Confirmation bribery

[dconklin]

Originally Posted by themanchoo

...confirmation is a specifically Catholic ritual.

I would have thought Catholics would prefer to see children reach adulthood on their own terms, becoming who they really want to be.

Nope, not a specifically Catholic ritual/issue - at least not totally. Other Christian denominations have Confirmation and the Jews have Bar and Bat Mitzvahs.

And no, as a Catholic parent I do not want my kids to wait until they want to become fuller members of the Church and receive the sanctifying graces the sacrament bestows.

Silly atheists are always trying to think for me.

[MissRose73]

I was confirmed at age 17, and keep in mind that was 20 something years ago too. I did not do it because I would get gifts, and the gifts I got were very few anyways. It also marked the end of my catechism class going days too.

To do it because you will get material gifts is the incentive is in my opinion not a good way to approach the sacrament. There are more important gifts we get from reception of Confirmation that last a lifetime beyond a piece of jewelry from the sponsor/Godparent or some money from a grandparent as examples. Those receiving Confirmation need to understand that or postpone reception until they are mature enough to handle it.

[shainski]

i read your post a few days ago. I wanted to think about a reply.

Most important events in our lives are accompanied with material gifts. Birthdays, baptisms, anniversaries, graduations, first communions, confirmations, weddings, promotions, retirements.

But most of these we would have done without the gifts involved. The gifts are a sign of the significance of the event. In fact, it would usually be a pretty poor investment to go through the process if the sole reward were the gifts. Even confirmation - involves what? a year of preparation and studying. Even if it were just an extra two hours a week for a year, that would be 100 hours.

If you were able to reap $250 in gifts, that would translate into just a couple of dollars an hour. Even a 12 year old might be able to make that mowing lawns for a few Saturday mornings.

If your son's sole reason for graduating high school was to get a thousand dollars, would you still think it was worth his while to do what was necessary to graduate? I would. Just by attending class and doing the minimal work that was necessary to graduate, something might just seep into his brain. Would he be making a mockery of high school? Perhaps he is, but as long as he is not being disruptive to others, i'll bet his teachers would rather he be there than not. And there is always the chance that someone along the way may inspire him beyond his (or your) expectations.

I've had friends kids go through bar and bat mitvahs. That entails a lot of preparation. Around here, the celebrations can often seem like a small wedding with receptions and gifts. But i am always impressed by what the child had to go through. Without the reward, i suppose that some would have forgone the preparation. But I wonder how many of them regretted having done it afterwards.

I say let your son's motivations be what they are.

[Godfollower]

Originally Posted by themanchoo

I wish to get a Catholic perspective on this, please.

I make no apologies for being an atheist, but I am not here to question beliefs, and it's not entirely relevant to my question, but I want to be open and honest from the start.

My wife is Catholic, although of the "special occasions only" variety. We are not a church-going family (this isn't down to me. My wife avoids church all by herself!). My son is just about to turn eleven, and he goes to a Catholic school. The choice of his school was more due to the fact that it's Irish-speaking, and it has always had good reports, rather than its Catholicism.

Next year he is due to have his Confirmation. His cousin has recently completed his, and here is where we get onto my question.

The cousin received gifts and money from his close and extended family. In fact, they were very generous. There is no doubt in my mind that the children taking part that day only had gifts and money on their mind. I'm not sure that any of them were there just for the ceremony and the meaning of the day.

I have said to my son on many occasions that it's completely his choice whether he grows up to be Catholic/Atheist/whatever he wants to be. But I want him to do things for the right reasons. And as far as I can tell, the only reason he wants to have a Confirmation, is because of the expected gifts.

To me, this makes a mockery of the whole process. I am not here to mock it myself, as I know it's important in many people's lives. But does anyone else not think it all amounts to simple bribery?

I cannot imagine denying my son the right to do what many of his peers are doing. I understand how important it is for children to "belong". I don't want to cause him any problems, at all. But I want him to either believe strongly that he's doing the Confirmation for the appropriate reasons, or not do it at all.

I suppose my question is, then, does anyone have any advice? Has anyone else had a similar experience, and found a good solution that doesn't isolate the child?

Any other thoughts will be gratefully received.

Doug

I appreciate your thinking on this. Thank you for coming here to discuss it.

