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Hello. I have seen this topic addressed in various posts but want to go ahead and ask for myself.
I have been asked to be a groomsmen in a friend's wedding but am not sure if I should. We have been friends for a long time. I was not a particularly good Catholic when we were young. However, in recent years I have begun to turn that around and am much more faithful. My friend has not grown in his Catholic faith and is marrying a protestant that no longer practices. They are having a civil ceremony.
I have seen the following range of responses to this type of issue:
1-serve as attendant but go to confession later for any public scandal it may cause;
2-serve as attendant, go to confession, but tell my friend I am disappointed and that I hope he gets his marriage blessed;
3-decline the request to serve as a groomsman, but attend as a guest;
4-decline the request to serve as a groomsman, and not attend at all.
I know that I don't have the heart to do the last option but am struggling with the other three. I want to do what is best for my friend but am not sure what action will best serve that end. The best would be to help him get back to the church. I hate to admit it but I am also concerned about alienating friends that I have in common with the groom who would not understand my refusal to participate.
Any thoughts on this topic will be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
I don't know what to tell you, but am genuinely interested in the responses you'll get to your questions.
This is indeed a sticky situation for you and I don't know what answer the church would give you.
Your dilemma reminds me of one my dad was in many yeas ago: He and his brother were raised Catholic. His brother left the church and got engaged to a protestant woman. He asked my dad to be his best man. His mother refused to attend the wedding (at a Protestant church.) My father consulted a priest and the priest said it was OK for him to "stand up for his brother"...which he did end up doing.
They were in their 20's then...(this was immediately after WWll). My dad (who remained a fiercely loyal Catholic until his death ) did it and always wondered if the priest gave him mis-information. My uncle never came back to the Catholic Church anyway.
He (my dad) always said, "He was my BROTHER. I had to do it."
Another tough one! I'm not Catholic (at least not yet! ). However, you may want to check out these links: Link 1 Link 2
The OP's questions aren't exactly the same as yours but you might get some helpful info. Other than that, the best advice I can give you is what I hear on EWTN radio quite a bit; ask your Pastor and/or ask your Bishop.
After that, options #1 or #2 seem ok to me. Although, if option #2 is selected, I would try to be very careful explaining "my disappointment". I sure hope you get some better advice than I've been able to provide.
__________________ Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.
"God is not eternal solitude but rather a circle of Love and mutual self-giving." Pope Benedict XVI
Hello. I have seen this topic addressed in various posts but want to go ahead and ask for myself.
I have been asked to be a groomsmen in a friend's wedding but am not sure if I should. We have been friends for a long time. I was not a particularly good Catholic when we were young. However, in recent years I have begun to turn that around and am much more faithful. My friend has not grown in his Catholic faith and is marrying a protestant that no longer practices. They are having a civil ceremony.
I have seen the following range of responses to this type of issue:
1-serve as attendant but go to confession later for any public scandal it may cause;
2-serve as attendant, go to confession, but tell my friend I am disappointed and that I hope he gets his marriage blessed;
3-decline the request to serve as a groomsman, but attend as a guest;
4-decline the request to serve as a groomsman, and not attend at all.
I know that I don't have the heart to do the last option but am struggling with the other three. I want to do what is best for my friend but am not sure what action will best serve that end. The best would be to help him get back to the church. I hate to admit it but I am also concerned about alienating friends that I have in common with the groom who would not understand my refusal to participate.
Any thoughts on this topic will be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
Well, I can tell you what I'd do. First, please remember that Marriage is a sacrament, and it is one of the sacraments that can exist outside of the Catholic Church because of its nature; what I mean to say is that the marriage is still considered valid even if performed in a protestant church, even in a civil ceremony. Well, that is just my opinion, but I believe that. I would definitely participate as as groomsman. If you don't, you might as well kiss the friendship goodbye. Do you wish to keep the friendship, and is it a close friendship? Just remember: it's a marriage, and a happy event. Be a part of it.
