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  #46  
Old Jan 13, '12, 4:37 am
Cat Cat is offline
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Default Re: Teen Premarital Sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlueEyedLady View Post
In all fairness I wouldn't let my child be around people who are openly against not only me but my marriage. How could I trust someone like that not to try and turn my child against me or speak ill of me or my marriage? Why would I trust someone to be good with my child when they never showed me any kindness?
The OPs son is not a child.

I think it's important for parents to expose their children, while they are young, to people who are not in agreement with the Church and the family values. These should be teaching opportunities--the parents should help the child to realize that other people can be attractive and interesting, have many good traits, and do good works, but be anti-Christ, anti-Church, and/or anti-family. And most importantly, they should help the child to learn to interact with such people and even be friends with them, without compromising their Church and their family values.

This is hard enough for adults to do! How many of you have "non-Christian" friends that you spend a lot of time with? I don't have a lot of such friends, although in my work, I interact with lots of people who are in disagreement with me over many issues and values. But for the most part, even my friends at the ice skating rink tend to share a lot of my values and my Christian faith, although in the last ten years, the sport has become more diverse, and we are even seeing Muslim children (the girls wearing their head-coverings) out on the ice--cool! (I would love to think that ice skating and other sports might be a means to make peace with Muslim countries.)

But it's really hard to help children and teenagers, who tend to perceive the world in "black and white," or "right and wrong." to strike a balance between communication and understanding vs. caving in to the ideologies and teachings of everyone who comes into their lives.

I think that when parents raise their child to be "wise as serpents and gentle as doves," it provides the child with "armor" to resist the pull away from the Church and Christian morals.

However, we all need to keep in mind that grim statistic--90% of Catholics enter marriage as non-virgins, and 80% of Protestants enter marriage as non-virgins. That's a lot of people rejecting the clear teachings of Christianity. Surely not all of these parents "fail." I think we just underestimate the incredible allure of sex, and the constant sexualization of everyone in our society. We can't react to this by hiding in fortresses--even in Amish communities, there are problems with sexual sins, so fortressing doesn't work. I'm not sure what the solution is.

But I do know that as parents, we need to be quick to forgive the adult sins of our sons and daughters. Tough to do. Time outs and spankings can't help here.
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  #47  
Old Jan 13, '12, 6:45 am
ArkansasMom ArkansasMom is offline
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Default Re: Teen Premarital Sex

Yep, I agree with both of you! My first reaction is to pull him away from her. We tried that and the backlash was unbelievable, almost frenzied! On the other hand if (when) this does end, he will have learned so much, and hopefully he can come out stronger.

Last night I spoke with him about some of the paternity/birth control as abortifactant/teen pregnancy factors. I told him that I was angry that he was treating her with such disrespect. He got really mad at me and said, "Don't you ever say I'm disrespecting her!" I told him he was by asking her to give herself physically to him when they were not married and hardly new each other. That she has already been used by so many man already, that asking her to be physical is just reinforcing that she is his 'tool,' not a woman that he respects and holds in esteem. He was enraged and I knew, in part, that I am right, even if he can't see it. I asked him how he could make a clear distinction between the feelings of 'love' he thinks he has for her and his feelings of physical desire? He couldn't answer me.

In the end, he blamed me for trying to break them up. We asked him not to see her again until they have both been tested for STDs and until he has spoken with an individual who has information about this girl's involvement in bisexuality and some other heterosexual relationships that we were told happened while she was dating him. He will not believe any of it. He thinks everyone wants to break them up.

My husband and I are speaking to him about all of this tonight. We have made some firm decisions about our own morality and what we will/will not tolerate in exchange for providing him with a home/food/insurance, etc. We have just reached the end of how much we are willing to tolerate in the course of our home, our marriage and raising other children. It has been three months of an emotional, spiritual, physical roller coaster for us, too . . . and we have decided that the ride is over for us.

In the meantime, DS told me last night that he believes that he has found the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with. He truly believes that they are in love and will eventually marry.

(sigh)
  #48  
Old Jan 13, '12, 7:02 am
TheRealJuliane TheRealJuliane is offline
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Default Re: Teen Premarital Sex

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Originally Posted by ArkansasMom View Post
Yes, I agree, we do want so much more for our children. And I agree that he needs to stop talking to his sister. She has already been through too much with all of this. That will be a major emphasis of our conversation with him.

