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  #1  
Old Oct 13, '10, 10:36 am
ToeInTheWater ToeInTheWater is offline
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Default If your son got a girl pregnant outside marriage, what would you do?

So in the topic about why parents are stricter with daughters over dating, several posters pointed out that girls can get pregnant while boys can't, and that in case of teen pregnancy, parents would have to "rescue" the girl, while it's no big deal for a boy. It does seem that socially, men who have children out of wedlock aren't really expected to do much more than pay whatever child support he is legally required to pay, and maybe see the child every couple weeks or so. If he does more than that, great, but if he doesn't, that's fine too. So an unplanned pregnancy doesn't interfere with plans for, say, college, the way it would for a girl.

But that's speaking generally. I'd hope that most posters here would expect their son to do more than the bare minimum. But maybe I'm being naive.
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  #2  
Old Oct 13, '10, 10:39 am
Lutheranteach Lutheranteach is offline
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Default Re: If your son got a girl pregnant outside marriage, what would you do?

Way too many factors would play into it to make any blanket statement. Every option would be on the table until I knew more.
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  #3  
Old Oct 13, '10, 11:06 am
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mcrow mcrow is offline
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Default Re: If your son got a girl pregnant outside marriage, what would you do?

Well, being a child of a single16 year old mother who met his father for the first time in his 20's:

Generally speaking I would encourage him to help the mother as much as possible and to be a father to the child since it's his obligation to do so. I would also encourage him to see if there is real love between him and the mother, if so, I would tell him to consider marriage. I wouldn't say he should propose but consider, if there is love between them, if it is a possibilty in the future. I would tell him, his mom and dad are here to support him, though we don't approve of premarital sex. Our home would be open to the mother and baby, if need be.

Granted there are a ton of things that could happen that may change some of this but this is in a perfect world. OTOH, you can't contol a teen boy and should something happen where he refuses to take responsibility for the child, then I as his father (and his mother) would be responsible for the child and helping the mother.

That baby is comes from my blood so where nobody else will take resposibilty, it becomes mine.

My grandparents did the same for me so that I didn't get killed by an abortion or put up for adoption.
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  #4  
Old Oct 13, '10, 11:25 am
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Mary Gail 36 Mary Gail 36 is offline
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Default Re: If your son got a girl pregnant outside marriage, what would you do?

I would be heartbroken that my son did that.

I would plan on supporting him emotionally. I would plan on supporting the baby financially, I would support my son having custody of the baby if the mother doesn't want to care for the baby. My DH and I would encourage DS to do all he could to care for the baby. We would attempt to do all we could.

DH and I also plan on teaching our sons that if they do get a girl pregnant, any right to the baby and fatherhood are subject to the mother (legally) and sadly, and currently, there is no way they could stop an abortion of their son or daughter from happening.

So to reiterate, DH and I will attempt to be strict all around, girls and boys
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  #5  
Old Oct 13, '10, 11:33 am
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MarianD MarianD is offline
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Default Re: If your son got a girl pregnant outside marriage, what would you do?

I've seen the effect of teen pregnancies and out-of-wedlock pregnancies in my own family. From my grandmother to many of my aunts, teen pregnancies result in single mothers a lot of the time. And with my mother, out-of-wedlock pregnancies result in a father who really isn't a father unless it's time to give someone money for something. So it is with my own father, even though my mother and he are "permanent fiancees".

So I'd be absolutely certain to make sure that my son would be nothing like these so-called "dads". I'd make sure he's a father as well as a dad (every male can be a father, only a man can be a dad), and I myself would be disappointed but not angry. Anger gets us nowhere, action does. We're given the situation, so let's deal with it. Every child is a miracle, even if the child is born out of wedlock.

