A boy has a crush on my daughter

[sanctamaria17]

About the not appreciating part, it might not be that she doesn't appreciate it but that she feels uncomfortable.

Seriously, I have several sweet guy friends who are perfect gentlemen but at times, they really confuse girls because they'll pay and such, then the girl thinks they're dating and the guy is confused but doesn't want to hurt the girl....Or, she finds out he likes her and he's a really good guy but she doesn't like him and she feels bad that he went out of his way so much for her.......

I'll admit, I have to really like the guy and feel comfortable around him to let him do something about that. I'm usually very guarded and I want to make sure I know his intentions. And if I'm not dating him, I'd rather do it 50/50 unless it's a birthday or something because I would feel bad. So I can understand that....

[whatevergirl]

Originally Posted by dranzal

So you're daughter has drawn the interest of a genuinely good young man....What to do--you ask??

I'd think it'd be obvious....

Get that lad's parents on the phone and arrange a marriage. Quick! Before other desperate parents of pre-teen girls find out about him.

hehehe

I'm going to check back here every now and then. My own dd is 12 and is homeschooled. I hope that (in 15-20 years) she finds a nice, well-mannered Catholic young man.

right? I know! I think it's her age, and not being able to appreciate this right now. Someday, she will. I am sure your dd will find a great man someday, you are raising her right! It's not easy to raise kids to do the right things...there are a lot of temptations out there. My concern with her is that she sometimes gravitates to the 'bad boys,' not because she likes them, but because she truly wants to help them. Which is very sweet. There was a boy last year she told me about....he told her his life story...his mom was on drugs, his dad's in jail. I wanted to invite him over for dinner, as he had such an unstable life...and he really liked my daughter, just as a friend, but felt like he could trust her. Then, one day, she went to school, and that's it...he never came back. I cried about that one...very sad.

[whatevergirl]

Originally Posted by sanctamaria17

About the not appreciating part, it might not be that she doesn't appreciate it but that she feels uncomfortable.

Seriously, I have several sweet guy friends who are perfect gentlemen but at times, they really confuse girls because they'll pay and such, then the girl thinks they're dating and the guy is confused but doesn't want to hurt the girl....Or, she finds out he likes her and he's a really good guy but she doesn't like him and she feels bad that he went out of his way so much for her.......

I'll admit, I have to really like the guy and feel comfortable around him to let him do something about that. I'm usually very guarded and I want to make sure I know his intentions. And if I'm not dating him, I'd rather do it 50/50 unless it's a birthday or something because I would feel bad. So I can understand that....

You hit the nail on the head, maria! That's it...I think she likes him, as a friend...but gets the sense even at her young age, that he likes her likes her. lol (using her language) The other thing too was...she went to the school for band practice, and she said she felt like she should call me to let me know they were leaving the school to get something to eat, but she said...'I didn't want to look like a baby, though, calling my mommy. It was really confusing for me!'' Aw. But, I didn't expect her to call me for that. But, it was cute that she thought of it, though. Poor thing, she had a confusing day.

It's funny, she is very innocent...doesn't wear makeup...very modest dresser...and some of her friends, are already dating...and one of her friends' bf's gave her a diamond promise ring already. I said, 8th grade???!! Waaaay too young. My dd said...'I just think we're too young to date boys.' (that's right, you are, sweetie!)

[Huiou Theou]

I have all sons, and one 4 month old daughter -- so I am not really worrying about these things yet,,,, But my eldest would fit the description you have given regarding your dd's friend.

I know people think it rude that one would check a child's email from a friend -- but until my children are of the age of Majority I will occasionally do so. It is my duty -- to educate and to guide them until that time. I am also aware of how some people whom I counted as friends in high school were actually setting me up by sending pornography -- which as women you probably don't understand how that can affect a young man. It is not always in the man's power to choose to put those images out of their mind. That does not make a man a pervert, or anything else -- but I mean to highlight that each sex tends to believe the other feels and is affected by events in the same way -- and this is *so* false. Often even married couples do not realize the differences in the way each thinks -- and why some things are so important to a woman, and in reverse that which is important to a man.

