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  #1  
Old Sep 4, '11, 5:52 am
RVGiancarlo RVGiancarlo is offline
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Default Can a Sex Addict be Reformed?

This thread was started and there was no activity on it some time ago. I wish to open this subject anew with my history and look forward to your inputs. It is rather long winded. Please have patience.

Am I reformed? Probably not, but I didn't even know or accept that I was an addict until recently. First my story: I lost my virginity at 12. I have then cheated on every girl/woman I've had a relationship with since high school through four marriages (fourth and current marriage NOT PHYSICALLY). I did not cheat every chance I got, I did not search for cheating opportunities, I did not carry on affairs. I cheated in single digits total on these three first wives only. Does that make it any better? No, it's just a fact for your consideration.

I cheated on my third wife with my current wife. I have not had sex with anyone since meeting my current wife however I have had a number of inappropriate relationships with women to the exclusion of my wife and even putting these other women ahead of her for one reason or another. Mind you there were no sexual intentions whatsoever, one was a dinner with her friend, and two were with business associates. I have not flirted or played silly games or innuendo with anyone since an episode with a Fredericks of Hollywood cashier while buying my wife some lingerie.

I was brought up that if you didn't have sex with someone you weren't cheating on your wife. My current wife showed me how wrong that is and I fully agree with her and understand how my actions in the past have hurt her and how I cheated on her. I am very sorry for hurting her the way I did, and although I always say ignorance is no excuse, it again happens to be a fact. In the future I will always be especially cautious of my actions but most importantly will always put my wife first and foremost in every situation.

In late 2004 I was retiring from my job and had time on my hands. I discovered internet chat rooms. My kids had shown me messenger programs but I didn't know about chat rooms until this time. My initial intentions were very genuine as I did not go to any dating, fooling around or plain ole sex chat rooms. I went into a category of rooms related to my job field and thought I would actually get conversation. Much to my surprise there was a lot of sex talk and even more surprising there were people (mostly women) getting naked and "playing" on their web cam. My marriage wasn't going so well so I sought acceptance here thinking "maybe I can look and play here and people will like me". They did. And I guess at this point you could say it got addicting.

I continued this for three years and in that time I met hundreds, perhaps a thousand women. I had a friends list of over 200 although many were added for future reference while I only really talked and played with a much smaller number. I collected pictures from women and made pictures of myself that (in hindsight) I foolishly shared. I put them on cd to preserve them. I only collected ďrealĒ pictures of ďrealĒ people. Iím not a fan of pornography or menís magazines. My wife feels there is significance here and I agree with her as relates to my past and upbringing.

Then I met my wife in the room. My wife was not one of those that was playing or talking about sex or anything like that. She was in a not great marriage but I know her intent was not to go ďtrollingĒ on line for a man. We did somehow find each other and began chatting. I liked her a lot because she was a real person with a real life and wasnít all about the sex. Well that wasnít good enough for me and in short I dragged her into that world, totally humiliating her in the process. Iím not going to go into details but I am not proud of what I did to that great lady. In the end we really did like each other, fell in love, and came together. In the process I learned a lot from her including what marriage should be and how a wife should be treated and how a husband is supposed to act.

To detail my behaviors a bit, I spent many hours on the internet ďplayingĒ. I had an infant son that while I didnít neglect, I would ďtake care ofĒ in his crib, at his high chair, in front of the tv, while I played. I didnít miss work for my addiction but I did spend countless (9 hours of 12 hour shift) hours on the phone from work with my now wife. I left work for a few hours one particular weekend, when she came to town for our first meeting, to see her for sex. I didnít spend any money on my addiction at all on sex. I didnít go to strip clubs, pay for pornographic subscriptions or anything like that. I met one other person in person for sex who lived about 90 minutes from me. At that time (still late 2004) I wouldnít have gotten in the car to go to meet her or anyone but I had business to do in her area so we met. In later years it is likely I would have made that trip without thinking about it but never did meet anyone else until my wife came to see me.

To fast forward a bit, I got rid of the ďfor funĒ web ID and no longer played on the internet after making a few bad mistakes. It took getting caught lying to her and covering up bad behavior when I claimed my love for her. I truly did love her but had a hard time breaking away from that life (first hit me over the head with a shovel sign of an impending addiction. Too bad I didnít see that until years later). I was still chatting the day she was driving nearly cross country to meet me. I was caught later on and paid dearly for that. Eventually, it was only her that I would play with on line and a couple close mutual friends who I would still play for. Then I even dragged her into playing with me on cam. NOT COOL.

This thread was too long so I am adding the remainder as a reply.
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  #2  
Old Sep 4, '11, 5:53 am
RVGiancarlo RVGiancarlo is offline
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Default Re: Can a Sex Addict be Reformed?

