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  #61  
Old Apr 14, '11, 5:44 am
Serap Serap is offline
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Join Date: August 18, 2008
Posts: 7,161
Religion: Catholic
Default Re: My wife wants a divorce

Quote:
Originally Posted by IllinoisAtty View Post
"We talked, but nothing productive came out of our talks. She hinted at some of the things she wanted when we were divorced but for the most part I tried to avoid talking about them. She was all too excited to tell me about all of the education benefits a single mother would get. WOW"

I'm making a prediction here-she will divorce you. It's too late. the above says everything. Good luck and god bless.
I disagree with this.

OP - here's an article about the study that I came across. If you do more research, you can find the actual research paper

http://www.smartmarriages.com/does.divorce.html
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  #62  
Old Apr 14, '11, 5:52 am
Serap Serap is offline
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Default Re: My wife wants a divorce

I wanted to point something else out. You say you are not a "yeller", but you don't have to yell to verbally abuse someone. Any kind of putdown or discredit of their feelings, is verbal abuse. Stonewalling is a form of non-verbal abuse.

You admit to doing this over the years...you abused her by withholding love and support and telling her to keep the house clean or get a job. You made her feel neglected by taking away the best years that she could have had with her children.

I am on your side; please don't get me wrong..I just wanted to point out that verbal abuse and non-verbal abuse can come in many different forms. It doesn't require yelling or tempers.

It could be a put down, with a "I was just joking" response. It could be a resonse like, "Why do you want to go to college? It's not like you're going to be a rocket scientist!"

All of this can add up and become an abusive marriage. I'm not saying that she has never been abusive to you; you have only told us that you treated her wrongly, by not taking her dreams and needs seriously.
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  #63  
Old Apr 14, '11, 12:12 pm
TexasCatholic99 TexasCatholic99 is offline
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Join Date: March 22, 2011
Posts: 114
Religion: Catholic
Default Re: My wife wants a divorce

Quote:
Originally Posted by Serap View Post
I disagree with this.

OP - here's an article about the study that I came across. If you do more research, you can find the actual research paper

http://www.smartmarriages.com/does.divorce.html
Good afternoon, I read it and then I sent it to my wife via email. This is what I said:

Hi Sweetie, I know that right now may not be the best time to read this. But maybe one day you can take a look at this web-site and maybe find something that deep down you are looking for.

http://www.smartmarriages.com/does.divorce.html

Love Ya!
END OF EMAIL

Your kindness to me in this time of need brings me peace. Thank you so much for caring.

God Bless and keep the prayers coming.
  #64  
Old Apr 14, '11, 12:42 pm
TexasCatholic99 TexasCatholic99 is offline
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Join Date: March 22, 2011
Posts: 114
Religion: Catholic
Default Re: My wife wants a divorce

Quote:
Originally Posted by Serap View Post
I wanted to point something else out. You say you are not a "yeller", but you don't have to yell to verbally abuse someone. Any kind of putdown or discredit of their feelings, is verbal abuse. Stonewalling is a form of non-verbal abuse.

You admit to doing this over the years...you abused her by withholding love and support and telling her to keep the house clean or get a job. You made her feel neglected by taking away the best years that she could have had with her children.

I am on your side; please don't get me wrong..I just wanted to point out that verbal abuse and non-verbal abuse can come in many different forms. It doesn't require yelling or tempers.

It could be a put down, with a "I was just joking" response. It could be a resonse like, "Why do you want to go to college? It's not like you're going to be a rocket scientist!"

All of this can add up and become an abusive marriage. I'm not saying that she has never been abusive to you; you have only told us that you treated her wrongly, by not taking her dreams and needs seriously.
Thank you for your comments and suggestions.

Yes ma'am, I did turn a nose to her dreams on occassion. The kids were going to school full time when I "asked" her to go to work and or keep the house cleaner. And as far as college goes, we discussed her going back after we were better financially stable. We were too busy with after school activities. The kids just consumed both of our time, football, basketball, baseball and gymnastics. Most nights (4 out of 7) we would only see each other before we went to bed, but it wasn't an everyday thing.