The issues about peer pressure, even though I DISAGREED with what peers did -- led me often to make excuses. I will not allow that to happen to my sons (or daughter) -- I think it only fair to warn the child that I maintain the email and do know what goes through there and that even if I disagree with the material -- so long as it does not cross the line of pressuring them to sin/leave the faith -- I will neither punish, nor edit those files. I am the owner of the internet connection - period.

There was a young man, high-school ~19 named Vince Erhardt -- who on prom night was in a double date situation. The other couple had already planned to enjoy the physical pleasures, and essentially set Vince up with a young lady who would "introduce" him to it. Of all the things which I felt through peer-pressure, Vince was a hero to me -- when on the ride their the foreplay began, and the verbal pressure, Vince got out of the car in the rain -- chose to miss his prom -- and walked several miles home. Many others succumbed that night.

It may not seem difficult for a woman to do that (walk away)-- but having watched many men, and having been put under less but similar pressure -- this is a common and cruel habit of the amoral with the moral; and with men it can be extrodinarily difficult to resist as a temptation.

My own son, just 15, talks to girls -- and I am quite happy that their intellecual level turns him off so much. He is in the worst possible public school around thanks to my wife's temper tantrums. Poverty is a cycle in the place he is -- as is sexual usury. But I tell you, if he took a girl to get a burger; and we had given him any indication that a thank you note was in order -- he would do so regardless of his romantic feelings (or more likely the lack of them).

The thing that concerns me with respect to your daughter is two fold:
First, you are in a sense sending her mixed messages by being "impressed" by the boy -- and at the same time being negative toward her dating him.

Perhaps I will not say this in the best way -- but in peer pressure situations, often the suspicion or worry of the parent and the telling of the child of those worries can in fact CAUSE temptations that would not otherwise occur. This is especially true with boys. (eg: Do NOT tell your son that most sexual first encounters happen on prom night. That sets him up to fight a temptation which is best founght by NOT thinking about it AT ALL.) The second problem is that men and women think quite differently -- and yet react in ways that are nothing more than judging the opposite sex as if they thought and acted just as the one judging.

Rough-housing boys are one such example -- it is not necessarily the intent to control or abuse which would lead to them picking on a girl; but there is a danger that it will end up that way. Football player swat each other on the BUTT. They annoy they guy they do it to -- but it also registers in a friendly way that they cared enough to get your attention by being a "mild" pest -- as opposed to stalking, baiting, and gang brutality.

I think what is most important in your situation is to provide your daughter with some kind of unified front -- for example, she has the desire to be a helper of the unfortunate and wayward -- but she needs to understand that she is NOT to do that without actual support from you and in a way which allows her escape should things go sour. It is easy for both men and women to confuse love in later times with pity or sympathy; and marriages of that sort are, I think, among the most cruel and likely to end in abuse.

One has to know what it is to BE WELL before one can really help those who ARE SICK -- and this includes self control, the ability to choose to BE UNPITIYING and CRUEL by walking away from certain situations.

Perhaps I am more worried for your daughter than you are -- but her christian approach will be seen as easy bait by some of the seedy types; and she will become a target. I haven't many answers for you -- but I can share a bit of what men think in high-school, and likely scenarios if that would be of help.

Peace. -- And whatevergirl, I hope this time, I don't appear to be writing as strongly as our last encounter. I mean you well.
Your brother in Christ,
--Andrew.

[whatevergirl]

Huiou (Andrew), thank you for your in depth reply...wow, I appreciate this insight. We shall see what happens. I would appreciate too any 'male' insights that you might have, that you offer here. My husband offers some, but he explained too, boys and their interactions are a little different from yesteryear, when he and I were kids. I find it interesting your comment that she could be 'easy bait' by seedy types. It would be nice to not have to worry so much, right? Jesus tells us we should not worry, but ah as a parent, it can be hard. She is a trusting soul, I pray as she grows in holiness, that she grows in wisdom.

