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  #1  
Old Jul 28, '11, 10:16 am
My3Stars My3Stars is offline
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Default I am not sure I love my husband anymore

This is my second post here. I have recently decided to re-focus myself on my faith. But my husband and I are having a really hard time and I feel very guilty for the way I feel. I feel like he never puts any effort in trying to talk to me or cares about anything that interest me. I have under appreciated and taken advantage of. He knows exactly how I feel as we have had the conversation so many times both of us are tired of discussing it. I dont really feel like he cares which makes it worse. I feel like he just wants me to take care of the kids so they will leave him alone. I feel as if we have become room mates. The scariest part is that if he walked out on me tomorrow I don't think I would care. Sometimes I wish I could just have the kids and go start over with them. I have to do most everything anyways and sometimes he causes more problems than help. I know divorces is wrong and I would never want to put my kids through that. I just don't know how i got the point where I don't have feelings for him. I continue to take care of him with cooking and cleaning but I don't know why. Is it normal to feelings for your spouse disappear? I certainly want them to come back but I don't feel like they will. We have been married for 7 years and have 3 small children and I don't feel like I love him as my husband.
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  #2  
Old Jul 28, '11, 10:30 am
Monicad Monicad is offline
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Default Re: I am not sure I love my husband anymore

Thank you for sharing your story, please be assured of my prayers.

From the details of your post is seems that you have grown bored and depressed in your marraige. You don't indicate that your husband is unfaithful, viewing pornogoraphy, is abusive, harms you in any way or that he is a dangerous person that you should leave immediately so I am not going to advise you to leave.

Try this....starting TODAY tell your husband that you love him and give him lots of hugs and kisses! When he gets home give him a big kiss and tell him you want to make a fresh start. If he complains about something say "You know you might be right...I want to make a fresh start and do better!".

Some people call this "fake it until you make it." In other words don't sit back and wait for some "gushy-mushy-love-feeling" to come and overpower you! Sometimes we get in a rut and we need to trigger these feelings with our behavior. Commit do doing this for one week. Your husband may seem to wonder at first what is going on...but I beleive that after seven full days of compliments, hugs, kisses, love-making and kind and warm smiles from you that you will see a difference in your marriage.

You can sit back and complain he is selfish and you are tired of him...even if I agree with you what does that accomplish? Change YOURSELF for one full week and expect nothing from him in return and see what happens.

If you have a healthy foundation to your marriage then it won't take long for your husband to start treating you the same way! If he doesn't there might be other issues and you may need to follow up with your priest. Hope this helps.
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  #3  
Old Jul 28, '11, 11:00 am
greenmoira greenmoira is offline
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Default Re: I am not sure I love my husband anymore

I agree with the previous poster. However, it may take more than a week. I was in a similar situation many years ago. A good friend advised me to do just what was recommended but to do it for a month. I wish that I had been stronger in the faith because I would have also included many prayers and spoken with my pastor. We had been married for about 8 years at the time and were both rather clueless. I have regretted many things during my married life but working things out has never been one of them. Pray, pray and pray some more. Keep it up and wait for Our Lord Jesus Christ & His Blessed Mother to help you both. God bless you.
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  #4  
Old Jul 28, '11, 11:04 am
fm1982 fm1982 is offline
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Default Re: I am not sure I love my husband anymore

I read your post and I'm sorry that you are going through that. I know what it feels like from my current experience.

I too have been married almost 7 years with 3, going on 4 young children. In the last couple of months, my wife has been pulling away, negative all the time. When this first started I tried the "over attention" route, many compliments, hugs, kisses, being super nice despite the reactions I was getting. All this got me were accusations of cheating...but that's a whole other story.

I've recently had time off work (now only part time for a few more weeks) and have been expected to take 100% of the load. Cleaning, cooking, laundry, child care, house maintenance, etc. I've done the best I can with it, and tried to stay positive. It is very difficult to stay positive however when as soon as you finish cleaning at midnight you get criticized because it is not perfectly spotless. I am getting tired of it and don't feel appreciated at all, so I do react with comments sometimes when I feel angry from this. She has even told me to put myself aside and just care 100% about her. She has told me directly I have no right to feel any emotion or be angry.

There are "pregnancy hormones", but this just seems way too excessive and irrational.

I know that she wants me to keep the kids away from her so they don't bother her. I know she expects me to do all the work, she's told me that much. I do suspect mental illness for which the doctor has told me to tough it out until the baby is born, then medication will come into play. However, I do have many of the same feelings that you have towards your husband. She did go away recently for a few days on her own to visit family and the deep down honest truth is that things were much better, smoother, calmer, more relaxed without her here. I have honestly thought that it would be better if she just stayed there and left me with all the kids. Right now she does cause more problems than she solves. I have never verbalized these things to her, but that's how I feel.

