Coffee (Clean Joke)

[Pfaffenhoffen]

he latest poll taken by the office of the Governor of Texas asked whether people who live in Texas think illegal immigration is a serious problem:

30% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."

70% of respondents answered: "No es una problema serio. "

[EricFilmer]

One night in the Garden of Eden Adam came home rather late, and Eve accused him of being out with another woman. Adam insisted, "Why dear, there can't be any other woman." Nevertheless, after Adam had fallen asleep, Eve carefully counted his ribs.

[Pfaffenhoffen]

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, sir," the clerk replied.

"That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

[Pfaffenhoffen]

[Pfaffenhoffen]

You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit
embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner.

So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she
asked him if there was any way that they could make it
appear that they had been married a long time.

He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

Received from Clean-Laffs.

[Pfaffenhoffen]

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime



SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.



GENERAL EQUATIONS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.




LONGEVITY STATISTICS

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.



PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.



DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING
MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me
in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to
them at funerals.

[Pfaffenhoffen]

After eight days of backpacking with my wife,
we were looking pretty scruffy. One morning
she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her
shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles.

"Darling," she said, "does my hair make me
look like a water buffalo?"

I thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you
the truth, do you promise not to charge?"

[EricFilmer]

Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

[Pfaffenhoffen]

It was a really hot day at the office due to a malfunction
with the air conditioning system. There were about twenty
people in close quarters and everyone was sweating, even
with a fan on.

All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an
odor passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell
anyone had ever smelled.

One man, popping his head out of his cubicle, said, "Oh,
man! Someone's deodorant isn't working."

A man in the corner replied, "It can't be me. I'm not
wearing any."

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

[Pfaffenhoffen]

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What
setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

[Pfaffenhoffen]

One day, an extremely rich business man decides that the time has come to indulge himself. He has been working hard and making money all his life, and he rarely spends any of it on himself. So he goes out and buys the world's fastest commercial vehicle: the all-custom 2001 Chevrolet Zoom. This puppy can hit 350 mph on a straightaway and has all the trimmings. Leather, CD, Sunroof, GPS, everything. It cost him a cool million.

He decides to take it for an afternoon spin. He's just cruising around town with one arm out the window, having the time of his life, when he gets to a red light. He pulls up next to an old guy on a little moped who is already waiting at the light.

"Now THAT'S a car," the old guy says with awe. "What on earth did that cost you?"

"Three million," the rich guy proclaimed. "And that was a steal. This here is the world's fastest commercial vehicle."

"You're kidding!" the old guy scoffed. "How fast?"

"350."

The old guy's jaw dropped. "Hey, do you mind if I take a look around inside real quick?"

"Not at all," the rich guy said.

The old guy leans way over and sticks his head in the window. After looking around for a few seconds, he sits back down on his moped. "That's a fine car," he said, nodding his head.

Just then, the stoplight turned to green, and the rich guy decided to show this old man what his car is really capable of. He floors it out of the intersection, and in a few seconds he is happily cruising along at 350 mph.

He happens to glance in his rearview mirror, and notices to his dismay a speck on the horizon that seems to be getting closer. Sure enough, the speck comes closer and closer until WHOOSH! it passes him. The rich guy just can't figure out what's going on here, so he pulls over. He sees the speck again on the horizon in front of him coming back towards him, and sure enough, WHOOSH! it passes him again. This time, though, he was prepared and got a better look at it. He could have sworn that he saw the old guy on the moped. "But that's impossible," he thought to himself.

Once again, the thing was coming back at the rear of his car, only this time it looked like it was going to hit. And hit it did. There was a loud crash as the thing slammed into the back of the Chevy Zoom.

The rich guy jumps out of the car and runs around to the back, where the old guy is dying on the road, pieces of his moped scattered around him.

"Oh, my God!" the rich guy said, horrified. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes," the old man responded feebly. "Before I die, I want you to unhook my suspenders from your side mirror."

[Pfaffenhoffen]

Grandma's Revenge
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his
grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and
headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm
surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water
guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."

[Lost_Sheep]

A tough old cowboy from south Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously to the age of 103 when she died.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 50-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

[MLP67]

Originally Posted by Pfaffenhoffen

After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became
suspicious. "You're running around with another woman...
admit it!" she demanded.

"What other woman?" Adam shot back. "You're it!"

That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awakened by Eve
poking him in the chest. "What are you doing?"

"Counting your ribs."

Haha love it!!

[EricFilmer]

Student: “Would I get in trouble for something I didn't do?”

Teacher: “Of course not.”

Student: “Good, because I didn't do my homework.”