And yes, this exchange is better than our one of last year. haha Oh my gosh, glad we could wipe that slate clean. No worries. God bless you, and your dear family. (I saw your photo that you posted of them in your profile, you have a lovely family.)

[Huiou Theou]

Originally Posted by whatevergirl

Huiou (Andrew), thank you for your in depth reply...wow, I appreciate this insight. We shall see what happens. I would appreciate too any 'male' insights that you might have, that you offer here.

And yes, this exchange is better than our one of last year. haha Oh my gosh, glad we could wipe that slate clean. No worries. God bless you, and your dear family. (I saw your photo that you posted of them in your profile, you have a lovely family.)

Yes, and you don't have to answer this -- but the last you and I crossed paths -- my wife was calling me fat every time we went to bed -- In the picture you see -- I am 30 pounds heavier than I was then.... I feel GOOD being a bit heavier. Do you think I am fat? (I won't take offense either way).

The tall boy in the Red Shirt is Stephen, at 15 (just by a few days) and taller than me at 6' 3'' -- with yet another increase in foot size ... he isn't finished.

I'm sort of headed for an emotional crucifixion by the state of Oregon Monday, so I am going to be a bit rambling -- but in a way which I hope will open some vistas for you and your children -- and although these will be anxious thoughts, they are also ones that can be used to plan ahead.

I know two girls very well; I am not going to tell names but they are dear to me. call them Mary, and Martha for the sake of following my thoughts here.
Both of them are innocent, both of them Catholic -- and as beautiful as your dd, but blue eyed blond versions.

In high school, sitting with a gf I had been going steady with -- and would have married, except she left me (not the other way around) when I entered College.
Warm cuddlies with her between classes while friends who I would meet in the hall would keep describing the sexual aspects of my gf, that made my nights at home miserable. I was blind, also, to how I gave this girl status -- and I thought she loved me as much as I loved her; I have a very deep capacity for love.
But, being blinded by feelings which ought not have been provoked in the first place -- I became annoyed with friend Mary who lockered with my GF and kept warning me that she was a monster. I wish I had been able to listen -- I see you have a son, he needs to think about being able to listen to what others think of a girl's reputation. And he needs to be reminded that as he gets older, there will be MORE women he can date and that for him it gets better; Don't choose the first thing that comes along....EVER.... the younger he marries, the more likely he has a difficult road ahead.

Martha went to college, in a Sorority, and again -- the very fact that she was virgin became something of a target by the GIRLS there who would spike the punch with drugs to see if they could "loosen" her up for the boy they brought. It nearly killed her.

My BrIL has 4 girls. Martha married him, and I met and knew him a while before -- so I approved and encouraged it. They have had their problems, but the marriage is SOLID. He just bought his dream Porshe (his dad used to race them), but to his girls who are going to a catholic high-school, he makes them drive a subaru which smokes and stalls. They complain bitterly -- every one else at the school is affluent -- but the less free with money they are -- the freer from problems from pursuit by conquest oriented men is my BIL philosophy. I hope he is right -- and I bet he is.

I also helped Mary judge the boys she was around -- for I knew what they guys were like; and I would play along but warn her to get out of the way when something was coming down. I failed her though, when a blind date was arranged by her grandmother with a nice "poor" boy who wasn't getting dates. I ought to have gone with, somehow. The next day was my sister's wedding, and Mary came glassy eyed and disoriented. She had been raped.

Later, when Mary had a room mate in college who *stole* her boyfriend, I sat with her and told her -- your roomate is your BEST friend, because if she can steal him -- YOU DON"T WANT HIM. I know it hurts -- but let her get away with it, and never accept him back.

I finally came across a man that I liked enough to encourage Mary to date -- seriously. He was from Germany, but I could see what he was like inside as a man -- she married him, moved to germany, and because of the earlier rape and postpartum depression; she accused him of sodomizing her, the children etc.
These were all proved false medically by examination, and she began treatment -- but I was right about the man; He has stood by her to this day, and loves her dearly although he is afraid of another child because she relapses each time.
Most any other man would have divorced and run. She appreciates his love now more than I think it could be possible for a woman to do without witnessing it.