I'd also be 100% firm in making sure that my grandchild would be treated equally. The term "bastard" is one of 3 terms that are offensive to me in the fullest sense because they apply to me. I can promise you I'd be in the Confessional if someone called my grandchild a "bastard" or treated him differently just because he/she was born out of wedlock.
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  #6  
Old Oct 13, '10, 2:37 pm
Serap Serap is offline
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Default Re: If your son got a girl pregnant outside marriage, what would you do?

I would want my grandchild to be in my life and be close to us, so I would definitely push my son to be a good involved father. If the mother was unfit, I'd even push for custody.

That child didn't ask to be born and needs a mother AND father AND grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.
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  #7  
Old Oct 13, '10, 4:01 pm
cmscms cmscms is offline
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Default Re: If your son got a girl pregnant outside marriage, what would you do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ToeInTheWater View Post
It does seem that socially, men who have children out of wedlock aren't really expected to do much more than pay whatever child support he is legally required to pay, and maybe see the child every couple weeks or so. If he does more than that, great, but if he doesn't, that's fine too. So an unplanned pregnancy doesn't interfere with plans for, say, college, the way it would for a girl.
.
That is a lot more than many guys do when they get a teenage girl pregnant. And if he even did that much it would interfer with his life (not as much as for a girl but it could prevent him from getting an education

I have never had kids but his is what I would do. I have seen too many grand parents step up to the plate for teenage parents. The teenage parent then gets the message it is OK to be irresponsible someone else will take care of the consequences of my actions. Not to mention that as the child grows up, the grandparents are getting up in years and can no longer be involved as much. The child does not have a normal foundation with their parents and consequently has no guidance as a teen.

If my daughter got pregant out of wedlock, I would tell her 'I love you. I encourage you to give this child up for adoption. If you feel you are old enough to be a mom then you are old enough to get your own place and pay your own bills'

Iy my son got a girl pregnant, he wold be forced to get a part-time job and hand over every single last cent of the pay cheque to me. I would take the money and buy things for the baby and personally deliever them to the mom (assuming she kept the child). Then I would make my son pick the baby up every second weekend (or more if the mother asks) and bring the baby to my house and he would watch the baby so the mom can have a break. If the baby is sleeping and my son says 'Since the baby is sleeping can I go out with my friends and you watch the kid' I would emphatically say NO. My SON would be watching his child and doing the child rearing not me. If my son does not like the rules he can get his own place.

Yes my views are hars but it is what I think is best for the baby. To be brough up by the parents that choose to kept them. Nothing breaks my heart more to see a baby being kept by parents that don't want to take their responsibilities.

Also, it is not that harsh considering the second my children know where babies come form is the second they wold know about these rules

CM
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  #8  
Old Oct 13, '10, 4:27 pm
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Mary Gail 36 Mary Gail 36 is offline
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Default Re: If your son got a girl pregnant outside marriage, what would you do?

cmscms...

I don't see it as stepping up to the plate for teenage parents. I see it as stepping up to the plate for my possible grandchild. It isn't his/her fault that the parents are immature, selfish un-prepared.

DH and I have already decided, we will be willing to adopt any grandchild that our kids had that they were unable to care for.
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  #9  
Old Oct 14, '10, 12:59 am
Petergee Petergee is offline
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Default Re: If your son got a girl pregnant outside marriage, what would you do?

I would expect and probably demand that he marry the girl, unless grave circumstances dictated otherwise.

I regard fornication as equally sinful for a man as for a woman, and I would hope all Catholics agree, even though secular society tells us it's less of a big deal for a man.
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  #10  
Old Oct 14, '10, 1:30 am
illmatic illmatic is offline
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Default Re: If your son got a girl pregnant outside marriage, what would you do?

Okay, remember that Christ's forgiveness of you son would depend on your sons relationship with God and nothing else. I think it would be misguided to try to force your son into marriage or anything like that. You should be loving, supportive and there for him. You should offer your advice and have his back as hard as you can.
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  #11  
Old Oct 14, '10, 2:52 am
mommamia mommamia is offline
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Default Re: If your son got a girl pregnant outside marriage, what would you do?

