the State of Nevada’s anti-bullying program, 54% of all severely bullied kids respond as I had. And to think, for so many years I had thought such had been some personal, idiosyncratic reaction on my part. Thus, I wrote the story as a thinly-veiled personal memoir hoping it might help other youngsters suffering in silence.

[Don Schneider]

Originally Posted by estesbob

I was not bullied in School but my youngest duaghter was. When she finally told me I was at the principals office the next day and it stopped immediately.

I’m glad she finally told you, Bob. I think it is harder for boys to do so than it is for girls. I’m glad your daughter has such a good father. Thank God for that!

[estesbob]

Originally Posted by Don Schneider

I’m glad she finally told you, Bob. I think it is harder for boys to do so than it is for girls. I’m glad your daughter has such a good father. Thank God for that!

Actaully what most impressed me was the reaction of the Prinicpal. By the end of the day he had spoken to all of daughters teachers and the three offending bullies. My duaghter came home beaming and we never had a problem again.

[Don Schneider]

Dear Bob,

I’m gratified and impressed that apparently the myriad efforts to combat bullying are having an effect. That is not my end of the crusade, but more that of great men like John Halligan and many others. Mr. Halligan, for example, has campaigned successfully for anti-bullying legislation and strict anti-bullying policies in schools. My focus is more on the microscopic end of the equation. That is, trying to get parents to recognize the threat and being proactive in acting quickly if they even suspect there might be a problem with bullying in regard to their kids in school.

At my website, I recommend and endorse an inexpensive book (I receive nothing for doing so) written by a clinical psychologist named Joel Haber who has many years of experience in the field of school bullying. I was most impressed by his insights which seem right on the money to me based upon my own experiences. Among his myriad helpful suggestions is advice on how to tactfully approach one’s youngsters to try to determine if there might be a problem at school and how to avoid the pat response of “Fine” that such questioning so often engenders on the part of youngsters.

Of course, your daughter’s principal should be lauded for so quickly and effectively addressing the problem. We need more such conscientious professionals in schools!