My daughter's friend's mom is too liberal - Page 2

SurlyMermaid · #16 Mar 20, '12, 10:40 am

Do you all think it would be wrong to let my daughter continue to attend the youth group where we were going as long as she starts to go to the Catholic youth group? I'm trying to expose her to peers who are more spiritual and conservative. The small youth group at the other church gets pretty bawdy and there's a lot of bad language.

EDIT: Just got a friendly reminder as well the anti-Catholic sentiment at our old church is exploding with the HHS stuff, presidential campaign, etc. Many Anglicans here are former Catholics and were "burned" by what they perceive is the faith. They can be quite vocal on why they are "recovering Catholics."

HouseArrest · #17 Mar 20, '12, 2:57 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by SurlyMermaid

Here's an update:

My husband and ex-husband (my daughter's father) think I'm being ridiculous. They're both pretty liberal and have no interest in spirituality. So no support there.

My daughter went off with the mom and her daughter the other day. The mother promised to have her back at 4pm. We had talked and, I believed, agreed to disagree with some rules and understanding of boundaries and respect. My daughter came back around 9pm and at first the mother was going to have her driven home by her newly-licensed teen, at night.

The mother also let me know this on Facebook: "Well, I guess if your daughter ever needs to go to Planned Parenthood, I'll have to take her."

Tomorrow is youth group at that church. I've been talking this over with others (level-headed friends and my sister) and reading everyone's comments. I'm really appreciative of the responses. I don't have a good foundation here. My own mother would make this woman look pretty conservative! I'm working on what I will say to daughter this evening.

Will keep everyone posted.

SM

What do you mean by "agree to disagree" about rules and boundaries? She doesn't need to agree to rules you have set about your daughter, she needs to follow them!

Did she have an acceptable reason why they were 5 hours late?

This is what I would tell your daughter, "You cannot go out with your friend and her mother, because she brought you back 5 hours late with no good reason." This is concrete. Your daughter will understand this. Not, "I think this mother might possibly be undermining my parental authority..." not concrete, and not something your daughter needs to be involved in even if it is true.

petitfleur · #18 Mar 20, '12, 5:17 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by HouseArrest

What do you mean by "agree to disagree" about rules and boundaries? She doesn't need to agree to rules you have set about your daughter, she needs to follow them!

Did she have an acceptable reason why they were 5 hours late?

This is what I would tell your daughter, "You cannot go out with your friend and her mother, because she brought you back 5 hours late with no good reason." This is concrete. Your daughter will understand this. Not, "I think this mother might possibly be undermining my parental authority..." not concrete, and not something your daughter needs to be involved in even if it is true.

Good post. Have similar situation but not as dramatic watching this closely.

StJudePray4Me · #19 Mar 21, '12, 5:25 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by SurlyMermaid

Here's an update:

My husband and ex-husband (my daughter's father) think I'm being ridiculous. They're both pretty liberal and have no interest in spirituality. So no support there.

My daughter went off with the mom and her daughter the other day. The mother promised to have her back at 4pm. We had talked and, I believed, agreed to disagree with some rules and understanding of boundaries and respect. My daughter came back around 9pm and at first the mother was going to have her driven home by her newly-licensed teen, at night.

The mother also let me know this on Facebook: "Well, I guess if your daughter ever needs to go to Planned Parenthood, I'll have to take her."

Tomorrow is youth group at that church. I've been talking this over with others (level-headed friends and my sister) and reading everyone's comments. I'm really appreciative of the responses. I don't have a good foundation here. My own mother would make this woman look pretty conservative! I'm working on what I will say to daughter this evening.

Will keep everyone posted.

SM

In my opinion, this woman's conduct is totally outrageous.

Perhaps you need to reframe this for your husband and your daughters father.

Since they are liberal and agree with the other moms opinions, flip the script for them. Ask them if they would be upset if your daughters friends dad started referring to her as his daughter? Imagine that this dad was a born-again Christian, and started taking her to tent revivals against your wishes? What if he started telling her that her mom and dad and step dad were going to Hell? Encouraging her to skip college, get married and have 19 babies?

