Miracle Needed

MiracleNeeded · #1 Jul 7, '11, 3:23 pm

All of my life, I have wanted one thing - to be a supportive wife and stay-at-home mother. I love to cook, entertain, and take care of people. I am highly intelligent and hardworking (I completed my BBA and MBA in 4 years, while working two jobs.) But, always knew that I did not want a career. I wanted to focus all of my energy toward a family, I guess I am very old fashioned! A little over 4 years ago I made a huge mistake in my life. I was 28, and at a point where I was scared I would never marry or have children. I tried to find another path in life, and began visiting schools and preparing to get my PhD, so that I could support myself, I was resolving to myslef that I would never get married or have kids, and trying to make myself ok with that. I began casually dating someone who seemed like a nice guy, but did not have any of the qualities that I usually look for. It really was a casual relationship, and I did not expect it to go anywhere. It was truly just something to pass the time. After a few months, he began pushing to get married. Everyone kept telling me what a nice guy he was (and appeared to be, he is a salesman, and just has that personality that pulls you in.) At first I brushed it off, having no intention of marrying anyone so poorly suited for me. I had written blogs about why marriages seemed to fail, and that people had to have common ground. And, I knew that we had almost nothing in common! But, then I felt something calling me to marry him, and I mistakenly thought it was God. I kept telling the force, no, that I knew this was not the type of man I wanted to marry, our goals and the things we enjoyed were just not compatible. But, I kept feeling it, until I finally gave in. I truly thought it was God telling me to marry this man. (Now, I know there is no way it was God putting me in such a situation.) We married, and within 5 months, I was expecting our first child. The marriage was rocky. He traveled a lot with work. When he was in town, he never wanted to be intimate with me (I am a little surprised I was able to get pregnant, lol!) And, please do not attribute his disinterest in me as being my fault, at the time we married, I looked like a Barbie doll, and had a healthy sexual appetite, myself. When I was 5 months pregnant, I stumbled across his secret. I was up in the middle of the night, which is common for me when pregnant, I just can not sleep! I was on his computer, and in the drop-down menu saw a sex site. I truly was not digging for anything, I did not have any suspicions that would have led me to dig for anything! But, at that point, I did begin digging. I uncovered his profile on a site that connects people for casual physical encounters. It all unraveled from there, and he admitted everything to me, gave me the passwords to all of his alias accounts, email addresses, etc. He had been having random, unprotected sex with dozens of women for years. All while in other states for work, so no one in our hometown suspected a thing. All things considered, I took the news amazingly well. By the grace of God, we did not have any STDs. We went to counseling, and I did everything in my power to be supportive of his addiction, and try to help him through it. The strength I had at that time, amazes me to this day. I put a monitoring software on his computer, and tried very hard to make the marriage work. I had too, we had a son on the way! However, almost exactly one year after I found the secret the first time, I stumbled onto it again.

