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  #1  
Old Feb 23, '12, 3:15 pm
ElizabethAnne ElizabethAnne is offline
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Default Father inprisoned for pornography possession

I am preparing to write a letter to my father who is currently incarcerated, and I am hoping to get some feedback on the situation in order to decide what I need to say and feel more at peace about the situation.

My father told me last year that he would be going to prison but was fuzzy on the details. He shared more information with my brother, but it was not until we looked up the public records online that we found out that he pled guilty to possession of child pornography. I have read the court documents and have a good grasp on what exactly occurred. We are dealing with photographs of prepubescent girls. My father has no idea that I even have accessed this information.

I told my father that I do not support his actions but that I love him. I, as an individual, intend to continue to interact with him, which I have been doing for the past year while he has been in prison.

I have a three-year-old daughter and another daughter on the way. In every communication, my father mentions how excited he is to come visit once he is released and meet his new granddaughter. He displays shame at being in prison but seems to be in denial about what is far more serious -- the reason he is in prison. I do not know where to begin with him. Part of the problem is that communication in our relationship has always been extremely flawed, so there are many underlying/unresolved problems at hand.

Your thoughts and advice would be very much appreciated.
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  #2  
Old Feb 23, '12, 3:29 pm
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Trishie Trishie is offline
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Default Re: Father inprisoned for pornography possession

I feel for you as this is about your own Dad and grandfather of your children.
Yet he has already betrayed other mother's children by enjoying porn related to them.

He is secretive about his criminal activities, naturally he is ashamed of them, but his lack of honesty would worry me. A mother could never have peace with him around her daughters.

As he isn't honest about his crime I think in your position I've have to be honest myself, and say, I love you Dad but as a mother I see your weakness as potentially exploitative of my girls,
and I don't want you or anyone looking at my daughters seeing them as sex objects, arousal subjects.

It's a weakness he has, seriously enough to get him arrested and imprisoned. In a year he has overcome that? Can one?

You need better responses than I can give. I'm just speaking as a mother.
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though JESUS protested it was not yet time for miracles
you successfully interceded with Him for a family's temporal need
please now intercede with your divine Son
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  #3  
Old Feb 23, '12, 4:23 pm
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grasscutter grasscutter is offline
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Default Re: Father inprisoned for pornography possession

Telling him you love him and praying for him are awesome things. However, I would seriously never let him come in contact with your daughters. I'm sorry you're in such a horrible situation and I will pray for you.
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  #4  
Old Feb 23, '12, 4:29 pm
Catholic1954 Catholic1954 is offline
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Default Re: Father inprisoned for pornography possession

Quote:
Originally Posted by ElizabethAnne View Post
I am preparing to write a letter to my father who is currently incarcerated, and I am hoping to get some feedback on the situation in order to decide what I need to say and feel more at peace about the situation.

My father told me last year that he would be going to prison but was fuzzy on the details. He shared more information with my brother, but it was not until we looked up the public records online that we found out that he pled guilty to possession of child pornography. I have read the court documents and have a good grasp on what exactly occurred. We are dealing with photographs of prepubescent girls. My father has no idea that I even have accessed this information.

I told my father that I do not support his actions but that I love him. I, as an individual, intend to continue to interact with him, which I have been doing for the past year while he has been in prison.

I have a three-year-old daughter and another daughter on the way. In every communication, my father mentions how excited he is to come visit once he is released and meet his new granddaughter. He displays shame at being in prison but seems to be in denial about what is far more serious -- the reason he is in prison. I do not know where to begin with him. Part of the problem is that communication in our relationship has always been extremely flawed, so there are many underlying/unresolved problems at hand.

Your thoughts and advice would be very much appreciated.
I would keep my daughters as far away as possible from your Dad. You can still maintain the same relationship with him, but do not include your children, at least until they are much older. You should also inform him that you looked up his court records and know exactly why he in prison. That will clear the air and help him to communicate more honestly with you.
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  #5  
Old Feb 23, '12, 4:39 pm
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triumphguy triumphguy is offline
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Default Re: Father inprisoned for pornography possession

Until he is honest with your children are not safe. And even then.....

