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  #1  
Old Jan 21, '12, 7:09 pm
texasmavs1985 texasmavs1985 is offline
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Default Parent/Adult Child relations

Good evening. I am writing this with a question in relation to parents and adult children. I am in my mid 20's, recently graduated from college (may 2009) single and still living at home due to being unemployed (or lack of a good full time position) over the past couple of years.

The issue that I am facing is that my father believes he has some right to tell me what I can and cannot do (which to a degree I can understand and agree with),but to the degree that he thinks he can tell me where I should and should not work, who I should associate myself with, what places I should and should not go to and what I should believe and not believe in (such as politics and religion). I understand that going to certain places such as night clubs/bars can lead to negative consequences but as a human who fully understands right from wrong I think he shouldn't have to tell me what my boundaries are for living. Basically he treats me like I'm like 10 or something like that. He, along with the rest of my family has been raised in the Church of Christ and I recently changed to Catholicism due to differences of beliefs. On top of that he's been trying to tell me to go back to the Church he attends simply because there's some lady whose single and he wants me to go out with her. I keep telling him I'm not changing my faith for a relationship with another person. I've told him that I do eventually want to get married but I'm not going to be forced into a relationship I don't want to get into.

For several years I have been trying to tell him that he needs to understand that I am now an adult and I should be allowed to to things as an adult. He knows I'm not going to smoke or do drugs, drink alcohol or screw around with random women all the time because we know people who has gotten into situations either in regards to their health, with the law or in with relations with other people. I have been trying to tell him that what he's doing is basically ruining my relationship with the family. Yet for some crazy reason he always gives me this "my house my rules" thing. I do eventually want to move out of the house but every time I discuss that matter they tell me that if I move out then they have absolutely nothing to do with me. Its almost like I either do things their way or I'm dead (figuratively speaking). What should I do?
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  #2  
Old Jan 21, '12, 7:44 pm
Cat Cat is offline
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Default Re: Parent/Adult Child relations

I think you should move out and act like the adult that you are. Mid twenties--you're a grown up.

No wonder your dad still treats you like a child. You are still living at home, just like you have since you were born. He sees you as the same child you have always been.

And of course your father has the right to set "house rules." He would do the same for anyone who lived in his house. It's his house, right? Is he providing for your other needs besides shelter? Are your parents feeding you? Paying your utilities (electricity, heat, water)? Are they paying for your gas or other car expenses? Are you watching their television? Working on their computer? Storing your stuff on their property?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you are essentially still a child, or at least acting like a child, a dependent child, and your father rightfully feels that he must treat you like a child and tell you what to do and who to do it with.

So act like an adult and take control of your life.

If you can't get a full time position, then work at several part-time positions to earn enough money to proide for yourself, and live very simply, with no luxuries. (Hope you like Ramen noodles--the staple food of young adults living on their own!)

I hope that you own your own car at least--many high school students buy and pay for their own car by working at McDonald's. If you don't own a car, hopefully you live in a city where you can use public transportion, or live in a city warm enough to bike or walk to your various jobs.

While you are working at part time jobs, keep applying for full-time positions in the area that you majored in, and hopefully, you will eventually land a good full-time position that pays a really great salary. But don't wait until you find that perfect job to move away from your parents. Move out now.

You probably won't be able to afford a place by yourself, so find yourself some roommates, just like lots of men (and women) have done through the decades. Usually when three or four guys all chip in, they are able to afford an apartment or a rental house. If you don't have a lot of money to chip in, you might get stuck in the smallest bedroom, or in the basement, or even end up in a corner of the living room with a curtain between you and the rest of the apartment.

But you will be on your own, living as an adult, no longer under the authority of your parents. And you can live your own life, make your own decisions, and do what you want to do with whoever you want to do it with.

I don't believe that your parents will break off all contact with you if you move out. Parents expect their children to grow up and move out. They may experience the empty-nest, and be mad at you for making them face that fact that they are now getting older. But if they have loved you all of your life, they won't stop loving you because you do what all humans do--grow up. They'll eventually recognize that you are an adult man.

I think what they meant when they said that they will have nothing to do with you is that if you move out, they will not provide for you anymore, or pay your bills, give you money, buy your gas, or bail you out of emergency expenses. And that's good and right. If you move out, but your parents are still paying for your expenses, then you're not really a grown up, and you're being a dreadful financial drain on them, and I don't blame them for not wanting to get into that burdensome situation.

Good luck to you. I know you can do this.
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  #3  
Old Jan 21, '12, 8:06 pm
cmscms cmscms is offline
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Default Re: Parent/Adult Child relations

Quote:
Originally Posted by texasmavs1985 View Post
Yet for some crazy reason he always gives me this "my house my rules" thing.
There is NOTHING crazy about that !!!! How can you expect a free ride in life???????