It's NOT about liberal v. Conservative, or Catholic v. Episcopal, or any of that! It's about NOT having the right to interfere with the raising of someone else's children!

NiceMimi · #20 Mar 21, '12, 7:04 am

You have to ask yourself the following:

A)Do your husband and daughter's father generally dismiss many things you say ------ even if it turns out that you were right for the most part? If so, could it be because they have work concerns or just generally don't see the forest from the trees?

B)Why you are still attending services, and taking part in activities at your old church?

C)Why are you not trusting your instincts?

D)Why are you not doing something about a situation that is clearly wrong ?

E)Is there something about this woman that you admire?

F)Why are you allowing this other mom to call the shots when it comes to your daughter?

I am going out on a limb here, and suggest that you seek the help of a therapist. Catholic Charities may be able to help you with that.

In the interim, you may also want to speak with a priest. Priests are not therapists, but he may be able to give you a clear no-nonsense view of the situation.

Heavenly Father, in faith, I thank you for helping & protecting this family and all on this site. Amen.

medaroge · #21 Mar 21, '12, 8:09 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by SurlyMermaid

My daughter went off with the mom and her daughter the other day. The mother promised to have her back at 4pm. We had talked and, I believed, agreed to disagree with some rules and understanding of boundaries and respect. My daughter came back around 9pm and at first the mother was going to have her driven home by her newly-licensed teen, at night.

The mother also let me know this on Facebook: "Well, I guess if your daughter ever needs to go to Planned Parenthood, I'll have to take her."

You talked to the mom about rules, boundaries and respect, did not see eye to eye with the other mom and and still let your daughter go somewhere with them? Why? What was the reasoning for them being so late? Did you know where they were? I would have called the police.

I would suggest cut off contact completely, in writing via signature delivery confirmation through the postal service.

The PP comment should show you the dangers you are allowing your daughter to be in. Yes, you are allowing this danger in her life by allowing it to continue.

I am sorry if my advice seems harsh, but in situations like these there can be no mincing of words. Please seek the advice of a Priest.

SummerSmiles · #22 Mar 21, '12, 9:26 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by SurlyMermaid

Here's an update:

My husband and ex-husband (my daughter's father) think I'm being ridiculous. They're both pretty liberal and have no interest in spirituality. So no support there.

My daughter went off with the mom and her daughter the other day. The mother promised to have her back at 4pm. We had talked and, I believed, agreed to disagree with some rules and understanding of boundaries and respect. My daughter came back around 9pm and at first the mother was going to have her driven home by her newly-licensed teen, at night.

The mother also let me know this on Facebook: "Well, I guess if your daughter ever needs to go to Planned Parenthood, I'll have to take her."

Tomorrow is youth group at that church. I've been talking this over with others (level-headed friends and my sister) and reading everyone's comments. I'm really appreciative of the responses. I don't have a good foundation here. My own mother would make this woman look pretty conservative! I'm working on what I will say to daughter this evening.

Will keep everyone posted.

SM

Why are you "agreeing to disagree" about boundaries with this other girl's mom? This is your daughter; if the other mom doesn't agree, that's too bad--she's not your daughter's mother and shouldn't have any say in the matter. She respects your rules (or at least doesn't undermine them) or she does not have the right to be around your daughter. Did she have a reason for bringing your daughter home so late? I can tell you what my own mother would have done in such a situation. She would have told the other woman in no uncertain terms that this behavior is not acceptable--if she can't bring me home at the agreed upon time, I wouldn't be entrusted into her care. End of story. And I wouldn't have been allowed to go out with that family for a very LONG time. I'm sure that my mom would have told the woman that she's not to have any further contact with me. (I've heard my mom say that to someone before.) Then she would have talked with me and explained that her actions were not because of my behavior, but because the other adult has already proven herself incapable of behaving like the responsible adult. My mom probably would have called the police during the time that I was gone.