I think that like so many parenting hurdles we face, we can't know for sure what we would do. Circumstances are important. A teenage boy, or an adult son?

Either way I don't know that there is much I could really do. I would do whatever I could to secure a loving home for my grandchild with family. I would try to establish a relationship with the mother, get to know her, offer her support.

But mostly, I guess I would have to trust my son to do what is right. You can't force parenthood on someone. I would rather watch the child myself, than leave it with a resentful parent. My son has had good role models, and I think would step up and do whats right. He will be 18 in less than a year, and it is hitting home that I won't be able to "keep him safe" anymore very soon.

Grandparents don't have the same rights as parents. In the end, it would be up to the parents anyway. So that is why I would try to keep a relationship going with both parents, and pray for the best.

Oh, and I don't think I could help being super excited!! A grandbaby!
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  #12  
Old Oct 14, '10, 4:29 am
Seatuck Seatuck is offline
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Default Re: If your son got a girl pregnant outside marriage, what would you do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Petergee View Post
I would expect and probably demand that he marry the girl, unless grave circumstances dictated otherwise.

I regard fornication as equally sinful for a man as for a woman, and I would hope all Catholics agree, even though secular society tells us it's less of a big deal for a man.

Getting married under duress could invalidate a marriage. Many have been declared null because the primary reason to marry was an unplanned pregnancy.
Fornication is equally sinful if not more for a man . Men are supposed to be our spiritual role models.
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  #13  
Old Oct 14, '10, 4:52 am
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KostyaJMJ KostyaJMJ is offline
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Default Re: If your son got a girl pregnant outside marriage, what would you do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Petergee View Post
I would expect and probably demand that he marry the girl, unless grave circumstances dictated otherwise.
Oy vey, that is a really bad idea and I can't imagine finding any priest who would perform that ceremony.

Encouraging someone to get married when they are too immature to do so and only because they are going to have a child together is a recipe for disaster. There is a good chance that a marriage under those circumstances would end in divorce and then a declaration of nullity.
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  #14  
Old Oct 14, '10, 8:19 am
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mcrow mcrow is offline
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Default Re: If your son got a girl pregnant outside marriage, what would you do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by KostyaJMJ View Post
Oy vey, that is a really bad idea and I can't imagine finding any priest who would perform that ceremony.

Encouraging someone to get married when they are too immature to do so and only because they are going to have a child together is a recipe for disaster. There is a good chance that a marriage under those circumstances would end in divorce and then a declaration of nullity.

I don't see anything wrong with getting engaged if they love each other and think they want to get married. Granted, they should not get married until they are able to do the marriage prep through the church. If they are very young, maybe under 18, I'm not sure that any kind of comitment like this is a good idea, other than promising to be there for the baby.

You definitely don't want to encourage marriage just because he got someone pregnant and as Kostya, not priest will perform a marriage between two people unless it is for love and deemed of completely free will independant of the pregnancey.
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  #15  
Old Oct 14, '10, 9:04 am
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monicatholic monicatholic is offline
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Default Re: If your son got a girl pregnant outside marriage, what would you do?

i didnt read all posts. this isnt hypothetical to us. here's what we did:

we brought her home to live with us. my son abandoned her here. we got her gov't medical care, brought her to the OBGYN every month (and then every week at the end), we fed her good healthy foods, sat with her when she cried in the middle of the night, taught her to pray, brought her to crisis pregnancy counseling, more than happily agreed to adopt our grandson, loved her with astonishingly broken hearts when she chose another adoptive family, stayed with her during labor and delivery and through the hardest, saddest hospital stay i could ever imagine, died a million deaths when my grandson was placed in the heart of the most wonderful adoptive family, and then kept the girlfriend with us for several months until she was ready to move on.

it cost us so much suffering. i would do it again a hundred times.

for my sons' girlfriends AND for my daughters.
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