We went on vacation as a family, camping, hiking, Seaworld, Schlitterbahn (Water Park) and San Antonio. We lived in Europe and road the train to fun places like Castles, water parks, theme parks and old Church's. We even camped in Germanies Black Forest and another place they call Little Switzerland. We had fun!

We agreed for her to start taking classes online (within the past 4 years) and she has been doing that for a while (one class per semester and one time she took 2 in a semester because we could afford it). I guess she is just anxious and wants to do it all before it's too late (she has 19 hours right now). I am not sure what too late is, but I think she might know.

I am not trying to make excuses. I know that I was wrong, on average I probably made ugly remarks a few times a year. It was not a daily, weekly or even a monthly thing. Nonetheless, I did it. Her reason for wanting a divorce is still that she is not in LOVE WITH ME, but claims to still love me. I got it, I pray for help, I pray that one day a spark of love for me will one day come back into her heart.

I took her lunch today at home. She was painting our room (finishing) when I came in and told her that I had brought her lunch. I told her that I thought she would be hungry after working on it all morning. She said that she wasn't hungry. I told her that she could take it to work and have it for lunch tomorrow. She then begin to eat her Broc & Cheddar soup. She enjoyed the tea and I hope she ate the turkey with provolone sandwitch. She Thanked me.

I went to watch a game (The Last Stros, Astros) with some friends last night. She was curious about who I was with, I told her friends. I needed to get out of the house and enjoy myself even if it were only for a few hours. I needed some company and some male bonding. She thought it was odd, let me explain. I am one of those husbands/Dads who comes home everyday after work and does something with his kids or in the garden, I don't go to bars that often and when I do go I usually ask her if she wants to go, she usually doesn't. I try to take her to a movie, sometimes we go but usually she doesn't want to go. And yes I watch the Chick Flicks, LOL. I do not fool around on her.

Tonight I am going to a Saint Vincient De Paul (SVDP) meeting @ 7. I left the group a few years ago because my partner got married and life got kind of busy. I miss it. I asked my wife to come, but she did not want to. I told her that that was ok.

Take care everyone and God Bless, keep the prayers and comments coming, it helps.
  #65  
Old Apr 14, '11, 12:55 pm
GraceDK GraceDK is offline
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Default Re: My wife wants a divorce

Quote:
Originally Posted by TexasCatholic99 View Post
Thank you for your comments and suggestions.

Yes ma'am, I did turn a nose to her dreams on occassion. The kids were going to school full time when I "asked" her to go to work and or keep the house cleaner. And as far as college goes, we discussed her going back after we were better financially stable. We were too busy with after school activities. The kids just consumed both of our time, football, basketball, baseball and gymnastics. Most nights (4 out of 7) we would only see each other before we went to bed, but it wasn't an everyday thing.

We went on vacation as a family, camping, hiking, Seaworld, Schlitterbahn (Water Park) and San Antonio. We lived in Europe and road the train to fun places like Castles, water parks, theme parks and old Church's. We even camped in Germanies Black Forest and another place they call Little Switzerland. We had fun!

We agreed for her to start taking classes online (within the past 4 years) and she has been doing that for a while (one class per semester and one time she took 2 in a semester because we could afford it). I guess she is just anxious and wants to do it all before it's too late (she has 19 hours right now). I am not sure what too late is, but I think she might know.

I am not trying to make excuses. I know that I was wrong, on average I probably made ugly remarks a few times a year. It was not a daily, weekly or even a monthly thing. Nonetheless, I did it. Her reason for wanting a divorce is still that she is not in LOVE WITH ME, but claims to still love me. I got it, I pray for help, I pray that one day a spark of love for me will one day come back into her heart.

I took her lunch today at home. She was painting our room (finishing) when I came in and told her that I had brought her lunch. I told her that I thought she would be hungry after working on it all morning. She said that she wasn't hungry. I told her that she could take it to work and have it for lunch tomorrow. She then begin to eat her Broc & Cheddar soup. She enjoyed the tea and I hope she ate the turkey with provolone sandwitch. She Thanked me.