Your husband doesn't have a problem with this woman's liberal views, but can you make him see the problems with her not respecting your parental authority? In other words, would he be okay if the father of one of your daughter's friends started behaving this way? What if the father was in some sort of religious group and was pushing those ideas on your daughter? (It's not the ideas themselves that are the problem; it's that this woman has no respect for your right as a parent to raise your child the way you see fit.) And if he agreed with your husband on a set time to bring your daughter home and then was 5 hours late?

This is an issue of boundaries. If you're not sure how to set them up in a way that lets this woman know that YOU get the final say, then you need to seek help from someone who can give you the tools that you need. You can start with a priest and ask if they know of a good counselor for this type of thing. Or you can call the Catholic Charities office and ask them. If you don't feel comfortable asking at those places, maybe you could call your daughter's school and ask them for a recommendation on a good counselor. This situation is not good for your daughter. You need to find a way to put an end to it. This woman clearly has no respect for you as the mother of your own daughter.

SurlyMermaid · #23 Mar 21, '12, 12:37 pm

Thanks for all the responses. I think I'm simply not asserting myself here and being fearful. I'm letting everyone's "Well, this was okay a few months ago" comments drive my actions.

I sent the woman a message to take my daughter off her FB family list. She did and made sure to tell me that she was simply accepting my daughter's request to add her as my daughter's mother.

Last night, I let my daughter in on the Facebook back and forth and the message. My daughter was stunned. She says the woman sent HER the family request, not my daughter. My daughter was also embarrassed that the woman had posted that her daughter, my daughter's friend, was on birth control because she's sexually active. Turns out, these people had been giving my son, who's almost 13 and very close to his sister, creepy feelings and HE had confronted my daughter.

She's cutting her own ties for now with them but still wants to see them at youth group. She and my husband want to stay at the Episcopal church for now because it's a liberal place. We were married there, and my two younger children were baptized there. They also do a Wednesday night potluck (which is tonight).

I've been trying to play it cool so I didn't seem like a hypocrite and I didn't alienate my teen.

It's also aggravating my daughter that this woman is putting up more and more anti-Catholic propaganda on her Facebook. My daughter is very against the HHS mandate (and very alone in that among her friends). She's also pro-life.

It's funny. We talked last night and one thing was that I have no desire to limit her contact with our old friends at the Unitarian Universalit fellowship (some are Secular Humanist, Pagan, Atheist, Gnostic Christian, etc.). But the difference is they respect us and our views. I trust them with my kids implicitly. Conversely, I have some staunch evangelical Adventist friends who I can't leave alone with my kids!

I think the problem has been that, long story short, my ex raised my daughter for the most part and I felt like more of an aunt to her. I don't completely have the proper relationship with her and feel the authority with her I need. I feel like I'm pushing her to conform to my new beliefs and that's not fair. If I was 100% certain of myself this would be easier.

Believe me, I'm working on this. I'm being pretty transparent as well. It always seems like things turn out better when I'm not dictating to her but saying things like, "Look I know I wasn't there and was too lax in my parenting. I felt like an aunt or something and your dad and stepmom had the parental authority. I'm sorry and I want to mend that." She gets that.

Thanks again. Will keep you posted.

SamH · #24 Mar 21, '12, 1:02 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by HouseArrest

Did she have an acceptable reason why they were 5 hours late?

This is what I would tell your daughter, "You cannot go out with your friend and her mother, because she brought you back 5 hours late with no good reason." This is concrete. Your daughter will understand this. Not, "I think this mother might possibly be undermining my parental authority..." not concrete, and not something your daughter needs to be involved in even if it is true.

A lot can happen in 5 hours - especially with no adult supervision (the girl's mom is a child in an adult's body).