If your parents really do cut you off because you have moved out, my heart will bleed for you but it also indicates you are obviously in a bad situation and should leave ASAP. I can understand financial strain and needing to live at home. You need to pray to God for strenght until your financial situation improves

CM
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  #4  
Old Jan 21, '12, 8:48 pm
SaintPatrick333 SaintPatrick333 is offline
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Default Re: Parent/Adult Child relations

lol I don't understand the two responses here. I'm 23 and living at home. I work for a retail outlet (target) and they schedule me 12 hours a week. Yes you read that correctly, 12. Sometimes I'm lucky and get a few more hours, but 12 is average. I have to completely mooch off my parents because with 12 hours I can't afford school, I can't afford a ****** apartment, if my parents kicked me out I'd be homeless. Fortunately I have a good relationship with my parents (now anyways) and so it's not much of a hindrance. But the economy is still garbage around here and the only jobs that are available are for those with prior experience or a degree, neither of which I have. How am I expected to be an "adult" and just magically move out on 12 hours a week at just above minimum wage? If you can find me a place to live and groceries cheap enough to buy that I could "exist" at best, on 12 hours a week, then I'm all ears. If not, I would suggest you people be a little less condescending and a little more compassionate.
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  #5  
Old Jan 21, '12, 9:01 pm
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SummerSmiles SummerSmiles is offline
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Default Re: Parent/Adult Child relations

It can be a tricky situation, going from a child to an adult. Some parents and adult children do have trouble adjusting.

That being said, you are still living at home, so your dad does have every right to set his own "house rules." Are you paying any sort of rent to them? Or utilities? Are you using their car or do you own your own vehicle and pay your own insurance on it? If your parents are paying for these things, then they will still have more say on what is or is not acceptable behavior while you are living with them. You are behaving like a dependent child (they are paying for your necessities) so they have some rights to treat you as such. If you don't like their rules, you can move out.

If, however, you're paying rent, your portion of the utilities, your own transportation costs, etc. then they should have less control over your personal time, within reason. You'd be functioning more like a tenant under those circumstances. They could still require that you keep to certain things like "quiet hours," and that you clean up your own mess in the kitchen, for example.

I understand the difficulty with finding a job sometimes. Sometimes it's just a necessary thing to have to live with the parents for a bit longer than you'd like to. But the more they pay for, the more rules they can set for you. You said that if you moved out that they told you they would have nothing to do with you anymore. That is probably a chance you will have to take. You're an adult, it's normal for adults to get jobs and get their own homes. Your parents should not hold that against you. Perhaps there is more to it than that? If there's not, then it doesn't sound like you're in a good situation to begin with, and I would suggest that you make a plan to move out and be independent ASAP.
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  #6  
Old Jan 21, '12, 9:05 pm
cmscms cmscms is offline
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Default Re: Parent/Adult Child relations

Quote:
Originally Posted by SaintPatrick333 View Post
lol I don't understand the two responses here. I'm 23 and living at home. I work for a retail outlet (target) and they schedule me 12 hours a week. Yes you read that correctly, 12. Sometimes I'm lucky and get a few more hours, but 12 is average. I have to completely mooch off my parents because with 12 hours I can't afford school, I can't afford a ****** apartment, if my parents kicked me out I'd be homeless. Fortunately I have a good relationship with my parents (now anyways) and so it's not much of a hindrance. But the economy is still garbage around here and the only jobs that are available are for those with prior experience or a degree, neither of which I have. How am I expected to be an "adult" and just magically move out on 12 hours a week at just above minimum wage? If you can find me a place to live and groceries cheap enough to buy that I could "exist" at best, on 12 hours a week, then I'm all ears. If not, I would suggest you people be a little less condescending and a little more compassionate.
I am NOT condescending. But the reality is I have compassion for parents just as much for adult children. I think it is great that your parents are supporting you. However, it does not change the fact it is your PARENT'S home and they make the rules. That is where I think the OP is wrong

The reality is in this economy even the highly educated are having trouble find jobs and when they apply for something where they are over qualified, they are over looked because the company thinks they will leave the second they find something better. Having a PHD is a disadvantage when applying for a job where it is not required.

Just curious, but if your parents all of a sudden had bad luck and lost their jobs (which could easiliy happen in this economy) who will they live with? They are expected to find their own rent money so why aren't younger people?
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  #7  
Old Jan 21, '12, 9:19 pm
Viki63 Viki63 is offline
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Default Re: Parent/Adult Child relations

Quote:
Originally Posted by texasmavs1985 View Post
. . . to the degree that he thinks he can tell me where I should and should not work, who I should associate myself with, what places I should and should not go to and what I should believe and not believe in (such as politics and religion). . ..he's been trying to tell me to go back to the Church he attends simply because there's some lady whose single and he wants me to go out with her.

