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  #1  
Old Sep 10, '11, 8:03 am
Whitacre_Girl Whitacre_Girl is offline
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Default okay, I've had enough. Please help me!

My first real boyfriend was in high school. He was everything that a girl SHOULDN'T date and I only did so because I was suffering from severe self-image and self-esteem issues and I thought I could do no better than him.

We knew each other 4 years, the whole time he was pursuing me something fierce. I gave in at the end and we dated for about a month to a month and a half. Finally, I got the nerve to dump him knowing that I'd rather die alone than be with him. Something I knew all along but refused to admit.

Our chemistry was really strong and we fooled around more than I'd like. I spent YEARS mourning my sin but still thanking God that I didn't give everything away. As the years came and went, I had other boyfriends and even one really big heartbreak with a guy I was crazy about at the time. I also moved on and met my husband. We had crazy chemistry, we both love Jesus, and we are madly in love. We have our ups and downs but we have a solid marriage and we are crazy about each other even if the passion has waned from those first crazy 6 months or so of marriage.

What's ticking me right off is that this first boyfriend keeps popping up in my dreams!! I don't think about him at all during the day, and the dreams are all the same. He finds me or I run into him, he confesses that he is still in love with me and tries to get me to leave my husband for him. I refuse, but he works his charm and in my dreams I still have feelings for him. I almost always end up kissing him at some point, and that's usually when I wake up with a "no!" being shouted. Scares hubby EVERY time. He hates it when I sleep yell...lol

Whenever I wake up I feel horribly guilty for dreaming about an ex, and slightly nauseated because this guy was a nightmare! I told my husband about the dreams once and I could tell it really bothered him. I mean, just the same as any guy is bothered about hearing about a girl's ex. I don't bring it up to him anymore because, well, it happens ALL the time and I know he doesn't want to hear about it.

I've prayed for God to take these dreams away, but they keep happening. Any advice? I just want these dreams to stop!! At least when I wake up hubby is always there next to me and I can hug the begeezus out of him and pray fervently in thanksgiving for having such a wonderful man in my life.
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  #2  
Old Sep 10, '11, 8:35 am
DaveBj DaveBj is offline
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Default Re: okay, I've had enough. Please help me!

A few words from a geezer.

First of all, from your own words, you didn't really do anything seriously wrong with this old boyfriend, and what you did do, you have repented for. Consider the words of King Hezekiah, recorded in Isaiah 38:17 -- "Behold, for peace I had great bitterness: but thou hast in love to my soul delivered it from the pit of corruption: for thou hast cast all my sins behind thy back."

Second, about your dreams: I have done a lot of research on dreams, because most of my sleep time is taken up with REM sleep -- dreams. I dream vividly and for what seems like most of the night. However, I learned from my research, and I have confirmed it with my own experience, that dreams are nothing more that the efforts of the subconscious mind to make sense of random neural firings that take place in the brain while we are asleep. They have no real significance, other that giving us something for which we can say, "Thanks, Lord, that was pleasant," or "Thanks, Lord, that what I just experienced isn't real!"

Anyway, the true set of your mind shows, in that the the dream always ends with you shouting "No!" (and scaring the poo out of your husband ).
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  #3  
Old Sep 10, '11, 8:41 am
silicasandra silicasandra is offline
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Default Re: okay, I've had enough. Please help me!

I don't have any advice for getting the prayers to stop, but I did want to let you know that you're not alone. I have been having dreams about a boy I dated a long time ago recently. I hate having them; makes me feel like I'm cheating even though nothing ever happens in the dream (or he makes advances and I refuse.)

Just keep on praying! Hopefully they will stop and/or you realize their purpose.
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  #4  
Old Sep 10, '11, 9:51 am
Catholic1954 Catholic1954 is offline
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Default Re: okay, I've had enough. Please help me!

When you go to sleep tonight, tell yourself that if this bum shows up in a dream, you will introduce him to your husband, who will be more than happy/capable of defending your honor and give this guy the boot for good.
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  #5  
Old Sep 10, '11, 9:58 am
Catholic90 Catholic90 is offline
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Default Re: okay, I've had enough. Please help me!

I can relate. Since school started last week, I have been having dreams about my late husband, and in almost every dream he is drunk or acting inappropriately. I wake up SO MAD. Then I realize it was just a dream, life is good, and continue on with the day.

I think it was the stress of school starting and the stress of living with an alcoholic all coming out in firing neurons. It is annoying, though.
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  #6  
Old Sep 10, '11, 10:09 am
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runningdude runningdude is offline
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Default Re: okay, I've had enough. Please help me!

This is one of the consequences of intimacy before marriage; sometimes your body will simply crave someone from the past, and it can strain your current or future marriage.

