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  #1  
Old Aug 5, '11, 11:47 am
jasminepetal jasminepetal is offline
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Default Fetishes in Marriage

My fiance and I both believe that the husband should be the head, such as in Ephesians 5:21-33. But we've both allowed this to become a type of fetish when we're tempted to be sexual. Although we haven't had sex, he will spank me, hold me and tickle me, and has said things like that I am lower than him because I'm a woman and that Eve sinned first and that's why women are weaker/lower than men. He's also said that I need to be disciplined, but always in a sexual context.

It's hard to tell when he's kidding or not, and it didn't bother me much until now because the dominating behavior would arouse me and also because I trust him and he shows me that he loves me in other situations.
I know that we shouldn't be sexual with each other until we're married. I really want to show my love for God by following through with this abstinence.

Most importantly, I've felt God telling me that this type of behavior is wrong, even after we're married. Since it has been arousing to me, too, it might be a struggle, but I'd rather not continue in this way.

I'd really like some advice on how to talk about this with my fiance...
Thank you so much.
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  #2  
Old Aug 5, '11, 12:14 pm
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Kit15 Kit15 is offline
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Default Re: Fetishes in Marriage

I'm not into fetishes myself...but I can relate somewhat to enjoying the feeling of being dominated. I know both men and women can enjoy it with their spouse becomes more aggressive in the bedroom.

I'm more squicked out by what he is saying to you.

Kidding or not, he should stop. Clearly it's making you uncomfortable. He should back off and you are not crazy for telling him to back off. Don't allow him to make you feel silly about it. There's more than one way to show off the tiger within then to make commentary about women like that. Is this really the best he can come up with? Really?!

Also....is he saying these things because he thinks you'd like it or is it some kind of personal fantasy? The former...obviously it's not working.

The latter? Well...as someone who can get scared off by sexual fetishes I, personally, would seriously consider running. But take that with a grain of salt. I am not the same person as you and your fiance is not the same person as DH

AND you're not even married yet. He is being way out of line.

Talk to him about it and see what he says. His reaction to your concern will say a lot about just how big this problem actually is.
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  #3  
Old Aug 5, '11, 12:19 pm
TuAutem TuAutem is offline
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Default Re: Fetishes in Marriage

Well, it's often said that if the man is the head of the couple, the woman is its heart. Perhaps your role is to make sure the focus stays on love. You have every right and duty to insist on moral sexual behaviour, since (speaking as a married man), it is too easy to be tempted, and if one or the other of you doesn't speak up when conscience does kick in, to rein in the other, things can get too far out of hand too fast. Then you're left repairing errors, which is much harder than avoiding them in the first place.

Sexual activity is intended to bring us closer together with our spouses, and to become a true giving of ourselves to each other. Ultimately, and correctly, this should model the love between Christ and the Church. So while the Church is submissive to Christ, it is not submissive to one who dominates, but to one who loves her so much that he goes so far as to sacrifice his entire life for her. We never hear Jesus teasing the Church that she needs to be punished for her sins, revelling in his power, so your fiance shouldn't be talking like that to you (it's bad theology!).

So, at what point do fetishes in marriage become sinful? I would say, that is when what they are modelling is something that does not conform to the love between Christ and the Church. Which is, in non-theological terms, as simple as saying acts that make you more in love with each other are good, those that do not, or that begin twisting your love, are bad.

That's not necessarily something that can be weighed based on what your bodies are doing (within reason!), it really comes down to what's in your hearts. What some couples consider an act of love will repulse others.
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  #4  
Old Aug 5, '11, 12:33 pm
Syri Syri is offline
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Default Re: Fetishes in Marriage

While I think this sort of play can be fine as long as it's playful more than anything, ANYTHING you do instantly becomes wrong if either one of you aren't fully consenual, or become uncomofrtable with something. To me, I see nothing wrong with a little spank, a pinch, a hair pull and a forceful kiss. Heck, in our relationship, such things are a reminder of his strength and protection, as well as his love for me; he's very strong. if he wanted to, he could so easily hurt me. but showing that restraint shows me that he WOULDN'T, no matter what, yet still dispolays how powerful he is.

