Coffee (Clean Joke)

[Pfaffenhoffen]

[Bob Crowley]

Originally Posted by Pfaffenhoffen

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley and back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

Dick and Harry were working on a power line. Dick was holding the ladder, when Harry dropped something from above.

A little old lady was watching, and heard what Dick said. She rang the power company and complained.

Next day, the boss called them in and said, "I've had a complaint from an elderly lady where you were working yesterday. She said she'd never heard such vulgar language! Care to explain?"

They looked at each other, and then Dick said, "I was holding the ladder, and Harry was up top doing some soldering. Unfortunately, he dropped a dirty big pile of really hot solder and it went right down the back of my overalls".

The manager said, "So what did you say next?"

Dick: "I looked up at Harry, and all I said was, 'Harry, you should really be more careful!'"

[Pfaffenhoffen]

One day a genie appeared to a California man and offered to grant him one wish.

the man said:” I wish you'd build a bridge from here to Hawaii so I could drive there anytime"

The genie frowned" I don't know. It sounds like quite an undertaking,” he said. "Just think of the logistics. The supports required reaching the bottom of the ocean, the concrete, and the steel! Why don't you pick something else?"

The man thought for a while and then said, "Okay, I wish for a complete understanding of women- what they are thinking, why they cry. I wish I knew how to make a woman truly happy".

The genie was silent for a minute, then said "So how many lanes did you want on that bridge?"

[Pfaffenhoffen]

[Pfaffenhoffen]

[Pfaffenhoffen]

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?"

"The jerk called back!"

[Pfaffenhoffen]

Originally Posted by Bob Crowley

Dick and Harry were working on a power line. Dick was holding the ladder, when Harry dropped something from above.

A little old lady was watching, and heard what Dick said. She rang the power company and complained.

Next day, the boss called them in and said, "I've had a complaint from an elderly lady where you were working yesterday. She said she'd never heard such vulgar language! Care to explain?"

They looked at each other, and then Dick said, "I was holding the ladder, and Harry was up top doing some soldering. Unfortunately, he dropped a dirty big pile of really hot solder and it went right down the back of my overalls".

The manager said, "So what did you say next?"

Dick: "I looked up at Harry, and all I said was, 'Harry, you should really be more careful!'"

I believe the guy !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Pfaffenhoffen]

While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale

made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground

controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you

going! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there.

I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between 'C' and 'D', but get it right!" Continuing

her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[Pfaffenhoffen]

[Bob Crowley]

JAMES BOND Vs HYDERABAD GUY

The character James Bond has a peculiar style of introducing himself by calling first Bond, then followed by great smile & finally James Bond. His style is absolutely killing but he doesn't know the consequences when he meets our great south indian guy.

When Bond meets a Hyderabad guy James Bond : "My name's Bond...(smiles and then says).... James Bond."

James Bond: "And you?"

Telugu Guy : "I am Sai...

Venkata Sai...

Siva Venkata Sai...

Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai....

Srinivasulu Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai...

Rajasekhara Srinivasulu Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai.....

Sitaramanjaneyulu Rajasekhara Srinivasulu Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai....

Bommiraju Sitaramanjaneyulu Rajasekhara Srinivasulu Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai....

James Bond faints!!!

[Bob Crowley]

Hotel Soap Story - true?

Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in
my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please
remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the
medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are
in my way. Thank you. S. Berman

Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow,
Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the
shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I
took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in
case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I
left today which are my standing instructions from the management.
I hope this is satisfactory. Kathy, Relief Maid

Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid,
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her
concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room
this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf
under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for
two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need
those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way
when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them. S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wednesday so the relief maid left 3 hotel
soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6
soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap
dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet
for your convenience.

I did not remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always
placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which
you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let
me know if I can be of further assistance. Your regular maid, Dotty

Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder informed me this A.M.
that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with
your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I
hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If
you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it
my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8 A.M. and 5
P.M. Thank you . Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the
hotel for business at 7:45 A.M. and don' t get back before 5:30
P.M. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night - you
were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do
anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you
assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since
she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along
with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In
just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why
are you doing this to me? S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap
to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further
assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8:00 A.M. and 5:00
P.M.. Thank you. Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken
from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in last last
night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere
Bouquets. S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap
problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room
since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time
they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately.
Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience. Martin L. Kensedder, Asst. Manager

Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came
in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54
little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial.
Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my
bath-size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial. S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them
removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap
was missing so I personally returned them - the 24 Camays which
had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily.
I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously
your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she
also broguth 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know
where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was
able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room. Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap
inventory. As of today I possess:

On shelf under medicine cabinet -
18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
On bedroom dresser -
7 Cashmere Bouquet in 1 stack of 3 & 1 stack of 4, 1 hotel-
size bath-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
Inside medicine cabinet -
14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the
stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that
stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that
my bedroom window sill, which is not in use, will make an
excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have
purchased another bar of bath-size Dial which I am keeping in the
hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

[GEddie]

Originally Posted by Pfaffenhoffen

While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale

made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground

controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you

going! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there.

I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between 'C' and 'D', but get it right!" Continuing

her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

Some years back, a British Airways jet landed at Frankfurt and, rolling out, turned onto the wrong taxiway.

The German in the control tower screamed: "BA 79! BA 79! I told you to use the south taxiway! Have you never flown to Frankfurt before????"

BA 79's captain said: "Yes, in 1944.... but I didn't land."

[Bob Crowley]

The passengers were waiting on the tarmac at Sydney Airport, wondering where the pilot and co-pilot were.

Finally there was a tap on the door and Captain Bertie and Co-pilot Harry walked in. Both had dark glasses and white canes, and initially started walking towards the tail instead of the cockpit.

A stewardess turned them around and they tapped their way up the aisle to the cockpit.

The passengers couldn't believe it! Was this a joke or something? Blind pilots?

Then the plane engines started, and a voice came over the intercom, "This is Captain Bertie here, with co-pilot Harry. We'll be taking off in 5 minutes."

Five minutes later, the plane started to roll. And roll. And roll...

It was just about to crash into Botany Bay when the passengers let out one almighty scream!

And then it took off in classic fashion and soared into the sky, heading for Brisbane.

In the cockpit, Bertie reached his hand across to Harry, tapped him on the arm and said, "You know, Harry, one of these days they're gonna scream too late, and we'll crash, and we'll all be killed!"

[dailey]

Originally Posted by Pfaffenhoffen

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried
piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered
up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and
help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the
well.

At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then,
to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the
farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw.
With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something
amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal,
he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over
the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to
getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone.
We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up!
Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less

I love this one!

[Pfaffenhoffen]