8 year marriage help

[miller351]

I am currently married and have been for about 8 years. We have 2 children together, 4 altogether. To make a long story short, for now, she has decided that since she has started to make her business grow, she wants to be her own person in that she wants to be able to go out, drink and basically do what she wants. She has been pretty much ignoring me, our talks are emotionless coming from her and to get her to just simply say she loves me has been a real task as of late. Ever since she started this growing of her business about 3 months ago I have noticed changes in her such as when she did have extra time or energy it was not devoted to me or the family, it was for facebook, or “talking” to other co-workers, etc. So I asked her about it and she said she did not notice and will try to do better with me.

Needless to say this has not improved and after several times me asking her “20 questions” several different times she has become very secretive, goes to visit family and goes out without letting me know what is going on even though we both agreed that there is no more hiding of anything.

We are in this dance that the harder I squeeze on trying to get answers she more she becomes secretive.

There is more to it than this but I just first want to see if anyone has experienced this from either point of view.

She is/was very big as a catholic but that has started to all but disappear since the business really started to grow about 3 months ago.

[Blessed1934]

All marriages go through things like this. I myself married 25 years this year!
Try and talk to her again about it but don't argue it only makes things worse.
You sound like a pretty level-headed guy. Sometimes when people find
new things in their life they tend to neglect other things and not realize.
If talking to her does not help maybe talk to one of your priests and see what he
suggests, and always, always pray to the Good Lord for guidance he always
answers us.

I will be praying for all of you.


God Bless,

Linda

[joanofarc2008]

Will offer prayers - maybe you may want to try Retrouvaille or another such retreat in your area.

[miller351]

if my wife continues to neglet us as a marriage, us as a couple and continue to give me the cold shoulder and act like im a neighbor that she never wanted, should I give her an ultimatum?

Also, her behavior over these past few months is very suspicious and very much acting like either a cheat or someone that wants out of a marriage.

From the catholic faith's perspective, what should I do?

Should I outline what I feel is acceptable and not acceptable?

Should I outline what we can both work on to heal this marriage?

If I do make an "outline," should there be an end date that if things don't improve by X date, then that is it for us? i.e. divorce?

[miller351]

My wife said yesterday that she is not willing to work on us at a relationship level for several months. I feel like she is treating me like total **** and I don't feel like she should get any longer having control of what is going on.

Since she will be gone for 2 more weeks I really want to provide her in one form or fashion what i want in this marriage and a deadline. But if I do this while she is gone it could completely backfire on me.

Suggestions?

[joanofarc2008]

Originally Posted by miller351

My wife said yesterday that she is not willing to work on us at a relationship level for several months. I feel like she is treating me like total **** and I don't feel like she should get any longer having control of what is going on.

Since she will be gone for 2 more weeks I really want to provide her in one form or fashion what i want in this marriage and a deadline. But if I do this while she is gone it could completely backfire on me.

Suggestions?

I feel by making this statement it is you sir that do not have an idea of what unconditional love or the pemanence of marriage is. It does work both ways. Setting a deadline? Really how old are we?

[Bporte00]

Originally Posted by joanofarc2008

I feel by making this statement it is you sir that do not have an idea of what unconditional love or the pemanence of marriage is. It does work both ways. Setting a deadline? Really how old are we?

I'm going to second that though.

Setting a deadline and forcing your wife into submission to your will is not love and will not help anyone. Also, this is a Catholic forum..do you really think anyone is going to say they think you should divorce?

I've heard good things about Retrouvaille it's a Catholic marriage retreat which is geared to rediscovering your loving relationship.

[miller351]

Originally Posted by joanofarc2008

I feel by making this statement it is you sir that do not have an idea of what unconditional love or the pemanence of marriage is. It does work both ways. Setting a deadline? Really how old are we?

My reasoning for 'setting terms and conditions' by X date was not to stir up trouble here. That was a recommendation from 2 counselors and indirectly from my catholic priest. I just know that I am hurting deeply, physically and emotionally and I am looking for advice from experiend people.

I disgaree, it is not me that does not understand what unconditional love is, it is my wife. I have already forgiven her for an affair, family allegations against her (well leave it at that) and basically treating me and our family horrible. I am continuing to work on us, myself and our family but I, can only take so much and I was hoping for suggestions. negative suggestions are appreciated.

I am in the military and hot to deploy, which concerns me deeply because if/when that happens, I don't know where my wife's state of mind would be because she has to watch the kids. Meaning, is she going to put on a facade like she is doing now and STILL treat me this way.

Yes, 'we' are going to counseling together. I would also like to get us into seeing our priest as well.