MiracleNeeded · #2 Jul 7, '11, 3:24 pm

(Continued)
He had gone back to that life, while on the road. This time, I tied again, but not as willingly as I did the first time. We found a Christian Counselor who is a specialist in sex addiction in a town about an hour away. Thankfully, and amazinginly we were again STD free (as far as tests can tell us, anyway.) I really did try for a while. Since that second discovery, I have had one Presbyterian Minister and two Catholic Priests tell me that I had grounds for, and s/could consider a divorce. The Catholic Priests assured me I had grounds for an annulment. So, here I am, nearly 4 years into this marriage. We have two beautiful children. However, I am stuck in a miserable marriage. I do work full time. However, I am in a small, rural area where there are not many jobs. I do not have the work experience to land a job somewhere else, where there is more opportunity. I can not afford to be divorced, my children and I would end up in a trailer or government housing. I have met with an attorney, and know that if we were to get a divorce, I would get no alimony, and very little child support. Not, only that, but as long as we are married, I have a little control over him. He occasionally drinks too much, and has no qualms about driving intoxicated with the children. Also, if we were divorced, I would have no control over who he would bring into the lives of the children (some of his acquaintances are not people who need to be around children.) He is not bad to the children, just uninvolved most of the time. He does not hit any of us. Between travel with work, golf, and spending time with his friends, he is really not even home very much. We do not have a lot of money (mostly because he spends it on frivolous things), but we are fed, have a home, and have clothes on our backs. If I leave, we will not have those things. I really have no choice but to stay. I do not know if he is still cheating, but stay away from him physically to protect myself. And, after years of trying, that just does not matter to me anymore. I can honestly say that I put 100% into trying to make this marriage work, more than once. I now know that no amount of trying can work. I just feel so stuck. I realize that this marriage has sucked all the life out of me. I am a miserable person. I know way too much about the depraved sex lives of many poor, sick people out there! Another side of me knows that we are just not a good match. We have nothing in common - he is a "good-ole boy," who likes Nascar and partying. I like culture, classical music, intelligent conversation. I am praying for God to show me his path, because I see no where to go from here. The worst part is, that I have failed these poor children, by having them with a man who is not all they deserve in a father. I slave away at a job while I know that my children need me at home. I long all day to hold them and take care of them! However, my husband will not allow me to be a stay-at-home mom. While we were engaged he lied to me about everything. Not only did he hide the affairs, but he told me he wanted children and wanted a mom at home with them. He said that he understood sacrifice and that children have to be a priority. For example, I drive an old, very simple vehicle. He drives a new Tahoe. I do not care about that, I do not care what I drive. But, I do care that we barely make ends meet each month, and do not have college funds for the children. But, his car, clothes, golf tournaments, guy trips, country club membership are all more important that what the children need. We live in a medium-nice neighborhood. I have asked him to sell our house and let us move into something smaller to that we can provide more for the children. He flies off the handle, whenever I mention that.
It was only a few months into the marriage, when I knew things were not right. But, I did not believe in divorce, and tried to make things better. Even after found out about the affairs, I put everything into this marriage. But, now, I have accepted that it was not meant to be, and that there are more problems than are fixable by me. As I have said, divorce is not an option . I will not put the children into a life of poverty, and even if I did that, I can not worry every time he had custody of what and/or who he was exposing the children to. Even if I could afford a decent attorney, no judge would take away his visitation rights.

How long do I have to wait for God's help? I have tried everything over the last couple of years. I attend church, have fasted, prayed the rosary, been to confession, prayed numerous novenas (Jude, Anthony, Joseph, Monica, Our Lady of Perpetual Help, Ann, Padre Pio, Peter, Therese, Theresa, Valentine, Raphael, Michael. Rita, my Guardian Angel, Philomena, Storm Novena) read books and articles about how to pray more effectively. I am not St Monica, or any Saint, nor do I want to be! I want to be a good Christian, but I can not live the rest of my life this way. My children are the only reason I go on each day, without me they would have no one to care for them. I truly would just rather not-exist. And, I honestly am at a point where I do not even know what good I am doing for my children, because as they get older, I can not do this alone much longer. I keep telling myself that God's help is around the corner. But, I really can not go on this way any longer. I have really been pulled beyond what I can bear. When will God stop testing me? Will he ever help me? Please advise! Please help me to storm heaven with prayers!