Just had a something just happened down the road. A 15 year old girl was at a "live and let live" friend's house when a couple of guys showed up. They offered to give her a ride home. Turns out the two guys were 19 and 20 years old with the typical loser punk rap sheet and took her out into the country for some reason - they wrecked the car killing her and the two men suffered injuries.

http://cjonline.com/news/2012-03-20/...r-killed-wreck

HouseArrest · #25 Mar 21, '12, 4:17 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by SamH

A lot can happen in 5 hours - especially with no adult supervision (the girl's mom is a child in an adult's body).

Just had a something just happened down the road. A 15 year old girl was at a "live and let live" friend's house when a couple of guys showed up. They offered to give her a ride home. Turns out the two guys were 19 and 20 years old with the typical loser punk rap sheet and took her out into the country for some reason - they wrecked the car killing her and the two men suffered injuries.

http://cjonline.com/news/2012-03-20/...r-killed-wreck

Yeah that wouldn't be a good reason.

I can't even imagine what would be. Also if there were a good reason, one would think a phone call at 4:00pm to let the Mom know why they would be late would have been placed.

ThyKingdomCome · #26 Mar 21, '12, 7:14 pm

This woman shouldn't be one of your daughter's facebook friends. My kids are not teens yet, so I'm not savvy about where to draw the line between making suggestions and giving orders to teens, particularly with the complications that you have, but I would at the very least, suggest to my dd that unfriending the mom would be a good idea. If that is not an option, she could block the woman from her news feed, so she doesn't have to read the drivel automatically. It also would be wise (again, as a second choice to unfriending her altogether), to adjust her settings so that when she posts, this mom doesn't receive those posts. I know there is a way to do that, although I don't know the details on how to, or how complicated it is...

NiceMimi · #27 Mar 21, '12, 8:25 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by SurlyMermaid

Thanks for all the responses. I think I'm simply not asserting myself here and being fearful. I'm letting everyone's "Well, this was okay a few months ago" comments drive my actions.

I sent the woman a message to take my daughter off her FB family list. She did and made sure to tell me that she was simply accepting my daughter's request to add her as my daughter's mother.

Last night, I let my daughter in on the Facebook back and forth and the message. My daughter was stunned. She says the woman sent HER the family request, not my daughter. My daughter was also embarrassed that the woman had posted that her daughter, my daughter's friend, was on birth control because she's sexually active. Turns out, these people had been giving my son, who's almost 13 and very close to his sister, creepy feelings and HE had confronted my daughter.

She's cutting her own ties for now with them but still wants to see them at youth group. She and my husband want to stay at the Episcopal church for now because it's a liberal place. We were married there, and my two younger children were baptized there. They also do a Wednesday night potluck (which is tonight).

I've been trying to play it cool so I didn't seem like a hypocrite and I didn't alienate my teen.

It's also aggravating my daughter that this woman is putting up more and more anti-Catholic propaganda on her Facebook. My daughter is very against the HHS mandate (and very alone in that among her friends). She's also pro-life.

It's funny. We talked last night and one thing was that I have no desire to limit her contact with our old friends at the Unitarian Universalit fellowship (some are Secular Humanist, Pagan, Atheist, Gnostic Christian, etc.). But the difference is they respect us and our views. I trust them with my kids implicitly. Conversely, I have some staunch evangelical Adventist friends who I can't leave alone with my kids!

I think the problem has been that, long story short, my ex raised my daughter for the most part and I felt like more of an aunt to her. I don't completely have the proper relationship with her and feel the authority with her I need. I feel like I'm pushing her to conform to my new beliefs and that's not fair. If I was 100% certain of myself this would be easier.

Believe me, I'm working on this. I'm being pretty transparent as well. It always seems like things turn out better when I'm not dictating to her but saying things like, "Look I know I wasn't there and was too lax in my parenting. I felt like an aunt or something and your dad and stepmom had the parental authority. I'm sorry and I want to mend that." She gets that.

Thanks again. Will keep you posted.

So, what if you appear like a hypocrite and alienate your teen?! My mom alienated us many times and we still did what she said because push-came-to-shove, we knew our mom had our backs, and she had our best interest at heart.