For several years I have been trying to tell him that he needs to understand that I am now an adult and I should be allowed to to things as an adult. . .Yet for some crazy reason he always gives me this "my house my rules" thing.
Dear Texas,
I'm a parent of several grown children, so I can see from your father's point of view. It's hard for a parent to realize their child has become an adult. It's very tempting to want to continue the old, comfortable relationship, telling them what to do and doing whatever you need to, to enforce your rules.
Of course your father has the right to enforce the rules in his house, such as no drinking, inviting girls to stay the night, etc. But he doesn't have the right to tell you where to work, what to believe in, or how to worship. Some things are his problems, (such as leaving dishes in the sink for your parents to wash), some things are your problem (what you do with your spare time outside the house, where you choose to worship). But it's hard for us parents to tell the difference.
What I would do? Be continually respectful to him. Then do what you need to do. If he objects to something you do that has no effect on his wellbeing, say "I appreciate your concerns. I'll take them into consideration." If he orders you to do something you can't, such as change churches, say "I appreciate that you're concerned for my salvation." Don't argue. Be charitable. And move out as soon as you can swing it.
It's hard for us parents to adjust to new situations too. Just give us time.
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  #8  
Old Jan 21, '12, 9:21 pm
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SummerSmiles SummerSmiles is offline
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Default Re: Parent/Adult Child relations

Quote:
Originally Posted by SaintPatrick333 View Post
lol I don't understand the two responses here. I'm 23 and living at home. I work for a retail outlet (target) and they schedule me 12 hours a week. Yes you read that correctly, 12. Sometimes I'm lucky and get a few more hours, but 12 is average. I have to completely mooch off my parents because with 12 hours I can't afford school, I can't afford a ****** apartment, if my parents kicked me out I'd be homeless. Fortunately I have a good relationship with my parents (now anyways) and so it's not much of a hindrance. But the economy is still garbage around here and the only jobs that are available are for those with prior experience or a degree, neither of which I have. How am I expected to be an "adult" and just magically move out on 12 hours a week at just above minimum wage? If you can find me a place to live and groceries cheap enough to buy that I could "exist" at best, on 12 hours a week, then I'm all ears. If not, I would suggest you people be a little less condescending and a little more compassionate.
I don't think the other posters were trying to be condescending, just stating facts. If a parent is still paying for every expense of their adult child, then they still have the right to impose rules upon that adult child. It's wonderful that your parents have been generous enough to pay for your necessities. But that doesn't change the fact that you are an adult--look at it from an adult perspective. Responsibility and freedom go hand in hand. If you don't have the responsibility of paying rent, buying food, or paying utilities, then it only makes sense that you would have fewer freedoms than someone who does all those things.
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  #9  
Old Jan 21, '12, 9:57 pm
Bartolome Casas Bartolome Casas is offline
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Default Re: Parent/Adult Child relations

Until you pay for all of your own expenses, and live in your own home, you are not an adult.

Even your complaints in this post show that you are not yet an adult.

Your father is not the problem, even if he is not as sensitive to your feelings as we might all like.

The economy is not the problem.

Everything you want to blame is not the problem.

Um, what does that leave? Who or what then should you blame, or hold accountable?

I'm guessing that you are scared. Buck up. You know that if suddenly your parents died, and their home was sold away, that you would not end up homeless. You would "suddenly" be able to find 40 or 50 hours of work per week. You could do that next week if you really wanted to.

YOU need to stop judging your parents and start judging you. As Our Lord said, we see the speck another's eye, but not the log in our own eye.

But, all this reproach from us does nothing to help you with your fears about being alone and independent out there in the Big World.

For that, you need to seek the support of supportive people. Your parents are afraid to be supportive towards you, because the are afraid that their young one will never be able to survive out in the World without them.

Also, do you realize how much SHAME your parents feel by having you life there all this time AFTER you finished COLLEGE. College was supposed to make you ABLE and strong. But, with you, it seems to them like it didn't work. So, it is really embarrassing. You dwell on your hardships, but never think of their hardships.

Even more than the shame, they are WORRIED about you! A child who never grows is like dead person! Such a person can't survive!