I went to watch a game (The Last Stros, Astros) with some friends last night. She was curious about who I was with, I told her friends. I needed to get out of the house and enjoy myself even if it were only for a few hours. I needed some company and some male bonding. She thought it was odd, let me explain. I am one of those husbands/Dads who comes home everyday after work and does something with his kids or in the garden, I don't go to bars that often and when I do go I usually ask her if she wants to go, she usually doesn't. I try to take her to a movie, sometimes we go but usually she doesn't want to go. And yes I watch the Chick Flicks, LOL. I do not fool around on her.

Tonight I am going to a Saint Vincient De Paul (SVDP) meeting @ 7. I left the group a few years ago because my partner got married and life got kind of busy. I miss it. I asked my wife to come, but she did not want to. I told her that that was ok.

Take care everyone and God Bless, keep the prayers and comments coming, it helps.
Brother..
Its so hard to read your posts. My heart goes out to you.
Are you sure you are not exaggerating your guilt here?
This "Im not in love with you anymore" argument for divorce is really not okay... What did she expect, to live on a pink cloud for the rest of her life?
You become in love on and of in marriage, but only if you work on it..
Seems like your wife is acting infantile.
I hope at some point soon you will tell her that you will not grant her a divorce. It cannot be done. Your marriage is valid. You are her husband, and she needs to take responsibility ...

The new details about her working when children were in school.. that changes things. I think you should not be too sweet, like a door mat now. Show her that you have self respect.. and frankly you have a right to be angry about her threatening to break the vows she made to you fully consciously and selfishly.. I think its also good you go out with your pals.

  #66  
Old Apr 14, '11, 2:12 pm
Serap Serap is offline
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Join Date: August 18, 2008
Posts: 7,161
Religion: Catholic
Default Re: My wife wants a divorce

Quote:
Originally Posted by TexasCatholic99 View Post
Thank you for your comments and suggestions.

Yes ma'am, I did turn a nose to her dreams on occassion. The kids were going to school full time when I "asked" her to go to work and or keep the house cleaner. And as far as college goes, we discussed her going back after we were better financially stable. We were too busy with after school activities. The kids just consumed both of our time, football, basketball, baseball and gymnastics. Most nights (4 out of 7) we would only see each other before we went to bed, but it wasn't an everyday thing.

We went on vacation as a family, camping, hiking, Seaworld, Schlitterbahn (Water Park) and San Antonio. We lived in Europe and road the train to fun places like Castles, water parks, theme parks and old Church's. We even camped in Germanies Black Forest and another place they call Little Switzerland. We had fun!

We agreed for her to start taking classes online (within the past 4 years) and she has been doing that for a while (one class per semester and one time she took 2 in a semester because we could afford it). I guess she is just anxious and wants to do it all before it's too late (she has 19 hours right now). I am not sure what too late is, but I think she might know.

I am not trying to make excuses. I know that I was wrong, on average I probably made ugly remarks a few times a year. It was not a daily, weekly or even a monthly thing. Nonetheless, I did it. Her reason for wanting a divorce is still that she is not in LOVE WITH ME, but claims to still love me. I got it, I pray for help, I pray that one day a spark of love for me will one day come back into her heart.

I took her lunch today at home. She was painting our room (finishing) when I came in and told her that I had brought her lunch. I told her that I thought she would be hungry after working on it all morning. She said that she wasn't hungry. I told her that she could take it to work and have it for lunch tomorrow. She then begin to eat her Broc & Cheddar soup. She enjoyed the tea and I hope she ate the turkey with provolone sandwitch. She Thanked me.

