Why is becoming Catholic so hard?!

[suissemissed]

I have some ranting to do, if no one minds. I live in the United States, and I don't know about other parts of the world (I know this depends on the bishops' conference), but the process by which one enters the Church here SUCKS. I realized I needed to become a Catholic in January of LAST year... I promptly entered my local parish's RCIA program. The church was small, and they only had classes from September to Easter, so I was told I had joined too late. They simply arbitrarily said, "Wait until next Easter." So I swallowed that pill and accepted it. When September came, my family and I (I'm still with my parents) moved, and so I started attending a much bigger parish near our new home. RCIA went year-round, so I jumped right in. They told me I would enter the Church "whenever [I was] ready", but I soon learned all that really meant was that it would be at Easter regardless of how knowledgeable I was about the Faith, how long I had lived as a Christian, how long I had been going to Mass, etc.

Then my fiancee moved here from Australia, where she had been attending RCIA for several months as well. At first they told us that she could be Confirmed with me at Easter, but halfway in they changed their minds and pushed her back to Pentecost instead because they "didn't know her well enough." This, combined with the fact that one of the RCIA team members picked on her because of her apprehension with public speaking, caused her to be very hurt with how she (and to a certain degree me as well) were treated simply as pieces of paper and not as human beings.

So we left that parish (making our sponsors rather upset), and joined another parish about half an hour away. The RCIA there was much smaller and more welcoming than our other parish - they said we both could be Confirmed at Easter without any trouble. But then another problem occurred: my fiancee's and my marriage. Because she came to the U.S. on a visa waiver program, she could only stay 90 days, and then she had to leave (her waiver expired about a week after Easter, to be precise). If we didn't get married before then, it would be at least 6 months before we could have another opportunity to get married again - and being separated like we had been was awful So we talked to our pastor (this was at the former parish while we were still there) and he advised us to marry before entering the Church, because canon law wouldn't apply to us until we entered, and that way we could bypass the mandatory waiting period required in our diocese for pre-cana wedding prep. He said the government was "dictating how we could run our relationship", and we agreed. So we planned to get married before we entered the Church, and everything seemed to be okay - until we learned that my fiancee's family couldn't fly in until after the Easter Vigil. Because we knew that marrying outside the Church would be invalid and (worse) sinful, we told our parish that we would have to postpone entering until after our marriage. Our pastor at the new parish was naturally skeptical about the strangeness of it all, but said that "for serious, justifiable reasons [he] can bring people into the Church outside of Easter", and that we could be eligible for that down the road once we had been with the parish a while. He told us that we had "a lot on our plate" and that we should "take things slowly."

So as of now, I've been waiting to become a Catholic for over 15 months. She's been waiting almost a year. We're both struggling a LOT being outside the Church... going to Mass month after month, being made to feel like an outsider, unable to receive the Lord we love in Holy Communion... it's heartbreaking I've POURED my heart into studying the Catholic Faith since about November of 2009, and have studied non-stop ever since. My wife and I LOVE anything Catholic... We CRAVE to join the Church and fully practice our faith. But Sunday after Sunday, we're not able to. We walk past pictures on Church walls, filled with color photographs of Candidates from this past Easter, all smiling and with a message to "Please pray for our Candidates and Elect!" But we're not in those photos... we're always outside My wife tells me she feels like the Church is in effect saying she's not good enough to be Catholic, she hasn't "done her time" long enough in those boring RCIA classes (which teach us nothing that we don't know already - not that they cared to find that out though). It's made her have serious doubts about the Catholic faith even (not that she'd ever really disbelieve in it). "How can they keep us away from that [Communion] if it's really Jesus? They don't even know me well enough to make that decision, and they don't care to get to know me! If this is really God's Church, how can it treat people this way?" she says. I personally haven't really had much of those thoughts, but I totally understand how she feels. For me, it's been simple disgust, making me want to leave whether I believed in my heart that the Catholic Church is true or not. I wonder if the Orthodox would make me feel more welcome, would treat me like an individual with a soul. My parents have seen how heartbroken the Church has made my wife and I, and it's only fueled their anti-Catholic sentiment... they certainly aren't ANY closer to becoming a Catholic because of how we've been treated - I bet they're further away now

Continued...