You have one boy and one Girl; They need to look out for each other -- that is, your son is the one who will tell you (hopefully) the groups with the raunchiest language, humor, and crudity. Birds of a feather flock together.

And it is your daughter who can warn your son about whom is after status, or is desperate, etc. Things to avoid.

As to the homeschooled boy you mention; I'll ask you a question to think about -- my son, 15, How is he to learn to take a girl out? Won't it be awkward?, he has been at home all the way until high-school and now he is thrust into it. and the worst possible one in my opinion. My wife's pride with respect to homeschooling has been a great destruction between us -- strong opinions -- but if anyone engages her in conversation on the subject she will tell them all about it.
If you want to know about the homeschooled boy your daughter is seeing, talk to the parents about how homeschooling went -- and why they liked it; and do manners matter to them, etc. Besides, they might make good friends.
But I will tell you, that the demands my wife places on my son will make his first dates quite awkward. and I suspect you will find quite a bit of the character of the boy you are dealing with to be formed by the parents.

Peace, and perhaps when my mind settles, I can speak a bit more on the differences between the way men and women think -- Maybe you know, but it might be an interesting thing to talk with your dh about. And some things to talk with your dd and ds.

--Andrew.

[Frances28]

I am a senior in high school, so about four years older than your daughter. I applaud both of you for recognizing that she is far too young to date…too many people are nonchalant about it, and it leads to broken hearts.

I was in your daughter’s almost exact situation a few years ago. There was a boy who had a crush on me, and, though he was always a gentleman and I liked him as a person, I didn’t have any romantic feelings towards him. I also told him that I was too young to date, but agreed to go to a dance with him as “friends”. Even after I emphasized the “just friends” thing, though, he became pretty clingy and was constantly dropping hints that he liked me. It was a very uncomfortable situation for me, and, though I only see him on occasion nowadays, it is still (several years later!) somewhat of an issue.

So…I think it’s perfectly fine if this boy and your daughter become friends and hang out together. But it does sound like he has a major crush on her, which sort of complicates the notion of them having “just” a friendship. Speaking from personal experience, if she ever becomes uncomfortable with the situation, or is only hanging out with him to be kind, it may be time to establish a little distance.

Best of luck

[whatevergirl]

Thanks Frances, that helps hearing a different perspective...She had band practice today, with this boy. He really is so mature and kind to her! I walked into the music school, and he was standing up at the front with her, waiting for me to pick her up, and then he just stood there...looking at my dd...looking at me...looking down...haha It was funny. Ah, young love.... My dd was looking at me...looking down. I broke the ice and said...okay, then, well...see you next week! ha He then looked at my dd and said goodbye.

You know, this whole thing brought something up that my dh and I discussed last night. He said, you know, you can't pick who she dates some day. I said, I won't. (but I might want to) haha I will have to watch that about myself. I just hope she chooses well when the time comes... Thx again for your thoughts today.

[whatevergirl]

Hi Andrew--your post here is so insightful. I greatly appreciate this. You know, what you say is probably true...being homeschooled, and the parents shining through this boy. Yes, his parents are absolute dolls. I mean, such great people. And his grandfather and dad own the school, and the grandfather teaches my daughter guitar. Just a very happy and at peace family. I pray that my dd doesn't gravitate to the bad boys, someday. She idolizes her brother, and he is a pretty good kid, if I do say so. lol So, hopefully, she will find someone like him, like her dad...I think what I might struggle with someday, to be honest, is the pull to want to push her to dating a boy of MY choosing. I must be careful. She is a strong Catholic girl, and knows herself, so hopefully she won't settle for someone who mistreats her. I used to gravitate towards the bad boy types, but my upbringing was entirely different than hers...which I think plays a huge part in who a girl chooses to date. My parents died when I was a kid, and so, for me, I never knew who I was...and I tried to find it through a man. Bad choices were made, a lot. I met my husband, and he was truly the first great man, who reminded me of my father. Maybe all girls look for this...I don't know.