Now, if he were to ever start crossing lines, I would SO puy a stop to it. and I hope if your man is crossing lines you're not comfortable with, you tell him. I, too, believe men are the dominant sex, head of the household and all that, but there are ways to show this leadershop that will be enjoyable for BOTH of you

Ya know, i think a LOT of people enjoy the feeling of being lightly dominated in bed, not so much for the sexual gratification, but the emotional. For women, sex is soo tied to emotions. a little stress here, and it's hard to be in the mood. When my husband gets playfully assertive, it's like an emotional security, showing that he's capable, and he'll look after me, take care of me, which in turn reminds me how much i love him, how much he loves me, and I'm instantly in the mood. I think it's an emotiona thing that evolves into a sexual thing
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  #5  
Old Aug 5, '11, 12:34 pm
katolsk katolsk is offline
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Default Re: Fetishes in Marriage

I assume you've had this discussion with him? Is he communicating straight outside of the boudoire?
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  #6  
Old Aug 5, '11, 12:45 pm
Dorothy Dorothy is offline
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Default Re: Fetishes in Marriage

Spanking and saying what he does to you does not sound right.
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  #7  
Old Aug 5, '11, 12:46 pm
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joanofarc2008 joanofarc2008 is offline
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Default Re: Fetishes in Marriage

The behavior itself does not concern me except that what he is saying concerns me. I think to look at Biblical Original Sin and use it as a reason for domination in the bedroom when original sin is shared by both sexes is perversing the Bible itself. I would be more concerned if he uses these types of Biblical arguments outside of the bedroom as these can red flags towards abusive and controlling behavior. I am offering you a statement from the USCCB that spells it out very well (I would pay special attention to the part about why women and stay and how some men use Scripture):

When I Call For Help

Also please stop having pre-marital sex so that you and him can achieve some objectivity on the situation that you will not have otherwise. God bless you and good luck.
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  #8  
Old Aug 5, '11, 12:51 pm
Catholic90 Catholic90 is offline
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Default Re: Fetishes in Marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by jasminepetal View Post
Although we haven't had sex, he will spank me, hold me and tickle me, and has said things like that I am lower than him because I'm a woman and that Eve sinned first and that's why women are weaker/lower than men. He's also said that I need to be disciplined, but always in a sexual context.
Yeah.....if he talks this way to you at other times, run. Get out.

Women are NOT lower than men. Neither are they weaker, except, obviously physically. Women do NOT need to be disciplined. Any man who feels that it is his job to DISCIPLINE his wife/fiance is sorely out of line. Men do NOT discipline their wives. Sick.
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  #9  
Old Aug 5, '11, 12:51 pm
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Humupower Humupower is offline
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Default Re: Fetishes in Marriage

This definitely needs some communication.

Playfulness can be an important part of human and marital sexuality and romance, but if it is making you uncomfortable, and he doesn't know about it or the full extent of it, you risk just becoming an end to his lusts and amusements. If he really loves you and values you, he would not want you to be an object to him.

You are a person created in the image and likeness of God, and you do not deserved to be debased in any way. There are so many wonderful and beautiful things about the sexual nature that God has given us, so there are plenty of things to cherish and enjoy about it in a way that WILL be personally affirming and comfortable to you.
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  #10  
Old Aug 5, '11, 1:03 pm
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ndeparis88 ndeparis88 is offline
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Default Re: Fetishes in Marriage

I think that love is like a dance. or the phrase it takes two to tango comes to mind.

We are meant to be one with our spouses. When we communicate that through love making we put each other on a even field (not saying we aren't that way as it relates to dignity). for a couple, after you are married the woman has something so sacred that the husband should be in awe at, and eternally grateful to God, and he shows this through the way he has intimacy with his wife. A man who wants to earn the title of one can not debase in his heart what his wife gives him. she is not to be spoken to like that. Sure there are times when the man should tell his wife to lead when it comes to "sheet music", it's that give an take that sacrifice that is at the center of love making. I can see proof of how it is that Catholics who practice "Holy Sex" report better experiences. inner love is a focal point. not to say that those dominating-ish things can not be done as someone said before for the man it can be s sign of his strength but also his inner gentleness. like it is said "there is nothing so strong as gentleness and nothing so gentle as true strength.
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  #11  
Old Aug 5, '11, 1:10 pm
sw85 sw85 is offline
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Default Re: Fetishes in Marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by jasminepetal View Post
My fiance and I both believe that the husband should be the head, such as in Ephesians 5:21-33. But we've both allowed this to become a type of fetish when we're tempted to be sexual. Although we haven't had sex, he will spank me, hold me and tickle me, and has said things like that I am lower than him because I'm a woman and that Eve sinned first and that's why women are weaker/lower than men. He's also said that I need to be disciplined, but always in a sexual context.