On another note, I spoke with a mom tonight whose son met his wife at the age of 17-18. My friend and her DH didn't approve because the girl wasn't a Christian and because the couple wanted to live together very soon after meeting. The moved in together anyway, the girl got pregnant, my friend's DS and the girl married, and in the past 18 months, they have only seen their grandchild two times. The daughter-in-law is punishing them for not accepting her.

We can't violate our own morals, but what a heartbreak this situation could end up being!
Don't borrow trouble. I have also heard of people who got married very young, some with children on the way, and who stayed married for decades. It happens. Just take it one day at a time, let go and let God.
  #49  
Old Jan 13, '12, 7:15 am
TheRealJuliane TheRealJuliane is offline
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Default Re: Teen Premarital Sex

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Originally Posted by ArkansasMom View Post
Yep, I agree with both of you! My first reaction is to pull him away from her. We tried that and the backlash was unbelievable, almost frenzied! On the other hand if (when) this does end, he will have learned so much, and hopefully he can come out stronger.

Last night I spoke with him about some of the paternity/birth control as abortifactant/teen pregnancy factors. I told him that I was angry that he was treating her with such disrespect. He got really mad at me and said, "Don't you ever say I'm disrespecting her!" I told him he was by asking her to give herself physically to him when they were not married and hardly new each other. That she has already been used by so many man already, that asking her to be physical is just reinforcing that she is his 'tool,' not a woman that he respects and holds in esteem. He was enraged and I knew, in part, that I am right, even if he can't see it. I asked him how he could make a clear distinction between the feelings of 'love' he thinks he has for her and his feelings of physical desire? He couldn't answer me.

In the end, he blamed me for trying to break them up. We asked him not to see her again until they have both been tested for STDs and until he has spoken with an individual who has information about this girl's involvement in bisexuality and some other heterosexual relationships that we were told happened while she was dating him. He will not believe any of it. He thinks everyone wants to break them up.

My husband and I are speaking to him about all of this tonight. We have made some firm decisions about our own morality and what we will/will not tolerate in exchange for providing him with a home/food/insurance, etc. We have just reached the end of how much we are willing to tolerate in the course of our home, our marriage and raising other children. It has been three months of an emotional, spiritual, physical roller coaster for us, too . . . and we have decided that the ride is over for us.

In the meantime, DS told me last night that he believes that he has found the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with. He truly believes that they are in love and will eventually marry.

(sigh)
That is the hypnosis of sex. My son did all of that as well. I was the enemy, I didn't understand, I hated her for no reason, etc. etc. etc. It was Romeo and Juliet all the way. Before you blame yourself, they are primed to start that stuff because it makes the sex EVEN BETTER if it's illicit. So very very strong feelings of "us against the world" will just pull them together more strongly. We parents are really "damned if we do, damned if we don't."

You can set boundaries for what you will and won't tolerate. You can give him ultimatums. Be sure you mean EVERYTHING you say. Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean.

A famous radio talk show host says, "You have to hand them the pink slip on their lives." (pink slip being a car registration.) That means if they start acting like they want all the responsibilities of being an adult, you have to honor that and let them go. Have them both over for dinner once a week if you can be nice. Don't do laundry, don't give them money, be nice, be polite, be friendly and empathetic, but treat them basically as you would friends of the same age as you are. You wouldn't offer to bail your own friends out of a jam they got themselves into, although you might offer a meal or a ride somewhere from time to time. You have to honor your son's decisions even though you know a lot more about what can happen than he does.

And none of that might happen. They could break up today, or tomorrow. Keep hope, keep an open mind, try not to let bitterness creep into your heart. I know this is all highly distressing, believe me. We went through it for nearly 4 years with our son. Not just this girl, that was only the final straw. If he started up again, he would have to leave the house. I could not go through it again, nor would I. Thank God, he saw that we were right all along when she broke up with him and he was hurt so badly. He has gradually come back to being the son we had years ago. He's earning our trust back over time. He's not perfect - he will still lie for no reason - but he's 100% better than he was. There is always hope. Don't give up. At least your husband backs you up - mine was not always on my side.
  #50  
Old Jan 13, '12, 7:28 am
ArkansasMom ArkansasMom is offline
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Default Re: Teen Premarital Sex

Wow, I don't know how you did it for four years. We're entering our 4th month and I'm already exhausted by it! I have my first real section of grey hair coming in and I have lost 10 lbs. in the past month over this.