If you have the gumption to not leave your daughter with the Evangelical Adventists, then where did your gumption go with the troublesome woman and her daughter? What's going on here?

So what if you are pushing your daughter to conform to your beliefs? You have to give her some kind of stability. Your her mom for heaven's sakes. You had better get on the ball, and zip through that learning curve much faster otherwise your daughter is going to end up in a (God forbid) horrible situation. You are STILL allowing your daughter to associate with the troublesome woman and her daughter. Your husband should be able to go to the church he chooses, but your daughter should be AWAY from those women. I say women because do you know for sure that the woman's daughter is a teenager? Your daughter already has embraced the Catholic faith, so why are you pushing her to stay near those two women? What's going on here?

STOP apologizing to your daughter, and just be her mother for heaven's sakes! She needs a mom, she doesn't need to be your therapist. Leave the confessions for a priest or a therapist. Be her mother. Kids will always blame you anyway, so just do the RIGHT thing and tough it out, and be her mother. Stop trying to be cool. She needs a mother not a friend.

Put your foot down, and start making the necessary calls to save your daughter from these women.

Heavenly Father, in faith, I thank You for helping this woman, her daughter, and father, and husband. Amen.

AHapka · #28 Mar 25, '12, 3:39 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by SurlyMermaid

Last night, I let my daughter in on the Facebook back and forth and the message. My daughter was stunned. She says the woman sent HER the family request, not my daughter.

Best thing you could have done. Let your daughter catch the other woman in the lie herself. Not hearing it from you, but seeing it herself.

AHapka · #29 Mar 25, '12, 3:43 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by SurlyMermaid

She made my daughter uncomfortable by discussing her bisexuality once.

As a general rule, adults should not talk about their sexuality (whatever it may be) with children...especially children not related to them.

Your husband didn't seem to have a problem with it? What if it was a man of my age (37) discussing it with your daughter? I bet his toon would change.

What good could possibly come of a grown woman telling a young girl about her bisexuality? I really can't think of any...

Musician · #30 Mar 25, '12, 10:46 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by SurlyMermaid

I have some issues. Last summer my daughter met another teenager at the church we were attending (Episcopalian and pretty liberal). She has been hanging out regularly with the girl and her mother.

How do I address that the mom is, in my opinion, a horrible influence? This woman lets her teen curse at her and boss her around. I'm pretty lenient but my kids would never talk to me like that. The mom told me once she wanted to spend more time with my daughter to undo the "right wing nut propaganda her mom gives her." She made my daughter uncomfortable by discussing her bisexuality once. The last straw was today. She's added my daughter as her daughter on Facebook and was on it talking proudly about her own daughter being on birth control. The girl is in high school!!! (Don't get me started on all the very mean, anti-Santorum stuff on her Facebook. I've dumped conservative friends for putting up very mean, awful anti-Obama things. It's tacky and very un-Christian.) I'm still shocked that someone who is pretty Atheist and Pagan would even go to church. I understand she's trying to "convert" people there to a more "tolerant" understanding of Scripture. She calls herself the "resident heretic."

My daughter is very attached to these folks and feels that she is a good influence. How do I limit time with them, et cetera, without causing World War III? The issue is things have been less than ideal (I'm on my third husband) and was always super liberal. Now that I'm doing the right thing I don't want to guide her in a way that will alienate her and cause more problems. I'm trying to be an example.

Any ideas are very welcome!! Thanks once again, guys!!!

I have had these problems while raising teenagers. I don't know how much my advice is worth, but I would explain to my daughter lovingly the reasons that she will no longer be spending lots of time with this particular friend, unless it is at your house. And at your house, your rules are in play. Frankly, I'd try to cut the whole friendship off because of the birth control thing. I certainly did, until my kids graduated HS. I may have been over-zealous with my children and their circle of friends, but they tell me they appreciate it today. So it can't have been too bad.
Remember that if you cut off this relationship, try to spend lots of time with your daughter to make up for the loss.
Just my two cents.