Well, I can tell you what I'd do. First, please remember that Marriage is a sacrament, and it is one of the sacraments that can exist outside of the Catholic Church because of its nature; what I mean to say is that the marriage is still considered valid even if performed in a protestant church, even in a civil ceremony. Well, that is just my opinion, but I believe that. I would definitely participate as as groomsman. If you don't, you might as well kiss the friendship goodbye. Do you wish to keep the friendship, and is it a close friendship? Just remember: it's a marriage, and a happy event. Be a part of it.
Thank you for your response. Would you tell your friend that you have any qualms about the manner in which he is getting married or be silent? I would never intend to be hurtful but I think if I remain silent and participate I will feel like a fraud because his marriage would not be valid. The couple is surrounded by non-believers and I feel like I would blend right if I say nothing.
Actually, the options that bothered me most where the ones that were followed by "go to confession later."
If you are planning to do something you have defined to be wrong only on the assumption that you could then "go to confession" afterwards, you have by that presumption of God's mercy and forgiveness through the holy sacrament of Reconciliation committed a very serious mortal sin even if the original act in and of itself is not sinful.
I think I would have a heart to heart talk with your friend, before you decide what you are going to do. If he is as good of a friend as you say he is, you need to tell him what is in your heart and what you are struggling with. I know I'd want my friend to be honest with me and be truthful because the friendship would mean much more to me than the friend silently hurting and struggling. His response may help you make your decision.
Church teachings say the only option you really have is not to participate, even as a guest. And to be honest, this is one area of the faith I do struggle to understand. I understand the meaning behind it, I just have a hard time hurting a friend in the process. Sometimes the decision is really easy, when you get that inkling that the marriage is doomed before it even begins. Other times, the fallen away Catholic may not know what they are doing they are so far away from the faith and still trying to do the best they can and its a great relationship between the two intended. That's the scenerio that I struggle with because I still want to be the best friend I can be.
Tis a hard decision. Pray, I'll pray for you as well.
I understand this must be very hard for you, and you must be very sad. However, if you go to wedding ceremony you would be giving your approval, and you obviously you do not approve of him doing this. You love him and want what is best for him, and you know that him doing that is NOT what is best for him, so you should not go and show your approval. This does not mean that you should shun him. Just tell him how you feel about it, in a nice way of course, so he knows why you cannot attend. If he is a good friend he will understand that it is against what you believe, and will respect you for that.
I think I would have a heart to heart talk with your friend, before you decide what you are going to do. If he is as good of a friend as you say he is, you need to tell him what is in your heart and what you are struggling with. I know I'd want my friend to be honest with me and be truthful because the friendship would mean much more to me than the friend silently hurting and struggling. His response may help you make your decision.
Church teachings say the only option you really have is not to participate, even as a guest.
Agreed--you really cannot attend this wedding at all.
Quote:
Originally Posted by IrishAm
Actually, the options that bothered me most where the ones that were followed by "go to confession later."
If you are planning to do something you have defined to be wrong only on the assumption that you could then "go to confession" afterwards, you have by that presumption of God's mercy and forgiveness through the holy sacrament of Reconciliation committed a very serious mortal sin even if the original act in and of itself is not sinful.
Completely true. I was stunned to even hear than someone suggested this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by peary
Well, I can tell you what I'd do. First, please remember that Marriage is a sacrament, and it is one of the sacraments that can exist outside of the Catholic Church because of its nature; what I mean to say is that the marriage is still considered valid even if performed in a protestant church, even in a civil ceremony. Well, that is just my opinion, but I believe that. I would definitely participate as as groomsman. If you don't, you might as well kiss the friendship goodbye. Do you wish to keep the friendship, and is it a close friendship? Just remember: it's a marriage, and a happy event. Be a part of it.
Completely false. The groom is a Catholic and is bound by the Catholic form of marriage. To marry in a civil ceremony means that there is a defect of form and the marriage is NOT presumed valid. This is why one of the precepts of the Church is to obey her laws concerning marriage.
Actually, the options that bothered me most where the ones that were followed by "go to confession later."
If you are planning to do something you have defined to be wrong only on the assumption that you could then "go to confession" afterwards, you have by that presumption of God's mercy and forgiveness through the holy sacrament of Reconciliation committed a very serious mortal sin even if the original act in and of itself is not sinful.