It's hard to tell when he's kidding or not, and it didn't bother me much until now because the dominating behavior would arouse me and also because I trust him and he shows me that he loves me in other situations.
I know that we shouldn't be sexual with each other until we're married. I really want to show my love for God by following through with this abstinence.

Most importantly, I've felt God telling me that this type of behavior is wrong, even after we're married. Since it has been arousing to me, too, it might be a struggle, but I'd rather not continue in this way.

I'd really like some advice on how to talk about this with my fiance...
Thank you so much.
OK, well, two things.

First, in the context of marriage, I don't necessarily see anything wrong with dominant sexual behaviors in men (or submissive ones in women). To some extent these are just reflections of the natural sexual role the sexes play with one another, and exaggerating them can be (I think) a legitimate source of arousal. So long as a wife is comfortable with having these things done and said to her (in private), that is, so long as they are understood to be a kind of "roleplaying" confined to the bedroom, I don't see why they should be a problem. If it is making you really uncomfortable, that's something you should talk about.

(More importantly, I don't really see this as a "fetish." When I think of a fetish I think of something that is not conducive to the end of the sexual act; something that arouses you, provided that arousal is understood to be a precursor to the legitimate sexual act, is I think just fine).

Second, that said, you're not married. Your fiancee should not be touching or talking to you as if you were. He should, in fact, not be arousing himself or you to inordinate lust. I think it would be better to hold off on the dirty talk (and dirty play) until your wedding night.
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  #12  
Old Aug 5, '11, 1:18 pm
Catholic90 Catholic90 is offline
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Default Re: Fetishes in Marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by sw85 View Post
OK, well, two things.

First, in the context of marriage, I don't necessarily see anything wrong with dominant sexual behaviors in men (or submissive ones in women). To some extent these are just reflections of the natural sexual role the sexes play with one another, and exaggerating them can be (I think) a legitimate source of arousal. So long as a wife is comfortable with having these things done and said to her (in private), that is, so long as they are understood to be a kind of "roleplaying" confined to the bedroom, I don't see why they should be a problem. If it is making you really uncomfortable, that's something you should talk about.

(More importantly, I don't really see this as a "fetish." When I think of a fetish I think of something that is not conducive to the end of the sexual act; something that arouses you, provided that arousal is understood to be a precursor to the legitimate sexual act, is I think just fine).

Second, that said, you're not married. Your fiancee should not be touching or talking to you as if you were. He should, in fact, not be arousing himself or you to inordinate lust. I think it would be better to hold off on the dirty talk (and dirty play) until your wedding night.
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  #13  
Old Aug 5, '11, 6:47 pm
Monte RCMS Monte RCMS is offline
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Default Re: Fetishes in Marriage

He has to love you as Christ loved the Church: he has to actually DIE for you.

For rreal.

And if he keeps it up, you will expedite his mission.
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  #14  
Old Aug 5, '11, 7:10 pm
Catholic90 Catholic90 is offline
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Default Re: Fetishes in Marriage

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Originally Posted by Monte RCMS View Post

And if he keeps it up, you will expedite his mission.

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  #15  
Old Aug 5, '11, 7:36 pm
TheWatcher TheWatcher is offline
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Default Re: Fetishes in Marriage

As long as you're both just roleplaying, I don't think this is a problem.

You may want to start researching a fetish 101 type book. Please note, I am NOT suggesting a pornography but rather a 101 level "how to" book. It will have suggestions on how to set safe boundaries and how to better communicate when playing, espeically if you are being the dominated partner. It will cover such things as Safe Words and Non-Verbal Consent.

If you are going to engage in this type of fetish, it is extremely important to be safe about it.

If you no longer wish to engage in this type of fetish or wish to engage in it less, I think you should speak sooner than later about it to your soon-to-be-spouse.

If you're uncertain about how your fiancÚ actually feels about domination, if it is just a role play or if he actually feels this way- that would be really important to find out now. If he actually feels that way, I think I'd personally run.

In a nutshell: Communication.
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