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  #16  
Old Jan 30, '12, 5:22 pm
in_servitude in_servitude is offline
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Default Re: I love my asexual wife

Speaking from experience (but not quite as desolate as yours):
  • Conform your life and schedule to her needs. Give up your "wants" to do this.
  • Pray that the emotional distance between you and your wife goes to absolute zero.

If your experience is like mine, the result is a (near) total loss of ego. Once you get there, however, you may likely experience happiness. And, it's good for your soul.

In my case, I was shocked how intricately meshed we were. In so many ways, my wife and I were completely made for each other. But, at times, it didn't feel like it. (And, being rejected like this hurts a guy - so it's awesome you can still feel the love for her.)

Please pardon my mistakes if the advice doesn't fit your situation. It felt similar to my situation, so I decided to give it a shot.
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  #17  
Old Jan 30, '12, 8:17 pm
EasterJoy EasterJoy is offline
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Default Re: I love my asexual wife

When you say, "We have fun when we go out, we share common interests, we enjoy being with our family and friends. No one would know there is any difficulty in our marriage", this makes me think that this is about her level of desire and not a problem with you. That doesn't mean that she will be happier if you let sleeping dogs lie than if you investigate a bit. "Just aphysical and more sex isn't realistic" is a possible diagnosis, but it ought to be a diagnosis of exclusion. There are women out there who weren't having sex and were far happier when they learned what they needed to start having sex and enjoying it. Getting a sex life can make a woman previously assumed to be "asexual" happier, so this is not just about you.

Does she want to want sex with you more often than she does? If she does, that is something that can be worked on. Does she enjoy the four times a year? Maybe she does. If not, was there a time that she enjoyed sex? Does she know what changed? These are things that a trained counsellor can help you ask each other.

IOW: Don't jump to conclusions. Tell her that you are open to whatever conclusion you come to when you've investigated this together, then investigate.
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  #18  
Old Jan 31, '12, 7:54 am
Pfaffenhoffen Pfaffenhoffen is offline
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Default Re: I love my asexual wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by Irishmom2 View Post
Please do not take this advice.

You are a very loving, honest,and patient person. I have nothing to offer except what most others have said. If your wife would agree to it, perhaps a retreat to refresh your marriage would help. Are you happy with the rest of your marriage despite this? How does your wife feel about your marriage? (You don't need to answer, just something to think about in the parameters of the subject.) Counseling for both, or each of you separately may benefit you both.

Prayers offered for you. May God bless you and guide you.

Take my advice if you feel like it.
Needed effrontery to give advice about my advice (like this fella does) without knowing what I am talking about and without giving any reason. I know why she talks this way, but I will refrain from saying.
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  #19  
Old Jan 31, '12, 7:55 am
Pfaffenhoffen Pfaffenhoffen is offline
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Default Re: I love my asexual wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by Boulder257 View Post
I know you are trying to help, but this could lead to some serious problems. I strongly suggest against this.


Would you mind to give the reasons why?
Another one: it is not enough to warn about danger without mentioning the dangers. Is it any ghost?
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  #20  
Old Jan 31, '12, 7:59 am
Pfaffenhoffen Pfaffenhoffen is offline
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Default Re: I love my asexual wife

Funny. It seems to me that I am the only one lucid here?

Never convinced your partner to go to the movies when she did not feel like it? Never were you convinced to go shopping when you do not feel like it? Never convinced your partner to a weekend that was not the best of her preferences. Never got convinced to go with your partner friends that were not your first choices?

Why sex is different?

Was anybody thinking in rape? If yes, dirty thought !!!!!!!

NOT MY THOUGHT !!!! Someone else's eventually, not mine !!!
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  #21  
Old Jan 31, '12, 8:02 am
Pfaffenhoffen Pfaffenhoffen is offline
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Default Re: I love my asexual wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheRealJuliane View Post
No, she's not a troll. She sometimes has a bit of a gap in language. I know what she means, but it's not acceptable to push sex on someone when they have said "no," and I think most people can tell when a spouse means "No," or when they really mean, "convince me."


"Oh! No!" - means I do not feel like it but if you are skillful I want it.
"oh! no!" - I think that in english, many times, mean, "oh! yes! It is so good!" or am I wrong?
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  #22  
Old Jan 31, '12, 11:25 am
in_servitude in_servitude is offline
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Default Re: I love my asexual wife

Well, for whatever reason last night - this post was stuck in my head. And, so I decided to contemplate and pray about. As a result, I felt compelled to suggest the following:

If you do not already do so, lead your family in prayer every night just before the kids go to bed. I suggest starting simple - give thanks for the good things that happened in your family that day and ask for protection from your guardian angels for the coming night.

I say this because you, being the head of your family, have a role to play as the spiritual leader. I have this weird thought that you stepping up in this way will help draw you closer in every way to your wife and kids.

Second, get your house blessed by a priest or deacon. Ask around for those that do the full distance (use holy water, blessed salt, and incense). You want a loud declaration that all demons must leave your dwelling and stay gone. You're the man of the house, and it's your right to demand such a thing.