I was a prison chaplain and worked with sex offenders.

Even your children are not safe unless he undergoes proper treatment, and even then I wouldn't trust him.

I'm sorry you have to make this choice between him and your kids. However, you can still be his daughter, but unfortunately he's given up the right to be a granddad.
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  #6  
Old Feb 23, '12, 4:45 pm
Catherine S. Catherine S. is offline
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Default Re: Father inprisoned for pornography possession

Quote:
Originally Posted by ElizabethAnne View Post
I am preparing to write a letter to my father who is currently incarcerated, and I am hoping to get some feedback on the situation in order to decide what I need to say and feel more at peace about the situation.

My father told me last year that he would be going to prison but was fuzzy on the details. He shared more information with my brother, but it was not until we looked up the public records online that we found out that he pled guilty to possession of child pornography. I have read the court documents and have a good grasp on what exactly occurred. We are dealing with photographs of prepubescent girls. My father has no idea that I even have accessed this information.

I told my father that I do not support his actions but that I love him. I, as an individual, intend to continue to interact with him, which I have been doing for the past year while he has been in prison.

I have a three-year-old daughter and another daughter on the way. In every communication, my father mentions how excited he is to come visit once he is released and meet his new granddaughter. He displays shame at being in prison but seems to be in denial about what is far more serious -- the reason he is in prison. I do not know where to begin with him. Part of the problem is that communication in our relationship has always been extremely flawed, so there are many underlying/unresolved problems at hand.

Your thoughts and advice would be very much appreciated.

Do not trust this man around your daughters!
EVER!
Remember why he looked at child pornography!
I am sorry if I appear harsh but this is not some little weakness on his part, it is filthy sin!!
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  #7  
Old Feb 23, '12, 4:57 pm
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Zundrah Zundrah is offline
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Default Re: Father inprisoned for pornography possession

In my mind, he would be as good as dead. I'd disown him as a relative.

Nothing in this world is more damaging than sexual abuse.

The fact that he gets turned on by looking at a child, that is just too horrific to even imagine.

If you let him into your children's lives, you are responsible for anything that he may do to them.
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  #8  
Old Feb 23, '12, 5:11 pm
BOSS10L BOSS10L is offline
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Default Re: Father inprisoned for pornography possession

Quote:
Originally Posted by Catherine S. View Post
Do not trust this man around your daughters!
EVER!
Remember why he looked at child pornography!
I am sorry if I appear harsh but this is not some little weakness on his part, it is filthy sin!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zundrah View Post
In my mind, he would be as good as dead. I'd disown him as a relative.

Nothing in this world is more damaging than sexual abuse.

The fact that he gets turned on by looking at a child, that is just too horrific to even imagine.

If you let him into your children's lives, you are responsible for anything that he may do to them.

I couldn't agree more with these two posts.
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  #9  
Old Feb 23, '12, 7:08 pm
ElizabethAnne ElizabethAnne is offline
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Default Re: Father inprisoned for pornography possession

Thank you all for your feedback so far. The reason I had not told him what I know about what happened is because I had hoped that he would open up about it at some point. I have the information, and since I am no longer in need of it, I was watching him to see whether or not he was being honest. I had hoped he would be honest before I let him know that I am aware of everything.