I think the hardest part was losing the closeness in our relationship with our son. Until this all started, we were super close and he was 100% honest with us about everything. He had just had a sweet, pure girlfriend and he'd ask me how to have their first kiss, how to tell her he loved her for the first time. Then, within a month after this pure, Godly, Catholic girl broke up with him, he started this relationship. He became, dark, surly, rebellious, angry, lying, within the first 24 hours of deciding he wanted to date this new girl. Dr. Jekyl, Mr. Hyde. We thought perhaps he had started using drugs, alcohol, or had symptoms of being bi-polar. In the snap of fingers, he became a different person.

My husband travels a lot and it just settling down to a regular 'home' schedule. He has been focusing on what has been happening much more, and he's starting to see it more clearly. Everything that comes out of our DS's mouth is a lie, and now we have the GF starting to say things to our DD about us. Intolerable. We are just really over it and ready to have our own life again. If this is what he chooses, that's up to him . . . but we aren't going to contribute to it anymore. It's almost as much of a desire for peace on our part as it is a desire for his girl on his. We are just at our limit. It's time for the roller coaster to end. No more compromises on our part. He is free to choose who he wants in his life and we, like you all, have to choose what we will allow to influence our lives and our other children. It breaks our heart to see it, but we both have to choose what is best for our lives.

Boy, was it easier when we could just say, "No, we don't think you should be around him/her because of their bad influence."
  #51  
Old Jan 14, '12, 9:24 am
BlueEyedLady BlueEyedLady is offline
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Default Re: Teen Premarital Sex

I think that there is a tendency amongst mothers to view their sons as innocent victims of a vixen's raging sexuality. (Just as fathers insist that their daughters were taken advantage of, because they would never choose to have sex on their own). The thing is, your innocent and religious son was not kidnapped and forced in to this. He got involved with her for a reason, and knowing her sexual views and actions.

You have to stop blaming her. It will only cause pain and distress for all three of you. And if somehow they do end up together you could permanently damage your relationship with your son. You need to find out why HE mad this choice, and how HE feels about his actions and sex in general. Only then can you figure out where to go from here. But a pretty face did not do this.
  #52  
Old Jan 14, '12, 9:42 am
TheRealJuliane TheRealJuliane is offline
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Default Re: Teen Premarital Sex

No one is saying that the young men are innocent in this. But neither are the young women. These days girls are WAY more sexually aggressive - they can easily surpass anything the boys imagine. It is not me as a mother saying this - In fact, the opposite. I felt worse for the girl, felt my son was taking advantage of her. But I have heard from several people, one a very popular abstinence educator, that girls are unashamedly aggressive these days. This girl drove to our house in the middle of the night and picked our son up so they could go and make an attempt at sex in her car. She pursued him the whole time, she bought him presents and she broke up with him when he tried to set a boundary. The roles were reversed, and she knew he was dependent upon her.

I was not fooling myself - I knew it takes 2 to tango and that my son was not being raped. But some of these girls are almost amoral when it comes to sex.
  #53  
Old Jan 14, '12, 10:57 am
Cat Cat is offline
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Default Re: Teen Premarital Sex

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Originally Posted by BlueEyedLady View Post
I think that there is a tendency amongst mothers to view their sons as innocent victims of a vixen's raging sexuality. (Just as fathers insist that their daughters were taken advantage of, because they would never choose to have sex on their own). The thing is, your innocent and religious son was not kidnapped and forced in to this. He got involved with her for a reason, and knowing her sexual views and actions.

You have to stop blaming her. It will only cause pain and distress for all three of you. And if somehow they do end up together you could permanently damage your relationship with your son. You need to find out why HE mad this choice, and how HE feels about his actions and sex in general. Only then can you figure out where to go from here. But a pretty face did not do this.
I think there is good advice in this. I think that when it comes to sex, unless we are literally being forced (rape), then the responsibility always, always rests with us. In most situations, we can say no and walk away.