[suissemissed]

I can't imagine how many people have left or refused to enter the Church because of how it "evangelized" them, if you can even apply such a holy word to the Church's American RCIA program. It's a far-cry from the days when St. Peter brought 3,000 into the Church on a mere confession of faith. I wish it would be like that still If it wasn't for my wife and I's extraordinary faith in God and His Church, we'd have left ages ago instead of putting up with this. My wife has shed countless tears over this... she left a meeting with our former RCIA director in tears because of the treatment she received there. A couple Sundays ago, I was at an afternoon Mass, and towards the end during the Eucharistic celebration, I was literally bawling in front of everyone while I sat in my pew. I was incredibly angry, and then heartbroken, and then angry again, all in a vicious cycle. But no one came to ask me what was wrong... why would they, nobody cared. If they had, I knew exactly what I would have told them: "I just wish I was Catholic. Don't ever take what you have for granted, you have no idea how precious it is."

My wife and I's prayer is the same: "We just wish we were Catholic." Please, if you are fully Catholic and able to receive Jesus in the Eucharist, DON'T EVER take that for granted!!! NO ONE should be made to suffer and cry their heart out because they can't fully be one with God's family I keep learning about the lives of saints and reading books written by Catholics who seem so happy with their faith... I just wish I was a part of that

[heathernoel]

I am so sorry for all that you've been through. I can sort of relate...

I've been in RCIA for 5 years. My husband is a non confirmed Catholic who was married before outside the church. We've put our children through Catholic preschool and religious ed. 2 of our girls have had their first communion. I've had three children while waiting in RCIA. I have cried, gotten angry, bitter, and given up.

But, I'm almost there. I have just a few weeks until Pentecost, and finally...finally I can eat at the Lord's table. FINALLY!

It seemed so unfair that I'd have to wait. But what I've learned over the last 5 years is the true meaning to "Thy will be done". I have learned SO much about the church and myself over the last 5 years. I'm more sure of my commitment to the church now than I was 4 years ago.

Take the time you have and keep learning. Pray for guidance, and remember that it's His will. You'll get there one day...I promise!!

[Bbigam]

I'm sorry you're so frustrated. But think of it this way... you have already switched parishes twice, and then halfway through the process you added in a fiance who's a foreign national without a visa. That's naturally going to complicate things. Honestly, it doesn't sound like you've really been mistreated all that much (except for the one person who picked on your fiance).

It is in the best interests of you and of the Church that you be really properly prepared before you enter the Church. This can take a while! It took 14 months for me, and it was all in one parish with no spouse or fiance to consider.

By the way, the Orthodox sometimes have a years-long process.

Persevere and do whatever it takes to enter the Holy Catholic Church and receive the Holy Eucharist!

[WoundedIcon]

I'm with ya. I'm kind of ahead in understanding Christianity having been a Protestant who loves religion like a hobby, and I'm dying to be Catholic. But the RCIA courses just ended, and when I went to them anyways I wasn't exactly given then chance to show my understanding. I guess it's because of my age that they assumed I'd be a bit behind, but to be quite frank I wounded up helping to teach by interjecting my thoughts during the last few meetings in the cycle I did attend. But they act like I'm a walking encyclopedia and like I don't "have it in my heart". I mean, I'm already living and praying as a Catholic and have accepted some of the hardest teachings which would keep me out otherwise (sexuality, etc.) The deacon thinks I'm scrupulous because I keep trying to be zealous and orthodox or something.

[JRKH]

suissemissed,

WOW - What an ordeal

Thank you for sharing this with all of us. I don't think it was a "rant" at all, though I can imagine the emotion that went into writing it....

I can only imagine what God is preparing you for though all of this. It just seems like the "perfect storm" of obstacles in coming into the Church.
I don't really have any advice for you...but certainly the warmest wishes and hopes that things get settled out soon.