I know that my father is extremely troubled, both because of this and for other reasons. I will never, ever, ever allow him to be alone with my children. He will never, ever, ever have a place to stay in my home. I have taken the time that he is in prison to consider carefully a plan of action. Since he could not see my children, I did not worry about making a final decision. I have not ruled out the possibility of supervised visits in public places. I have not made the decision to allow such visits either.

grasscutter, telling my dad that I love him and praying for him was the starting point for me. Now that he has served half of his sentence, it is time for more, thus my seeking further clarity and preparing to write to him.

triumphguy, thank you for your feedback. I had hoped to speak with a prison chaplain or psychiatrist who works with sex offenders to discuss the entire issue. I think it might be time for me to try to contact someone and discuss every detail of the situation in order for me to process it and hopefully gain some insight. I have absolutely no problem choosing my children over him, and I don't have a problem with the fact that he has given up the right to be a granddad. The sorry state of things is that he has robbed my children of their grandfather, and that is the point I am angriest about.

Zundrah, I agree that his crime is totally horrific. Too terrible to categorize. I am under no disillusion that he is dangerous and that I must proceed with extreme caution.

There are just still so many questions. What do I tell my children and when? At some point, particularly when they've moved out, they may need to know details so that they can protect themselves. What do I tell my inlaws? We usually visit both my father and my inlaws in the same trip because they live in the same part of the country. In the future, I may be traveling with my husband to visit my father and leaving the children with my inlaws.

The other aspect is that I may have to cut ties with my father's entire family as a result of this. My father lives in the same area with my grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. If I have to keep my children away from him, they will likely grow up not knowing any of those other relatives. And a very big question, what obligation do I have to my cousins and their children to share the information that I have that they likelyhave not accessed themselves?
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  #10  
Old Feb 23, '12, 7:48 pm
AlltheRoses AlltheRoses is offline
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Default Re: Father inprisoned for pornography possession

Quote:
Originally Posted by ElizabethAnne View Post
I am preparing to write a letter to my father who is currently incarcerated, and I am hoping to get some feedback on the situation in order to decide what I need to say and feel more at peace about the situation.

My father told me last year that he would be going to prison but was fuzzy on the details. He shared more information with my brother, but it was not until we looked up the public records online that we found out that he pled guilty to possession of child pornography. I have read the court documents and have a good grasp on what exactly occurred. We are dealing with photographs of prepubescent girls. My father has no idea that I even have accessed this information.

I told my father that I do not support his actions but that I love him. I, as an individual, intend to continue to interact with him, which I have been doing for the past year while he has been in prison.

I have a three-year-old daughter and another daughter on the way. In every communication, my father mentions how excited he is to come visit once he is released and meet his new granddaughter. He displays shame at being in prison but seems to be in denial about what is far more serious -- the reason he is in prison. I do not know where to begin with him. Part of the problem is that communication in our relationship has always been extremely flawed, so there are many underlying/unresolved problems at hand.

Your thoughts and advice would be very much appreciated.
I would make it clear to your dad that you love him and that you are willing to communicate with him and visit with him when he gets out of prison just as you are now that he is in prison, but that you have discovered why he is in prison and that, as he pleaded guilty to possessing pornography of young girls, you are simply not comfortable having him come into contact with your daughter(s). Explain that, as a mother, you can't risk having your daughter(s) abused by someone who has already given into a terrible temptation. Also, explain that you are trying to prevent him from getting into any situation that could further divide your family or put him into sin. I would try to be as loving and charitable as possible while still being firm about him not having contact with your girl(s). I'm sorry that you and your family have to deal with this. May God guide you in this and in all else.
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  #11  
Old Feb 23, '12, 7:57 pm
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NickVA NickVA is offline
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Post Re: Father inprisoned for pornography possession

Definitely a difficult situation. You should pray The Divine Mercy Chaplet for him.

You should talk to a priest about this, someone you trust. I wouldn't use the CAF forums as a legitimate authority in a matter like this.
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  #12  
Old Feb 23, '12, 8:37 pm
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Havard Havard is offline
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Default Re: Father inprisoned for pornography possession

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zundrah View Post
In my mind, he would be as good as dead. I'd disown him as a relative.

Nothing in this world is more damaging than sexual abuse.

The fact that he gets turned on by looking at a child, that is just too horrific to even imagine.