I am rambling, but thank you for sharing your thoughts, and allowing me to express mine.

God bless you! (you are a very good writer, by the way, are you a writer by trade? If not, you migh want to consider freelancing...you have good thoughts that could be helpful to others out there.

[Huiou Theou]

Originally Posted by whatevergirl

. Maybe all girls look for this...I don't know.

From propfessionals in the psychiatric and psychology fields, there is no doubt that the relationship between a daughter and a father is extremely important -- and affects what they look for in a mate.
That is also something to tell your son, -- if you can't stand her mother or father, no matter how nice she seems now you are asking for an extreme struggle to grow; and it can go either way.

God bless you! (you are a very good writer, by the way, are you a writer by trade? If not, you migh want to consider freelancing...you have good thoughts that could be helpful to others out there.

I wish I was anything by trade -- right now I am just trying to heal; for anything I try to do to get out of my situation only serves to make it worse. It is funny, you are the second person in two days to suggest I ought to freelance -- but I have applied in the past, and for whatever reason I don't make the grade.
OTOH -- I am a BSEE now (FINALLY!)-- who has been able to rebuild multi-million dollar robotics machines in the past for cheap, and some from scratch; Once I get my memory functioning like it once did, and my life stabalized even with an undermining wife, I will need to be using those tools to bring about the funds for my sons and daughter to go to college -- their mother is anti-college (blue collar); and the stress I have there only God knows why it is allowed to continue; But I trust in providence; There must be a reason God is making it so difficult now. Hopefully it counts against purgatory....
Thank you for the compliment.

Love and prayers,
Your brother in Christ, Andrew.

[emma411]

She listens, she is a sweetheart of a girl...prays the Rosary, loves the Lord...so, I'm not sure why she doesn't appreciate this boy's gestures of niceness towards her. Not that she doesn't, I should say, but she is embarassed that he is showing her attention, I think...maybe that's it.

I also thought I had a few years before this began. [/color][/font][/i][/quote]

You know why she's emabarassed right? Because this boy actually seems like he has his head on right. Nowadays for a boy to be so well mannered as this boy is, is now considered uncommon. Boys don't act nice, polite, or proper. And when one comes along it's almost uncomfortable to deal with. You find yourself just waiting for the crude behavior to show itself. I met boys like that, and still always remained proper. So I wouldn't fret too much about how she views him as mature. She is still young, and sounds very sweet, and most of all very faithful as a catholic. It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job in preparing her for this new phase in her life. As for me, I kid you not, we will not allow our kids to date until after high school! Perhaps to severe, but I am freaking out that no matter how much I try to prepare them for life, I don't want them to fall into any kind of unwanted trouble. I'm praying for two of them to priests and one to be nun. Hey it could happen!

God Bless You!

[Legend]

Originally Posted by whatevergirl

[COLOR="Indigo"..... She rolled her eyes, and said...well, he is really nice, but he acts like he's 50. No offense to daddy, she said. Kids' bluntness, gotta love it.

When I came to pick her up...he walked her out to the car...it was very sweet. He really is very mature for a 14 yr old, and very polite and respectful. His parents homeschooled him until this year, and they are very strong Christians, and I can see they have worked hard in raising such a nice boy.

[/color]

...

I noticed, in a later post, that you were also impressed with his polite behavior toward you. He's been homeshcooled-so, he's been taught how to behave with politeness and respect toward all women and girls. He didn't have the "opportunity" to learn from peers how to treat pretty girls, ugly girls, laugh at some behind their backs-since his parents had little "help" with his socialization, he learned how to treat people their way, which obviously, isn't bad, at all!