I have to admit that I believe that since men are the stronger sex (that's in the Bible), I think that it is a man's responsibility to resist, no matter how a woman tempts him. I still think that Pres. Clinton was more to blame than Monica Lewinsky.

I certainly agree that many young women are very loose and have been brainwashed by all the garbage on TV that shows women having sex with partner after partner with little negative consequences. I agree that many young women are virtually amoral when it comes to sex; sex has become just a physical "itch" that needs scratching.

But I also think that many young women have a very poor understanding of male sexuality, and they aren't prepared for how quickly a young man (or even an older man) can get aroused and ready to go.

Women, even young women, are "slow burners," meaning that it takes around 20 minutes for them to be ready to have sex. But men can just think "sex," and be erect and ready. I don't think a lot of young women realize this, so they flirt or wear something provocative or tease, and tehy assume that the young man will be slow and steady and willing to just "snuggle," just like a girl.

And then they discover that the guy is ready, able, and very willing! I'm guessing that many young women just kind of get swept up into something that perhaps they really didn't think would happen so quickly.

And of course, they're flattered and thrilled that the young man got aroused so quickly, and they honestly believe that it's because the man loves them. They don't realize that the young man would be aroused by a older model wearing a bra and panties in a Sears catalog! Or in many cases, a man can be aroused by the sight of a bra and panties, even if there is no woman! Men are pretty much aroused by almost anything. And they don't need to be "in love" to be aroused and ready for sex. It's the way God made them, so we can't be calling them "pigs" or anything.
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  #54  
Old Jan 14, '12, 11:46 am
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Luna Lovecraft Luna Lovecraft is offline
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Thumbs up Re: Teen Premarital Sex

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No matter how "good" and "religious" your children are while they are growing up, their faith is not truly theirs until they have grown up and left the home and are living on their own. Until then, they are basically mirroring their parents' faith, and doing all the religious things because they bring about a "reward", mainly parental approval, as well as approval from their extended family and friends.

This is a hard fact for parents to accept. We want so much to believe that our little child or our teenager is truly devout.

I'm NOT saying that it is a bad thing for children to mirror their parents' faith. Of course not! We as parents must train our children, and the best way to do that is to live out our faith and ask them to imitate us. That's how we teach them to make their beds or wash their ears, and that's how we teach them to pray, go to church, read the Bible and other spiritual books, etc.

But we have to accept that until they are fully grown, they are imitating us. No matter how devout and spiritually-mature they sound or act, they are not. They are children. Their faith is (usually) un-tested.

Obviously there are exceptions. Many of the saints were truly faith-filled as children. And there are children who do face immense trials and suffering, and truly learn to rely on Jesus to see them through.

But most of us do what our parents want us to do, and most of us really don't have a real faith of our own until we are actually out on our own and facing life without Mom and Dad.

That's when we face a "faith crisis." We have to decide if we really, truly believe in those things that we have learned all our life from Mom and Dad.

And as all of you know, tragically, many people choose to stop believing, or at least stop practicing their faith, once they grow up and are living on their own.
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Life's most persistent and urgent question is, 'What are you doing for others?' ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
  #55  
Old Jan 15, '12, 9:00 am
ArkansasMom ArkansasMom is offline
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Default Re: Teen Premarital Sex

Okay, so the talk Friday night never happened. He took off after his Dr. app't. (by law, I can't know if he was tested for STDs or vaccnated but I had him in the office, none the less), even though we asked him to stay and talk to us. (Found out ater he packed his clothes to be gone two nights, his work uniform, and his computer. He stayed FRI night at his GF (who made an excuse to her mom for why he had to stay), then he stayed last night at a friend's house. He was supposed to meet my husband at church this a.m. and didn't show. He is supposed to come home tonight . . . wouldn't count on it. (School is off tomorrow.)

Fri. nght my DH had a long talk with the GFs mom, and we all got on the same page. She made him leave Sat. night, said they are not living together under her roof.

Okay, here's the kicker. They went to a movie w/a male friend FRI night and after midnight, sent me a text w/my DS w/this guy and a message that said my DS has found his 'sexual orientation' w/the help of this GF. All day SAT I texted back and forth w/my son as he shared that he thinks he might also like guys. He sad he stayed at his 'boyfriend's' house FRI night . . . the GFs mom said he stayed at her house. (He took off w/out our car and she didn't want her DD to drive late to bring him home. We sat 5 minutes from the house and told him we could pick him up. If he didn't come home with us, he'd lose permanent rights to the car . . . he refused to come home with us!) Anyway, he texted me all day about his possible 'bi' feelings. I think it was all a joke, but he's so messed up right now, I don't know what to think.