If you let him into your children's lives, you are responsible for anything that he may do to them.
My uncle is a pedophile. He did awful, horrible things to children, and he probably would have done them to me too, if he had ever had the opportunity.

That said, pedophilia is not just some trivial fetish that pedophiles could kick if they just got some self control. It is a consuming disorder with no known cure, just as we have no cure for sociopaths.

Despite how dangerous they have the capability of being, God put them here, so their lives matter. They are still people, they still deserve our prayers.

To the OP, I very much agree with the advice never to let him around your children, or any children for that matter. When it comes to this, you cannot ever let your guard down.
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  #13  
Old Feb 23, '12, 10:21 pm
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SummerSmiles SummerSmiles is offline
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Default Re: Father inprisoned for pornography possession

Quote:
Originally Posted by ElizabethAnne View Post
There are just still so many questions. What do I tell my children and when? At some point, particularly when they've moved out, they may need to know details so that they can protect themselves. What do I tell my inlaws? We usually visit both my father and my inlaws in the same trip because they live in the same part of the country. In the future, I may be traveling with my husband to visit my father and leaving the children with my inlaws.

The other aspect is that I may have to cut ties with my father's entire family as a result of this. My father lives in the same area with my grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. If I have to keep my children away from him, they will likely grow up not knowing any of those other relatives. And a very big question, what obligation do I have to my cousins and their children to share the information that I have that they likelyhave not accessed themselves?
I'm so sorry you're in such a difficult situation. A very similar situation happened with one of my childhood friends, and I've seen all the turmoil she and her family have had to go through.

I can't tell you what I think you should do, but I can tell you what I would do. I would let him know that he'll always be my father and I will always love him as such. If he would like to continue a relationship with me, I am open to that, but it will never be a close relationship. Under no circumstances would I allow him contact with my children.

There is such a difficult line to walk between telling your kids too much and scaring them, and not telling them enough. When they are young, all they need to know is that they can't talk to/see granddad. As they get older, they can get more details about why. There is no set age when I would start going into more detail, it will just depend on each individual child. Some kids are very mature and will pick up on there being more to the situation. Other kids will be content with just not having him around.

How close are you to your cousins? This is something serious enough that I would definitely bring it up to the ones who have kids. I would be extremely angry if one of my cousins didn't tell me that my Uncle Whoever was put in jail for something like that. Especially if they knew that I had a lot of contact with him and just didn't know the details for some reason. I would make it clear that it wasn't out of spite for your dad, just that you want to protect the other children in your extended family.
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  #14  
Old Feb 23, '12, 11:14 pm
Arlene Arlene is offline
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Default Re: Father inprisoned for pornography possession

I wouldn't even allow supervised visits. It would make me sick to my stomach knowing that my own father was looking at my girls with vile eyes. Even if he wasn't given opportunity to do anything, he would still be having thoughts in his head. And I wouldn't cover up his sin for him. It is public record anyway, even if the cousins had no reason to wonder or look it up. It is his shame not yours, and there is no reason for you to keep his secrets. There is a difference between gossiping and warning other people about a very real danger and threat to their children's well-being. When family visits are being planned just be up front that your children will not be having contact with their grandfather. Certainly your father's side of the family must know he's in prison? Are they in denial why? For the cousins with young children, I would speak to each of them privately and just make a suggestion that they find out why their uncle was in prison. Tell them that you will be prohibiting contact with your own children and it would be in their best interest to find out why. If they are open to conversation, then they are well warned. If not, then denial runs deep in that side of the family and you are best to keep your children away from them, too, because they won't be supportive of your denial of contact. I will pray for you. This is a horrible thing to know about your own father.
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  #15  
Old Feb 24, '12, 12:03 am
GraceDK GraceDK is offline
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Default Re: Father inprisoned for pornography possession

Quote:
Originally Posted by ElizabethAnne View Post
And a very big question, what obligation do I have to my cousins and their children to share the information that I have that they likelyhave not accessed themselves?
Would you wanna know?
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