So aside from the exclusivity factor, my now wife put the fear of God in me. If I ever cheated on her again, and oh yes, internet play is cheating she wouldÖ.fill in the blank. I stopped and I never went back, that is not until this past July. Iíll catch up to that soon. Yes she scared the **** out of me, but I also have outgrown that. I truly donít have any interest in returning to that world. Iím too old and was too embarrassed by it to begin with. I thought it was stupid then and I really do think itís stupid now. I hate the social networking sites as well and this really isnít for me. I donít feel like I have to control it more than itís just not a part of me, or it wasnít.

So why did I go into a chat room, that same class of rooms, two months ago? I donít know. My wife tells me we were arguing then. Is that an excuse? Hell no. I went in, looked around, saw no conversation and actually went into another room. I quickly got out realizing I donít want to be here for one but that this is just wrong for two. This is wrong for me, my addiction and for my wife. What the hell am I doing here? And got out.

Unfortunately my wife doesnít believe me. She caught me because a few females tried to make contact with me after I got out of the room and my wife saw the conversation record in my email. I didnít even know it was kept there but now she is convinced that I am lying about everything. Now, to provide some history there as well, I lie a lot. I wish I knew why. Well part of it is because I know how my wife will react to things; she will blow them out of proportion like she is this. Now that she has seen this and I came clean (read as, got caught) she doesnít believe anything I say (canít blame her) and is thinking the worst about everything. She now thinks I have carried on on-line affairs, been chatting previous to this, been on web cam before or on a regular basis, and even accused me of having real live sex with women. NONE OF THIS IS TRUE. How does a chronic liar convince someone of many truths intermixed with a lie or two? Iíve said it before to her, it doesnít matter how big or little the lie is, itís still a lie. I also have said it takes a thousand ďatta-boysĒ to erase one mistake, but that is what I am trying to do. I LOVE MY WIFE VERY MUCH but now she wants me to attend in residence treatment, group therapy, and is convinced I am the devil when Iím really not. I slipped, yes, bad, and I lied and have done that quite often, worse. What can I do?

So am I reformed? I donít think so and I do want help but I am certainly not the devil.
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  #3  
Old Sep 4, '11, 6:06 am
sky1 sky1 is offline
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Default Re: Can a Sex Addict be Reformed?

Read the lives of the saints. Especially St Margaret of Cortona

The mercy of God is limitless. Try to reform your lives by reading the lives of the saints. The Diary of St Faustina is a great start.

Start over.

Learn about chastity, perhaps? There are quite some resources of chastity on the internet.

What you do is a mortal sin, and you should stop offending God or you can go to hell.

Try the free books offered on the saints. Read a couple of them, and imitate their lives.

Confession is a place where you can start over and get absolved from past sins, if you want to reform your life.

God Bless
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  #4  
Old Sep 4, '11, 6:25 am
RVGiancarlo RVGiancarlo is offline
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Default Re: Can a Sex Addict be Reformed?

Thank you sky1 but I don't want a lot of quotations and notations and telling me where to go. While I value your opinion and will check out your suggestions, I would like to hear your opinions. What do you see in my situation? Are there any professionals in here moderating or monitoring to help.

Please forgive me but far too many people pretend to live the life by hiding behind quotations and other literary works but don't live the life. I am trying by all that is holy to live the life and I would like to hear from you what you all have to say.

Thank you
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  #5  
Old Sep 4, '11, 6:36 am
sky1 sky1 is offline
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Default Re: Can a Sex Addict be Reformed?

I don't know, first of all....


There is nothing impossible with God. And his mercy is limitless. You are asking if you can be reformed.... well, you should learn about healthy sexuality first.

Theology of the Body - by Pope John Paul, explained by Christopher West is something that has healed my sexuality also.

You should learn about sexuality according to God's holy will, and his will regarding to our sexuality is chastity.

Fill your time with resources of chastity, maybe you can find something to answer your question regarding your struggles.

First of all you need to find God, and forget all the rest. He's the only one that can reform your life.

Try to find Christopher West's talks here. Maybe he will answer your questions. Or see his videos. There are free resources for that

I agree with literary works or quotations, but works by the saints are different. They live the life, not only teach them. And we can imitate that, by reading their works

In catholicism, I think you can only got married once, if you have a third or fourth wife, ... that is living in adultery, and not in conformity with God's holy will.

But to answer your questions, yes, you can be reformed. St Mary Magdalene was a prostitute (and could possibly be an addict, before she was converted)... a prostitute, then a saint. St Augustine and St Margaret of Cortona both had a child outside of marriage and did cohabitated. Yet they were reformed and became saints

God loves us... what he ask is us to love him back.