Its not sometime to feel unduly guilty about. You have confessed the previous involvement, and now you must heal. Promoting healing is the nature of the penance assigned by a pries following confession, and sometimes your mind will try to help the healing process by resolving old thought through dreams. Given time, and some relaxation, it will likely go away. It may also help to discuss any minor (or major) problems you and your husband were having (without mentioning the dreams) , as this may be triggering a nostalgia for a simpler time.

Quote:
I spent YEARS mourning my sin but still thanking God that I didn't give everything away.
There's no need to worry about abstract consequences of sins such as offending God. Sin, by its very nature, causes enough harm without the burden of worry.
__________________
Only the Gospel is Gospel Truth; everything else is up for debate.
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  #7  
Old Sep 10, '11, 10:27 am
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willofgods willofgods is offline
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Default Re: okay, I've had enough. Please help me!

Dreams can be difficult to manipulate, but have you tried changing certain things you do in the last waking hours of the day?
Try avoiding certain foods or caffeine, TV, exercise, just before bed. Maybe switch sides with your husband in bed. It could help maybe
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  #8  
Old Sep 10, '11, 2:51 pm
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Kindness Kindness is offline
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Default Re: okay, I've had enough. Please help me!

Some advice I got one time and I find really works is to keep telling yourself that when something disturbing starts happening in a dream you are going to pray - for myself I decided to say a Hail Mary. I kept thinking about it and saying the prayer to myself as I fell asleep and after a while it really worked!

Something weird or frightening would happen and eventually I started to say a Hail Mary and the dream would change, the disturbances would melt away. You can also say the name of Jesus or a title of Jesus that you love such as Prince of Peace. Give it a whirl
__________________
"We believe in persons and when we talk to God we speak with persons" who are concrete and tangible,
not some misty, diffused god-like "'god-spray,' that's a little bit everywhere but who knows what it is."
Pope Francis April 18th 2013


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  #9  
Old Sep 10, '11, 4:06 pm
Whitacre_Girl Whitacre_Girl is offline
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Default Re: okay, I've had enough. Please help me!

Thank you everyone so much. It feels good that I am not alone in these unwanted dreams. I also spoke to a friend today about it and she had some helpful insight about how smart God is to tell us to avoid intimacy before marriage.

I spent my time with a fishing pole in hand reflecting on the dreams. Every minute details and working through the similarities. I noticed three things:

1. He always, ALWAYS has blue hair. I have never seen him with blue hair.
2. There is always a physical pull SO strong to this guy that I can't resist it.
3. He is always trying to get me to do something bad with him...usually smoking pot which he was infamous for in high school. Or leave my husband, cheat on him, etc.
4. I always wake up shouting and thrashing around.

I've nailed down the thrashing and shouting though. I am always fighting the dream the whole time, but it's like I'm on a roller coaster. I have NO control in the dream once it starts. For the first little bit when he shows up it shocks me into a somewhat lucid state. It is during that lucid state that I generally summon my husband if he isn't already present to stop the temptation. But once things get going, I'm just along from the ride.

Some things I have noticed that aren't the same. Those all have to do with my husband. In one dream he caught me cheating on him with this guy. The rest of the dream played out with us talking about it, him forgiving me, and us resolving to be a godlier couple. Sometimes he punches the guy out. Sometimes he catches me kissing him, and puts a stop to it. It's just weird.

I think poor hubby just wants me to stop the thrashing and screaming. Apparently last night I kicked him so hard in the shin my toenails left marks. Then when I screamed he almost went to the couch. haha. Poor wonderful guy....
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  #10  
Old Sep 10, '11, 10:40 pm
paulmcdanielson paulmcdanielson is offline
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Default Re: okay, I've had enough. Please help me!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kindness View Post
Some advice I got one time and I find really works is to keep telling yourself that when something disturbing starts happening in a dream you are going to pray - for myself I decided to say a Hail Mary. I kept thinking about it and saying the prayer to myself as I fell asleep and after a while it really worked!

Something weird or frightening would happen and eventually I started to say a Hail Mary and the dream would change, the disturbances would melt away. You can also say the name of Jesus or a title of Jesus that you love such as Prince of Peace. Give it a whirl
I do the same. Also, you can wake up and just feel bummed out, turned on, spent, exhausted and/or a million other things from a dream. Just remember: They are just emotions! Emotions are not sins, are not right or wrong! What we do with those emotions determines who we are.
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  #11  
Old Sep 11, '11, 12:26 am
Whitacre_Girl Whitacre_Girl is offline
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Default Re: okay, I've had enough. Please help me!

Quote:
Originally Posted by paulmcdanielson View Post
I do the same. Also, you can wake up and just feel bummed out, turned on, spent, exhausted and/or a million other things from a dream. Just remember: They are just emotions! Emotions are not sins, are not right or wrong! What we do with those emotions determines who we are.
Thanks for the reminder on this. Honestly, I think I handle the emotions from this dream properly, I'm just super annoyed that my subconscious is choosing THIS ex to dream about. I'd rather dream about the first few months of dating the only man I've ever had sex with - my HUSBAND!!