hazcompat · #3 Jul 7, '11, 3:38 pm

Isaiah 54: 4 Do not fear, you will not be put to shame again, do not worry, you will not be disgraced again; for you will forget the shame of your youth and no longer remember the dishonour of your widowhood. 5 For your Creator is your husband, Yahweh Sabaoth is his name, the Holy One of Israel is your redeemer, he is called God of the whole world. 6 Yes, Yahweh has called you back like a forsaken, grief-stricken wife, like the repudiated wife of his youth, says your God. 7 I did forsake you for a brief moment, but in great compassion I shall take you back. 8 In a flood of anger, for a moment I hid my face from you. But in everlasting love I have taken pity on you, says Yahweh, your redeemer. 9 For me it will be as in the days of Noah when I swore that Noah's waters should never flood the world again. So now I swear never to be angry with you and never to rebuke you again.
10 For the mountains may go away and the hills may totter, but my faithful love will never leave you, my covenant of peace will never totter, says Yahweh who takes pity on you.
11 Unhappy creature, storm-tossed, unpitied, look, I shall lay your stones on agates and your foundations on sapphires. 12 I shall make your battlements rubies, your gateways firestone and your entire wall precious stones. 13 All your children will be taught by Yahweh and great will be your children's prosperity. 14 In saving justice you will be made firm, free from oppression: you will have nothing to fear; free from terror: it will not approach you. 15 Should anyone attack you, that will not be my doing, and whoever does attack you, for your sake will fall. 16 I created the smith who blows on the charcoal-fire to produce a weapon for his use; I also created the destroyer to ruin it. 17 No weapon forged against you will succeed. Any voice raised against you in court you will refute. Such is the lot of the servants of Yahweh, the saving justice I assure them, declares Yahweh

http://www.catholic.org/bible/book.php?id=29

peace

MiracleNeeded · #4 Jul 7, '11, 3:49 pm

I should also add. He was divorced, but his first wife was unfaithful - he wanted to work it out, she did not and left him. (She has since been divorced once or twice more.) So, we could not marry in the Catholic Church. He was not Catholic when we married, but went through RCIA. He filed for an annulment, and we were told it was an easy case (this was before his affairs came to light.) However, we have been unable to get all the testimonys turned in. The final one (I think you need 3) always gets lost in the mail (and he has had ones mailed in my different people.) Looking back, I believe this was/is a sign from God that he did not intend for this marriage to happen.

supertubos · #5 Jul 7, '11, 4:11 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by MiracleNeeded

I should also add. He was divorced, but his first wife was unfaithful - he wanted to work it out, she did not and left him. (She has since been divorced once or twice more.) So, we could not marry in the Catholic Church. He was not Catholic when we married, but went through RCIA. He filed for an annulment, and we were told it was an easy case (this was before his affairs came to light.) However, we have been unable to get all the testimonys turned in. The final one (I think you need 3) always gets lost in the mail (and he has had ones mailed in my different people.) Looking back, I believe this was/is a sign from God that he did not intend for this marriage to happen.

Gosh, MyLady, in what troubles are you in !!! I have no time to answer you today, but tomorrow I will be more comprehensive.

It looks like an old story told, my friend X and Y and Z. It looks like a photocopy.

Meanwhile I pray to God for you...........................

jesuspsr · #6 Jul 7, '11, 4:19 pm

Praying for you.

God bless

jesus g

beth40n2 · #7 Jul 7, '11, 4:49 pm

You definately chose the right name, you definately need a miracle. I don't know why God allows things like this in our lives. I wished I had some advice. I can tell you that I am a prayer warrior and will be praying for you.You have come to the right place, there are lots of prayer warriors who will be praying for you.

Heuchler · #8 Jul 7, '11, 4:57 pm

I am so sorry for all that has happened to you. I believe all you can do now is to pray that God will give you and your children the strength and wisdom nededed to endure. Know that we will pray for you here.

MiracleNeeded · #9 Jul 7, '11, 5:05 pm

Thank you all! I do not know what to do, I just am trying to storm Heaven with prayers! I need to be the persistent neighbor and widow as told in Luke. I need to wear out heaven with my prayers! Please, please pray with me! I need this miracle quickly, as I grow more and more weary!

marlap2 · #10 Jul 7, '11, 5:20 pm

Blessings, Dear heart,

I see you joined today! Know that you have a huge family here, many who are praying for you right now, and will include your intentions to be a good Christian mother in their prayers.

Of course you are not alone in all of this, and there are many here who will understand exactly what state you are in.

It's wonderful that you are persevering in prayer and faith. It's truly what keeps us afloat in difficult times. Know that I really understand much of your struggle. I cannot advise you, other than to really pray for you and your children, and yes, your husband! and support you in prayer, as a loving sister in Christ.

Again, welcome to this loving family. Here's a hug across the "cloud".

