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  #1  
Old Jan 29, '12, 11:50 am
MadMax73 MadMax73 is offline
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Default I love my asexual wife

I recently told my wife of 15 years that she should stop checking her fertility (Clearblue method) as I would rather live celibately by choice than by force.

You see I couldn't keep watching Phase I and Phase III go by with the constant rejection and avoidance. Then it dawned on me that it wasn't the sex that I want, I want her to want me like I want her. I realized that she never has been that person. For 15 years it was always me who initiated and about 4 times a year she would give in. While she is very fit and beautiful she has never been a physical person.

Since I couldn't explain my feelings without choking up several with tears I wrote her a note telling her how I felt and so forth.

The problem is she hasn't responded in any way and it has almost been a week. We have a 9 year old and 7 year old so we don't have much free time to ourselves.

Please pray for my situation. I don't know if I can bring this subject up without getting emotional but I have decided to suffer with the Lord on this topic since I can't have what I really want.
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  #2  
Old Jan 29, '12, 12:09 pm
mamaslo mamaslo is offline
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Default Re: I love my asexual wife

did you ever think it may not even be you? She may have so much going on inside her head she is literally too busy there? I struggle with that. There are so many hours in the day and to stop the way folks expect and make all this time to relax...then to shirk the other stuff because of the relaxing...She may be afraid of letting go and just relaxing...most of the battle is probably in her head.

There may be miscommunication about what you want and her being cherished. This often happens too, you know Mars vs Venus.

Intimacy is a prayer. Do you pray together?
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  #3  
Old Jan 29, '12, 12:35 pm
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Smugleaf Smugleaf is offline
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Default Re: I love my asexual wife

You've done the right thing by being honest with her. I'm sure she will appreciate your openness. It seems like you are not pressuring her into intimacy, which I'm sure means a great deal to her.

My partner is asexual and this made me feel rejected at first, but then we had a long, honest talk. She explained to me how much guilt accompanies asexuality because you constantly feel as if you are unfairly denying someone their "right". She just is not a sexual person, and I'm happy with that, because I just want her to be comfortable and not force herself to do anything to please me. Which for the longest time she felt she had to do, and never opened her mouth about it. I think talking it out made our love stronger, and I wish you the same.
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  #4  
Old Jan 29, '12, 12:55 pm
Pfaffenhoffen Pfaffenhoffen is offline
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Default Re: I love my asexual wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by MadMax73 View Post
I recently told my wife of 15 years that she should stop checking her fertility (Clearblue method) as I would rather live celibately by choice than by force.

You see I couldn't keep watching Phase I and Phase III go by with the constant rejection and avoidance. Then it dawned on me that it wasn't the sex that I want, I want her to want me like I want her. I realized that she never has been that person. For 15 years it was always me who initiated and about 4 times a year she would give in. While she is very fit and beautiful she has never been a physical person.

Since I couldn't explain my feelings without choking up several with tears I wrote her a note telling her how I felt and so forth.

The problem is she hasn't responded in any way and it has almost been a week. We have a 9 year old and 7 year old so we don't have much free time to ourselves.

Please pray for my situation. I don't know if I can bring this subject up without getting emotional but I have decided to suffer with the Lord on this topic since I can't have what I really want.

Man and women have different rhythms and arousals.
Moreover each person is different.
Moreover, marriage makes monotony.
One cause I can see: "We do not have much free time to ourselves". Then, you must be deeply organized to profit from the little time you have. I would not give up the fight.
I do not think the celibacy position is not a way out as you are not monk and nun.

Try, try, try till you find a solution.
Another misstep is to wish you to want you as you want her. Definitely not for she is a Lady and you are a man and moreover each person is different: some like it wild and fast, others soft and slow, some show it outwardly others do not show no emotion at all. To as her to be like you is impossible.

