How to respond to a "lesbian friend"

KKendra · #1 Mar 12, '10, 1:50 pm

An old time friend from high school reconnected with me recently via email and told me her life story, including the fact that she is now openly lesbian and marrying another woman this Summer. She justifies herself saying that she believes God loves her, but she doesn't believe in organized religions, who are usually the ones that condemn gay relations. My stands on homosexuality are in line with the Church and would like to tell her how I feel about it and correct her on why it is wrong, but don't want to sound too judgemental or unloving. I want to make it clear that it is not her, but her sin, that is wrong. How can I put it without sounding arrogant or judgemental? My email might be the last chance someone speaks the truth to her before her marriage. Any help is appreciated!

kage_ar · #2 Mar 12, '10, 1:54 pm

Have you looked at joining "enCourage"?

http://www.couragerc.net/Encourage.html

This is people like you, friends and family of those struggling with homosexuality who practice the Catholic Faith.

Rascalking · #3 Mar 12, '10, 2:49 pm

For me it's sort of simple. Love em' like crazy, don't dig the lifestyle. I have a good friend who is a homosexual- doesn't bother me in the least. I don't agree with all aspects of how he lives his life, but that's not for me.

I have a cousin who is a lesbian-I've been to her house, played with her dogs, and I love her and her partner alot.

Why should it matter? Frankly, her personal sexual life is none of your affair. If she tries to make it blantant, just say, "Oh, that's cool." and change the subject. If she still shoves it down your throat, and can talk about nothing else, then say, "Sorry you've changed. Give me a buzz when you can talk about other things."

Good luck.

Poco · #4 Mar 12, '10, 2:55 pm

This is a tough one!

While it is true God loves her... God loves all his children. I think the bigger question is, "How much does she love God?".

Unfortunately, I can't think of a way to explain it without sounding arrogant, judgemental or unloving.

I sure hope either the link provided by kage_ar or somebody else can be more helpful than I've been!

Good luck and God bless!

baylee · #5 Mar 12, '10, 2:58 pm

I know this isn't exactly the same, but how would feel if a long lost highschool friend tried to stop you from marrying the man you loved?

SpaceNeedle · #6 Mar 12, '10, 3:18 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rascalking

For me it's sort of simple. Love em' like crazy, don't dig the lifestyle.

Exactly.

surritter · #7 Mar 12, '10, 3:22 pm

Just say:
Well it's great to reconnect with you. I have been exploring my Catholic faith more in recent years (or however you want to say it) and so I know deep down how much God loves you! I've also come to learn much about why many organized religions have those views about sexuality, and I think I can give you a nonjudgmental summary of the idea, if you wish. Believe me, it's not due to hatred, but love for God and His design for our bodies!

(Cut out that last part if it's too much, but you get the idea...)

OraLabora · #8 Mar 12, '10, 3:52 pm

Why not just let her be what she is and concentrate on your own salvation and not hers?

You have no idea why she is the way she is.

We are a fallen species and each and every time you encounter someone, you are encountering a sinner who has done something ugly in the eyes of God, and many of us do that because of something ugly done to us for example sexual, physical or emotional abuse as a child or an alcoholic parent, or some other deep wound.

The first person, BTW, to encounter is standing in front of the mirror. We all have some part of ourselves that is deeply flawed in God's eyes, some temptation that is warped. But He loves us anyway, and gave up His only son for it.

If you really feel you MUST do something to try to get your friend back on track, I suggest praying for her would be at the same time the most efficient, and the least offensive.

But please, please don't go on about your opinion's of the Church's view on same-sex activity.

Because for you to avoid that particular sin is extremely easy. For her it is a huge struggle, and therefore, it wouldn't be fair to hold her up a to standard which is easy for you but hard for her. Think of your worst recurring sin, and how hard it is for you to overcome it, how you repeatedly struggle and fail. Maybe that will be a tiny bit like walking a mile in her shoes. She's probably had enough judgement to last a lifetime.

Just be her friend and love her to pieces (and I don't mean that sexually, I mean in the spirit of Christian love).

hellopeople · #9 Mar 12, '10, 3:57 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by KKendra

An old time friend from high school reconnected with me recently via email and told me her life story, including the fact that she is now openly lesbian and marrying another woman this Summer. She justifies herself saying that she believes God loves her, but she doesn't believe in organized religions, who are usually the ones that condemn gay relations. My stands on homosexuality are in line with the Church and would like to tell her how I feel about it and correct her on why it is wrong, but don't want to sound too judgemental or unloving. I want to make it clear that it is not her, but her sin, that is wrong. How can I put it without sounding arrogant or judgemental? My email might be the last chance someone speaks the truth to her before her marriage. Any help is appreciated!

You cannot tell her that you think she is a sinner without sounding arrogant or judgmental.

Ruthie again · #10 Mar 12, '10, 4:07 pm

This is tough!

To jump right into it would probably make her feel like you are attacking her. I'd start with how good it is to hear from her, and how much she has meant to you. Maybe include some of your fond memories of her.