You are absolutely right that we must not take what we have for granted.
I was born Catholic and married in the Church I then drifted away, got divorced and remarried outside of the Church. When I began to realize that I needed the Eucharist, I was "stuck" due to my marriage issues. I had to apply for an annulment - which I did not want to do becuase it would dredge up a bunch of stuff for other people - and of course the annulment process takes a fair amount of time as well....
Anyway - It was both frustrating and agonizing trying to get this done, and yet it was worth it.

May God continue to grant you patience and strength on your journey.

Peace
James

[WoundedIcon]

At this point I'm basically catechizing myself online

[achmafooma]

suissemissed, I am sorry that you have had such a difficult time I completely understand your frustration.

Unfortunately, because each Parish has responsibility for its own RCIA program, you can't really 'transfer' between programs...and some are more strict than others. I have heard many stories, some of which make RCIA sound like it's just some motions you go through, and others that probably go to the opposite extreme and make it into a huge, difficult ordeal.

As is often the case, somewhere in the middle would be ideal. We want to welcome people into Christ's Church, but we don't want to do a Baptist-style altar call either (where you never know how serious or un-serious people are).

You might consider making an appointment to speak to your Parish Priest, if you haven't already, about the situation. He has the ultimate authority over when you are welcomed into the Church, and he can decide (based on your and your wife's spiritual readiness) to bypass RCIA entirely if it is appropriate. For example, at our Easter Vigil in my Parish (I help with our RCIA program), there was one woman who received Confirmation without having gone through the classes because she had worked directly with our Priest and he had judged that she was ready.

I will pray for you and your wife. I can only imagine how frustrating this must be, based on my own much-shorter experience of being 'spiritually' Catholic for almost a year before finally entering into full communion and being able to receive the Sacraments. Perhaps this challenge is God's way of building your longing for the Sacraments and teaching patience and humility. Maybe that isn't helpful, but I hope you can find some positives in your experience. Sometimes God teaches us things through inexplicable suffering and frustrations.

God bless you!

[suissemissed]

Thanks everyone for your empathy. One of the things my wife and I want to do when we're fully Catholic and settled in somewhere is eventually become RCIA directors, or at least team members with some sway. We want to be a positive influence in the most important mission the Church has: bringing souls to Heaven. The Catholic Church is the ship of St. Peter, guided by the Holy Spirit through the Pope and the bishops amidst all the storms and changes of life, a rock of unchanging adherence to the Truth of Christ. If one is outside this ship, drowning in the water, he or she shouldn't be made to claw with tooth and nail up the hull to get to safety, where only the strongest in their strength (i.e., their faith) survive. What if someone who is only so-so in their faith inquires about the Church, and wants to become Catholic? What if they'd have "made it" (developed a strong relationship with God leading to salvation) if they were admitted to the fullness of the grace of the Holy Spirit in Confirmation, and the sustaining grace of the Eucharist? But instead they fell away, because they felt unwanted and unloved and didn't have enough faith without the support of the Church to press on? Sts. Peter and the rest of the apostles didn't put people through this nonsense. On Pentecost, 3,000 were brought in on a mere confession of faith, and St. Philip baptized an Ethiopian eunuch in the same way. The eunuch was right in asking "What is there to prevent me from being baptized?" The modern response is, "You aren't prepared and haven't served your time in RCIA yet." The saint's response was, "If you believe in Jesus you may." Who's right? Well, both the Ethiopian Orthodox and Ethiopian Catholic Churches claim their legacy from this one faithful man. But he wasn't prepared... right?

I'm NOT saying that someone who isn't a non-Catholic Christian and who isn't catechized in the Faith at all should just be welcomed in with no questions asked. I'm simply saying that when a couple comes along who have lived as Christians for years, who are practicing Catholics in every way except by taking Communion, and who can accurately judge for themselves the orthodoxy or heterodoxy of priests and RCIA directors, they shouldn't be treated like this.