If you do not have what you want, better want what you have.
And you have a wife, she is faithful to you, you have kids, boy, these times, that is very good.
Why dont you accept her like She is?
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  #5  
Old Jan 29, '12, 1:02 pm
TheRealJuliane TheRealJuliane is offline
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Default Re: I love my asexual wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by MadMax73 View Post
I recently told my wife of 15 years that she should stop checking her fertility (Clearblue method) as I would rather live celibately by choice than by force.

You see I couldn't keep watching Phase I and Phase III go by with the constant rejection and avoidance. Then it dawned on me that it wasn't the sex that I want, I want her to want me like I want her. I realized that she never has been that person. For 15 years it was always me who initiated and about 4 times a year she would give in. While she is very fit and beautiful she has never been a physical person.

Since I couldn't explain my feelings without choking up several with tears I wrote her a note telling her how I felt and so forth.

The problem is she hasn't responded in any way and it has almost been a week. We have a 9 year old and 7 year old so we don't have much free time to ourselves.

Please pray for my situation. I don't know if I can bring this subject up without getting emotional but I have decided to suffer with the Lord on this topic since I can't have what I really want.
I am so sorry. Does SHE say that the reason she does not want to make love to you is that she "isn't a physical person?" Has she had any form of sexual trauma in her life? Would she consider getting therapy to deal with her lack of sexual interest? 4 times a year is not a normal sex drive by any means. Even low-sex people have more interest than that. If she has always been this way, then it probably isn't a physical cause, but a psychological one.

I know it hurts you, and you feel rejected and helpless. I will add you to my prayers. I think you are doing all that you can by letting go of the expectation that she will ever want you in the same way that you want her.
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  #6  
Old Jan 29, '12, 1:04 pm
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LoyalViews LoyalViews is offline
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Default Re: I love my asexual wife

It may just be a test of your love for your wife, for the time being. But, if she is asexual, you honour and respect her as you have expressed. At least you do have true love for her, unlike so many couples today who are in it for the sex only. I'll pray for you!
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  #7  
Old Jan 29, '12, 1:46 pm
Debora123 Debora123 is offline
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Default Re: I love my asexual wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by MadMax73 View Post
I recently told my wife of 15 years that she should stop checking her fertility (Clearblue method) as I would rather live celibately by choice than by force.

You see I couldn't keep watching Phase I and Phase III go by with the constant rejection and avoidance. Then it dawned on me that it wasn't the sex that I want, I want her to want me like I want her. I realized that she never has been that person. For 15 years it was always me who initiated and about 4 times a year she would give in. While she is very fit and beautiful she has never been a physical person.

Since I couldn't explain my feelings without choking up several with tears I wrote her a note telling her how I felt and so forth.

The problem is she hasn't responded in any way and it has almost been a week. We have a 9 year old and 7 year old so we don't have much free time to ourselves.

Please pray for my situation. I don't know if I can bring this subject up without getting emotional but I have decided to suffer with the Lord on this topic since I can't have what I really want.


You're telling me she only agreed to make love to you 4 times a year??

This is awful and I am so sorry. Withholding sex from a spouse is a serious sin and she needs to seek some spiritual and professional counseling.
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  #8  
Old Jan 29, '12, 10:10 pm
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domandcarols domandcarols is offline
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Default Re: I love my asexual wife

I am praying for you. God bless you
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  #9  
Old Jan 30, '12, 1:38 am
Pfaffenhoffen Pfaffenhoffen is offline
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Default Re: I love my asexual wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by MadMax73 View Post
I recently told my wife of 15 years that she should stop checking her fertility (Clearblue method) as I would rather live celibately by choice than by force.

You see I couldn't keep watching Phase I and Phase III go by with the constant rejection and avoidance. Then it dawned on me that it wasn't the sex that I want, I want her to want me like I want her. I realized that she never has been that person. For 15 years it was always me who initiated and about 4 times a year she would give in. While she is very fit and beautiful she has never been a physical person.

Since I couldn't explain my feelings without choking up several with tears I wrote her a note telling her how I felt and so forth.

The problem is she hasn't responded in any way and it has almost been a week. We have a 9 year old and 7 year old so we don't have much free time to ourselves.

