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  #1  
Old Dec 18, '10, 3:00 pm
Luvs2Learn Luvs2Learn is offline
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Default husbands brother is about to ruin yet another holiday

I am so frustrated!!!! My husband comes from a rather large family and most get along rather well. But his youngest brother who has always been the trouble maker of the family is at it again. He is one of those people who always has to get involved with everyone elses business. He is constantly making comments and remarks about my husbands sisters grown children on their Facebook pages. He has been told several times by different people that Facebook is not the place to share personal conversations.Especially when they are demeaning and rude. But he won't learn and has done it again. And now it is even worse, my husbands nefew is now feuding with him because he said some horrible things about nefews girlfriend. And some cruel things about my husbands nieces job (that its beneath her , she has a degree and should look for a better job etc).
so now my husbands sister/hubby , and 3 grown children (but not yet married) do not want to come to our house for Christmas if their uncle (my husbands brother ) is going to be there. And my husbands brother does not want to be around the nefew and girlfriend.

The whole thing is a mess and the rest of the family does not want to get involved in the ridiculous squable.
agggghhhhhh!!!what to do. I only get to host Christmas day once every few years because we all take turns (we all love to host ).
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  #2  
Old Dec 18, '10, 4:08 pm
EasterJoy EasterJoy is offline
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Default Re: husbands brother is about to ruin yet another holiday

I can see why you're frustrated. I come from a big family myself, with our share of "colorful" relatives. The general rule was to let others deal with their own little dramas and let the chips fall where they may. It's disappointing when the relatives can't get along, but sometimes direct control is not a viable option. Sometimes the most peaceful alternative is to just ignore it.

This year, your husband (and to a lesser extent, you, because in-laws are wise to concede their standing in these things to the spouse more immediate to the drama) are the hosts, the on-site referees. Obviously, you wouldn't politely ignore the relatvies if they started throwing punches and furniture. You do have boundaries of what sort of behavior you will tolerate, then. The only question is where that boundary needs to be, and how it is to be enforced. You decide who is invited, for what, and when. One of my relatives chided an older guest who presumed to smoke in his new house during the housewarming. I didn't hear the manner in which he did it, but they were not on speaking terms for a year or two after that. I don't think either one cared.

Generally speaking, though, most extended families decide to endure each other without any interventions by a referee, as long as no one is drunk, under the influence of drugs, breaking things, or physically assaulting the other guests. I'd let your husband be the head umpire, deciding what the boundaries are, how to enforce them, and whether or not he wants an alliance with other siblings before handing down warnings, penalties or ejections. He knows the game better than you do.

As for the Facebook thing, just stay out of it, except perhaps to remove the offender from your "friends" list, before he gets around to attacking you. How others manage the distribution of their own news and gossip is their issue, not yours.
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  #3  
Old Dec 18, '10, 4:45 pm
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Apryl Apryl is offline
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Default Re: husbands brother is about to ruin yet another holiday

Quote:
Originally Posted by Luvs2Learn View Post
what to do. I only get to host Christmas day once every few years because we all take turns (we all love to host ).
Your house? Your rules!

You make it clear in advance that as the hosts in this celebration, you make the guest list. As a part of the family, you want every one to be there.

Since it's your house, all subjects that may lead to a squabble, someone defending themselves, any explaining are off limits! Topics that are acceptable include (make your list).

Remind them that in other years, they will be hosting, and as such, you promise to respect their wishes as the hosts, and you all may be able to get over this 'mess' before the next family gathering.

... and then take the brother in law to a corner and remind him that he is the one causing trouble and that if he doesn't stop you'll make him wear a dress!
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  #4  
Old Dec 18, '10, 4:52 pm
Catherine S. Catherine S. is offline
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Default Re: husbands brother is about to ruin yet another holiday

Quote:
Originally Posted by Luvs2Learn View Post
I am so frustrated!!!! My husband comes from a rather large family and most get along rather well. But his youngest brother who has always been the trouble maker of the family is at it again. He is one of those people who always has to get involved with everyone elses business. He is constantly making comments and remarks about my husbands sisters grown children on their Facebook pages. He has been told several times by different people that Facebook is not the place to share personal conversations.Especially when they are demeaning and rude. But he won't learn and has done it again. And now it is even worse, my husbands nefew is now feuding with him because he said some horrible things about nefews girlfriend. And some cruel things about my husbands nieces job (that its beneath her , she has a degree and should look for a better job etc).
so now my husbands sister/hubby , and 3 grown children (but not yet married) do not want to come to our house for Christmas if their uncle (my husbands brother ) is going to be there. And my husbands brother does not want to be around the nefew and girlfriend.