Then say that you have deepened your Catholic faith, and that you hope she hasn't fallen for the popular lie that the Church is homophobic.

Then say that you believe her marriage will be wrong - but that won't change your love for her. Offer to explain why, then end the letter and let her respond.

I hope that she becomes curious, and takes a step towards God. But don't be disappointed if she doesn't reply; and don't be too hurt if she responds badly. You will have tried.

Praying for both of you,

Ruthie

CatholicGuy22 · #11 Mar 12, '10, 4:12 pm

Well this is when being Catholic is hard. The world looks at us as monsters whenever express our views. You know what you must do. You must tell her that God loves her but her lifestyle is not the way. After that the most you can do is pray for her and hope she finds her way back home.

God Bless

baylee · #12 Mar 12, '10, 4:23 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by OraLabora

Why not just let her be what she is and concentrate on your own salvation and not hers?

You have no idea why she is the way she is.

We are a fallen species and each and every time you encounter someone, you are encountering a sinner who has done something ugly in the eyes of God, and many of us do that because of something ugly done to us for example sexual, physical or emotional abuse as a child or an alcoholic parent, or some other deep wound.

The first person, BTW, to encounter is standing in front of the mirror. We all have some part of ourselves that is deeply flawed in God's eyes, some temptation that is warped. But He loves us anyway, and gave up His only son for it.

If you really feel you MUST do something to try to get your friend back on track, I suggest praying for her would be at the same time the most efficient, and the least offensive.

But please, please don't go on about your opinion's of the Church's view on same-sex activity.

Because for you to avoid that particular sin is extremely easy. For her it is a huge struggle, and therefore, it wouldn't be fair to hold her up a to standard which is easy for you but hard for her. Think of your worst recurring sin, and how hard it is for you to overcome it, how you repeatedly struggle and fail. Maybe that will be a tiny bit like walking a mile in her shoes. She's probably had enough judgement to last a lifetime.

Just be her friend and love her to pieces (and I don't mean that sexually, I mean in the spirit of Christian love).

Can I ditto you?

poppabob1343 · #13 Mar 12, '10, 4:25 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by KKendra

An old time friend from high school reconnected with me recently via email and told me her life story, including the fact that she is now openly lesbian and marrying another woman this Summer. She justifies herself saying that she believes God loves her, but she doesn't believe in organized religions, who are usually the ones that condemn gay relations. My stands on homosexuality are in line with the Church and would like to tell her how I feel about it and correct her on why it is wrong, but don't want to sound too judgemental or unloving. I want to make it clear that it is not her, but her sin, that is wrong. How can I put it without sounding arrogant or judgemental? My email might be the last chance someone speaks the truth to her before her marriage. Any help is appreciated!

God does indeed love her, He doesn't love her sin. Its like if someone has a sickness like cancer, we don't stop loving because of the cancer, we should love more because of the cancer, but we will still hate the cancer. It like sin can kill her. However that being said, we are all called to live chastly, whether married, single or religious. To engage in sex outside of marriage is a grave sin that can push God away from her.
She says that she is getting married, Jesus says that marriage is between only a man and a woman. What she is then in fact doing is living in a lie.Truth is not a matter of opinion. Jesus said I am the Truth, so if she has a problem with it, it is with Jesus, not you. It won't be you that she is mad at , it will be the Lord, although you may go through a sort of marterdom for a bit until she figures it out.
The Church defines love as desiring the highest and the best for the sake of the beloved, tell her that you want the highest and best things for her, for her to go to heaven.

Zatzat · #14 Mar 12, '10, 4:36 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rascalking

Why should it matter? Frankly, her personal sexual life is none of your affair.

Between consensual adults...exactly!

( It's refreshing to see posts like this)

Lethe · #15 Mar 12, '10, 6:52 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by KKendra

An old time friend from high school reconnected with me recently via email and told me her life story, including the fact that she is now openly lesbian and marrying another woman this Summer. She justifies herself saying that she believes God loves her, but she doesn't believe in organized religions, who are usually the ones that condemn gay relations. My stands on homosexuality are in line with the Church and would like to tell her how I feel about it and correct her on why it is wrong, but don't want to sound too judgemental or unloving. I want to make it clear that it is not her, but her sin, that is wrong. How can I put it without sounding arrogant or judgemental? My email might be the last chance someone speaks the truth to her before her marriage. Any help is appreciated!

Well I'm a woman in a relationship with a woman so I would say... Feel free to tell her your unease, if you have a need to, but the worst thing you can do is 'correct' her - she has her life and you, yours. She knows about major religions, I'm sure, if she has decided against them, and therefore can make her own choices. You might feel you know more but what really is that based on? Different BELIEFS. And she does not have to believe what you do.

Also, from experience, people saying even the smallest of comments about something like sexuality, have a profound impact. If you have a proper go at her, she is likely only to suffer emotionally from it, and she is very unlikely to give up the relationship that makes her happy, ESPECIALLY if she feels under attack.