We are just sick. My DH and I have been establishing our own house rules and we are prepared to release him to leave. We aren't forcing him out, but we can't take any of this game anymore. We are spending the day making our list of house rules, what we will/will not pay for, disciplines for behaviors/actions, etc.

My husband is ready to draw a hard line. His travel schedule is picking up again and I will be left here to deal with this alone, and it is way too stressful.
  #56  
Old Jan 15, '12, 1:47 pm
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Default Re: Teen Premarital Sex

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Okay, so the talk Friday night never happened. He took off after his Dr. app't. (by law, I can't know if he was tested for STDs or vaccnated but I had him in the office, none the less), even though we asked him to stay and talk to us. (Found out ater he packed his clothes to be gone two nights, his work uniform, and his computer. He stayed FRI night at his GF (who made an excuse to her mom for why he had to stay), then he stayed last night at a friend's house. He was supposed to meet my husband at church this a.m. and didn't show. He is supposed to come home tonight . . . wouldn't count on it. (School is off tomorrow.)

Fri. nght my DH had a long talk with the GFs mom, and we all got on the same page. She made him leave Sat. night, said they are not living together under her roof.

Okay, here's the kicker. They went to a movie w/a male friend FRI night and after midnight, sent me a text w/my DS w/this guy and a message that said my DS has found his 'sexual orientation' w/the help of this GF. All day SAT I texted back and forth w/my son as he shared that he thinks he might also like guys. He sad he stayed at his 'boyfriend's' house FRI night . . . the GFs mom said he stayed at her house. (He took off w/out our car and she didn't want her DD to drive late to bring him home. We sat 5 minutes from the house and told him we could pick him up. If he didn't come home with us, he'd lose permanent rights to the car . . . he refused to come home with us!) Anyway, he texted me all day about his possible 'bi' feelings. I think it was all a joke, but he's so messed up right now, I don't know what to think.

We are just sick. My DH and I have been establishing our own house rules and we are prepared to release him to leave. We aren't forcing him out, but we can't take any of this game anymore. We are spending the day making our list of house rules, what we will/will not pay for, disciplines for behaviors/actions, etc.

My husband is ready to draw a hard line. His travel schedule is picking up again and I will be left here to deal with this alone, and it is way too stressful.
I'm so sorry all this is happening to you. My heart aches--it just seems like so much.

And yet, where there's life, there's hope.

I think that you and your husband sound like you have the right idea--allowing him to go out on his own. Your husband is right to draw a hard line. You have other children to care for. Your son is a man now.

I'm going to throw this idea out and hope that it isn't the case. But since I have a friend who is schizophrenic, I though it might be worth asking--is there any chance that your son is starting to manifest some symptoms of a mental illness? Many times, schizophrenia "starts" when a person is in their late teens/early 20s. (That's how it was with my friend.)

It just seems like all of this has happened so quickly, especially the questioning of his sexual orientation. It's as if he's falling apart. That can mean drugs, But it can also mean mental illness.

Like I said, I really do hope I'm wrong on this.

Also, do you have female friends that you can lean on? What you're going through right now is really tough, and it would be nice to have a couple of pals to share and cry with.

Godspeed to you and your family, including your son.
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  #57  
Old Jan 15, '12, 2:01 pm
TheRealJuliane TheRealJuliane is offline
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Default Re: Teen Premarital Sex

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Originally Posted by ArkansasMom View Post
Okay, so the talk Friday night never happened. He took off after his Dr. app't. (by law, I can't know if he was tested for STDs or vaccnated but I had him in the office, none the less), even though we asked him to stay and talk to us. (Found out ater he packed his clothes to be gone two nights, his work uniform, and his computer. He stayed FRI night at his GF (who made an excuse to her mom for why he had to stay), then he stayed last night at a friend's house. He was supposed to meet my husband at church this a.m. and didn't show. He is supposed to come home tonight . . . wouldn't count on it. (School is off tomorrow.)