NiceMimi · #11 Jul 7, '11, 5:32 pm

Perhaps it is time to speak with a Priest you feel comfortable discussing this situatuion with. I will pray for you all.

Heavenly Father, in faith, I thank You for your mercy for this woman, her child, and her husband. Amen.

cmscms · #12 Jul 7, '11, 6:43 pm

I am very sorry you are going through this and I hope God helps you. However, this says it all

Quote:

Originally Posted by MiracleNeeded

He occasionally drinks too much, and has no qualms about driving intoxicated with the children.

I personally think kids are much better off growing up in a trailor than being in a car with a drunken driver. And if you can show this to a court, perhaps they will not limit his contact with the children but they probably will suspend his liscence

CM

monicatholic · #13 Jul 7, '11, 7:27 pm

i agree with cms. money poverty shouldnt worry you more than intoxicated driving with your kids. next time he does call the police and have him arrested. i'm not writing from some theoretical island. i've walked many miles living excruciating principals like this.

and here's how: we have an adult son who's an addict. i've written about our experiences with him several times on CAF. i can't tell you the depth of sorrow we've experienced these last 8 years.

we've experienced the adoption of our grandson 7 years ago.
we've experienced the homelessness of our adict son for several years.
once he was missing-- really missing-- for 17 months. we checked morgues for him.
he's been incarcerated.
he's stolen from us.
we tried and tried to get him hospitalized for mental insanity and never could.

throughout we had 2 gut-wrenching policies:

1. never stop praying (there was about 3 years in there that every single time i received Jesus in Eucharist-- which was sometimes every day-- i wept till i could hardly breathe. i'd receive Jesus and run off to some secluded corner crying and begging the Lord. we'd go to perpetual adoration at 4 am so no one would be there to see us weep.) how much longer? please. please! please.

and 2: never do anything that could hasten an overdose death. especially never give him cash. when he was homeless, we'd go looking for him to bring him clothes, blankets, food and socks. about twice a week we'd go. (i dont know why he never had socks.) sometimes we'd find him, sometimes not. we never knew which was harder. imagine a michigan winter day, minus 4 degrees. we found him. he was barefoot. we gave him boots, socks, another coat we'd gotten from salvation army, soup, more food and blankets. my husband, (a tall manly guy of 6 foot 4) begged him, "please come home. we'll get you into treatment. we'll get you all fixed up."

son (spaced out) said, "dad. just give me 20 bucks."

husband said, "please J____. come home with us."

son repeated the request, "can you just give me 20 bucks?"

my husband stood there, held his son by the shoulders and cried, "please J_____. please. ask me for something i can say yes to."

we left him there that day just like we'd done and would do again scores and scores of times. we were ruined.

eight years.

eight excruciating years.

after 8 years of using, J______ finally begged to enter and has been in long-term rehab for 2 weeks now. he detoxed and is now in the residential treatment section. we went to see him today. he's so astonished to be safe. and so relieved.

as we were driving away, my 10 year old son said, "something's different about J______. something better."

our good God loves you. you belong to HIM. HE loves your children. and HE loves your husband too. do NOT stop praying. don't loose hope in HIM. trust and remain obedient.

you DO need a miracle. i did too.

God does miracles. it's HIS specialty. trusting HIM and waiting on HIM becomes our specialty.

hazcompat · #14 Jul 7, '11, 7:31 pm

Glory be to the Father and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.

peace

isabella13 · #15 Jul 7, '11, 7:33 pm

I offer my prayers for you tonight, and am so sorry for your situation. It is so hard to wait upon the Lord when things seem so wrong and painful...
God of all hope, our lives are in your hands. Whatever might happen during this day is in your perfect plan. Strengthen this child of yours in weakness, and grant confidence and faith in your healing power of any situation. Be before her, above her and beside her Father, in all that she faces. Lord, in your infinite mercy, comfort this dear one and help her to lean on Your everlasting arms.
I am trusting with you in God's promises in Isaiah 41:10:
"Fear not, for I am with You; Be not dismayed, for I am Your God. I will strengthen You, Yes, I will help You, I will uphold You with My righteous right hand."