Originally Posted by WoundedIcon

At this point I'm basically catechizing myself online

Ditto... 95% of my own catechesis has been self-taught, through books, EWTN and the Internet. The only stuff they taught at my former parish was social justice, social justice, and then some more social justice. Doctrine? Dogma? Phooey, who needs that, right? Learn that yourself, it doesn't matter to us

[quiet52]

Dear Suissemissed,

As an RCIA leader I can attest that there are far too many RCIA candidates who adamantly insist that they are "Catholic enough" and deserve to shortcut the process because they are already "ready" to be received into the Church. Then I gradually find out they actually do not fully understand or accept the teachings of the Church. Some people do not know what they do not know, or they don't fully understand that they are expected to embrace (or at least assent to) all the Church's teachings.

I have also learned that participants who most readily get upset about not getting "their way" are those who become most easily upset after they join the Church, and who threaten to leave the Church.

I am not saying this applies in your case, but perhaps that is a concern of your pastor or RCIA coordinator. With so many "cafeteria Catholics" already it is possible that the RCIA leaders in your parish don't want to become a party to increasing their number. They need to take more than your word about your readiness, and they need to see you living the lifestyle, and hear you (what you truly believe). They might want to witness you walking the walk, not just talking the talk. RCIA is more than acquiring knowledge about the faith, it is a process of ongoing transformation in the faith using the knowledge. Have you made a special appointment to meet with your RCIA coordinator or pastor? Have you asked them if they have any particular doubts about your readiness (concerning any particular doctrines, moral teachings, or practice of the faith)? Have you demonstrated that you want to participate in the life of the parish, even something little like ushering or serving donuts, or by helping in an outreach? Have you attended any retreats, or participated in Eucharistic adoration or other spiritually-enriching activities?

In the meantime, rejoice that you are a member of the parish and that you are able to join in the worship of the parish community! Try to pray and participate with joyful anticipation rather than with resentment. Perhaps this trial of faith will be a source of reinforcement for you in future years.

[vince2paul]

The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out; the brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. The brick walls are there to stop the people who don't want it badly enough. They are there to stop the other people!
~Randy Pausch

The only stuff they taught at my former parish was social justice, social justice, and then some more social justice. Doctrine? Dogma? Phooey, who needs that, right? Learn that yourself, it doesn't matter to u

In Indonesia, this is one of the problem in the Catholic Church. Some friends told me, it is post-Vatican II syndrome. Somehow, nobody cares about dogma, doctrines & other teachings of the Church. The religious ed in Catholic school or RCIA only talk about social justice, civic & moral education, how to live in harmony, etc. Yes, they are important, but I believe we must equip the faithful with the proper understanding of the Catholic teaching so that they know the reason when being question by other people.

I've seen so people converted to another church and degraded the Catholic Church.

[suissemissed]

Quiet52,

You'd be the person I'd love to have as my RCIA director! You show a lot of concern for upholding everything the Church teaches, without watering it down, and for ensuring that everyone in your care is taught, understands and accepts the whole Catholic Faith in its entirety.

I have also learned that participants who most readily get upset about not getting "their way" are those who become most easily upset after they join the Church, and who threaten to leave the Church.

Yeah, I can see that being a problem with some people... but for my wife and me it's the opposite. It's only because of our strong faith that the Catholic Church is the truth that we've stayed and continue to endure feeling like outsiders. No religious group has ever made us feel more unwelcome than the Catholic Church At my wife's former Protestant church, the pastors and other lay members were literally itching to make her feel as welcome as possible... they'd even call her when they noticed she hadn't come for a few Sundays, because they wondered if something was wrong! I've NEVER heard of anything of the sort in the Catholic Church, where most people (though not yourself) just don't give a flip. Instead, we have to sit through boring classes that teach us nothing and give us no real preparation, all because they arbitrarily say "you're not ready" when they've barely made any effort to SEE if we're ready to begin with. I don't know how you can say someone's not ready without some actual inquiry into their lives, just like you can't know they are ready without inquiry as well. I think it's horribly lazy, un-Christlike and unloving to just automatically say, "Give us time to get to know you better" because they don't want to take the time to get to know you. That unnecessarily deprives perfectly ready people from the grace they want and need to further their sanctification. Don't we believe that the Holy Spirit comes in Baptism and fills us with grace? Don't we believe that Confirmation strengthens the grace we already have? Doesn't the Eucharist give us grace we otherwise don't have to help us live holier lives? If all of that is true, then why on earth would you keep somebody who's perfectly ready from that?

