Happy wife, happy life syndrome - Page 2

28562 · #16 Feb 23, '12, 12:26 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by VeritasLuxMea

This is awhile back, so I'm going to paraphrase because I don't remember everyone's exact words.

A few months after we married, we were sitting around a dinner table with the Priest who presided at our wedding, a couple other family members and one of the Pre Cana couples that instructed us.

So the Priest starts joking with me about how, "You're going to learn that it's easier to just go along with whatever your wife says."

<Chuckles ensue across the table>

He continues, "See, there's an easy way and a hard way, [my name here], the hard way is to try and fight it for hours and lose anyway, the easy way is just to do as she says."

<Chuckles continue>

The wife in the Pre Cana couple says, "[Her husband's name] has learned the value of the phrase, 'yes, dear.'

<He laughs>

My wife turns to me and says in a joking tone, "That's right and you better get used to it!"

<Everyone laughs>

-end of story for the most part.

See, I am sometimes guilty of having a smart mouth and I probably would have muttered under my breath (but loud enough for everyone to hear) "we'll see about that" or something to that effect...

Snugglebugmom · #17 Feb 23, '12, 12:28 pm

This is one of my biggest pet peeves. My father-in-law jokes about it all the time, and both my mother-in-law and my husband's sister feed into it. My husband gets into those:"Wives are the boss and we poor slobs had better play along." type things with his father, all jokingly and laughing, and I hate it. I know he is joking, but it is just not funny. It makes him look like a total sap, and me like the world's biggest shrew. That is not what a good marriage is about, in my opinion. I don't like being painted as a controlling witch, and I would hate to think that I married a spineless wimp.
I have a hard time wording accurately how this bugs me, and I think the biggest reason for that is that we got married with the understanding that we were going to have an "old fashioned" marriage. Please don't flame me for this, I really have no interest in getting into gender-role debates, but we agreed that he would be the head of our household and have final say-so, of course never without considering my input and weighing my opinion, should it differ from his. He wasn't going to be a dictator, but just like in dancing, if both people try to lead things turn from a delicate, choreographed dance into a jumbled, clumsy mess.
For him to play the sap along with his father and pretend both of them are under the thumbs of these mean old hags is just incredibly offensive to me.
Okay, rant over.

VeritasLuxMea · #18 Feb 23, '12, 12:42 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Bucket

So long story short, I'd probably just roll with the punches here and suck it up as far as your feelings behind hurt

That's the thing, I don't feel like it's mostly about me. Everyone is different so what works for you works for you. But I have a highly inflamed sense of justice and I do not tolerate it when people stop looking at others as individuals with dignity and start treating them like members of some stereotypical group.

So this is NOT about my feelings. This is about unfair gender stereotyping and insulting the sacrament of marriage.

Kelfa28 · #19 Feb 23, '12, 1:04 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Snugglebugmom

That is not what a good marriage is about, in my opinion. I don't like being painted as a controlling witch, and I would hate to think that I married a spineless wimp.
I have a hard time wording accurately how this bugs me, and I think the biggest reason for that is that we got married with the understanding that we were going to have an "old fashioned" marriage. Please don't flame me for this, I really have no interest in getting into gender-role debates, but we agreed that he would be the head of our household and have final say-so, of course never without considering my input and weighing my opinion, should it differ from his. He wasn't going to be a dictator, but just like in dancing, if both people try to lead things turn from a delicate, choreographed dance into a jumbled, clumsy mess.
For him to play the sap along with his father and pretend both of them are under the thumbs of these mean old hags is just incredibly offensive to me.
Okay, rant over.

We aren't married yet by my Fiance and I came to the exact same conclusion. The way we see it...someone has to be in charge. It makes sense to put him at the head of the household because otherwise, what is his actual function? A wife has a clearly defined role because of her other role...that of being a mother. If she is put in charge of the household and is the primary breadwinner...she is wearing too many hats and the husband/father is given a back seat.
My Fiance and I are both in the military. He explained it as the ranking officer is always in charge. However, it's not just possible but expected that the enlisted Sergeant, though clearly lower ranking, may have more years and experience than the ranking officer. A good officer always defers to the experienced Sergeant when he needs to. If he doesn't then he is not being an effective leader.
When we went to our Pre-cana class we heard that term tossed around quite a bit. I don't take a statement like that too personally. I understand what will work in my marriage...open lines of communication and clearly defined roles.

Em_in_FL · #20 Feb 23, '12, 1:15 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by VeritasLuxMea

This is about unfair gender stereotyping and insulting the sacrament of marriage.

I agree completely.

