Protestant vs Catholic Jokes # 5 - Page 49

Swiss Guy · #**721** Apr 20, '12, 8:25 am

Two scientists walked into a science bar. One asked for H2O. The other one said, "I'll have some H2O too." And he died.

mariyka · #**722** Apr 20, '12, 4:46 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Swiss Guy

Two scientists walked into a science bar. One asked for H2O. The other one said, "I'll have some H2O too." And he died.

Groan!!!!!

**GEddie** · #**723** Apr 20, '12, 9:10 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by mariyka

Groan!!!!!

Heisenberg was driving fast and got stopped.

The cop asked him, "Do you know how fast you were going??!!"

Heisenberg answered, "I have no idea, officer, but I know exactly where I am"!!!!!!

donsnow · #**724** Apr 21, '12, 1:11 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Swiss Guy

Two scientists walked into a science bar. One asked for H2O. The other one said, "I'll have some H2O too." And he died.

LOL!
Yep, without proper grammer, science is dangerous.

donsnow · #**725** Apr 21, '12, 1:15 pm

A cop pulled over a drunk driver, going the wrong way on a one way street.

He walked up to the car and asked, "Where do you think your going?"

The drunk takes thought and answers, "I'm not sure, but where ever it is, I must be late, because everybody else is coming back."

The cop's looking at the drunk's license and insurance card and continues, "No, sir, you're going the wrong way on a one way street. Didn't you see the arrow?"

The drunk replies, "Arrow? Golly, officer, I didn't even see the Indian.."

donsnow · #**726** Apr 22, '12, 3:50 pm

A woman visited a modern art gallery. One painting was bright blue with vivid orange swirls, and the one hanging next to it was black with lime-green splotches. The artist stood nearby so as politely as she could, she said to him, "I'm sorry, but I just don't understand your paintings."

"I paint what I feel inside me," the artist replied.

"I see," the woman replied innocently. "Have you tried Alka-Seltzer?"

odile53 · #**727** Apr 22, '12, 8:48 pm

An old Mohawk man went into town to buy some supplies. He passed by a Catholic church, and noticed that it was time for Mass. He was curious, he had never been to Mass before. So he went in, and sat down quietly and respectfully: Even though he was of no particular religion, he had respect for the sacred.

After Mass he went back home. As his wife was fixing dinner, he told her about the experience:

"Well, Myrna, I finally went to a Catholic church today. It was very nice, but a little strange."

"What do you mean, Clayton?"

"Well," the man started, "First of all, people were coming in, and dipping their hands in a bowl of water. They put some on their forehead, on their belly button, and then on each shoulder. Then they went into the seats and kneeled down."

"I suppose it's the way they do things in that church."

He continued. "All of a sudden, a bell rung, and a priest and a couple of teenage boys came out. The priest started to say prayers. The people stood up and answered him, then they sat down. Then they stood up again. They sung some songs. Then they kneeled down. And then the strangest thing happened."

"Go on, Clayton."

"Well, the priest picked up a little white circle, it looked like paper, and he held it up and said some prayers. Then he poured himself a big glass of wine and held it up. He put it down again and then he started bragging!"

"Bragging, Clayton? What on earth do you mean?"

"He started singing, "I can play dominoes. I can play dominoes better than anyone!"

(No offense is meant, nor should any be taken: I'm native American myself!)

zab · #**728** Apr 23, '12, 9:20 am

There was a man and woman who had been married for many years and most of that time they spent bickering and argueing with each other. It really was not a happy marriage. Finally in their later years they decided to go on a pilgrimage to the Holy Land. While there, the woman died. One of the prelates in that region spoke to the widower saying that there were a couple of things that they could do. He said, "We really have lovely cemeteries here. We could could have a nice ceremony and bury her here for about $300. Or we could ship her home for about $10,000. The man said, "I'll have her shipped home." Amazed at the choice, the prelate replied, "But we really have lovely cemeteries here." But the widower insisted that he wanted his wife shipped home. Again the prelate tried to persuade him, "But $10,000 is so much money..." The widower replied, "Look, there was a man who died here about 2000 years ago. He was buried and three days later he rose from the dead....I can't take that chance!"

donsnow · #**729** Apr 23, '12, 11:11 am

The I.T. specialist told the executive, "We have to upgrade all these computers."

"Oh, no, we can't get rid of these computers," the executive replied.

"Why not?" the specialist asked. "With a new system, our operations will be faster. Why would you want to keep these outdated machines?"

The executive replied in a low voice, "They know too much."

donsnow · #**730** Apr 24, '12, 7:56 pm

As the prospector and his talking burro neared the city limits, the prospector told the burro, "Now, just be quiet while we're in town. Don't talk around other people."

To which, the burro replied, "Don't worry, I don't want to make an *** of myself."

donsnow · #**731** Apr 26, '12, 6:21 am

A group of women decided to have a picnic in a country field. Just as they sat down to eat, an angry bull appeared on the scene. Every one ran for cover, but one unfortunate woman - wearing a red shawl - got the animal's attention.

She managed to leap over a fence, just before the bull caught up to her. Trying to catch her breath, she shouted, "You beast! I've been a vegetarian my whole life. There's gratitude for you!"

Joe Kelley · #**732** Apr 26, '12, 11:17 am

A bystander observed a postman running across a field in rural England with a bull close on his heels and gaining. He barely makes it over the fence before the bull catches him.

The bystander commented, 'E almost got you that time.

to which the postman responded, 'E almost gets me everytime.

Swiss Guy · #**733** Apr 27, '12, 5:31 pm

What did the farmer say when he lost his keys to his tractor?

"Oh no, I lost my keys!"

GIR · #**734** Apr 28, '12, 1:11 pm

Decartes walked into a bar, and the bartender asked him if he wanted a beer. "I think not", he responded, then promptly disappeared.

GIR · #**735** Apr 28, '12, 1:19 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by donsnow

A group of women decided to have a picnic in a country field. Just as they sat down to eat, an angry bull appeared on the scene. Every one ran for cover, but one unfortunate woman - wearing a red shawl - got the animal's attention.

She managed to leap over a fence, just before the bull caught up to her. Trying to catch her breath, she shouted, "You beast! I've been a vegetarian my whole life. There's gratitude for you!"

The trouble with the animal rights movement is that the animals don't seem to be doing much to advance the cause.