I went to watch a game (The Last Stros, Astros) with some friends last night. She was curious about who I was with, I told her friends. I needed to get out of the house and enjoy myself even if it were only for a few hours. I needed some company and some male bonding. She thought it was odd, let me explain. I am one of those husbands/Dads who comes home everyday after work and does something with his kids or in the garden, I don't go to bars that often and when I do go I usually ask her if she wants to go, she usually doesn't. I try to take her to a movie, sometimes we go but usually she doesn't want to go. And yes I watch the Chick Flicks, LOL. I do not fool around on her.

Tonight I am going to a Saint Vincient De Paul (SVDP) meeting @ 7. I left the group a few years ago because my partner got married and life got kind of busy. I miss it. I asked my wife to come, but she did not want to. I told her that that was ok.

Take care everyone and God Bless, keep the prayers and comments coming, it helps.
You are a good man. You can try to mend the marriage, but don't let her take advantage of you either. Sometimes in marriage, one person has to put in 90% while the other is putting in 10%. It's not fair, but that's the way marriage can be sometimes. Just make sur that she treats you with respect despite her feelings. If she begins to verbally abuse you, don't put up with it. Christ has asked her to respect you just as Christ has asked you to love your wife as He loves His church.

You sound like a "good boy" as my priest friend would say

We all make mistakes in marriage. We are all abusers sometimes in marriage. We are human and we are not perfect. If I were in her shoes, I would come around eventually. I'm a forgiving person. Don't give up hope!
__________________




  #67  
Old Apr 18, '11, 1:21 pm
TexasCatholic99 TexasCatholic99 is offline
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Join Date: March 22, 2011
Posts: 114
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Default Re: My wife wants a divorce

Good afternoon everyone, thanks again for the prayers and thoughts.

SERAP, I will not let her start abusing me. But, right now she is not doing that. We are actually treating each other very well. Right now it is mostly me giving and her receiving, but that is ok, I am just happy with her talking to me.

This morning I asked her if she wouldn't mind giving me about 20 to 30 minutes of her time, she hesitated and then said that that was ok, I guess. So right before lunch I went home and we talked.

On Friday I was given a book by a close friend called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. I could not put it down and finished reading it this morning.

I sat down on the couch and she sat across from me in my recliner.

I asked her if she wouldn't mind me going with her to pick up her cousin in Florida? I told her that I would take off from work and go with her. We could leave the kids with their grandparents and we could go. At first she asked me why I wanted to do that, I told her because I loved her and that she probably would need some help. She said ok and that we will see what happens. I also told her that I have come up with a plan for her to attend college, she didn't say anything. I also told her that I came up with a plan to pay to get her van fixed. It doesn't have any serious problems and looks nice, but it could use some mechanical work. She didn't say much about any of it, but I think she was somewhat relieved to hear me say that I wanted to go with her to Florida to move her cousin here.

Earlier last week I asked her to go to a work Hail and Farewell diner on 6 May. She asked me about the date again and I told her that it was 6 May. Late last week she was told that she had to go out of town for some training and that it would run all the way to 6 May, that's a Friday (Mon-Fri) class. When I asked her a week ago she did not realize that she was not told at the time she had yes to the diner. I told her that if she could not make it that I would understand. She told me that she would try and get back in time for it. I thanked her and then I told her the following:

Iím sorry. I know I know I have hurt you, but I would like to make the future different. I would like to Love you in your language. I would like to meet your needs.

Letís find out what your language is (read the book). The five Love Languages are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch.
There is a short (30 questions) Profile questionaire to find out which one you are. She somewhat agreed to do it with me. She was very hesitant to answer some of the questions but with some resentment she did finally answer them all.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

I then read her a short story in the book that Dr Chapman describes. Similar to ours but without adultry, his story had the man committing adultry (Read page 144-148). As much as she has told me, she has not done that, neither have I. She didn't say a word

Then I told her the following:

LOVE IS A CHOICE, it is a feeling that we can either choose or not. After a moment of silience she told me that she choses not to love me anymore. I said that I understand and that I would wait.

I ALSO TOLD HER THAT I WASNíT GOING TO STOP LOVING HER NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS. And that I loved her and will continue to say it even if she doesn't say it back.