[Contra Mundum]

Originally Posted by suissemissed

I'm NOT saying that someone who isn't a non-Catholic Christian and who isn't catechized in the Faith at all should just be welcomed in with no questions asked. I'm simply saying that when a couple comes along who have lived as Christians for years, who are practicing Catholics in every way except by taking Communion, and who can accurately judge for themselves the orthodoxy or heterodoxy of priests and RCIA directors, they shouldn't be treated like this.

I'm really sorry you are going through this. I agree with what you say although I think that RCIA is important. Yes, the social justice thing can get a bit boring but going through RCIA has some additional benefits. For example, learning how to be patient. Accepting authority. Dealing with people who are not always nice and not letting that affect your faith. These are important things that we have to learn as Christians and it seems that you have been given the 'gift' of encountering it all early on in your journey. I imagine it is extremely frustrating to be in your shoes right now but please, don't give up. It will be so worth it. Stick with the parish you are at, talk to the parish priest and see if you and your wife could be received at some other date. I don't live in the USA and don't know if that is done, but in many countries people do get received after Easter as well. (For me it was Pentecost, another friend was received for the feast of St. Michael - the priest got permission and that was that).

[JRKH]

suissemissed,
I have picked up on several things in your posts that I think are wonderful, but this is one that I think is the best:

One of the things my wife and I want to do when we're fully Catholic and settled in somewhere is eventually become RCIA directors, or at least team members with some sway. We want to be a positive influence in the most important mission the Church has: bringing souls to Heaven.

The fact that you and your wife, even after and more especially because of what you've seen and felt, feel called to the RCIA ministry makes be believe that this is truly God's will for you.
You are being severely tested, of this there can be no doubt. However, I also believe that God will bring great good fromit and you and your wife will yield 100 fold for your suffering.

Peace
James

[Kat127]

I sat in a Catholic Church for 9 years without receiving Holy Communion. I sat in the pew alone while my whole family went up and received Communion.

In fact most Catholics raised in the faith had a similar experience to mine. Children who are not old enough or have had the education necessary for First Communion do not receive for years. We've all had to sit through the "boring" RCIA class (or some boring education), we all had to wait, we all have to obey the Church's rules.

As for not feeling welcomed or not being comforted in Mass. It is hard to explain the mindset. It isn't that no one cared, in fact you probably had several people praying for you then and there. But Catholics have their own culture norms. Mass is about God and people usually have very intimate and personal experiences in Mass. Those are private. I remember my Dad started to cry once during Mass, all my mother did was place her hand on his. She wasn't being cold- she was being very loving. While it was ok for my dad to cry, it wasn't ok for my mom to turn to him and start a conversation about it. Probably no one felt they knew you well enough to approach you later.

The Catholic Church has a lot of rules. What you are dealing with in RCIA might be a bit extreme especially because you have switched parishes and are dealing with the visa. But it is what you are going to deal with your whole life as a Catholic. When you get married, when you baptize your child, etc. You will have to learn to deal with the rules, and bureaucracy they are part of Catholic life. (Everyone complains about it just like taxes)

Part of being Catholic is obedience. Obedience to your priest in matters of the faith, obedience to God. Sometimes things don't work on your timetable. Sometimes you just have to accept that just because you think you know a better way, doesn't mean you get your way. I have to think of it as a lesson of humility. I have to tell myself that sometimes people know more about things than I do and I have to trust God that it will turn out right.

I hope my post helps. I am sorry you and your future wife are going through such a rough time. But I do think part of your frustration is that you are talking to several different parishes about the situation and getting different answers. Pick one and I think your life will simplify a lot.

Good luck and welcome to the Church.

P.S. Not being able to go to Communion is not because the Church as deemed either of you as unworthy of Christ. Talk to your priest about this, he will explain far better than I can.