The Adventure Called Life beckons you...
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  #10  
Old Jan 21, '12, 11:10 pm
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Default Re: Parent/Adult Child relations

Jesus drank alcohol (and made it - he was a good vintner, from what I hear). His wine was good enough that the host of the party he served it at remarked, "Why did you save [your] good wine and serve it after [their] bad wine?"
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Old Jan 21, '12, 11:13 pm
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Default Re: Parent/Adult Child relations

Quote:
Originally Posted by SaintPatrick333 View Post
lol I don't understand the two responses here. I'm 23 and living at home. I work for a retail outlet (target) and they schedule me 12 hours a week. Yes you read that correctly, 12. Sometimes I'm lucky and get a few more hours, but 12 is average. I have to completely mooch off my parents because with 12 hours I can't afford school, I can't afford a ****** apartment, if my parents kicked me out I'd be homeless. Fortunately I have a good relationship with my parents (now anyways) and so it's not much of a hindrance. But the economy is still garbage around here and the only jobs that are available are for those with prior experience or a degree, neither of which I have. How am I expected to be an "adult" and just magically move out on 12 hours a week at just above minimum wage? If you can find me a place to live and groceries cheap enough to buy that I could "exist" at best, on 12 hours a week, then I'm all ears. If not, I would suggest you people be a little less condescending and a little more compassionate.


Quote:
Originally Posted by cmscms View Post
Just curious, but if your parents all of a sudden had bad luck and lost their jobs (which could easiliy happen in this economy) who will they live with? They are expected to find their own rent money so why aren't younger people?
Thank God for unemployment insurance, pensions, and social security programs.
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  #12  
Old Jan 21, '12, 11:34 pm
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twoangels twoangels is offline
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Default Re: Parent/Adult Child relations

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Originally Posted by Cat View Post
You probably won't be able to afford a place by yourself, so find yourself some roommates, just like lots of men (and women) have done through the decades. Usually when three or four guys all chip in, they are able to afford an apartment or a rental house.
Roommate situations can get really bad. Its very difficult today to find quality roommates. They're bringing in men t sleep with, they're failing to pay their portion of the rent and leaving you with more than you can afford, etc.

Here's my advise. Living with your parents' does not have to mean mooching off of you're parents. Insist on paying them a rent. Respect adequate house rules. There is a difference between house rules and an overbearing parent who is trying to micromanage your life. House rules is what keeps sanity in a household. Get adequately employed and live frugally saving up and investing your money for when you do move out.

My brother moved out really quickly and was stuck living paycheck to paycheck barely making it by. He eventually ended up in a situation where he needed to move back home temporarily. He worked his way up in his job and used the time with the folks to save up and buy a house. He allowed his friend to rent from him. Eventually that friend up and decided to leave (again people can be really unreliable). He then found another roommate who moved in and simply was not paying rent. Right now he has no roommates and has refinanced his house and seems to have found a way to afford his morgage while still not being forced to live paycheck to paycheck.

I lived with my parents' after college as well. I made up a good egg nest that has helped my husband and I a ton with the financial uncertainities we've had. We just hate eating into the nestegg. My one regret is not moving out on my own sooner. I respected house rules, but I failed to acknowledge that my Mom didn't just want house rules. My mom has a tendency to try to live vicariously through her children. During my engagement, there was a bit of tension between us as she simply wasn't confident that I could do things without her help. She ended up being overwhelmed at her job so she was forced to let me plan the rest of my wedding. She was so nervous I'd forget something or other, but she was surprised at how well I did and how under budget I stayed. But I realized that the dynamic in our relationship has negative effects on my self confidence. She feels so useful when I'm helpless that she does and says little things that tears away at our self confidence and allows her to feel useful. I now live hours away from her. I love her dearly. She didn't like that I moved that far, but I think its good for me. I needed to get out of her influence a bit.
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Old Jan 21, '12, 11:55 pm
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Default Re: Parent/Adult Child relations

As to the people who said you're not an adult till you're on your own.

That's not true. There are plenty of cultures where extended families live together under one roof and the adults have true adult responsibilities. I'd say the big thing is that American parenting is very protective of children - obsessively so. We have trouble as parents' moving beyond that. We see everything as our sole responsibility. At most we try to get our teens to "play at responsibility" or teaching them book knowledge. Then our only choice is to jump from one extreem to the other. Shelter to out alone in the cold snow. Its why depression, suicide and drug and alcohol abuse is so common among young adults.

Last edited by twoangels; Jan 22, '12 at 12:08 am.
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Old Jan 22, '12, 1:14 am
TheWatcher TheWatcher is offline
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Default Re: Parent/Adult Child relations

For the people saying "parents house, parent's rules," does this include extremes, such as how to worship, what to think, where to work, and who to date/marry?
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Old Jan 22, '12, 1:49 am
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Default Re: Parent/Adult Child relations

No. It includes who can be in the house, if anyone, how many can be in the house, what can be done in the house, what hours you can come and go, which hours others can come and go, curfew, whether one can drink or smoke (even if one is of age), where one can drink and smoke, what appliances can be used at what hours, the amount of rent and utilities due proportionately each month, responsibilities for house work, and, if parents would let you use a car, what hours it can be used, what purposes it can be used for, how much insurance one must pay, how much petrol must be kept in the tank, et c. - property rights.
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