The last thing I did was put the book on the coffee table and asked her to read it.

Before I walked out to go back to work I told her that I loved her.

I hope I didn't sound too desparate. Maybe I am, my mother in law told me something once. "There is no pride when it comes to love".

Thanks again for all of the prayers and God Bless everyone for hearing me.
  #68  
Old Apr 18, '11, 3:22 pm
TheRealJuliane TheRealJuliane is offline
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Join Date: October 11, 2010
Posts: 19,026
Religion: Roman Catholic
Default Re: My wife wants a divorce

Ouch. If my husband told me straight out that he chooses not to love me any more, I would be crushed. And I would think "it's over," and I would give up. I am very glad you are not like me!



The Love Language concept is great - it's a good shorthand for taking care of each other in ways that touch the heart. Of course, ideally, we would give each other ALL of those things in correct proportion, but as wounded as some of us are, we can usually only manage 1 or 2 main ones. My love language is #1 - words of affirmation and #2 - acts of service. My husband's is also words, but he doesn't give any affirmation and I find myself only performing acts of service. I assumed that was my own love language until I took the on line quiz.

Whatever your wife's love language, I hope you can fill her heart with what she needs in order to recreate your marriage.

Prayers going up for you both!

  #69  
Old Apr 19, '11, 6:15 am
Serap Serap is offline
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Join Date: August 18, 2008
Posts: 7,161
Religion: Catholic
Default Re: My wife wants a divorce

Quote:
Originally Posted by TexasCatholic99 View Post
Good afternoon everyone, thanks again for the prayers and thoughts.

SERAP, I will not let her start abusing me. But, right now she is not doing that. We are actually treating each other very well. Right now it is mostly me giving and her receiving, but that is ok, I am just happy with her talking to me.

This morning I asked her if she wouldn't mind giving me about 20 to 30 minutes of her time, she hesitated and then said that that was ok, I guess. So right before lunch I went home and we talked.

On Friday I was given a book by a close friend called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. I could not put it down and finished reading it this morning.

I sat down on the couch and she sat across from me in my recliner.

I asked her if she wouldn't mind me going with her to pick up her cousin in Florida? I told her that I would take off from work and go with her. We could leave the kids with their grandparents and we could go. At first she asked me why I wanted to do that, I told her because I loved her and that she probably would need some help. She said ok and that we will see what happens. I also told her that I have come up with a plan for her to attend college, she didn't say anything. I also told her that I came up with a plan to pay to get her van fixed. It doesn't have any serious problems and looks nice, but it could use some mechanical work. She didn't say much about any of it, but I think she was somewhat relieved to hear me say that I wanted to go with her to Florida to move her cousin here.

Earlier last week I asked her to go to a work Hail and Farewell diner on 6 May. She asked me about the date again and I told her that it was 6 May. Late last week she was told that she had to go out of town for some training and that it would run all the way to 6 May, that's a Friday (Mon-Fri) class. When I asked her a week ago she did not realize that she was not told at the time she had yes to the diner. I told her that if she could not make it that I would understand. She told me that she would try and get back in time for it. I thanked her and then I told her the following:

Iím sorry. I know I know I have hurt you, but I would like to make the future different. I would like to Love you in your language. I would like to meet your needs.

Letís find out what your language is (read the book). The five Love Languages are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch.
There is a short (30 questions) Profile questionaire to find out which one you are. She somewhat agreed to do it with me. She was very hesitant to answer some of the questions but with some resentment she did finally answer them all.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

I then read her a short story in the book that Dr Chapman describes. Similar to ours but without adultry, his story had the man committing adultry (Read page 144-148). As much as she has told me, she has not done that, neither have I. She didn't say a word

Then I told her the following:

LOVE IS A CHOICE, it is a feeling that we can either choose or not. After a moment of silience she told me that she choses not to love me anymore. I said that I understand and that I would wait.

I ALSO TOLD HER THAT I WASNíT GOING TO STOP LOVING HER NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS. And that I loved her and will continue to say it even if she doesn't say it back.