I know divorce is not an option and am praying things get better after this baby is born. I cannot live in this type of relationship, basically as a slave, I would never treat hired help in this way. There is no equality, I cannot share how I feel about anything, she can't/won't listen. It definitely can't we what God intended marriage to be.

To answer is it normal that the feelings go away... I think so, at least based on my experience. I am hoping and praying and doing my best to help them come back, but only time will tell. Perhaps there is something else going on that you don't know about and that he is too embarrassed to share. Maybe he needs to seek out help on his own.

I hope that things work out for you. I know how difficult it is and wouldn't wish it upon anyone.
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  #5  
Old Jul 28, '11, 11:22 am
My3Stars My3Stars is offline
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Default Re: I am not sure I love my husband anymore

I have tried that somewhat with him. Its hard because I feel like I am acting like I am desperate for his attention but I am not. Its almost gotten to the point that it feels awkard to try those things because he has become so much of a stranger to me. I guess he isn't doing anything horribly wrong like cheating but I dont feel like he is investing anything in our marriage. I will give it a try again to be the most loving wife I can and see if that helps but I feel emotionally exhausted being married to him. If it weren't for the children I dont know if I would have the strength to stay with him. I know I wouldnt marry the man he is today...I just want the strength to make it managable. I will never leave because of the children but I feel very bad about feeling that way toward husband.
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  #6  
Old Jul 28, '11, 11:33 am
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Scoobyshme Scoobyshme is offline
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Default Re: I am not sure I love my husband anymore

Rather than focusing on your feelings, try focusing on his feelings. Always come as a servant to your husband. He should do the same. Somebody has to start first. Take the initiative.

Pray for your husband. Offer fasting and sacrifice for him. His soul needs you.

Love is not a "good feeling," although "sometimes," there is a by-product of good feeling. The ultimate act of love was Jesus dying on the cross for us. There was no "good feeling" involved, I assure you. No warm fuzzies. Love is not a feeling, it is a decision, to do what is best for the beloved.

Remember your vows, "for better or worse," "in good times and bad."

There have been many people who have been declared Saints who were declared so because they suffered in difficult marriages rather than bailing out.
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  #7  
Old Jul 28, '11, 11:53 am
cviolette cviolette is offline
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Default Re: I am not sure I love my husband anymore

Quote:
Originally Posted by My3Stars View Post
I have tried that somewhat with him. Its hard because I feel like I am acting like I am desperate for his attention but I am not. Its almost gotten to the point that it feels awkard to try those things because he has become so much of a stranger to me. I guess he isn't doing anything horribly wrong like cheating but I dont feel like he is investing anything in our marriage. I will give it a try again to be the most loving wife I can and see if that helps but I feel emotionally exhausted being married to him. If it weren't for the children I dont know if I would have the strength to stay with him. I know I wouldnt marry the man he is today...I just want the strength to make it managable. I will never leave because of the children but I feel very bad about feeling that way toward husband.
I wouldn't over due it so that you feel desperate for his attention. Try to think back to how it was when you did love him. What special things did you do?

I have been married for 20 years. I don't have any feelings for my husband and would love to leave. I am staying because we have 4 teenagers and because I feel that God wants me to stay.

I went through a lot of anger and also not wanting to be even in the same room as him. I just faked it. It took 5 months but now I am at least at the point where I don't mind talking to him and being around him. It just takes practice, praying and trying different things. Just going out of my way to make his life easier or doing things that make him know that I am thinking of him, have made a big difference. He is still not the man that I want or love but the marriage is okay.

I had ups and downs while trying to make things tolerable. There were weeks were I was very angry and determined to leave him, weeks I cried a lot and weeks were I felt at peace. I only felt at peace when I put my trust in God and not my husband or myself.

Do you have a close friend to talk to? A priest? Spiritual director? I would have left my family if I had not had a good support system.
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  #8  
Old Jul 28, '11, 12:01 pm
katolsk katolsk is offline
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Default Re: I am not sure I love my husband anymore

Is it possible he has NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) ? Take 10 minutes and learn about this disease where people are unable to show empathy.
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  #9  
Old Jul 28, '11, 12:02 pm
Monicad Monicad is offline
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Default Re: I am not sure I love my husband anymore

Quote:
Originally Posted by Scoobyshme View Post
....Rather than focusing on your feelings, try focusing on his feelings. Always come as a servant to your husband. He should do the same. Somebody has to start first. Take the initiative......The ultimate act of love was Jesus dying on the cross for us. There was no "good feeling" involved, I assure you. No warm fuzzies........
Yes this is a wonderful post.