So, stand up for yourself and your wife (I agree with BlueEyedLady that this is also insulting to women!). Don't let it be a joke! We tend to counter back rather than chuckle along... not with anger or spite (in fact, we keep it quite light and humorous), but let the truth be known!

The Bucket · #21 Feb 23, '12, 1:45 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kelfa28

My Fiance and I are both in the military. He explained it as the ranking officer is always in charge. However, it's not just possible but expected that the enlisted Sergeant, though clearly lower ranking, may have more years and experience than the ranking officer. A good officer always defers to the experienced Sergeant when he needs to. If he doesn't then he is not being an effective leader.

I find that analogy apt. I tend to lean more towards the "Captain and first officer" or "Chairman/CEO v. COO" but the point is the same.

TBenedicta · #22 Feb 23, '12, 4:32 pm

My now-husband and I also observed the same women-are-shrews-men-are-suckers archetype, just before our marriage. We had a long, detailed, and blessed discussion about what we want our marriage to look like. Shockingly, neither of us were okay with either one of us walking all over the other!

We each give 110% in our marriage. It isn't 50-50, and it certainly isn't my husband better dang well give 110% while I sit back eating bon-bons. Mutual respect is what has worked for us.

Another suggestion: why not try, instead of practicing saying the phrase, "yes dear", "yes God"?

Peace to you.

mini_me640 · #23 Feb 23, '12, 5:13 pm

Quite a contrast to our presiding priest who the day before our wedding told me I should try to get my way about some detail (I don't remember what) because it would be the last time I could tell my husband no.

I should say that I find the stereotype of the shrew wife and incompetent husband to be ridiculous as well, but most of the time people really are joking so don't let it get to you do much. As long as you and your wife are on the same page none of it really matters.

cmscms · #24 Feb 23, '12, 6:29 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by VeritasLuxMea

I think this stuff is supposed to be a joke, but frankly, I do not find it at all funny. I find it demeaning and wrong.

I agree 100%. As someone else mentioned, the show Everybody Loves Raymond just protrayed Ray as such a bozo it was discusting. No self respecting woman wants that type of a guy.

Or the opposite is also offensive to women ie the insinuation a man needs to give us everything we want so we don't throw a childish tantrum is very offensive.

And.....the only time I think a woman would harp on that joke as if she thinks it is funny is probably trying to say 'You know, my feelings are never being considered so yeah that I get to boss you around' Not a mature way of communicating

I suggesdt telling your wife it bothers you. A good wife would stop

CM

Havard · #25 Feb 23, '12, 6:31 pm

I don't know if makes me a bad person, but I'd probably make up some outrageous stories that just couldn't possibly be true, but play it as straight as possible, so that everyone gets a little uncomfortable and changes the subject.

TheRealJuliane · #26 Feb 23, '12, 6:31 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by VeritasLuxMea

So the Priest starts joking with me about how, "You're going to learn that it's easier to just go along with whatever your wife says."

I think I would have been very tempted to say, "Yes, Father, as soon as you get married, you can give me advice!"

That's pretty ironic, a priest giving specific marital advice...

I hate these sorts of stupid stereotypes and in the circumstance, I would either sit there, stone-faced and silent, or come up with some sort of smart-aleck response. And if my hubby actually played along with it? Well, he would get what-for later on!

Seriously, I'd sit with your wife, tell her how offensive you found that joke session, and brainstorm for ways to defuse it next time. Tell a joke, change the subject, drop something on the floor, just distract the conversation away from such nonsense.

VeritasLuxMea · #27 Feb 23, '12, 7:03 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheRealJuliane

I think I would have been very tempted to say, "Yes, Father, as soon as you get married, you can give me advice!"

That's pretty ironic, a priest giving specific marital advice...

I hate these sorts of stupid stereotypes and in the circumstance, I would either sit there, stone-faced and silent, or come up with some sort of smart-aleck response. And if my hubby actually played along with it? Well, he would get what-for later on!

Seriously, I'd sit with your wife, tell her how offensive you found that joke session, and brainstorm for ways to defuse it next time. Tell a joke, change the subject, drop something on the floor, just distract the conversation away from such nonsense.

Thanks. I hope this didn't come across as if I was taking a jab at the Priest or the Pre-Cana couple in question, all 3 of them are excellent people and I do believe they were joking but I still find such jokes in terrible taste! Just IMO.. it's not that it's one incident, it's that I tend to hear these types of things over and over again from all sorts of people.

The reason I singled out the incident with the Pre-Cana couple and Priest is because I really held them to a higher standard and was disappointed in that kind of talk out of their mouths.

Irishmom2 · #28 Feb 24, '12, 6:23 am

What I would have answered in red. I am always quick with a comeback.