The last thing I did was put the book on the coffee table and asked her to read it.

Before I walked out to go back to work I told her that I loved her.

I hope I didn't sound too desparate. Maybe I am, my mother in law told me something once. "There is no pride when it comes to love".

Thanks again for all of the prayers and God Bless everyone for hearing me.
No not at all are you silly. If this marriage doesn't work out, at least you can walk away knowing you did your best.
__________________




  #70  
Old Apr 19, '11, 7:12 am
mybundlesofjoy mybundlesofjoy is offline
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Default Re: My wife wants a divorce

I think you are doing an awesome job and I think you should keep it up. Don't fall to the mindset that you have rights, etc... this is your pride that would talk. It really is immaterial. You do what you know is right, and that's it. One thing I noticed that I would be careful about is that I see you have a tendency to say "I want to fix your van" or "I figured out how you can go to college", etc... I am pretty independent (don't know if your wife is or not), but I would say that it would be best to approach it: Do you want to go to college, or would you rather save money and just be a stay-at-home Mom, or something else? I'm totally in support of whatever you want to do in that regard". Something like that. But if she likes you to control the situations, then by all means proceed as you are doing. Has she ever complained about you controlling her or things?

I'm curious, what was her love language? We can load you up with tips if we know that.

And I TOTALLY recommend watching fireproof!!!!!! You HAVE to!!
I would be careful about going out with the guys!!! And the bars!!! That's a huge no-no, in my opinion. I have a great marriage and I would be nervous if my husband did that, especially the bars! Is there any other way you can unwind, like going out with one of the kids or a relative or someone who would be less "controversial" in the wife's eyes? Also, ASK her if she minds you doing this stuff. You are a husband, you don't have the right to just go and do whatever you want, you need to ask her permission: "Do you mind if I run off to Home Depot to grab this?" or "My buddys invited me over to their house, do you mind if I go on Saturday?" My husband and I both do this with each other. We work out each thing we are going to do. Sounds like there is a bit too much separation of lives, you need to meld more with one another.

All that being said, It really sounds like you are doing a great job!!! Try not to get hung up on things that you think are "right".... like sending her links about how damaging divorce is. I think I would have taken that the wrong way were I in her shoes.

There is nothing more endearing than a "knight" who is trying to woo you... keep it up and I think you will find that it works well, make sure you don't slack off in what you are doing! Write a list of things that you are doing, see her reaction and see if you can keep track of what she seems to enjoy and like, and put stars next to those in your notebook and focus on them!
  #71  
Old Apr 19, '11, 12:10 pm
TexasCatholic99 TexasCatholic99 is offline
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Join Date: March 22, 2011
Posts: 114
Religion: Catholic
Default Re: My wife wants a divorce