Focus on HIS feelings not yours and what HE needs, not you for now and let go of resentments. Not that your feelings are inimportant but sometimes we need to change our focus for a while to gain perspective. After you do that sit down and determine more clearly what your expectations are from him and tell him in a loving way.

Try and see your husband as Christ sees him. Close your eyes and imagine God creator of the Universe that is there, creating your husband, breathing life into his body, knowing all about him and his life. He is a child of God, Jesus loved your husband so much that he died for him. God created your husband he is a miracle child of God!

Try and find ways to compliment him that are sincere.....here is my example from my own life. I try and occassionally sit down with my husband and say something like this "You know we get irritated with one another a lot. Sometimes I focus on that, so that I forget how blessed I am and I am sorry. I know of women that have husbands that drink too much, have affairs, are abuse and some that don't even beleive in God. I really should be more grateful for you and the gift you are to my life. I love you."

Also please spend time in deep prayer and find out what your needs are. In your post you seem to have a general feeling of unhappiness but don't seem to put your finger on anything. After time in deep prayer, share these things with your husband but come up with some specific ideas. When you wrote in your post "he isn't investing anything in our marriage" that is very non-specific what does that mean exactly? Think of things he can do that will help and tell him exactly "Honey, can you kiss me when you come home?" or "It is important for me to watch a movie together with you once a week." or "I would be very happy if you washed dishes on Sundays" Men and women communicate differently. Telling a man he has to "invest more in the marriage" might leave him wondering what exactly you need. If you give him specifics and he follows through you can see clearly that he loves you and wants to work on your marriage.

Hope this helps a little.
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  #10  
Old Jul 28, '11, 12:37 pm
marlap2 marlap2 is offline
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Default Re: I am not sure I love my husband anymore

My my my , My 3 Stars!

There's a lot of great advice here to do!! I wish I had some of this advice over the years. I've been married for 37 years this August, and have had the kids, the dry periods, the periods where I couldn't hardly stand to look at him (and I'm pretty sure it was reciprocated) And to boot, there's been some nightmarish problems throughout it all.

But there's also been laughter, hand-holding in the middle of the night, all kinds of tears.

You're in one of the tough parts now, where you've probably got big bills, noisy kids, total exhaustion at times, worry, sex seems like a chore, all or any of the above.

There's something to be said for the "Fake it til you make it", and I think seriously, when I did do the servanthood thing for my husband, things started to change. I can honestly say that I'm the one now, who is being treated with patience and kindness, after these years.

There's something to be said about perseverance and all of the fruits of the Holy Spirit. In fact, the best prayer right now is to continue to ask the Holy Spirit to enable you to do all that needs to be done right now. Best prayer ever - Come Holy Spirit Come. Help me to do what the Father wants in this day. (You might have to say it a hundred times a day right now). Praying the Psalms can help too, especially when you want the Lord to smite your enemies, destroy them and put their bones under your feet as a footstool. Some of those psalms might even put a little smile on your face

Again, there are so many amazing posts here, and I know in my heart if you took all of them and followed them that you'd be in great shape to handle the next hurdle -----

------ TEENAGERS!!!! Oh my goodness. Trust me. You and your husband have to be on the same page for those years, sweetheart. I'm praying really hard right now, that by the time your oldest is 14, and comes home with "that look on it's face" that you and your husband have developed the finest sense of humor with each other that is possible and have become prayer warriors - together. With all my heart, I'm praying.
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  #11  
Old Jul 28, '11, 1:10 pm
ILoveRoses ILoveRoses is offline
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Default Re: I am not sure I love my husband anymore

There are so many ups and downs in marriage. Having the 3 small children makes it sooo much harder!! There just isn't time to be yourself anymore, but in time that will come back.

I can only tell you that I remember an anniversary where I was trying to pick out a card and I couldn't find one. They all said things like "love" and they were sweet and oozing with love and I just didn't feel it, I couldn't bring myself to find a decent card and I ended up with a generic boring Happy Anniversary card with nothing else (that I remember). It took all I had just to give him that card.

Well, now years later, I have added in praying, I mean really praying and really trying to do what God expects of me and my marriage is better than it has ever been. Until I began truly praying for my marriage and working on myself, things were very very hard I also pray relentlessly for God to remove Satan's influence from my household and when I feel things going downhill, I kick my prayers up like crazy. Satan continuously tries to bring our families and marriages down and when you start watching and paying attention, you will see him doing it. Its almost like you can pinpoint his influences and where he is working on your weaknesses to get you to break. Just pay attention and when you feel that anger, that urge to yell or fight, pray to God for peace and for Him to remove Satan. Tell Satan to get away from you, that you will not allow him to cause you any harm and to move on!!