Fri. nght my DH had a long talk with the GFs mom, and we all got on the same page. She made him leave Sat. night, said they are not living together under her roof.

Okay, here's the kicker. They went to a movie w/a male friend FRI night and after midnight, sent me a text w/my DS w/this guy and a message that said my DS has found his 'sexual orientation' w/the help of this GF. All day SAT I texted back and forth w/my son as he shared that he thinks he might also like guys. He sad he stayed at his 'boyfriend's' house FRI night . . . the GFs mom said he stayed at her house. (He took off w/out our car and she didn't want her DD to drive late to bring him home. We sat 5 minutes from the house and told him we could pick him up. If he didn't come home with us, he'd lose permanent rights to the car . . . he refused to come home with us!) Anyway, he texted me all day about his possible 'bi' feelings. I think it was all a joke, but he's so messed up right now, I don't know what to think.

We are just sick. My DH and I have been establishing our own house rules and we are prepared to release him to leave. We aren't forcing him out, but we can't take any of this game anymore. We are spending the day making our list of house rules, what we will/will not pay for, disciplines for behaviors/actions, etc.

My husband is ready to draw a hard line. His travel schedule is picking up again and I will be left here to deal with this alone, and it is way too stressful.
It sounds to me like he is "yanking your chain," probably with the help of these friends and his GF. Why the repeated texts? They are probably having a good laugh at your expense. The reason I say this is that my son drove me to tears many times, tears that I could not force back, and after he had repented, he told me he KNEW he was making me cry and that he wanted to hurt me. At the time, I also knew he wanted to hurt me.

Stop answering your son's texts. Go on about your business as if he were a stranger (I know it's not easy.)

My husband made one of the best decisions of our lives as parents, the weekend after our son's then GF (not the one he had sex with) called Child Protective Services on us, and they came to the house and to his school to interview us to see if he was being abused. He used to run away and call her and tell her we were abusing him. Meanwhile, he was attending a very expensive Jesuit high school...of course, wealthy Catholics can be child abusers, but we weren't and aren't...Anyway, I think he was shocked when he got called out of class to talk to the case worker...He ran to his best friend's house after school.

I was going to call and get him home, but DH said, "No, we're going on a weekend trip. Call him and let him know, he can come if he wants, and make sure it's OK with the friend's mom for him to stay." So, even though I was still upset, angry, in shock, etc. I did just that. I kept my tone neutral, called the mom, made sure it was OK for him to stay until Sunday, called our son, told him we were going away with his older brother and asked if he'd like to come along. He refused. We left.

We actually had a good time without him. He was beyond difficult at that point and ruined many occasions, so being away from his behavior was a relief. We had some laughs with our older son and truthfully, the fact that my son had reported us or his GF had reported us to CPS kind of faded into the background. We picked him up on Sunday afternoon and we all went home, and we talked about the fun we'd had instead of me crying and carrying on as I would have all weekend.

My husband said this. "He's used his 'nuclear option,' now he has no more weapons left. We have to play the game as if he did NOTHING, because in reality, he did do NOTHING." What a sensible man he was at that moment.



After this latest prank of your son's, I'd probably go ahead and boot him out the door. But if you give him conditions, make sure you stay neutral, even kind to him, and cry after he is gone. If you allow him to stay, you have to make sure you have a line in the sand beyond which he will not go. Let his dad deal with him most of the time. And cry when he is not around.
  #58  
Old Jan 15, '12, 4:58 pm
ArkansasMom ArkansasMom is offline
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Default Re: Teen Premarital Sex

I wish you all could see the terrible torture device we have made for our son. It is six sheets of large paper on one of those big poster-sized display boards . . . assuming he comes home at some point, we are going to go through it with him. If not, he'll move out.

We are telling him that we realize that he hates living with us and wants to leave. He wants the comforts of home with the freedom to roam, and he can't have both. One one sheet, we listed all of the 'House Rules' as if he is a boarder residing in our home, with some of our own value system sprinkled in. No going away overnight to the GF house. Weeknight/weekend curfews, no going out on a school night unless to work or a school activity, no lying, attending church 1x a week, etc.

On another, we listed the values we expect him to uphold in our home: Chistian language/media, no talking to siblings about sexual activity, accepting financial/physical responsibility for his sexual activity and keeping it out of our home, attending church weekly.