Quote:

Originally Posted by VeritasLuxMea

This is awhile back, so I'm going to paraphrase because I don't remember everyone's exact words.

A few months after we married, we were sitting around a dinner table with the Priest who presided at our wedding, a couple other family members and one of the Pre Cana couples that instructed us.

So the Priest starts joking with me about how, "You're going to learn that it's easier to just go along with whatever your wife says." "Well lucky for me then, my wife and I talkabout things and she doesn't "say" things to me any more than I would "say" them to her."

<Chuckles ensue across the table>

He continues, "See, there's an easy way and a hard way, [my name here], the hard way is to try and fight it for hours and lose anyway, the easy way is just to do as she says."
"No, the easy way in the end is to discuss it and decide what is best for both of us no matter what the rest of you do."

<Chuckles continue>

The wife in the Pre Cana couple says, "[Her husband's name] has learned the value of the phrase, 'yes, dear.' "And hopefully that is a term both my wife and I will both use every day."

<He laughs>

My wife turns to me and says in a joking tone, "That's right and you better get used to it!"
(And yes, here is where you should just smile and talk to her about it at home later. No "comebacks needed at your bride.)

<Everyone laughs>

-end of story for the most part.

I hadn't thought about it too much at the time, but there were a number of such conversations (with all sorts of people) leading up to the wedding and even afterwards that followed a similar model - some worse than others.

I think this stuff is supposed to be a joke, but frankly, I do not find it at all funny. I find it demeaning and wrong. And yet I have to sit there and pretend like it's funny or risk offending people. If I speak up and say "Excuse me, that's inappropriate," then I'm treated like a guy who can't take a joke. Excuse me... just because I do not like inappropriate jokes doesn't mean I have a bad sense of humor.

I would not sit there and listen to misogynistic or racist jokes either... but for these ones it has been very difficult to deal with. Like when the former Maid of Honor tried to tell me that my wedding was "all about the bride" and it was "her day," and I tried to explain that it is God's day to sanction our love for each other.

I know others will accuse me of being oversensitive, but I think that's a cop-out. Anyway.. your thoughts?

NSFrame · #29 Feb 24, '12, 8:16 am

OP, IMHO you are too sensitive about such issues. You seem to worry too much about whether your wife is getting too much credit/attention because you feel it detracts from you. I am basing this on this post as well as a previous post you had about weddings and the bride getting too much attention.

It is a broader issue in society, but not something you need to take personally if you know in your heart that you already treat her way better than the dumb-bunny, fat-slob "King of Queens" stereotype guy.

A guy who is giving 100% of himself to his wife *does* very often "give in" to her preferences when it comes to certain issues that may be more important to her than to him, such as what color the living room drapes are, or where to have dinner out on Valentine's Day, or whether to cloth diaper versus use disposables. If you expect a perfect compromise on every issue, what you get is perfect dissatisfaction. There is a bit of "indulging" the wife that goes into every happy marriage. I shouldn't even call it "indulging", it's more along the lines of giving freely. A man who wants to be involved in every.last.detail. of the home is, IMO, a controlling husband who can cause serious psychological damage to the wife.

VeritasLuxMea · #30 Feb 24, '12, 10:56 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by NSFrame

OP, IMHO you are too sensitive about such issues. You seem to worry too much about whether your wife is getting too much credit/attention because you feel it detracts from you. I am basing this on this post as well as a previous post you had about weddings and the bride getting too much attention.

We're on different pages here. Where do you see "attention," being the issue in this thread? Can you go back and provide an example? I think I've been pretty clear as to what the real concern is, having stated it numerous times.. and attention was not one of them.

Quote:

It is a broader issue in society, but not something you need to take personally if you know in your heart that you already treat her way better than the dumb-bunny, fat-slob "King of Queens" stereotype guy.

Uh.. what? What does this have to do with the way I treat her?

Quote:

A guy who is giving 100% of himself to his wife *does* very often "give in" to her preferences when it comes to certain issues that may be more important to her than to him, such as what color the living room drapes are, or where to have dinner out on Valentine's Day, or whether to cloth diaper versus use disposables. If you expect a perfect compromise on every issue, what you get is perfect dissatisfaction. There is a bit of "indulging" the wife that goes into every happy marriage. I shouldn't even call it "indulging", it's more along the lines of giving freely. .

Maybe I missed the part where I quoted someone as saying, "It's great to give freely to your wife," because I wouldn't have objected to that.

Or, "When it comes to matters of a more feminine bent, it's usually best to assent to the female touch" because I wouldn't have objected to that.

How are either of those statements similar to, "the easy way is just to do as she says [in general]"?

IMO, you are severely downplaying what is actually said and then acting like I disagreed with those mild statements you made... that's not true.