Please pray for my situation. I don't know if I can bring this subject up without getting emotional but I have decided to suffer with the Lord on this topic since I can't have what I really want.


I have thought on you.
New ideas: I think that your wife is not asexual. As you know, women when they reach a point, they take off on their own.
Different time, stress, hormonal level may make a difference. If she does not take initiative as you do does not mean she is asexual. Maybe she is worried about work, money, children and so on.
The heavy load on her makes her hard to take off.
Tip: start by a massage and never give up not even when she says no she may not mean no. Some people say "oh! no" oh! no!.
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  #10  
Old Jan 30, '12, 2:55 am
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Smugleaf Smugleaf is offline
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Default Re: I love my asexual wife

In what universe is non-consensual activity a good idea?
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  #11  
Old Jan 30, '12, 6:12 am
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Irishmom2 Irishmom2 is offline
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Default Re: I love my asexual wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pfaffenhoffen View Post
Tip: start by a massage and never give up not even when she says no she may not mean no. Some people say "oh! no" oh! no!.
Please do not take this advice.

You are a very loving, honest,and patient person. I have nothing to offer except what most others have said. If your wife would agree to it, perhaps a retreat to refresh your marriage would help. Are you happy with the rest of your marriage despite this? How does your wife feel about your marriage? (You don't need to answer, just something to think about in the parameters of the subject.) Counseling for both, or each of you separately may benefit you both.

Prayers offered for you. May God bless you and guide you.
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  #12  
Old Jan 30, '12, 6:21 am
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Boulder257 Boulder257 is offline
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Default Re: I love my asexual wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pfaffenhoffen View Post
I have thought on you.
Tip: start by a massage and never give up not even when she says no she may not mean no. Some people say "oh! no" oh! no!.
I know you are trying to help, but this could lead to some serious problems. I strongly suggest against this.
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  #13  
Old Jan 30, '12, 2:22 pm
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Luvz2travel Luvz2travel is offline
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Default Re: I love my asexual wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pfaffenhoffen View Post
I have thought on you.

Tip: start by a massage and never give up not even when she says no she may not mean no. Some people say "oh! no" oh! no!.
Troll post. This person is probably looking for a reaction. It's never a good idea to continue something when someone says no.
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  #14  
Old Jan 30, '12, 3:07 pm
TheRealJuliane TheRealJuliane is offline
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Default Re: I love my asexual wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by Luvz2travel View Post
Troll post. This person is probably looking for a reaction. It's never a good idea to continue something when someone says no.
No, she's not a troll. She sometimes has a bit of a gap in language. I know what she means, but it's not acceptable to push sex on someone when they have said "no," and I think most people can tell when a spouse means "No," or when they really mean, "convince me."
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  #15  
Old Jan 30, '12, 4:15 pm
MadMax73 MadMax73 is offline
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Default Re: I love my asexual wife

The reason I wrote her the letter in the first place was that I listened to Matthew Kelly's "7 levels of intimacy" where he says to love someone is to accept them not to understand them.

Thank you all for your prayers and encouragement, but those of you who have accurately pointed out that women have different emotional cycles and that she might be in a low one should know that this has been the same for 15 years. She had really irregular cycles when we first got married and diligence with NFP still couldn't pinpoint fertile times so it was easier to accept the once every couple of months that we made love. After having kids her cycle normalized so there have been more opportunities just less lovemaking.

I tried to understand her lack of physicality but in the letter I told her that I accepted it.
She is the best person that I have ever known and I feel blessed that I am married to her.

I also don't want her to sin on the account of her withholding so that is another reason I made my decision.

I don't know if this makes sense, but I don't sex from her at this point because while sacramentally valid it would be like emotional being with a prostitute. Whether it is done for money or out of duty I would feel wrong.

I really think that she is simply aphysical. We have fun when we go out, we share common interests, we enjoy being with our family and friends. No one would know there is any difficulty in our marriage.

I am too sad to share this with anyone I know so I thank God for all you.
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