Quote:
Originally Posted by mybundlesofjoy View Post
I think you are doing an awesome job and I think you should keep it up. Don't fall to the mindset that you have rights, etc... this is your pride that would talk. It really is immaterial. You do what you know is right, and that's it. One thing I noticed that I would be careful about is that I see you have a tendency to say "I want to fix your van" or "I figured out how you can go to college", etc... I am pretty independent (don't know if your wife is or not), but I would say that it would be best to approach it: Do you want to go to college, or would you rather save money and just be a stay-at-home Mom, or something else? I'm totally in support of whatever you want to do in that regard". Something like that. But if she likes you to control the situations, then by all means proceed as you are doing. Has she ever complained about you controlling her or things?
I'm curious, what was her love language? We can load you up with tips if we know that.
And I TOTALLY recommend watching fireproof!!!!!! You HAVE to!!
I would be careful about going out with the guys!!! And the bars!!! That's a huge no-no, in my opinion. I have a great marriage and I would be nervous if my husband did that, especially the bars! Is there any other way you can unwind, like going out with one of the kids or a relative or someone who would be less "controversial" in the wife's eyes? Also, ASK her if she minds you doing this stuff. You are a husband, you don't have the right to just go and do whatever you want, you need to ask her permission: "Do you mind if I run off to Home Depot to grab this?" or "My buddys invited me over to their house, do you mind if I go on Saturday?" My husband and I both do this with each other. We work out each thing we are going to do. Sounds like there is a bit too much separation of lives, you need to meld more with one another.
All that being said, It really sounds like you are doing a great job!!! Try not to get hung up on things that you think are "right".... like sending her links about how damaging divorce is. I think I would have taken that the wrong way were I in her shoes.
There is nothing more endearing than a "knight" who is trying to woo you... keep it up and I think you will find that it works well, make sure you don't slack off in what you are doing! Write a list of things that you are doing, see her reaction and see if you can keep track of what she seems to enjoy and like, and put stars next to those in your notebook and focus on them!
Thanks for the coments and blessings, it is much appreciated.
I think she wants me to fix things for her. She ask me to do things for her all of the time and she doesn't seem to mind me doing them. I do my best to come up with a plan and then take care of it. So maybe she is somewhat dependant on me for some things.
She had a 9 in "Words of Affirmation". Her next two highest scores were 7's in Quality Time and Acts of Service. I had two love languages and scored an 8 on both Acts of Service and Physical touch. The other ones were low numbers.
I have been telling her nice things for the past several weeks, how good she is looking, you made a great diner, these are just a few examples. Today at our son's doctors appointment I told him that my son is doing well in school because my wife has been working with him and that she does a great job.
You are right about going out with the guys. I do ask her if it is okay and if there is anything I can do for her. But, she tells me go ahead and go and that she doesn't need anything. She doesn't say it, but she makes it sound like "what do I care". That's okay, I kind of know that she is concerned about it. The first night I did it she kind of inquired about who I was with and what I did. I told her.I almost thought for a moment that she cared.
As far as going and doing something else other than going out and having a beer. Well, I am going to give you an example of my week. I work Mon-Fri 8-5pm. Monday, Wednesdays and Fridays after work I will water the garden and eat diner, then at 7pm I take my daughter to softball practice until 9PM. When I get home I will ask my wife if I can do anything for her before I go and workout. I usually will fold some laundry or put away dish's. I usually try and leave to work out around 9:30PM and get home around 10PM. I workout late because I want to put my kids to bed. Tues and Thurs are baseball practice and softball game nights and we usually get home around 9:30. I might go and workout after that, but usually keep it local, around the house. We usually have a tournament or two every weekend, if one is not playing the other one is, if nobody is playing then we have practices. On the rare weekend we are not at a tournament I try and focus on the house and clean it. Then I will BBQ for the family and ask my two older boys to come over and enjoy. She/wife misses about half of all of this and it is left up to me to coordinate and or take the kids to where they need to be. You would think that we are doing too much but my wife accepts it and wants me to get them to their activities. That's one of the things she is in full agreement with as far as our separation goes. She doesn't want that interrupted.
I don't go out that often and never have. I just need to talk to someone and right now she is not willing to be there for me.
Is Fireproof a movie? Is it online or on a video that I can rent?
I will take your advice and stop sending her links, I have sent her two.
I am going to continue the rest of my comments on another reply, it will not let me write much more.
God Bless and thank you all so very much for your comments and prayers
  #72  
Old Apr 19, '11, 12:46 pm
Serap Serap is offline
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Default Re: My wife wants a divorce

I don't mind if my husband goes out with the guys as long as it's not instead of doing something with me. See the difference? If she's ok with it, then it's ok.
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  #73  
Old Apr 19, '11, 1:00 pm
TexasCatholic99 TexasCatholic99 is offline
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Join Date: March 22, 2011
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Default Re: My wife wants a divorce

Quote:
Originally Posted by Serap View Post
I don't mind if my husband goes out with the guys as long as it's not instead of doing something with me. See the difference? If she's ok with it, then it's ok.
I see what you are talking about, thanks. Here is the rest of what I was talking about.