I would never presume on God's mercy in this or any other area of my life. Perhaps I presume on the mercy of the readers of Catholic Answers too much. I added a reference to confession as a sign that I know this is a very serious decision that I am being required to make. If it turns out that it is mortally sinful for me to serve in the wedding and I do not realize this truth at the time I do it, I would ask for God's forgiveness in my failing to do the correct thing. Unfortunately, there is no official church teaching that says what we are supposed to definitively do in this type of situation. I thought, in fact, that I was expressing humility that I may make a choice that is sinful. Venial...mortal...who can tell me what level of sin? I think it would have shown a lack of humility to ignore the real possibility that I should go to confession.
I would like to bring up another situation that is probably more common to members of Catholic Answers than the one we originally discussed. I imagine many people have encountered at least one troubling incident that involves the sin of lying.
It may happen that we are in a situation that may require us to lie--to tell untruth--to not tell the truth--for various reasons. It could be to simply save a person's feelings (venial if it doesn't lead to serious sin)--to serve our own purposes (venial or mortal--depending on the severity of the situation). If we are sincere Catholics that know we may lie in a situation we also know that we are going to go to Confession to address what we know is wrong--be it venial or mortal sin.
It may happen that we are in a situation that may require us to lie
I already question the premise.
__________________ Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.
"God is not eternal solitude but rather a circle of Love and mutual self-giving." Pope Benedict XVI
Thank you for your response. Would you tell your friend that you have any qualms about the manner in which he is getting married or be silent? I would never intend to be hurtful but I think if I remain silent and participate I will feel like a fraud because his marriage would not be valid. The couple is surrounded by non-believers and I feel like I would blend right if I say nothing.
It's not your wedding! If you want to say something, say something to them after the wedding!
And I don't see it as a fraud at all.
And it all depends if you think this friendship is worth destroying. How much is his friendship worth to you? Because, I will guarantee you, if you rain on their parade, they will drop you like a lead balloon.
This is a good thoughtful response. The time to be worried about your firendship and your friend's practice as a Catholic has been all along. Coming up now with "religious" reasons for your actions will seem very lame to him, as well they might. Have you ever spoken to him about missing Mass? About going to confession? When his relationship with this woman first got serious did you say anything about her not being Catholic? Are they living together now? Did you say something when he moved in withn her? Or started sleeping over at her place?
There are usually many times much earlier in the timeline for us as Catholics to take a stand. Waiting until we've been invited to witness an invalid wedding is not the time to start talking about his Catholic responsibilities (or yours for that matter).
I will be praying for you and the couple as well.
Quote:
Originally Posted by PatriceA
I think I would have a heart to heart talk with your friend, before you decide what you are going to do. If he is as good of a friend as you say he is, you need to tell him what is in your heart and what you are struggling with. I know I'd want my friend to be honest with me and be truthful because the friendship would mean much more to me than the friend silently hurting and struggling. His response may help you make your decision.
Church teachings say the only option you really have is not to participate, even as a guest. And to be honest, this is one area of the faith I do struggle to understand. I understand the meaning behind it, I just have a hard time hurting a friend in the process. Sometimes the decision is really easy, when you get that inkling that the marriage is doomed before it even begins. Other times, the fallen away Catholic may not know what they are doing they are so far away from the faith and still trying to do the best they can and its a great relationship between the two intended. That's the scenerio that I struggle with because I still want to be the best friend I can be.
Tis a hard decision. Pray, I'll pray for you as well.
Catholic Answers
To Be or Not To Be....in the Bridal Party?
Re: To Be or Not To Be....in the Bridal Party?
). However, you may want to check out these links:
Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.
Re: To Be or Not To Be....in the Bridal Party?
Perhaps I presume on the mercy of the readers of Catholic Answers too much. I added a reference to confession as a sign that I know this is a very serious decision that I am being required to make. If it turns out that it is mortally sinful for me to serve in the wedding and I do not realize this truth at the time I do it, I would ask for God's forgiveness in my failing to do the correct thing. Unfortunately, there is no official church teaching that says what we are supposed to definitively do in this type of situation. I thought, in fact, that I was expressing humility that I may make a choice that is sinful. Venial...mortal...who can tell me what level of sin? I think it would have shown a lack of humility to ignore the real possibility that I should go to confession.
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