I'm generally with you on the gift-inspired celebration issue. I'm not one of those "Ban Santa now!" people, but on the other hand I want the kids to be thinking about Jesus for Christmas, not about how many toys they're getting under the tree. Similarly, I would be really bothered if my son were getting confirmed solely for the purpose of getting showered with gifts.

My suggestion is to have a sit-down with your son. Presumably your son knows of your atheism and your wife's Catholicism and has already been prepped for dealing with the differences that necessarily follow. I would then raise the issue: by accepting this Sacrament, you're promising to be a good Catholic, and you're accepting the responsibility of being an adult in the Church. Gifts are cool, but they aren't the reason for the Sacrament. If you're receiving the Sacrament on its own, that's great; presents are irrelevant to that decision.

I "get" the idea of kids doing the right thing and acknowledging the right reasons while fully aware that presents will ensue; it seems to me that the presence of presents (ha!) should be set aside while the main question is addressed; then, if your son is comfortable accepting the Sacrament despite the presence or absence of presents, presents can follow anyway.

Does that make sense?

[admonsta]

I think:

Kids never fully appreciate what they are doing in terms of faith-based things. When my son made his first Communion, I worried that he didn't really "get" it, but I was reassured that he knew all the theory and he would develop the faith eventually. I think the same applies to Confirmation. When I made mine, I knew what was happening and I believed it, but didn't fully live it. I enjoyed the attention, got some religious gifts and was pleased to get them.

Now I get it. I'm an adult and I fully believe what the Catholic Church teaches. I will not delay my children's reception of the sacraments because they don't have the right mindset.

That said, it's important that your son really understands what he's doing, what the sacrament means and what he's agreeing to. I get the impression that your wife doesn't show him an example of strong faith (not being nasty, just trying to figure out how things are), therefore your son will emulate what he sees, and will probably not have a strong belief. Depending on the effectiveness of the school, he might have a good understanding, but he might not.

Don't be too concerned about your son's keenness to receive presents. Any child would. Be more concerned that he knows what he's doing, and if you are satisfied that he understands, let him do it. Don't worry so much about whether he does it for the right reasons if he does believe what he's doing, but wants presents as well. If he wouldn't bother without presents, I'd assume he doesn't believe in any of it, and I'd consider postponing it.

It would be very hard for a boy to know what to believe with an atheist father and a not-so fervent Catholic mother, but going to a Catholic school.

[Allegra]

Does your son say he wants to be confirmed? You could ask family and friends to make a donation on his behalf to some charity rather than give him financial gifts. I've heard of lots of people doing this. We always got religious gifts for that sort of thing.

[BlueEyedLady]

I wouldn't recommend it. If you are an atheist and your wife is a "Christmas Catholic" chances are your son is going to be either a man of no faith, or a man who has very casual faith that he is apathetic about. If your wife was devout and you were on board with raising him Catholic, my answer would be different, but as it stands it is going to be pretty meaningless for him.

He is your son, you know him better than anyone. If you don't think he's ready then don't let him. Consider what will happen if he doesn't really take this seriously or really have a commitment to the meaning behind it and one day when he's older he decides he does want to be a practicing Catholic and be strong in his faith. He will not be able to be confirmed with his whole heart in it, because he's already been through it. I have a few friends that that happened to. They didn't fully understand or feel the meaning of baptism, but they went through it as kids and then as adults when they really wanted it they felt cheated, because it wasn't something that they were able to do again with their whole hearts in it this time. (They were Protestants who didn't do confirmation or infant baptism.)

[domandcarols]

Why would you bother having him make his Confirmation if he's not being raised Catholic? Seems bizarre to me.

[maryjk]

Originally Posted by BlueEyedLady

I wouldn't recommend it. If you are an atheist and your wife is a "Christmas Catholic" chances are your son is going to be either a man of no faith, or a man who has very casual faith that he is apathetic about. If your wife was devout and you were on board with raising him Catholic, my answer would be different, but as it stands it is going to be pretty meaningless for him.

I was raised by two Christmas Catholics. I am now a fully practicing Catholic. No one knows what the future holds.