As for the excuse that homeschoolers don't get properly socialized-they miss out on the time of life in which young people, in living up the expectation of those in authority, treat their teachers, parents,most other adults, and kids that are considered "different", as "the enemy". If properly raised, they learn to socialize with people of all ages, from babies to grandparents, learning from their needs and experiences; and, among their peer group, kids less attractive (or more so), more intelligent(or less so) , younger kids, older kids, kids that are different-all kinds of people they can learn from-and who likewise benefit from knowing them!. In general, they learn to interact within their real environment-not one, that is, like so many public schools-seemingly invented for them!. Plus, their parents are there to guide them-not as spoil-sports or enemies, but as just what they are-parents! And, their rules are not constantly challenged by teachers, school boards, and the like, when their kids get bullied, get placed in extremely dull classes, and-this should be familiar to many of us-share their religious faith-even when it's done in a very respectful, caring way.

So, it seems as if this boy was simply acting with the respect and consideration he was taught, as a young man, by his parents, is due to all girls and women...that he should pay for something when the invitation was his, that he should walk her to her mom's car, as the next step towards her returning home-in short, what was once considered simple manners!

It's a shame, but, your daughter seems to have not learned to expect such behavior from someone who's just a little bit older-where the "acting 50" idea comes in. But, unfortunately, we learn to suspect what is unfamiliar.

Now that I've given my not-so-unbiased opinion of public schooling-
Your daughter does seem to want a way out of dating this boy! Imagine-actually reminding your parents about your dating restrictions! I'm sure that I wouldn't have done that often! So, it looks as if (see first paragraph quoted) your daughter was actually asking to use you as an excuse if/when she doesn't feel like going anyplace with him-even if it doesn't fall within your definition of "dating". Even the most principled of young men can sometimes get too pushy,but even if you're sure he's not one of them, I'd recommend allowing it-as her mother, you should be ready to be the "bad guy" to someone who, whether rightly or not, makes her uncomfortable.

However this turns out, it seems that this boy is a good influence at this stage in your dd's life-neither old enough to date, nor young enough to ignore the fact that there are differences between boys and girls, he seems to be a good model for a well, mannered, respectful young man, who knows how to show a girl how she should be treated. To bad that it may be years before she gets that kind of consideration again.

Now-to those who send their kids to public school-I wasn't attacking you-just a system that discourages individual achievement, appeases bullies, and clones itself from generation to generation.

[whatevergirl]

Hi Legend;

I appreciate some of what you post here. But, politeness is not foreign to my daughter. She is polite herself. She is only 13, and thus given some of the male classmates she has, perhaps, that is what she bases her 'judgement' of the situation upon. But, as time goes on, her and this boy are becoming nice friends. It's beautiful to watch it blossom. I don't know if they ever will date, as she is way too young to even consider it...but he is definitely what I told her to look for in a young man, someday. Your insights are spot on...I sometimes wish we had homeschooled, even though, our kids haven't been negatively affected from public school...we have been blessed that they have attended good schools for the most part. But, it's just something I wish we had done.

Thx again for your thoughts.

[remjsmom76]

Very good mom...I applaud you and how you are raising your daughter...I thought I was alone here! My daughter is 12. She too plays the guitar (and drums and piano and now is learning the volin) She has friends who have had boyfriends, made out, and other "grown up " stuff already. She gets mad at them and tells them its dumb to have serious relationships at their age.

If your situation was on my plate, I would tell my daughter the same thing. HOWEVER I have not told her I FORBID her to have a boyfriend. Why...because my parents forbade me and guess what, I still had boyfriends. I was just hiding behind their backs. Id rather KNOW that my daughter felt a certain way for a boy. Besides, to kids, dating is just really "hanging out" Thats what it was for me at least. I know I am raising my daughters to have a strong sense of self. I may have been hidding behind my parents but I wasnt making out and groping and stuff. I knew better and I know my daughter knows better too. We talk a lot, about sexuality, about feelings and how both combined can lead to some serious situations and how to avoid them.