As a catholic, the sacrament of confession, and forgiveness and love from Jesus is the only thing that can reform our lives, and contrition, and sorrow from our sins.

And pray the rosary, and the divine mercy chaplet. Aside from the sacraments, the thing that can reform your life is prayer. Prayer and the Sacraments are the source of Grace. To reform our lives we need God's Grace, we cannot do it out of our own strength, it is beyond our capabilities. We need God and we need his help and Grace.

If you lean on God, and ask his help, he will help you to reform your life, and start over as a child of God. His forgiveness is something that will heal us and we need to ask his forgiveness because we are sinners.

God Bless

Last edited by sky1; Sep 4, '11 at 6:56 am.
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  #6  
Old Sep 4, '11, 7:51 am
thistle thistle is offline
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Default Re: Can a Sex Addict be Reformed?

Quote:
Originally Posted by RVGiancarlo View Post
Thank you sky1 but I don't want a lot of quotations and notations and telling me where to go. While I value your opinion and will check out your suggestions, I would like to hear your opinions. What do you see in my situation? Are there any professionals in here moderating or monitoring to help.

Please forgive me but far too many people pretend to live the life by hiding behind quotations and other literary works but don't live the life. I am trying by all that is holy to live the life and I would like to hear from you what you all have to say.

Thank you
St Augustine was a sex addict and he reformed.
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  #7  
Old Sep 4, '11, 2:25 pm
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AnneTeresa AnneTeresa is offline
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Default Re: Can a Sex Addict be Reformed?

Try a 12-step program--sex addicts anonymous is one. It can help if you really work the program and are willing to change. In the program, you must surreder all to God to change you and then you learn to do what is necessary to reform. It strips you of your lies becuase you must become accountable to others in person. It does work for those who really are willing to surrender and change. It doesn't work for those who just "talk the talk" but aren't willing to do the hard work.
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  #8  
Old Sep 4, '11, 7:12 pm
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vardaquinn vardaquinn is offline
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Default Re: Can a Sex Addict be Reformed?

Any sinner can be reformed. It's called "Redemption". It's kind of what this religion is all about...
__________________
"Truly this light is a sea which feeds the soul until it is all immersed in You, O peaceful Sea, eternal Trinity!" - St. Catherine of Siena
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  #9  
Old Sep 4, '11, 7:36 pm
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JerrySeibert JerrySeibert is offline
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Join Date: January 15, 2010
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Default Re: Can a Sex Addict be Reformed?

Quote:
Originally Posted by RVGiancarlo View Post
Thank you sky1 but I don't want a lot of quotations and notations and telling me where to go. While I value your opinion and will check out your suggestions, I would like to hear your opinions. What do you see in my situation? Are there any professionals in here moderating or monitoring to help.

Please forgive me but far too many people pretend to live the life by hiding behind quotations and other literary works but don't live the life. I am trying by all that is holy to live the life and I would like to hear from you what you all have to say.

Thank you
Rv; bad situation you have betrayed the woman you say you love. This thing to do now is to prove to her you love her. Most wife beaters tell their spouse how much they love them as they lay in a pool of there own blood. Yes, I am being harsh. It would seem from your posts you have done this for some time. You admit to lying habitually and still claim your love. You wife may not want words but action.
Get rid of the computer! Change the passwords to something your wife knows. YOU DONT. Then sign up for a new email address. Walk away from it, prove to your wife you do not need that stuff. You don't need it really, now you need to convince her and yourself you do not.
The temptation will be there.... if it means you don't touch a computer for a month, then leave it off. Leave it off and unplugged.
Or only use the computer with her in the room. What you have to do is teach responsibility. That you can use the device for it's intended purpose with no intent otherwise. And, ((EXPERIENCE HERE TALKING)) Have the guts to turn it off if tempted. Don't play the game with the devil....5 minutes that is.... then tomorrow 10 minutes.... "I can stop when I want" .... The famous last words of all addicts..I can stop when I want...
Stay away from that silly game it will only lead to another divorce and lead you further away from God. Here is another suggestion..............PRAY Pray when you are tempted that God would take it from you. Offer the temptation to him as Penance. Yes I prayed allot during this time. But it did work, for me and two other members to Catholic.com who I shared my experience with.
Lastly, stop the lying, why? Because you love her or so you say. I have been harsh and I do not blame you if I have upset you. Your post leads one to believe you have an 'unchecked' history of this and you asked the question. Forgive me for being the one to call you to the carpet so to speak. I'm in your corner, you can beat this. If you want, but do you? If you continue to lie and hide things it would seem your guilt is only in the fact that you were caught. You need to fix it for the right reasons to fix guilt is not a strong, why.
Peace,
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