The whole thing is a mess and the rest of the family does not want to get involved in the ridiculous squable.
agggghhhhhh!!!what to do. I only get to host Christmas day once every few years because we all take turns (we all love to host ).
Put your children and their memories of Christmas first!
Keep this type of person and this type of nonsence away from them, especially on Christmas Day!
Your husband's sister and family are making a wise decision, him or them. You and your husband need to make a wise decision too.
This fellow is not learning because everyone seems to talk a lot but no one takes a definate step to curb his uncharitable and inconsiderate behavior.
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Last edited by Catherine S.; Dec 18, '10 at 5:05 pm.
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  #5  
Old Dec 18, '10, 5:04 pm
puzzleannie puzzleannie is offline
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Default Re: husbands brother is about to ruin yet another holiday

only if you, your husband and the rest of the family let him manipulate yourselves. Why is any of you sharing any information whatever with him if he can't keep a confidence and why has no one called him on his behavior before now, not hints, relataliation. Why is he invited anywhere if he cannot behave himself? Why would anyone in the family friend him, or allow him access to their facebook or even more puzzling, read anything he has to say?
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  #6  
Old Dec 18, '10, 5:34 pm
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jmcrae jmcrae is offline
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Default Re: husbands brother is about to ruin yet another holiday

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Originally Posted by puzzleannie View Post
only if you, your husband and the rest of the family let him manipulate yourselves. Why is any of you sharing any information whatever with him if he can't keep a confidence and why has no one called him on his behavior before now, not hints, relataliation. Why is he invited anywhere if he cannot behave himself? Why would anyone in the family friend him, or allow him access to their facebook or even more puzzling, read anything he has to say?
I agree. Everyone in the whole family should un-friend him, and he should not be invited to Christmas, until he can learn to treat his family with respect.

If you've already invited him, then you have to have a serious talk with him before he arrives, and just lay it all out for him, that nobody likes him, and that people are thinking of not coming at all, because of him being there.
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  #7  
Old Dec 18, '10, 6:26 pm
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agnes therese agnes therese is online now
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Default Re: husbands brother is about to ruin yet another holiday

Why on earth is everyone in the family letting him post on their facebook pages?
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  #8  
Old Dec 18, '10, 6:47 pm
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faithfully faithfully is offline
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Default Re: husbands brother is about to ruin yet another holiday

Wow... this is so familiar. It's so hard with family.

We have a family member that has ruined almost every event she's attended. EXCEPT, when she's been informed her behavior will not be tolerated. Which only started happening when I was about 18. One little slip up and she's out! By force if necessary. (Yes, it's THAT bad!) Several of us have finally developed the ability to tell her to KNOCK IT OFF... the second she starts. Which has actually kept her in line. It's been a lifetime of ruined Thanksgivings, Christmases, Weddings, Easters, Funerals YES... ANYTHING she can ruin or add stress to. It's just who she is. She probably has a real psychological problem. That she does NOT want to fix.

Does the unhappy BIL, wife and adult children have to travel to come to your home? If not, I'd invite them, and ask that they still come and that you will understand if they feel they must leave. But I absolutely get that they don't want to have their Christmas ruined. Why should little brother be allowed to ruin it for them.

Obnoxious BIL needs to be informed that his behavior is not acceptable. When he tries to defend himself, just say, "you know what? I've seen you in action a 100 times. So here's the deal. You are welcome to come. If you start anything, you will then be asked to leave. The rest of the family will not walk on eggshells, nor endure your ill treatment. Not in MY house anyway. THE END... if you don't like those rules, then stay home." If he gets defensive... too bad. He can CHOOSE to behave or not. It's ALL on him.

Everyone needs to defriend him on FB. Only a gluten for punishment keeps him with ability to humilate them online on a regular basis.
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  #9  
Old Dec 18, '10, 7:53 pm
TheRealJuliane TheRealJuliane is offline
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Default Re: husbands brother is about to ruin yet another holiday

Quote:
Originally Posted by agnes therese View Post
Why on earth is everyone in the family letting him post on their facebook pages?
Yeah, that's what I was thinking, "Unfriend" and "Block." The electronic equivalent of shunning.
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  #10  
Old Dec 19, '10, 5:26 pm
Luvs2Learn Luvs2Learn is offline
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Default Re: husbands brother is about to ruin yet another holiday

Beleve me, all the siblings have had "talks" with him about his behavior throughout the years. The family members whom he has offended have blocked him from facebook. The only reason everyone tolrates him is because of his wife a young children. If we ban him from an event that punishes his kids, and the other kids miss out on their cousins.

But I have some good news. My husband spoke to his niece and nefew. They have agreed to come to our house for Christmas and just avoid the trouble making uncle. Its funny that they are behaiving more maturely then the uncle.
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