affair

[needsomehelp]

I will say a prayer for you and what you are going through. Thoughts are with you..

This is exactly the same kind of reason why sleeping around before marriage is hurtful. I love how everyone diss-associates premarital sex as something of the past, but an affair is treated in a different manner. They are the same thing and my heart and prayers go out to you.

[redroselover]

well yes, he better do some serious respectful courting,

[TheRealJuliane]

Originally Posted by needsomehelp

I will say a prayer for you and what you are going through. Thoughts are with you..

This is exactly the same kind of reason why sleeping around before marriage is hurtful. I love how everyone diss-associates premarital sex as something of the past, but an affair is treated in a different manner. They are the same thing and my heart and prayers go out to you.

I know this is driving you crazy right now, but could you stop with the sweeping generalizations on every thread? Who is this "everyone" that you write about? You've just joined, I doubt if you've even met "everyone" on this forum, let alone "everyone in the world."

[needsomehelp]

Originally Posted by TheRealJuliane

I know this is driving you crazy right now, but could you stop with the sweeping generalizations on every thread? Who is this "everyone" that you write about? You've just joined, I doubt if you've even met "everyone" on this forum, let alone "everyone in the world."

I have read a long time - but just recently have posted, as I tend to listen more than talk.

[TheRealJuliane]

Originally Posted by needsomehelp

I have read a long time - but just recently have posted, as I tend to listen more than talk.

Yeah, I didn't see your join date.

[st_felicity]

Originally Posted by prayers19

He was very good in redirecting our conversation and kept my husband on track regarding not what he needed, but what he thought I needed. This did give me hope.

I guess I'm more black and white--either he "gets" it, or he doesn't. I'm sorry to be a wet blanket, but if my husband was still talking about what he "needs" after that sort of betrayal, I would rather be discouraged than hopeful.

But I also understand I need to give him hope. We talked and I made it clear that he had to continue in counseling and that he need to "court me".

I went through counselling where this was suggested also. I felt it was false--I needed to trust him, not flowers, intimate diners, and soft words. I needed consistency and transparency and to see him open himself to healing. What is "courting?" I don't think men understand what that means "to court"--what it looks like. I think it comes across as "buying back affection." After all--you are married and there has been betrayal. Would you have even given the time of day, let alone date/allow to court you, a guy that treated you that way BEFORE you married? I sure wouldn't.

[DaddyGirl]

Originally Posted by prayers19

I want to know what he told the woman he had the affair with in order for her to sleep with him. Is that unrealistic, I don't know. what kind of woman sleeps with a married man, these are things I continue to think about. .

I'm going to guess he told her he loves her, not you. That she's The One.
This is what men usually say to their lovers, yes?

[prayers19]

yes i suppose...although I am now further along....im not needing additional information now. we are both working with therapist and our priest to get us through. I don't know if the marriage can be saved but at this moment am working on it. I just feel very insecure and he is attempting to make me feel better about our marriage.

[st_felicity]

Originally Posted by prayers19

yes i suppose...although I am now further along....im not needing additional information now. we are both working with therapist and our priest to get us through. I don't know if the marriage can be saved but at this moment am working on it. I just feel very insecure and he is attempting to make me feel better about our marriage.

I hope and pray it works out for you.

[CatholicMom1907]

First off - my heart goes out to you. I am in the same situation as you. My husband had a "fling" or affair for 4 months and spent thousands of our dollars doing so and took multiple extravagant vacations with this coworker. I was caught off guard and thought we were perfectly happy and madly in love besides the stress of our first baby. I just found out a month ago. He lied and denied the truth even once he was caught. He never came clean with anything I didn't already find out about on my own and I struggle with trust every second of every day - it seems.

He says he is sorry but his actions show that he is willing to do very little to gain that trust back and show his true love for me. He only gives me words which have a history of being lies and can't be trusted. It seems like he is only sorry that he was caught. I'm sure he loves me, that's why he wants to keep me but continue to be selfish and in my opinion that is not the way I deserve to be loved.

I am praying (although many days it's hard to even do that), have joined a group for people that have been cheated on (although up until now it's only been email support), talked to marriage counselors, other counselors and priests. I've read books and recommend "Tough Love" which was recommended to me by someone else who was in the same situation.

The best piece of advice I've received so far are:
1. Continue to pray and find peace and strength in God
2. Get him to go to Retrouvaille and make sure you stay the entire time (apparently a lot of people leave and can't handle it). I'm trying to get my husband to do the same.
3. Make sure you do not enable his behavior. A priest told me that showing true love for someone is to make sure you don't enable behavior that is detrimental to you, to him, and your relationships with God. Forgiving does not necessarily mean taking him back. Sometimes you have to let someone fall so that they can get back up on their own. Otherwise they will always assume you will catch them and never learn anything from the situation.
4. Get other marriage counseling and your own counselor for yourself because most friends and family can't truely understand what you're going through and I know how alone you can feel
5. Take your time...I've heard that it is so important that you don't make a decision about the rest of your life in a time of emotional trauma and it can take a minimum of 3 months to years. Wait until you can make an informed decision that you can be at peace with
6. Allow yourself to feel anger, sadness, etc.... that is a normal reaction as your marriage is "sick".
7. In the meantime, as hard as it is and as depressed as you are (if you're like me), try to focus on being the best you can be....for God, for you and your family. Try to focus on your physical, mental and spirtitual health and surround yourself by loving supportive people.
8. Recognize that he is at least seeing a priest (that is more than my husband has done) and also recognize that it will take years of him putting forth a solid effort to gain that trust back. He must earn it though. If he's like my husband, he's probably a sweet talker and thinks saying nice things is enough but actions do speak louder than words.
9. Let him show you that you can trust him by him keeping his word about little things and big things, by his pro-actively trying to show you he can be trusted even if it makes him uncomfortable to show you his emails, phone history, bank statements, etc., I also think it's important that he shows he respects you, your feelings, what you're going through and is patient with your changing emotions.
10. Lastly, I would look for true change in your husband to know that he is truly sorry. Like I said, my husband keeps saying he's sorry but will do little else besides counseling. He has yet to take any advice from the counselor. He is still avoiding trying to fix what he has done and make it up to me. He just wants things to blow over. Don't let that happen! Again, he must show you his love (of you and himself) by making a valient effort to show you he's changed, loves you, and can be trusted ... no matter how long it takes.