I think I mentioned that her cousin and her daughter are coming to live with us in July. The plans for all of this happening were made last year before our problems started. Well this morning I asked her if she could please make sure she/her cousin knows what is going on in our home. She told me why does she need to know? I kind of thought that that was so obvious, but I didn't say that. I said that I thought that she should know and that it was only fair for her, our children, me and her children that she was aware of our situation. She told me that she did not want to tell her. Part of me is telling me that she still does not want anyone to know, maybe because she is still thinking about whether or not she is going to go through with it? I don't know? That's the part I don't understand. And that is also the part I am hoping is true. But she keeps insisting that it will happen?
(Maybe a mistake) I also mentioned to her that I am not sure that I can stay at the house after the divorce. She has been talking about us staying in the house together after the divorce for some time now. I donít want to be away from the kids but it is so hard for me to lie next to her and not be able to cuddle or rub her back or touch her without violating her space. I guess I am hurting right now. But I donít think that I am saying this to hurt her, it is just the painful truth.

After our son's Doctors appt we had a little talk in her car. She told me that she was angry at me for saying the above things to her this morning and that she was confused on how she was going to do it all by herself, both financially and with the kids. I told her that this is what she wants, not me and that I love her and don't want to hurt her and that I do not want this. But I am also hurting, I lie next to you in bed and wonder why after 23 years of marriage this beautiful women doesn't love me anymore. She didn't say anything. She was just mad.
I am confused and praying for guidance.
Thank you and God Bless, please continue helping me with guidance and prayer.
  #74  
Old Apr 19, '11, 1:24 pm
icamay icamay is offline
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Join Date: March 16, 2011
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Default Re: My wife wants a divorce

Don't be her doormat. If she feels that she can't make it on her own, and she can't raise the children by herself, she needs to make her marriage work - that's part of our partnership in those vows! Make this clear to her. I once said to my husband when he said something about seeing how things are going to work out (in marriage counseling, mind you) - "look, buddy, there is no out. You stick it out through thick & thin and put the work in so that you don't want out!" My point - it's OK to stand up to her at this point and let her know what you're fighting for. You can't go eating all of your cake if you still want to have it around later...
  #75  
Old Apr 19, '11, 1:36 pm
redroselover redroselover is offline
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Join Date: December 4, 2010
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Default Re: My wife wants a divorce

OP, I have read all your posts. To let you know , I am middle aged married woman. Here are my reactions. Your wife sounds depressed. You two seem to be guessing at what each is truly feeling, but not actually sharing. That says to me you are not truly communicating, yes, you talk about how to run the house and kids, but I mean really and truly connecting on a deep emotional level. And I don't just mean saying I love you. I have to wonder if the loss of taking care of her kids has robbed her somewhat of her self esteem and some of the comments from her that seem self centered deep down are masking depression and damaged self esteem and grief. I would think hard about going out with the guys right now. You need to be focusing on the relationship with her and it is going to take alot of time and you both work and have kids so finding time is going to be hard. Find time every single day to focus on her. I sense she is uncomfortable with your going out with guys. She has said she wants a divorce but if she has mixed feelings deep down about that, she may be afraid of your going out with the guys since she may fear her own driving you away, that you will actually take he up on it , and maybe even start looking around for other ladies. Don't say that is ridiculous because you are Catholic. She could have deep fears and I have to wonder from your posts if the threat of a divorce wasn't simply a cry for help. If you cannot answer what she is truly, honestly feeling on this then that says right there you are not communicating.
She says she is not in love anymore. When someone feels abandoned or neglected, even if they are contributing to the problem by not voicing or asking that their needs be addressed, an emotional detachment can set in. This serves as protection against the grief from the loss. This does not mean you cannot make her fall in love with you again,especially since she said she still loves you.
Treating her like a queen, help around the house, tell her you love her,etc can help, but I would try to get her to open up about her feelings, deep down feelings, deep fears , hurts. If she can do that and you can listen, truly listen she will feel connected to you. If she can;t do this yet, you go first. Courageously share your deepest feelings and fears and vulnerability.
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