I have told my girls that id rather them not have boyfriends until a certain age ( I was 15 when I was allowed to have a boyfriend) however, that even if they decided to have a boyfriend, the were only allowed to go out with friends and most of the times...DAD AND I would be with them at all times. Right now Im just glad my daughter has NO intrest in boys!!! My 10 yr old...now thats another story

Originally Posted by whatevergirl

I thought I'd have a few years regarding this type of thing with my dd...but a boy has a crush on her. Aw. Of course, since she is only 13...she is not permitted to have a boyfriend right now...or date someone I should say, 'exclusively.' Waaay too young.

But, here's how this came about...she takes guitar lessons, she is quite good, and the music school's owner...his son also is a coowner, and HIS son is the one who likes my daughter. So the school owner's GRANDSON. He is 14, and in high school. So, he asked her to be a part of his band...he is the drummer, they have a bass player, and then there's my daughter who plays guitar.

So, Saturday he called our house and asked if Lauren could come and practice. So, I dropped her off...at the school...and they practiced she said, and then they walked over to get a burger next door. He paid...I gave her one of my smiles, I didn't say anything. You know, that mom smile. She looked at me and said...'Mom, I know what you're thinking...please stop.' haha I said, I didn't say anything...I think (we'll call him Bob) Bob likes you, that's all. She rolled her eyes, and said...well, he is really nice, but he acts like he's 50. No offense to daddy, she said. Kids' bluntness, gotta love it.

When I came to pick her up...he walked her out to the car...it was very sweet. He really is very mature for a 14 yr old, and very polite and respectful. His parents homeschooled him until this year, and they are very strong Christians, and I can see they have worked hard in raising such a nice boy.

So...today, I get into work, check my email...and there is a note from him to my daughter. He said he really liked having her there, and that he looks forward to seeing her again at practice. You are such a great guitar player...and it went on to talk about details of the practices. (Let me clarify, I gave my work email to the music school if they have to get a hold of me, and can't reach me by phone)

So...she likes him, but she thinks he acts like he's 50. Her words, not mine. I think he does act much older...but my gosh, a refreshing change from the boys she goes to school with...let's just say they are beyond immature. She said that he asked if she ever wanted to 'hang out' for a burger outside of practice. Aw! So sweet. She said, yeah, ok. But, she said...mommy, I'm too young to date, and I said that because I didn't want to hurt his feelings.

I said, there is nothing wrong with hanging out as friends with a boy, if you are in a group setting. You are too young to date, I can't imagine that his parents would let him date you, either, I told her. But, probably walking over for a burger next door, is fine.

So...what would you do? Would you allow her to 'hang out' with him in a group setting to grab a bite to eat? What boundaries would you set up?

[humble maid]

To the OP:

It's reassuring to know that there are others who are dealing with the same issues. My daughter turned 12 and started highschool. Lately a boy has been calling her and I am not to keen on him; let's just say he seems to be playing the field. He also makes it a point to call all her other friends. I mean this kid must be full of self-assurance because he even accepted to come to an all girls party; he was the only boy there if you don't count the father who was watching over the kids. Nonetheless, my husband and I gave my daughter the talk and she was somewhat defensive but listened; they're at that stage where they think their parents are not so cool.

Anyway, I too won't allow my daughter to date but many seem to be eager for it such as her friend, which I spoke to her as well. First we had to define what 'dating' was. I simply stated that it is alright to have friends that are boys and socialize with them so long as it was in a respectable manner and to put into practice the christian values that I taught her.
Example she could go to the movies with a few friends in tow or hang out at the burger place from time to time. I must admit I would prefer that she meets kids that have strong moral beliefs and like to do stuff like spelling bee's or play chess or board games...you know the innocent, intellectual stuff.

We always try to teach our children to be leaders and not followers. Hopefully, she will respect the teachings we gave her and not be ashamed to follow them even if others ridicule her(easier said then done).

As for the boy who likes your daughter, well he sounds like a really nice guy; maybe you should ask him to come back in 10 years or so with a proposal. These guys are hard to come by especially in these parts. However he still has alot of growing up to do.

God Bless