Although hubby disagrees that I handle the emotions from the dream properly, given the screaming and thrashing all night...haha
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  #12  
Old Sep 11, '11, 2:27 am
dedo dedo is offline
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Default Re: okay, I've had enough. Please help me!

Hi Whitacre_Girl:

I would examine what you are doing as far as daily devotions and make sure you are spending time with God every day, and adjust / increase this. Then see if this problem doesn't fade away.

By adjust I mean within reason. I don't mean 5 hours per day like a monk; however, many people's average day does not include 5 minutes of time with God, and this is the source of a whole myriad of problems.

Add a periodic prayer to St. Michael to these devotions. Time with the Rosary may also be effective. You can start with one decade per day.

Good luck,

Dedo
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  #13  
Old Sep 11, '11, 4:53 am
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DaddyGirl DaddyGirl is offline
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Default Re: okay, I've had enough. Please help me!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Whitacre_Girl View Post
What's ticking me right off is that this first boyfriend keeps popping up in my dreams!! I don't think about him at all during the day, and the dreams are all the same. He finds me or I run into him, he confesses that he is still in love with me and tries to get me to leave my husband for him. I refuse, but he works his charm and in my dreams I still have feelings for him. I almost always end up kissing him at some point, and that's usually when I wake up with a "no!" being shouted. Scares hubby EVERY time. He hates it when I sleep yell...lol

Whenever I wake up I feel horribly guilty for dreaming about an ex, and slightly nauseated because this guy was a nightmare! I told my husband about the dreams once and I could tell it really bothered him. I mean, just the same as any guy is bothered about hearing about a girl's ex. I don't bring it up to him anymore because, well, it happens ALL the time and I know he doesn't want to hear about it.

.
A top therapist once told me that if we have recurring dreams about something, it means we are trying to work out something about the issue. For example, you said you felt guilty and terrible for fooling around more than you wished you had with that first bad boyfriend. And you also say that you feel guilty when you wake up from the nightmares. Perhaps there is a link. Maybe you should make sure you REALLY DO forgive yourself for fooling around with this first dude...it could just be lingering feelings of guilt you have from that first relationship that is hanging around in your subconscious...especially because now you have your great guy, and yet, your self esteem was low years ago...so it's your low self esteem creeping in, saying, "you dont deserve this great guy! you deserve the bad guy!"....
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  #14  
Old Sep 11, '11, 4:04 pm
Musician Musician is offline
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Default Re: okay, I've had enough. Please help me!

Quote:
Originally Posted by DaveBj View Post
A few words from a geezer.

First of all, from your own words, you didn't really do anything seriously wrong with this old boyfriend, and what you did do, you have repented for. Consider the words of King Hezekiah, recorded in Isaiah 38:17 -- "Behold, for peace I had great bitterness: but thou hast in love to my soul delivered it from the pit of corruption: for thou hast cast all my sins behind thy back."

Second, about your dreams: I have done a lot of research on dreams, because most of my sleep time is taken up with REM sleep -- dreams. I dream vividly and for what seems like most of the night. However, I learned from my research, and I have confirmed it with my own experience, that dreams are nothing more that the efforts of the subconscious mind to make sense of random neural firings that take place in the brain while we are asleep. They have no real significance, other that giving us something for which we can say, "Thanks, Lord, that was pleasant," or "Thanks, Lord, that what I just experienced isn't real!"

Anyway, the true set of your mind shows, in that the the dream always ends with you shouting "No!" (and scaring the poo out of your husband ).
Absolutely correct! I would say there is something about this monthlong relationship that affected you badly (you still feel guilt, etc.) and your subconscious is still sorting out the pieces. I went for two years with the same nightmare, every single night. It was exhausting; but it finally worked its way out of my system somehow. I will say that I try to adhere to a very sincere prayer life since experiencing miracles in my life due to the power of prayer.
So pray, pray, pray, and let yourself heal from this.
__________________
Devout Catholic wife to a wonderful man and mother to four grown children plus their spouses; grandmother to eight beautiful darlings!
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  #15  
Old Sep 11, '11, 6:01 pm
Mrs Sally Mrs Sally is offline
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Default Re: okay, I've had enough. Please help me!

Speak to your priest. Yes, you've confessed and received absolution, but some spiritual counseling could also help. You could also ask him to bless your house. I don't think these dreams are demonic or anything likely that, but it may give you to peace of mind you need.

We had our house blessed when we moved in and recently had the Sacred Heart enthroned in our house. It was a lovely ceremony and has been a great source of blessings.
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