Of course this is all advice that I need to take too. It's easier said that done - especially when you're very depressed and feel alone in all of this. But know that there are others like you in the same situation and grieving as you are. Know that besides your friends and family - God, the saints, the angels, and your family in heaven are all there with you supporting you and comforting you. Remember "Footprints in the Sand" and that this pain will not be forever.

A counselor reminded me that God was betrayed by someone he loved and suffered for our sins. But he took such a horrible act and turned into the most beautiful act because he loves us. Don't feel hopeless. There is ALWAYS hope and it's possible you and your husband can turn your marriage around into a beautiful thing and grow closer to God as a result. Maybe this was the wake up call that he needed to truly change, be less selfish, and a more spiritual person? And if he decides not to change, you can still turn this situation into a beautiful thing for yourself even if it means moving on to find peace, forgiveness and be the best person you can for God and yourself. I've been told that forgiveness is more meaningful for the one forgiving than the one being forgiven. I hope you can find the forgiveness so that you do not have to suffer with this anymore and let it bring you down or make you sick. Don't let it be an obstacle between you and God. Let the bitterness and resentment melt away so that you can be happy - even though it feels that will never be possible.

Good luck and I will pray for you also and the conversion of your marriage and husband.

Janet

[CatholicMom1907]

Also, I'm curious to see if things are getting any better for you. I will pray everyday for you. If you need to vent with someone going through something very similar, my email is janetbeatty@gmail.com. I could also use the support and prayers. We'll get through this. I promise!

[BruceDern]

Originally Posted by prayers19

yes i suppose...although I am now further along....im not needing additional information now. we are both working with therapist and our priest to get us through. I don't know if the marriage can be saved but at this moment am working on it. I just feel very insecure and he is attempting to make me feel better about our marriage.

My heart goes out to you.Your marriage CAN be saved. I felt the pain and hollowness in your heart myself. I have been married 18 years my wife has had several affairs. The first one was 10 years ago with a man I work with. Keep praying for the Lord to take this burden of hate and pain from you and He will.
I am still married and have 3 teenagers. I have been with her to many therapists and preists over the years. I pray the rosary often and will pray for you. Forgiveness was very difficult for me. It may take a long time. Longer then you want it to....but remember we live on God's time.

[prayers19]

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. Still seeing our priest, he is still in counseling and we have decided to do intensive couple counseling which isn't traditional. I found them through our church and they have a high success rate for saving marriages... He has done a lot of apologizing and he is trying to be more considerate of my feelings. As I told the counselor I'm still on the fence because of the trust issue. Also waiting for our BAN meetings to start again. I have found some good people who have been encouraging, helpful and supportive throughout this process. I'm still having a hard time dealing with the anger and sadness. I honestly believe that all the prayers have been very helfpul as I don't think I would be where I am now.

I pray for others who are in the same situation. Thanks again. God Bless

[TheRealJuliane]

Originally Posted by prayers19

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. Still seeing our priest, he is still in counseling and we have decided to do intensive couple counseling which isn't traditional. I found them through our church and they have a high success rate for saving marriages... He has done a lot of apologizing and he is trying to be more considerate of my feelings. As I told the counselor I'm still on the fence because of the trust issue. Also waiting for our BAN meetings to start again. I have found some good people who have been encouraging, helpful and supportive throughout this process. I'm still having a hard time dealing with the anger and sadness. I honestly believe that all the prayers have been very helfpul as I don't think I would be where I am now.

I pray for others who are in the same situation. Thanks again. God Bless

What is BAN? I have never heard of it.

I can empathize with you - my husband spent time with a woman while he was overseas on a business trip. He swore that he did not have an affair but he was not going to tell me...I could tell from his behavior that something was wrong. He finally told me and I tried to believe him that he didn't do anything with her, but then a few months later I found a letter from her that he had kept in his briefcase (I went in there for another reason and happened to find it). That said to me that something had happened between them, although he swore up and down that nothing had happened (nothing sexual). Guess what, I made the decision to stay because our children were very young, but I have never trusted him in the same way again. His father was an adulterer so he knows the pain it causes but I have heard of some people who go through this in their childhood with their parents yet they repeat the same pattern.

Anyway, trust is very hard to regain after a betrayal. This is something we are going to have to discuss in marital counseling, to put to rest if possible. At least my husband needs to know that he did harm to our relationship that isn't easy to heal.

[distraughtlost]

Originally Posted by TheRealJuliane

What is BAN? I have never heard of it.

The Beyond Affairs Network