He is your son, you know him better than anyone. If you don't think he's ready then don't let him. Consider what will happen if he doesn't really take this seriously or really have a commitment to the meaning behind it and one day when he's older he decides he does want to be a practicing Catholic and be strong in his faith. He will not be able to be confirmed with his whole heart in it, because he's already been through it. I have a few friends that that happened to. They didn't fully understand or feel the meaning of baptism, but they went through it as kids and then as adults when they really wanted it they felt cheated, because it wasn't something that they were able to do again with their whole hearts in it this time. (They were Protestants who didn't do confirmation or infant baptism.)

I was Baptized as an infant. I made my First Communion before my parents stopped going to church. And I made my Confirmation because everyone else was doing it. I wasn't even attending Mass on a regular basis.

When I decided to return to the Church, I was one Confession from fully participating in the Sacraments. It was a wonderful feeling.

[kristacecilia]

I would ave him confirmed. You never know what graces that sacrament will ultimately bring him. But, as his dad, I would educate myself and him on what it truly meant to be confirmed.


I was "made" to be confirmed because it was what everyone else my age was doing. It meant nothing to me at the time, unfortunately. But I am convinced that the graces I received from that sacrament are what kept me out of real trouble and led me back to the church a few years later.

[MissRose73]

I did not get a large party with lots of gifts for my First Communion nor for my Confirmation. I got a few gifts - most with religious significance for these times. Money received was set aside for me. The few people that came to the church then my parents home for dinner were close family members.

Then again, my mother (a practicing Catholic) knew I was prepared to receive these sacraments and agreed with the priest & the catechists that I was ready, and needed no bribery. My father is Catholic but is not practicing but went along with my mother's choice.

My sister when she was confirmed as a teen, I think she did so to keep my mother quiet as she did not really like going to Mass & practicing her faith. She fell away sometime after high school despite my mother trying to get her to go, and rarely goes to Mass unless its for a family member's special occasion or a funeral as an example.

[TheRealJuliane]

I was going to tell you that in your case, it's unlikely that your son is going to be a devout Catholic, since his father is an atheist. It's well-documented that the father's faith is what most influences the children. But one never knows. There are cases of men who went on to become priests, who were raised by 2 atheistic parents. God can and does work miracles. Sometimes a void of religion creates a deep need for a relationship with God.

Give him the grace of confirmation. If he ends up an atheist, nothing's been done. If he needs the sacraments in a deeper way later on, he will have had that influence. The door will have been propped open, so to speak (that is not meant in an irreverent way). Sure, he can do it as an adult - I did - but why not just do it now - he's only doing what his peers are doing and what is expected in his environment.

A bribe is paid in order to get a person to do something he or she does not want to do. A reward is given when a person does what you wish them to, without a money bribe up front.

Hope that helps.

[Tampa Rays]

I was confirmed about a year ago and I did not expect or do it for the gifts. I was actually very surprised when I received over $250 in cash and several religious gifts. I never considered it during the preperation (which left alot to be desired, I did not learn a single thing in the weekly classes which I had to miss soccer practice for).

[JharekCarnelian]

I have a question for our OP, he says he is sending his kid to a school that teaches Irish. I would like to ask him if he hails from one of the Gaeltacht areas in the Republic of Ireland. I can't think of many other places where schooling would be conducted primarily in Irish. In Ireland giving gifts for confirmation is not uncommon, I got money and clothes and some other gifts at my own confirmation. However the idea that all kids were up there just for that is a bit of a mistake. Yes of course we thought about it, we were teenagers and young and not all that mature. However some of us did also have a genuine faith in God and the OP is quite right that no-one should be bribed into such situations.

My answer to him would be (as has been done elsewhere) a rearrangement of the order the sacraments are conferred, with a return to confirmation prior to the reception of the Eucharist. Although given few realise this was the norm for a much longer period it would take gentle explanation and time to put that in motion.

[Alicewyf]

I am a cradle Catholic and was confirmed in a country overseas where Masses were held sporadically in people's homes because of the political climate. We were not a very religious family, I was barely catechised, and Confirmation meant very little to me at the time. I am so grateful for it now though, because I feel the graces from this sacrament were part of what led me back to the Church as an adult. Catholics DO believe that Confirmation is a sacrament and "does something" to a person's soul. If you aren't comfortable with this as an atheist then perhaps you might reconsider this for your son. Kids do a lot of stuff only for the gifts, so I wouldn't let that stop you from letting him participate.