Protestant vs Catholic Jokes # 5 - Page 5

donsnow · #61 Sep 3, '11, 8:39 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by The_Scott

I made this myself a while ago.

See attached image, below.

Peace.

LOL!

donsnow · #62 Sep 3, '11, 9:05 pm

Shaggy Vampire Story

Two vampires, a big one and a little one, go into a bar. It's quiet and the hunk of a bar tender asks what they'll have. The big vampire is looking longingly at the bartender's neck. The vampires order their drinks and the big one keeps staring at the bartender's neck with obvious longing.

The bartender says, "Hey, guy, don't get any ideas, I'm straight."

The big vampire says, "Oh, no, I'm not gay. It's alright, we're vampires. I just want to suck your neck."

At that, the bartender goes to the other end of the counter and starts polishing the bar.

About this time, the door opens and in comes the world famous (Except for the USofA) Hussy-the-vampire-butt-kicker. The 5' tall, 80 lb, brunette and hazel eyed beauty struts up to the two vampires and asks, "What are you two doing here?"

The little one answers, "Having a drink."

She querys, "It's a little early for you two to be out, isn't it?"

The big vampire says, "The cloud cover protects us from the sun."

About this time, the door opens and in comes a tall, thin man with craggy features, who was thought to have died in the nineties who'd been a Kung-fu Master in the seventies. The big vampire brightens up and says, "My favorite convert, come on over here and join us."

"Naw", says the converted vampire, "I'm going to kick Hussy-the-vampire-butt-kicker's butt," and heads for her.

Immediately, she takes up a Kung-fu stance, declaring, "In your dreams, beanstalk."

About that time, the door opens and in comes an uniformed Army sergeant wearing a MP arm band. He takes one look, and says, "Hussy, you know the CO told you, no Kung-fu off base."
At this, the little vampire says, "He's mine" and flies over, try to get a bite of the sergeant's neck.

At that, the big vampire jumps over the bar, and tries to get a bite out of the hunk of a bartender's neck.

In the meanwhile, Hussy-the-vampire-butt-kicker is fighting the tall thin vampire and chairs are flying, tables are crashing, the bartender smashes the big vampire against the big mirror behind the bar and the little vampire is on the burly sergeant's back angling for a bite of his neck.

About this time, the door opens and in comes three old, wizened men, wearing the habits of Jesuit priests. They take one look, bless themselves, go into a huddle and pray. Then, they step back and bless the bar and start an exorcism. Shortly, the three vampires run out the back door and the other three fighters takes a breather.

Hussy-the-vampire-butt-kicker asks the three Jesuits, "How did you do that?"

The oldest answered, "We exorcised them."

Wait for it,

Hussy-the-vampire-butt-kicker replies,

Wait for it,

"But they didn't run..."

Wait for it,

"...when we exercised them."

Lost_Sheep · #63 Sep 4, '11, 2:30 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by donsnow

"...when we exercised them."

Groan.

donsnow · #64 Sep 4, '11, 7:33 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lost_Sheep

Groan.

Heh heh heh.

I love puns and synonyms.

donsnow · #65 Sep 4, '11, 7:35 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by donsnow

Shaggy Vampire Story

It was a dark and stormy evening. Two vampires, a big one and a little one, go into a bar. It's quiet and the hunk of a bar tender asks what they'll have. The big vampire is looking longingly at the bartender's neck. The vampires order their drinks and the big one keeps staring at the bartender's neck with obvious longing.

The bartender says, "Hey, guy, don't get any ideas, I'm straight."

The big vampire says, "Oh, no, I'm not gay. It's alright, we're vampires. I just want to suck your neck."

At that, the bartender goes to the other end of the counter and starts polishing the bar.

About this time, the door opens and in comes the world famous (Except for the USofA) Hussy-the-vampire-butt-kicker. The 5' tall, 80 lb, brunette and hazel eyed beauty struts up to the two vampires and asks, "What are you two doing here?"