On another, we listed the discipline for his behavior this weekend, which includes indefinite loss of use of our vehicle to get to school, work, etc. The school bus comes to our driveway, we arrange service. We are not grounding him because it just isn't working, but he will have to follow the House Rules and has to arrange his own ride to/from work. I am available for taxi service for a rate of $8.00 a hour. (We live 30 minutes from his job.)

We listed all of the costs that we cover for him at home and made a comparison sheet of what we will cover if he stays at home until he leaves for college (most living expenses covered except gas, cell phone texting, entertainment, clothes), vs. what we cover if he moves out (nothing, but we will help him move). We listed what we will cover of his college expenses if he remains at home vs. if he moves out on his own and is no longer our dependent. We even listed the furniture that he can take with him if he goes (note that we did not include a bed . . . for obvious reasons.)

My husband said that if he breaks ONE house rule, he has 30 days to find an alternate living arrangement, although he is welcome to leave at any time of his own volition. His grandma promised to buy him a used car when he graduates from HS, so it will be interesting to see what he decides to do. If he doesn't graduate, he will lost over $50,000 in scholarship money.

Do you guys want to place bets on what his decision will be?

This entire day was spent organizing this . . . at the very least, we are on the same page and we are releasing him to leave without any anger (and no 'yahoos,' I promise) on our part, just an understanding that he reeeeaaaallllyyyy needs his freedom. We are offering dinner/visiting once a week (sound familiar?) and will not hold it against him that he chooses what he does. He's clearly not happy here . . . and, thankfully his GFs mom doesn't want him there.

I am not ready for my son to go, but, frankly . . . his priorities have changed and simply does not include my DH and me. (He adores his sister and loves his brother.) I am at peace with this . . . I think. Okay, yes, I am afraid that he will mess it up. I'm afraid he won't be able to make it work, and I'm afraid his GF will get pregnant. But we can't have him leaving every weekend and he's badmouthing us so much that it has just been hurting so much. The friends we've discussed this with who have older children completely understand, but (believe it or not) we're really private and just don't share it all like I have here. He's always been a good kid and I don't want to hurt his reputation in our little town. You know what gossip mills they are and I can't help but home he'll get over this and come back to his senses.

Your support means so much . . . do most people have such long-running posts?
  #59  
Old Jan 15, '12, 5:44 pm
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monicatholic monicatholic is offline
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Default Re: Teen Premarital Sex

I absolutely support your decision. You've gotten good advice about what to do.

And I thank God you and your husband are like minded in this.

After walking faaaaaaaar too many miles in your moccasins, here's what I'm thinking:

1. You answer to God. Funding another persons lifestyle of mortal sin is a sin. Good on ye. You tried reform. It didnt 'work'. Now you must release. Praise God. You know this.

2. You'll probably not have the torture devise discussion with Son. He's probably mostly gone.


3. Pray for girl. You're left with that responsibility now that youve tangled with this wrecked young woman-- even if she's helping to wreck your son. You gotta pray for her. Who else kows the desperate effects her choices have? You know what an objectively sinful life will do to her. Pray for her.

4. You'll ask yourself 'where did we go wrong?' If you're honest you'll have a list 20 items long. But God always knew our weaknesses and failures. His grace makes up the vast difference. Count on it. But from here out, you know: you choose what's good, you live your faith NOT so your kids 'turn out good' but because it pleases God. THAT makes all the difference for us.

(From mom of ten, 23 year homeschooling veteran, mom of adults who've ransacked me emotionally.)
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  #60  
Old Jan 15, '12, 5:55 pm
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monicatholic monicatholic is offline
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Default Re: Teen Premarital Sex

One other thing--- welcome to the paradox of peace and pain. Our especially wayward son has taught me unprecedented pain, but taking that to the Blessed Sacrament has given my peace that surpasses understanding.

A long time ago I made a request of the Lord-- that he should consider every one of my tears as a separate prayer for my son. That way, Im praying a LOT!!

God loves your son more than you ever could. This collapse is a big surprise to you but not to God. Give him to God. At every consecration I say "Father in heaven, the priest offers you the body of your Innocent Son. On this altar, I likewise place the bodies of my guilty sons. And guilty me. Will you receive us all?"

He always does.
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