I pray for you to get through this stage. I fully believe it is a stage though and it will pass in time for you to realize those feelings you once had and you will again! I'm no expert, but I've learned that I have to work daily, especially with prayer, to make sure my marriage and family is strong. If I give in and ignore it (as Satan tries to get me to do daily), it goes downhill so fast its hard to recover again!
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  #12  
Old Jul 28, '11, 1:15 pm
puzzleannie puzzleannie is offline
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Default Re: I am not sure I love my husband anymore

fake it
I don't mean in bed (although even that might be necessary at times)
act as if you love him
do all that you do in the course of your day out of an intentional, intellectual decision to do it for love of him
do loving acts specifically for him without expecting thanks, or even that he notices
banish unloving thoughts and cricisms as soon as they arise in your mind and replace them with deliberate loving thoughts
speak those loving thoughts aloud to yourself even if it sounds cheesy.
focus on every positive aspect of his person and behavior you can find
praise him at every opportunity
ignore the things that get your goat and make you cringe, as if he were a distinguished visitor from another culture who was acting in an inappropriate way.
pray for him every day
kiss him every morning and every night
pray for him every morning and every night
not just lumping him in with your other prayer intentions, specifically mention his name in prayer
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  #13  
Old Jul 28, '11, 1:20 pm
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Samson01 Samson01 is offline
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Default Re: I am not sure I love my husband anymore

Stay away from "jilted" people for a while...they seem to love the company of misery.
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  #14  
Old Jul 28, '11, 1:40 pm
bmaj bmaj is offline
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Default Re: I am not sure I love my husband anymore

Quote:
Originally Posted by ILoveRoses View Post
.....
I can only tell you that I remember an anniversary where I was trying to pick out a card and I couldn't find one. They all said things like "love" and they were sweet and oozing with love and I just didn't feel it, I couldn't bring myself to find a decent card and I ended up with a generic boring Happy Anniversary card with nothing else (that I remember). It took all I had just to give him that card.

Well, now years later, I have added in praying, I mean really praying and really trying to do what God expects of me and my marriage is better than it has ever been. Until I began truly praying for my marriage and working on myself, things were very very hard I also pray relentlessly for God to remove Satan's influence from my household and when I feel things going downhill, I kick my prayers up like crazy. Satan continuously tries to bring our families and marriages down and when you start watching and paying attention, you will see him doing it. Its almost like you can pinpoint his influences and where he is working on your weaknesses to get you to break. Just pay attention and when you feel that anger, that urge to yell or fight, pray to God for peace and for Him to remove Satan. Tell Satan to get away from you, that you will not allow him to cause you any harm and to move on!!

...
I remember anniversaries and birthdays trying to find a card for my husband, too....generic one was the end result here also, but it was the constant prayers and the "fake it till you make it" that got me through (and some days still does!).
Please know that you're definitely not alone, and Our Lord is right by your side, too - as long as you remember to keep Him first in your life. He'll help. Keep praying and even just talking to Him whenever you're feeling down. You'll be amazed how it helps.
You will also be in my prayers for strength through all of this. God bless you and your family.
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  #15  
Old Jul 28, '11, 2:16 pm
Augusta Sans Augusta Sans is offline
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Default Re: I am not sure I love my husband anymore

I felt very much the same as you several years ago. The details were different, but the feelings were almost word-for-word what you wrote in your original post.

We ended up getting separated, then divorced, I dated someone else...then eventually we got our act together, realized that our marriage was sacred and we BOTH needed to change (previously we both thought the OTHER person needed to change), went to Retrouvaille, got remarried, and a year later are still "those" newlyweds that make our friends roll their eyes.

I'd strongly recommend you and your husband do the Retrouvaille program (it has helped SO many couples). Here is a list of upcoming Retrouvaille locations/dates: http://www.retrouvaille.org/dates.php

Also, reading books on Catholic marriage might at least give you a little hope or direction--and I sense that right now you are feeling hopeless and directionless, so even a little bit of either would be an improvement.

Here are two books that I read that helped me redefine the "point" of marriage:
  • For Better...Forever!: A Catholic Guide to Lifelong Marriage / Gregory K. Popcak
  • Holy sex! : a Catholic guide to toe-curling, mind-blowing, infallible loving / Popcak, Gregory K.

And here are some other books that people at this forum recommended to me (and are still on my "reading wish list"). Perhaps you can find a few at your local library.
  • The exceptional seven percent : the nine secrets of the world's happiest couples / Gregory K. Popcak.
  • Grown-up marriage : what we know, wish we had known, and still need to know about being married / Judith Viorst.
  • The seven principles for making marriage work / John M. Gottman and Nan Silver.
  • Why marriages succeed or fail : what you can learn from the breakthrough research to make your marriage last / John Gottman with Nan Silver.

Praying for you.
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