God bless, and good luck. I will once again ask you to forgive me if I have misunderstood the situation.
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  #23  
Old Jan 31, '12, 12:36 pm
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Sugabee43 Sugabee43 is offline
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Default Re: I love my asexual wife

I feel a need to post here....this is similar to my own marriage. I just do not want to have sex - with my husband; with anyone (assuming that, of course, that were any sort of option or even in my value system!). Prior to my conversion, I was a single non-practicing Christian who partied and I did have sex, but monogamously when I had a boyfriend, and I didn't miss it when I didn't have a boyfriend. I like affection, but not sex. And yes, I feel all kinds of guilt over not meeting my husband's needs, but it feels almost like what the OP said - prostitution, in a way. It's been very difficult for us, and we are in counseling, but it's almost not worth it because we aren't getting 'anywhere'. He feels neglected and I feel guilty and misjudged. And we are one of 'those couples' who you would have no idea that this is our situation. There are more factors in our skewed relationship that I am not talking about here, but this is a big one. I don't want to leave him and I don't think he wants to leave me (although he's threatened to, in fits of frustration), but we are not sure how to resolve this. If it were my choice, we'd be best friends and do stuff together but not have sex. I'm certain it's wouldn't be his choice.
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  #24  
Old Jan 31, '12, 12:39 pm
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TrueLight TrueLight is offline
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Default Re: I love my asexual wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheRealJuliane View Post
No, she's not a troll. She sometimes has a bit of a gap in language. I know what she means, but it's not acceptable to push sex on someone when they have said "no," and I think most people can tell when a spouse means "No," or when they really mean, "convince me."
I'm pretty sure "she" is a "he".
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  #25  
Old Jan 31, '12, 12:40 pm
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TrueLight TrueLight is offline
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Default Re: I love my asexual wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pfaffenhoffen View Post
"Oh! No!" - means I do not feel like it but if you are skillful I want it.
"oh! no!" - I think that in english, many times, mean, "oh! yes! It is so good!" or am I wrong?
I believe what he is saying in all the wrong ways, and part of that is probably a language gap, is to be romantic and "seduce" your wife.
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  #26  
Old Jan 31, '12, 12:48 pm
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Luna Lovecraft Luna Lovecraft is offline
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Default Re: I love my asexual wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pfaffenhoffen View Post
Tip: start by a massage and never give up not even when she says no she may not mean no. Some people say "oh! no" oh! no!.
And some people scream, "rape!"

OP, when your wife says no, she means no. You have to find a way to work through your issues, but not stopping physical contact when your wife asks you to violates your wife on too many levels to even begin to go into here.

You have to find ways to cope with your situation, but assaulting you wife cannot not be one of them.

Luna
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  #27  
Old Jan 31, '12, 12:55 pm
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Luna Lovecraft Luna Lovecraft is offline
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Default Re: I love my asexual wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pfaffenhoffen View Post
"Oh! No!" - means I do not feel like it but if you are skillful I want it.
"oh! no!" - I think that in english, many times, mean, "oh! yes! It is so good!" or am I wrong?
Luna's Life Lesson for Today: When it comes to other people touching our bodies, no always, always, always means no. Married or not, sexual, non-sexual - doesn't matter -non-consentual touching is always wrong.

Verbal seduction is one thing, but even there the line can be crossed into hounding and pestering pretty easily.

But to continue to touch your spouse after they've asked you to stop? Nah, you're really violating boundaries as well as your marriage vows there.

Luna
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  #28  
Old Jan 31, '12, 12:56 pm
JoArtist JoArtist is offline
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Default Re: I love my asexual wife

I suggest that she see a doctor,because having this low of a sex drive is not normal. If a physical medical issue is ruled out, then I would go to a therapist because it is probably psychological. Either way , you two should probably go to some sort of marital counseling together. It isn't right for you to go such long periods with no sex and deal with so much rejection from you wife.

You have obviously been hurt by this and she seems to not want to address the issue. I think it is important that you push for communication and counseling so you can begin to heal your marriage.
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  #29  
Old Jan 31, '12, 3:16 pm
TheRealJuliane TheRealJuliane is offline
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Default Re: I love my asexual wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pfaffenhoffen View Post
"Oh! No!" - means I do not feel like it but if you are skillful I want it.
"oh! no!" - I think that in english, many times, mean, "oh! yes! It is so good!" or am I wrong?
I think in this case, you are wrong.



"No!" does not mean "convince me." It just means, "No."
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  #30  
Old Jan 31, '12, 3:58 pm
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Sarabande Sarabande is offline
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Default Re: I love my asexual wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pfaffenhoffen View Post
"Oh! No!" - means I do not feel like it but if you are skillful I want it.
"oh! no!" - I think that in english, many times, mean, "oh! yes! It is so good!" or am I wrong?
I would have to say that you would be wrong on this. For me, "No,", "oh! no!", "No, not tonight," etc. has always meant, "No," and nothing more. I would be very upset with my husband if he kept trying to "convince" me by any means after telling him that, especially since when I do have to say no it's usually because I am not feeling well and sometimes because I am absolutely exhausted. When I "want it" or feel like I could get in the right mood to "want it", I would never speak in the negative. I'd make it very clear to him in various ways that I "want it" and/or how I want to get in the mood to "want it".

OP.... I am sorry you are going through this, but I think it was good that you wrote your wife that letter to express your feelings. I have done that myself in the past because I am sometimes much better at communicating my feelings through the written word rather than the spoken word. Doing that has helped my husband and I understand each other better and be able to then open up the dialogue in the spoken word to work things out. I cannot offer any other advice, but know that I will keep you and your wife in your prayers.
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