The little one answers, "Having a drink."

She querys, "It's a little early for you two to be out, isn't it?"

The big vampire says, "The cloud cover protects us from the sun."

About this time, the door opens and in comes a tall, thin man with craggy features, who was thought to have died in the nineties who'd been a Kung-fu Master in the seventies. The big vampire brightens up and says, "My favorite convert, come on over here and join us."

"Naw", says the converted vampire, "I'm going to kick Hussy-the-vampire-butt-kicker's butt," and heads for her.

Immediately, she takes up a Kung-fu stance, declaring, "In your dreams, beanstalk."

About that time, the door opens and in comes a burly police sergeant He takes one look, and says, "Hussy, you know the judge told you, no Kung-fu in public places."
At this, the little vampire says, "He's mine" and flies over, try to get a bite of the sergeant's neck.

At that, the big vampire jumps over the bar, and tries to get a bite out of the hunk of a bartender's neck.

In the meanwhile, Hussy-the-vampire-butt-kicker is fighting the tall thin vampire and chairs are flying, tables are crashing, the bartender smashes the big vampire against the big mirror behind the bar and the little vampire is on the burly sergeant's back angling for a bite of his neck.

About this time, the door opens and in comes three old, wizened men, wearing the habits of Jesuit priests. They take one look, bless themselves, go into a huddle and pray. Then, they step back and bless the bar and start an exorcism. Shortly, the three vampires run out the back door and the other three fighters takes a breather.

Hussy-the-vampire-butt-kicker asks the three Jesuits, "How did you do that?"

The oldest answered, "We exorcised them."

Wait for it,

Hussy-the-vampire-butt-kicker replies,

Wait for it,

"But they didn't run..."

Wait for it,

"...when we exercised them."

I've taken the liberty to edit this for smoothing it out.

donsnow · #66 Sep 5, '11, 3:40 pm

An old woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "I want you to paint me with a diamond necklace and earrings, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant."

"But, you're not wearing any of those things," the artist replied.

"I know," she said, "It's in case I die before my husband. I just know he'll marry one of his little girl friends right away, and I want her to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

choliks · #67 Sep 6, '11, 2:05 am

I don't know if this has been told before...

A transvestite approached a pastor and asked him to be baptized.

At the river, the pastor asked, "do you want to be a Christian?" To which the man said a resounding "yes!"

So the pastor dunked the transvestite three times in the water; each immersion longer than the one before.

After the third immersion, the man raises himself up and the pastor exclaimed: "Rejoice for you are now a Christian!"

The man answered, "No Reverend! I'm now a mermaid!"

donsnow · #68 Sep 7, '11, 3:39 am

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

Our President finds lots of scapegoats, doesn't he?

**GEddie** · #69 Sep 7, '11, 6:02 pm

A Texan goes to Heaven and shortly becomes a pain in the celestial neck, as no matter what wonders he sees in Eternity, his response was, "We have better in Texas."

Finally, Saint Peter in exasperation grabs the back of Tex's neck and drags him to the edge of the pit of Hell; with his head out over the yawning gulf and the roaring flames, S. Peter asks Tex: "Do you have anything like THAT in Texas??????"

"No," Tex admits; "but my old buddy in Houston can put it out in 10 minutes."

minkymurph · #70 Sep 8, '11, 7:53 am

A very radical evangelist preacher is giving his Sermon on Sunday, and little old lady is sitting in the front row of the Church.

The preacher is breathing hell fire and brimstone from the pulpit, 'If you are not saved int the blood of the Lamb, you will BURN! BURN I said, in the fire's of hell were there is nothing but darkness, and misery. And there will be a gnashing, YES, a gnashing OF TEETH!

The little old lady looks up at the preacher and says, 'I haven't got any teeth?'

The preacher looks down at her from the pulpit and says, 'TEETH, WILL BE PROVIDED!'

minkymurph · #71 Sep 8, '11, 8:07 am

A Catholic, a Fundamentalist Christian and Jew die and are sitting in a waiting room, waiting to face God.

A voice booms out and addressing the Catholic and orders, 'Room number 1!'

The Catholic goes into room 1 were he finds the ugliest woman he has ever seen. a real hag - face like a dried up prune, warts, toothless and a horrible cackle.

The voice booms out again, 'For the sins you have committed on earth, you will spend eternity with this woman!'

Back in the waiting room, the voice booms out addressing the Jew and orders, 'room number 2.'

The Jew enters room number 2 and finds a woman who is even uglier than the one the Catholic was given - warts, toothless, smells, three strands of dirty, smelly hair, and an even more blood curdling cackle.

The voice booms out, 'For the sins you have committed on earth, you will spend eternity with this woman!'

Back to the waiting room - the Fundamentalist Christian is ordered to room 3 and finds himself face to face with Gwyneth Paltrow. He is delighted, elated that he has been rewarded for his faith and all the good he has done on earth until the voice booms out -

Gwyneth Paltrow, for the sins you have committed on earth, you will spend eternity with this man!

Lost_Sheep · #72 Sep 8, '11, 9:53 am

Two convicts were scheduled to be executed at dawn. The warden comes to them the night before and asks if they each have a last request.

The first convict says "Yes. I'd like you to play 'Achy Breaky Heart' on the speakers when you pull the switch."

The warden says "Well, that is a rather unusual request, but sure, I think we can accommodate that." Then he turns to the second convict and says "How about you? Last request?"

The second convict says "Yeah. Kill me first."

donsnow · #73 Sep 9, '11, 9:16 am

LOL! Neat jokes.

A young man went to audition for a tv talent show.

"What do you do?" the show's producer asked him.

"I imitate birds," the young man replied.

"Bird imitators are a dime a dozen. We can't use you. Get out of here."

"Ok," the disappointed young man said. He then flapped his arms and flew out the window.

Lost_Sheep · #74 Sep 9, '11, 6:07 pm

Fidel Castro died and went to Heaven but St. Peter said he wasn't on the list and had to go to Hell instead. So Castro went to Hell where the devil gave him a warm welcome.

But then Castro realized he had left his luggage in Heaven. "No problem," said Satan, "I'll send a couple of my little devils up to fetch it."

When the little devils arrived in Heaven they found the Gates locked and St. Peter was at lunch. So they decided to climb the wall and get the luggage but as they did so they were spotted by two angels.

One angel said to the other: "Look at that. Castro hasn't been in Hell five minutes and we're already getting refugees."

CopticChristian · #75 Sep 9, '11, 7:53 pm

I got tired of the other forums and thought I would try this.

Man is sitting in a bar in New York, introduces himself to a lady and says “I’m John Jones, I know everybody and everybody knows me”. She was astonished. Do you know the Mayor.

They leave the bar, hail a cab right up to City Hall, walk into the Mayor’s office and the Mayor says, hey John Jones how are you. To the lady he says “I’m John Jones, I know everybody and everybody knows me”.

That was impressive. Do you know the Governor? But of course and off they went to Albany and as they walked into the governor’s mansion, the governor says hey John Jones how are you. To the lady he says “I’m John Jones, I know everybody and everybody knows me”.

The lady is thoroughly impressed and of course next comes the President and the President knows John as they fly off to Washington and back.

Conversation turns to religion and John says you should meet the Pope. The Pope she says and he says of course. I know the Pope, “I’m John Jones, I know everybody and everybody knows me”.

They fly to Italy and arrive in St. Peter’s square. Soon the Pope is going to appear. He tells the lady to wait and to look at the window where the Pope will appear. He leaves and the Pope is having an audience and at his side is John Jones.

She is amazed. A couple standing next to her turn to her and try to get her attention. They say, excuse me but may we ask you a question? Sure. Can you tell us who that man is standing up there in the window with John Jones?